critique wanted Neither Snow Nor Reign of Chaos (incomplete)

[Chopsticks 20]

I may never understand how I can be a good editor for others but not myself. 

This is a one-shot, independent story that I finally got around to writing. I mainly need help with syntax but I'm having difficulty finding beta readers with good critique and input or suggestions. I've gotten a lot of general praise which is very nice but that doesn't help me when I'm trying to submit something to the rigors of Daily Equestria. (I've come to learn they are a very tough lot to get stories published through, on a level of hatred.)

 

My other main concern was wondering if Gabby could or should be removed. The fandom seems split and divided at war as to whether she's a likable character or not.

 

The title is a play on words from the unofficial creed of the United States Postal Service.

 

 

PREMISE: Discord, tired of late or lost deliveries from the Equestrian Postal Service, files a complaint that endangers the pony mailing business. With a new letter labeled as 'Urgent', the fate of Equestrian mail lies with Gabby and Derpy as a delivery partners into the Realm of Chaos. Will they deliver it in a time fitting a Lord of Chaos? Will they make it there at all?

 

 

Genre: Slice of Life

Audience: General

Original Characters?: Only filler for the background

Word Count: (current) ~2,300

Complete: 45% (trying to make it with 3 or fewer chapters, hopefully none)

 

- - - - 

 

A line of bustling, arguing ponies at the Ponyville Post Office extended from the counter of three busy mail ponies to nearly out the door. But it was always busy at 11:53am. Ponies finishing or starting lunch breaks taking the opportunity to come and deliver or pick up mail and packages.

 

           An irritated Earth mare was at the far left ticket counter, complaining about the packaging she received. “Just look at this mess!” She proclaimed stamping her brown hooves on the counter. “The string is barely holding, the box is crumpled,—humph—it even says ‘fragile’. And I know my hubby paid extra for a premium shipping rate.”

 

           The tan mustache on the Pegasus behind the counter twitched left and right as he bent low, inspected the box, and then looked at the tag. He raised an eyebrow. “Ma’am,” his eyes lowered into a disrespected frown as he twisted his hoof, allowing the tag to turn showing ‘Cheap Sky: LOW PRIORITY’ written on it. “Please keep in mind the policy,” he then tilted his head twice towards a sign beside him reading, ‘Unofficial markings on boxes are ignored for shipping handling and rates’ thus implying the invalidity of the ‘fragile’ stamp on the box.

 

           He puffed out some air and shook his head. “I’m sorry, there isn’t anything we can really do. The box was not marked for any special care or express delivery.”

 

           Her eye twitched. “I cannot believe this!” She gripped the string in her mouth and yanked before ripping the top of the box open revealing a foal’s pillow.

 

           The stallion stared at her unimpressed and too downtrodden to laugh or smile. He mumbled with a sigh. “Don’t go postal—good rope is too expensive these days.”

 

           The mare blushed with a sincere smile, but then she shook her head and pulled out the pillow with her mouth. “Well, it looks crumpled and very squished.”

 

           The stallion rose an eyebrow. “Would you like your 1 silver bit refunded?”

 

           The brown mare stuck up her nose and moved the pillow around, revealing a picture of Discord. “Well I…” her eyes popped open as she looked at the image. “What in the moon is…?”

 

           The image re-shifted and grew in depth and size until the draconequus was at full height, stretching with grumbled, protested grunting. He cracked his neck until his head twisted off and he placed it on his body backwards to face the mail pony behind the counter. The Pegasi rose an eyebrow again, just waiting for his luck to sink so low the room would explode into a mess.

 

           “For First Class priority shipping,” Discord said matter factly while gesturing with his asymmetrical arms and body still facing the brown mare, who was now cowering behind the pillow, “you ponies sure do take a long time to get them anywhere.” He put his lion paw on the wall and wrung his deer hoofed leg around and leaned to the side. “But then I suppose that’s nothing new. Unless…” he contorted his body in various ways to try righting himself forward, “there’s been a mix up. I’m here to file a complaint.”

 

           The stallion sighed deeply with a frown. Despite the frightening display, he’s seen it all in the Equestrian Postal Service. “Sir, if you will please step back to the end of the line, we will be very happy to assist you.”

 

           Discord leaned over the counter with a smirk and snapped the claws of his eagle-talons. String and cords from the packages in the room turned into dancing imitations of snakes, weaving together and tying along the ponies before dragging them in a sudden jerk out the door, their yelling tuned to the violent rush of a passing roller coaster.

 

           “Well it seems that the line was caught and there was bigger fish to fry.”

 

           The stallion used the cleft of his hoof to scratch his mustache. “What is the nature of your complaint sir?”

 

           “Well first off, doesn’t anypony know who I am? Maybe that would explain the lack of urgency in your establishment.”

 

           “Mister Discord,” the pony continued in his monotonous groan, “I am truly sorry for the lack of timing on your deliveries. We here at E.P.S. are always looking for ways to improve the quality of our service and punctuality. We hope you continue doing business with us and next time I can offer you a discount card for your troubles.”

 

           The mailpony reached behind the counter and pulled up a basket. “Please take a muffin on us,” he bent below again and came up with a discount card in his mouth. Discord screeched his teeth together and looks up at the words in this paragraph to ensure what is happening is really happening. Seriously, is this all I am to you readers? Discord thinks. Comedic relief in the form of irony? Satirizing my self-depreciating situations with surreal comedy?

 

           Discord swiped the entire basket of muffins. “With as many times as you continue to mess up with your late—or lost—mail, I do believe I’m entitled to oh—just about all of these.”

 

           “Mister Discord, have you considered a P.O. Box? Deliveries to the Realm of Chaos have gone up in price considerably. Considering that we rush every delivery and sometimes lose mailponies, we can no longer guarantee an estimated time of arrival nor the assurance deliveries will…”

 

           Discord plugged the mailpony’s mouth with a muffin. “Blah, blah, blah. All I hear are excuses! ‘Pee Oh Box’ here! I am insulted!” Discord used magic to hold the basket in place so he could slap his hands on his face and drag it down so that his eyeballs rolled down with a rattle. “Do you know how long and difficult a teleportation is to this place? Your suggestion is unacceptable.”

 

           The Pegasus sighed and puckered his lips.

 

           Discord turned to walk out the door when his pale yellow eyeballs fell out of their sockets and rolled along the ground. “Oh, there was something else that nearly slipped my mind.”

 

           The eyeballs rolled up along the edge of the counter before coming to a rest at the center. They blinked up at him before merging to form a reddish, inky puddle that turned into a ticking clock. “If I don’t get my next delivery in a time befitting a Lord of Chaos, then your letters and packages will be delivering newborn monsters from my realm as pets for those Equestrian residents who use your service.”

 

           The stallion looked up and sighed as he glanced back in the establishment. “I will be sure to send your major threat aimed at the sole mail delivery service in Equestria to the highest of management.”

 

           Discord came back and wrapped his eagle-talon arm around the mailpony. “Oh fantastic!” the puddle on the counter reformed into eyeballs that blinked. “I can clearly see that somepony is going to get things right.” He took his eyeballs in his lion paw and poked them back in place before vanishing.

 

           The mailpony muttered. “Well maybe my job will finally come to an end and I can seek out unemployment and disability. Next.” He looked around at the room void of ponies and allowed himself to smile a bit. “Making bits standing around doing nothing.”

 

*         *         *

 

Flying into the bridge backwards with a bonk came Ms. Derpy holding her delicate, fresh-baked basket of muffins. Her eyes tilted and spun in a dizzy swirl but she was alright—and more importantly, so were the muffins. With a grin she looked back and flew forward a bit before spinning her wheat-golden tail in a helicopter whirl, buzzing herself over the bridge this time before rotating in place and continuing her way.

 

           She looked back briefly at the bridge that she avoided smashing her muffins into and perked up her head in pride with eyes closed. But as the grey Pegasus looked at her direction of flight her expression drooped.

 

           “Soggy muffins,” she mumbled as she saw the visage of a large tree growing in size at an alarming rate. She ducked under only to find herself spiraling into the busy traffic of Ponyville, zigzagging this way and that, dodging ponies, carts, and buildings.

 

 

*         *         *

 

At the Ponyville Post Office just before 2:30pm, the mailponies were gathering for the second shift pep talk in preparation for the late afternoon rush. Front and center of the gathered two dozen workers or so was an elder mare Unicorn with red hues and a faded orange coat. Her cutie mark sported a saddlebag with a gold star. This would be Saddle Star, the lead mailmare of Ponyville’s Equestrian Postal Service.

 

           “Now please, attention everypony,” Saddle Star started as she looked down from the podium. The mailponies began to hush. “I have a very important announcement. As you all… wait—where is…?”

 

           “Oh no,” one of the male Pegasi said, “She jinxed it.”

 

           At that moment, everypony ducked for cover a moment before Derpy burst through the window, spinning on the ground and colliding into the wall. Her eyes rattled as each spun separately but she was smiling regardless.

 

           “I brought the new batch of muffins as quickly as I could.” With her head scrunched on the ground in a headstand she looked left and right. “Did I miss anything?”

          

           “Yes,” Saddle Star said as she up-righted herself and used her gold magic to realign her blue cap on her head, “you missed everypony in the room on another one of your magnificent crash landings.”

 

           Derpy’s eyes tilted opposite as her eyebrows caved in with confusion. She wasn’t sure if that was praise or ridicule. But since it seemed nopony was hurt and the muffins for delivery were safe, she shrugged and tipped her legs over before wobbling her way to a seat.

 

           Saddle Star cleared her throat. “Yes, I have a very important announcement. As you know, mail deliveries to the—customer—known as Discord—resident of the Realm of Chaos is a difficult creature to bring deliveries to. He made a formal complaint and should we not satisfy his needs, we are going to be in trouble. He said he would include a newborn monster from his realm in all our deliveries across Equestria!”

 

           As Derpy raised a hoof to speak, one of the stallions stood. “We lost Bucky and Rucksack earlier this month trying to deliver mail to that dreadful place. And the volunteer list to getting mail to Discord is running thin.”

 

           The other ponies quickly began to speak up in rancorous commentary as Derpy shook her hoof more, her teeth clenched in earnest. Saddle Star lowered her eyelids and puckered her lips to the side. “I understand the grievances and concern.”

 

           When the ruckus finally settled, the grey mare with a bubbly cutie mark was the only one up—up in the air by now—hoof raised and swinging violently and her other arm now supporting it.

 

           Saddle Star rolled her eyes. “Yes, what is it?”

 

           The Pegasus stopped flapping her wings and sunk back down into her seat. She raised each hoof in a shrug. “Why don’t we just tell Princess Celestia? Or at least Princess Twilight?”

 

           Saddle Star picked up the papers at the podium and adjusted them. “Even if it is ‘reformed’ Discord, we do not treat residents and customers in this way. We are a service and we will serve them. Besides, corporate policy states that doing so results in getting fired. No more pay, no more benefits, no more retirement.”

 

           The other ponies had a wide-eyed blank stare. “Huh,” on in the back said putting a hoof to his chin, “makes sense. It’s corporate after all, since when do they do anything reasonable?”

 

           Saddle Star coughed and cleared her throat. “But I have good news. We are now outsourcing contracts to mail delivery into dangerous and difficult areas.”

 

           At that moment the door to the side swung open with a crash. In the dust and darkness stood the body of a young Griffon, lion tail twisting back and forth as if looking for the next prey or series of adventure.

 

           “Ahhhhh yeah! Who’s ready to kick some flank in the Realm of Chaos on a delivery?”

 

           The head pony at the podium curled her head away and raised hoof at the Griffon’s direction. “Everypony, meet—Gabby.”

 

           The mailpony who encountered Discord commented monotone, “Griffons are now taking over our jobs as contract workers. How nice.”

 

           Derpy walked up and took the Griffon’s right paw and shook it violently. “Nice ta meet you, Gabby!”

 

           Gabby used her strength to pick up Derpy one-armed and shake her violently back. “Alright! Some enthusiasm here! Say, can she be my partner?” Gabby put Derpy back down and she didn’t seem too dazed, though she wobbled a tiny bit—always flashing a grin.

 

           Saddle Star grimaced. “B—but…”

 

           “Sure!” Derpy said closing her eyes.

 

           Saddle Star zipped from the podium and started dragging the grey Pegasus. “Excuse us. Hey, are you crazy?”

 

           Derpy looked confused. “Uh—not last I checked. But I haven’t seen a doctor to be sure. Oh, except the Doctor, but I don’t think he’s that kind of doctor.”

 

           Saddle Star shook her head. “No, no, no! We need you here for muffin baking! And well—it’s dangerous delivery work. I don’t want to see you get hurt, well, not any more than you already get. And you just met Gabby! You don’t know anything about her.”

 

           “I’ll be fine. Cross my heart, hope to fly,” she signed with her right hoof, “stick a cupcake in my—ouch.”

 

           Saddle Star pulled her hooves away from Derpy’s shoulders and looked down. “Well, considering the severe lack of willing volunteers, we don’t have much a choice anyway. Just be on standby for when Discord has his next letter or package to be delivered.”

 

           Derpy’s eyes straightened for a moment. “Oh! That reminds me,” she reached in the basket of muffins and pulled out an envelope. She spoke with it in her mouth. “I’ve gawt on’ ‘ear to Discawd. Urvent.”