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critique wanted Random Lyric Dump (tips?)


Lonk Chase

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For some reason my Lyrics, at least to me, seem pretty bad. I just came up with a few lines in my head and wonder where I can go with it.

 

Driving down the highway

I see a mare standing at the side

I ask her for a ride

She says she doesn't have the time

 

Terrible? What type of song can I make with a possibly-edited version of this? Can anybody contribute their own lyrics to this? Can anybody rip me off and make their own song off of this? :P

 

Just a thought I had.

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I think the biggest issue here, is that this theme has been used a ton. It is also too straightforward, which makes it sound cheesy because you're telling too much. Show the emotions and take a longer route that seeks to describe and show the scene in a more vivid fashion.

 

Cold dreary morning

A drive to cheer up this wounded heart

Rain fallin' on my windshield

What has this life come to?

 

Every drop I see

Like a memory

As they hit the ground

Poof, all forgotten

 

Then I look up

And see a lonely mare

Shivering under a lightly covered bench

Mane drenched and coat soaked

 

Oh how could a wounded stallion like me

Help a poor mare like her

Then a spark goes off in my mind saying:

 

She could be the one for you

You two could mend each other's

Broken battered hearts

The problems we all go through in life

Bring us together as one

So put your differences aside

And see how wounded hearts can become mended.

 

There's a starter for ya. See what you can do with it. Keep the vivid descriptions going by taking the longer path and showing how wounded hearts can be mended. Use the last two lines of what you have a see how you can integrate them in.

  • Brohoof 1
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  • 2 weeks later...
(edited)

2.  It feels like you're writing a story rather than song lyrics.  This is a common pitfall in song-writing, but as Thunder Dash alluded to, you can add a bit of originality and mystery to it by alliterating instead of telling.  Of course, that's easier said than done.  If you haven't already done so, try examining some of the "greats" and see how they tell stories with the lyrics without being overly blunt.

 

Some good examples of this storytelling technique:

 

"Sex Changes" by The Dresden Dolls.  Its primary delivery method is through snippets of conversation, presented as a cautionary tale.  The song has two distinctly different meanings, intertwined within each other.  The first theme is about a literal sex change operation.  The second theme is about how being sexually active changes us as humans.  They both weave in elements of uncertainty, mourning, and regret.  Neither one of the interpretations gets in the way of the other, which makes it a masterful piece of prose.  The song includes some mild language, just so you know.

 

"Killpop" by Slipknot.  On the surface this song seems to be about an intimate friend who is spiraling out of control.  However, in an interview Corey Taylor explained that it's about his love/hate relationship with the music industry.  Like the first song I linked, both meanings are perfectly valid, and the lyrics allow for interpretation as the listener sees fit.  Like most of Slipknot's work, this one has some violent imagery and very strong language.

Edited by PlunderSteed
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