critique wanted Character: Spartella

[Sarge Sixteenbit 287]

Yes, I know I posted another character not too long ago, but I've been sitting on both of these character concepts for some time now.

 

EDIT: I will be editing periodically over time until I feel this character is in an acceptable state. Not all the edits needed will be done in one go.

 

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Name: Spartella

 

Age: 25 upon her death

 

Gender: Female

 

Race: Pegasus

 

appearence: [pending]

 

Bio: In a previous life, Spartella was a soldier for an ancient empire. The first queen of the empire, a powerful unicorn wanting to protect her subjects after her death, created a vessel to contain her immortal soul,the pendant, known as the Bane of Sorrow. Without the energy of a unicorn's mortal body, the pendant absorbed energy by conducting lightning in order for the late queen to use her magic to protect her descendants and their subjects.

 

            One year, lightning became scarce. seizing the opportunity, the demonic enemies of the empire declared war, which resulted in the conquest of the queen's people. Spartella was on the verge of death, protecting the sacred protective treasure of her culture, the Bane of Sorrow. Maintaining the will to protect the pendant, her sole joined the spirit of the bane, hiding in its physical form. She was unable to save the empire, but successful in protecting the last remnant of her people by providing the last of her life energy to be unleashed against the kingdom's invaders.

 

           Ages later, after gaining a strong bond with the spirit of the past queen, the spirit used the lightning-charged magic it charged over the centuries to give Spartella a new body. The spirit developed the soulless body from infancy to childhood. When an earthquake befell the temple that housed the pendant, Spartella had no choice, but to transfer her soul into the body while it still had the form of a child. She escaped the crumbling temple, with the Bane of Sorrow in hand.

 

Since the empire was long gone, the queen spirit of the pendant gave Spartella a new calling. Spartella's new mission was to assist in preventing other civilizations from succumbing to the forces of evil. In order to honor the wishes of her queen and to make full use of her warrior training from her past life, Spartella would call upon the Bane of Sorrow to transform herself into her warrior form.

 

Arms/abilities: Bane of Sorrow: a pendant that transforms Spartella into her adult form. The form lasts until she runs low on energy, however the transformation can last longer if Spartella comes into contact with electricity. Once the time limit is reached, the pendant needs time to recharge before transforming again.

 

In child form, her muscles and flight ability are severely limited. In situations she judges to be "not worth the trouble" she often resorts to guerilla tactics and obvious weak points (i.e. one's shin) to quickly get out of a situation.

 

In her adult form, Spartella has the agility and flight ability of an adult mare, but is also armed with her light spear, which she can throw and summon back to her.

 

Personality: During battle, she enjoys taunting her opponents. When she experiences a winning streak, she tends to act a bit cocky.

 

She is typically openly affectionate towards any teammates she fights along side, especially friends she's come to bond with. She expresses her affection in the form of constrictive hugs, slaps on the back and even roughhousing. She pays no mind to their reactions afterwards.

 

During downtime, she likes to ramble to her comrades about war stories from her past. To someone outside the conversation, this can look pretty awkward, since she is typically in her child form when this happens.

 

Cutie Mark: Javeline, represents her aptitude in combat and athleticism [image pending]

 

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Any assistance at improving my character would be greatly appreciated

Edited November 17, 2016 by Sarge Sixteenbit

[Meson Bolt 2,647]

Welp, I ah... I consider myself a fairly-experienced OC reviewer. No, I'm not talking about OC sinning (that's not really a review, more of just me poking fun), but I actually have reviewed hundreds of OC's before. Mostly Sonic OC's, but... eh. Anyway...

 

Her name sounds very... well, Spartan. I'm very careful about critiques with characters' names, because if I say "change it" just because I personally dislike it, a lot of people actually will, which is really hard. Once you name a character... it's kinda set in stone in your head, and it'd be hard to get used to calling her something else. So, regardless of my opinion, I'll let you judge what to do with it.

 

So ah... yeah, her name's rather unique, and doesn't really sound like a pony name. Regardless, it does seem to fit her character, which is always a good thing.

 

Age is... eh, kinda iffy. I'd highly recommend just giving her the number and explaining all the details in the backstory, since explaining something that complex is hard to do in a short sentence.

 

Gender and race... can't really critique that.

 

But "Arms and Abilities"... well, that's usually where a lot of authors mess up. I'll try and cover this as inoffensively as possible.

 

So, we're introduced to this "Bane of Sorrow", a transformation that turns her into an "adult form" for five minutes (and can be lengthened by electricity). And there's this "pendant" that needs to recharge before performing the ability again.

 

For someone reading straight through, this is very confusing, since we're forced to realize that a] this is a battle-oriented OC (as opposed to ponysona, slice of life, or story character), b] she has an "adult form" and a "child" form (presumably her "base" form), and c] she has a pendant that summons lightning bolts.

 

I find that listing the abilities and powers after the backstory (in an "Other" tab, for example), works a lot better than placing them here. The bio can explain how she became multi-form and acquired the pendant, and then the next tab can explain what they do.

Now, while the forms seem all well and good, I'd just like to warn you that RP time is very hard to put a finger on, and the five minute time limit to her adult form will be tricky to pull off if you're using her in a battle. I don't think that time limits and cooldowns on powers are a bad thing, but having an exact set time makes it hard to use. Therefore, I'd recommend saying something like "her form will end if she runs low on energy" and then in actual RP, each post subtly states her energy level as it slowly drains over a course of a battle. Just a thought. 

Personality: sarcastic, talkative, cocky, affectionate

 

...Ooh, oookayy, that's... that's not good.

 

I see these all the time -- the "microwave dinner" personalities. Slapping a bunch of traits together doesn't equate to a personality... expand on the character. Why is she sarcastic, and how often? What does she enjoy talking about? What situations make her act cocky? To whom is she affectionate towards?

 

And those aren't the only questions you should answer. A few good ones are "What are her life goals?", "What are her first impressions like?", and "How does she act around close friends?".

 

If nothing else, just imagine we were having a conversation about her, and I asked, "So, what's she like?". You wouldn't just list off a few traits, go in depth a bit more.

 

And don't answer me in a separate post, edit the character's bio to flesh her out. It's really annoying when people are just like "Oh, she's like this" and don't add any information to their personality tab.

Cutie Mark: Javeline

 

...Well, ah... heh, for one, it's "Javelin". That's not very descriptive though... is it just a shillouette, or is it colored? Which way is it pointing? Or better yet -- can you provide a picture?

 

Also, what does it represent? What's her talent and/or destiny? How did she earn it? These should all be answered on this tab.

 

Okay, now on to her backstory...

 

It's a bit complicated, but here's what I got from it:

1. She was a great warrior in a past life, who died in battle but protected an artifact called the "Bane of Sorrow"
2. The "spirit of the bane" created a new body, which developed into a child and then was possessed again by Spartella's soul
3. In order to call upon her past life, she uses the Bane of Sorrow to transform into her previous "self"

So, while that's all well and good, it also leaves a lot of questions. I'd like a bit more details on the Bane of Sorrow and its spirit, her apparent lightning abilities, and how she got her cutie mark.

 

I'd also like just a tad bit more about... well, anything else related to her past (family/friends, where she lived, how she makes a living, etc), but that's probably just me.

 

Oh, also... um, just noticed that this is the end of your character sheet. No appearance tab. So ah... yeah.

 

Overall, here's what I recommend you do:

1. Flesh out her backstory and explain the Bane before explaining its abilities
2. Tell her cutie mark story and add a better description of the mark
3. Add an appearance tab... please
4. Develop her personality. Like... a lot.

Hope I was of some help to you. Stay frosty!

Edited November 17, 2016 by Meson Bolt

[Sarge Sixteenbit 287]

@@Meson Bolt

 

I made some changes to the character sheet, following your advise.