Original Pony Trap/Rap song

[Nymira 31]

 

So here is a remix of my song "I'm So Sorry" Thanks to Kozmos https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWzUof_RxOTYFrp8LOPDKQgwe were able to do a rap remix of this. Didn't think we could make a song off of one scene of the wedding episode in season 5 "Slice of Life" when Celestia and Luna argue about the gift. 

 

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[Barpy 2,225]

Damn, I like it, that's pretty good song!

[Dabmanz 2,128]

This is a cool song good job

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,809]

Ok. 

 

It's a decent listen. 

 

However, your beat could use quite a bit work. That repetition around the I and IV stales out very quickly. I suggest using a 4 chord progession. Knowing you're in the key of C Major, here are some suggestions:

I-vi-IV-V

 

ii-IV-V-iii

 

vi-IV-ii-V

 

IV-ii-vi-V

 

There are many more suggestions I can give you on chords. 

 

In terms of drums, some fills would've worked well with this beat. The continuous kick, snare and high-hat combo just seems to stereotypical. Using some melodic tom fills and sweep-ins would've worked perfectly. An ascending noise sweep would work absolutely well just before the Luna clip. That plucked sawtooth could've been running on arpeggios in terms of the corresponding chord instead of moving along with the piano and plucked bass lead. The Celestia and Luna argument clips fit well in the interlude, but they could've used a little more boost in volume. 

 

As far as your lyrics, I hate to break it to you, but...they were cheesy. You need to show more about the emotion instead of just saying sorry in different ways. Take the long road instead of the short road when writing your lyrics. It will expand your horizon and help you become a better writer. 

 

All in all, it's a decent piece, but it could use quite a bit of work. I'm here if you need help with anything I said in my critique.

[Kozmos 129]

Ok.

 

It's a decent listen.

 

However, your beat could use quite a bit work. That repetition around the I and IV stales out very quickly. I suggest using a 4 chord progession. Knowing you're in the key of C Major, here are some suggestions:

 

I-vi-IV-V

 

ii-IV-V-iii

 

vi-IV-ii-V

 

IV-ii-vi-V

 

There are many more suggestions I can give you on chords.

 

In terms of drums, some fills would've worked well with this beat. The continuous kick, snare and high-hat combo just seems to stereotypical. Using some melodic tom fills and sweep-ins would've worked perfectly. An ascending noise sweep would work absolutely well just before the Luna clip. That plucked sawtooth could've been running on arpeggios in terms of the corresponding chord instead of moving along with the piano and plucked bass lead. The Celestia and Luna argument clips fit well in the interlude, but they could've used a little more boost in volume.

 

As far as your lyrics, I hate to break it to you, but...they were cheesy. You need to show more about the emotion instead of just saying sorry in different ways. Take the long road instead of the short road when writing your lyrics. It will expand your horizon and help you become a better writer.

 

All in all, it's a decent piece, but it could use quite a bit of work. I'm here if you need help with anything I said in my critique.

Hey man!

I read your critique of regarding the lyrics,

I just want to say I agree with you, to an extent, regarding them being cheesy.

 

And I was wondering if you'd be interested in helping me with writing lyrics in the future?

Edited October 24, 2016 by Kozmos

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,809]

Hey man!

I read your critique of regarding the lyrics,

I just want to say I agree with you, to an extent, regarding them being cheesy.

And I was wondering if you'd be interested in helping me with writing lyrics in the future?

Of course I would! I'll do my best.

[Regal Shadow 825]

You did a good job.

 

Regal Shadow