[Rap Addition] Luna Jax's Forgive Me

[Supremussy 11]

When I heard this song on Luna Jax's channel, I just knew I had to write a short rap for it. It's such a beautiful song, and my personal favorite from him. All credit of this song goes to him, I'm just adding a rap for fun.

 

As always, I'm open to constructive criticism!

 

Art is by VividVapor

 

 

Rap Lyrics (at 2:13)

 

There's nothin' like old friends reuniting

Even after all that constant fighting

Minuette, Lemon Hearts, Twinkleshine

And I

Just want you to come back and intertwine

 

With your old friends

All over again

And maybe make some memories around the bend

'Cause there's so much more to life

Than books and quills,

 

But still,

 

I don't think I can change the path you take,

Anymore

But I don't wanna see you make the same mistake,

Like I did before,

Friendship ain't such a chore

There's the open door

 

And I know that I came on a little too strong,

But it's only because I know you still belong

With us three,

Ugh I can't speak,

Moondancer just-

 

Tell me what you guys think! /)

Edited July 12, 2016 by Kinryoku

[Kozmos 129]

Not bad!

I love the lyrics!

 

But i have a few things that I want to suggest,

Firstly, the volume of your vocals seem a bit too dominant/loud, what I suggest is that you slightly lower the volume on your vocals so it blends in more with the instrumental

 

Secondly, this is just from what I've noticed from listening.

The vocals seem slightly out of time in certain places, but it could be me.

 

Another suggestion is to maybe add a bit of reverb to your vocals to give them more depth.

Otherwise, this is a great addition to an already great song!

Edited July 13, 2016 by Kozmos

[Supremussy 11]

Not bad!

I love the lyrics!

 

But i have a few things that I want to suggest,

Firstly, the volume of your vocals seem a bit too dominant/loud, what I suggest is that you slightly lower the volume on your vocals so it blends in more with the instrumental

 

Secondly, this is just from what I've noticed from listening.

The vocals seem slightly out of time in certain places, but it could be me.

 

Another suggestion is to maybe add a bit of reverb to your vocals to give them more depth.

Otherwise, this is a great addition to an already great song!

Thanks for the feedback!

Now that you mention it, my voice does seem a little too loud. That's something I should look out for next time.

 

The timing was a paaain when I first wrote the lyrics haha, but I got it down once I started recording.

 

Yeah, extra reverb would have made it connect with the song's "atmosphere" a little better.

 

Thanks again for the review! /)

[Zeal Crown 194]

I'm no song critic, but I think you did great! I agree with what Kozmos said, but I couldn't notice it all that much unless I listened for the such. I hope you continue to do similar things, I'm excited to hear more! <3

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,809]

I agree with Kozmos, you were out of time a little. 

 

You still told a little more than showing in your lyrics. But you're slowly getting better. Just gotta be sure you're not going on the straight path too much when writing rap lyrics. I use this analogy a lot, because it helps me when I think of lyrics myself.