Widdershins

Offering Critique Widdershin's Aestheteria!

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     Now, I haven't very well taken any sort of college level class in critic-ing and I wouldn't call myself any degree of an artist myself.  You oughtn't by any means have to take my opinion on anything. Whatever you may create is an extension of yourself, a method of expressing something from inside you that is otherwise without form. No matter how poorly you may feel it turned out, expressing yourself is never wrong. A Body may try its best, but a Spirit is irrepressible, immortal & never wrong. Well, until it clashes with others, he-hee!

   Sometimes you need a friend to bounce an idea off of and that is what I can be! Nothing I say will be inherently "right", just what I feel fits better with what I feel your aiming for. I feel I have a bit of a knack for design; what you ponies might refer to as a natural "talent" for Aesthetics. You can think of me as a rather more insane version of Rarity!  Dah-lings!

 

    I suppose a few rules for how I tend to do this sort of thing. For one, its very hard for me to outright hate anything; you'll really have to work at it to get me to be genuinely disgusted at anything. Don't worry if your project isn't "good enough" to show anyone yet, I'll be happy knowing you put your effort into what you care for!

 

     If you're wondering by now why I haven't set any limits as to what you can submit, that's because there isn't any! Though I think my critiquing strengths lean more towards the character development of OCs & stories of any caliber, feel free to bring up OCs, stories, music, any sort of video animations, drawings, craftwork, or anything else that comes to your minds!  Halibut, doesn't even have to relate to MLP fandom either! I'm perfectly capable of forming an opinion on things I know nothing about! Feel free to post anything you've put the time into creating!

              Except Dic Pics. I have absolutely no frame of reference for those, so I've no way of knowing whether your good there.

   

    I suppose, as fair warning, Music I may prove a bit more harsh on. I don't really have much in the way of musical preference as I can waiver between explicit rap to classical. I do like dubstep as alot of MLP fandom music tends to be, but the PMVs I have seen lose alot of points with me if they don't somehow directly relate to ponies. Music is a wonderful channel of emotion & creativity and can quite easily make or break any video project.

 

     Thirdly! If you wish to keep things more private then a thread, I am willing to send my critique back to you via PMs. Feel welcome to let me know which option you're more comfortable with!

 

     Oh, and I tend to gush. If your cute or clever, do expect me to just go full-bore broken fire hydrant on you with praise. I'm not good at curbing my enthusiasm!! And yes, I can be quite liberal with my praise! I try to balance out every negative with as many positives as I can. I might tend to grade on varying levels, but the points won't mean anything. It'll be sort of an unspoken rule as to whether pros outweigh the cons and vice-a-versa.

 

     Really, there's only two reasons I'm doing this for! One, that I just do genuinely love seeing how others exercise their creativity! And secondly...well, I just love listening to myself talk! Well, type. Natch.

 

                   I look forward to your limitless imaginations!  Chao-Chao! -Widdershins

 

 

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  So, since its taking a while for anyone to attempt something of their own to post here, I'll repost the review I made of GlaciesFrost's   story that goes by the name of Princess and The Knight.

 

 

 

    First off, let me bring up a few, only slightly related things before I move onto the story itself!

     Initially, let me praise you for taking on the romantic genre. While each genre has its faults, Romance is particularly known for falling on itself. You can't go into the romance section of a bookstore these days without 90% of the books having some half-naked male plastered across its cover and very, very clearly telegraphing that the point of this book is sex, not actual romance. Even then, its hard to make the interaction between your love interests ride that fine line between believablity & just enough drama to keep them apart without it seeming like they're just too dense to notice each others' affections. Which is something I think you work quite well, as any socialization it requires a certain testing of the waters between both parties to see where you both can meet. Stands to reason there would be a bit of awkwardness & misgivings as things move along!

   I read it on over on FiMfiction where you posted it and I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but it kind of bugs me how every story over there has four empty lines of space between every few sentences. Pads the length of the story & makes it feel a lot less book-like if you ask me. Dunno if that's just something they get shifted to in there.

  But, on to the story itself!

 

     In the synopsis before the story, you seem to put alot of focus into warning readers about the framing device. Sure, that sort of writing might chafe on some, but don't think you need to worry about it unhinging the flow of the story too much. Maybe its just my fertile imagination or that I've watched one too many animes about what a pack of girls get up to in a spa day, but HOO!  Me thinks some author may have an inclination towards a certain blue-black(Blurple, as I call it. Blurple Horse is best pone!) alicorn lady!

 

   Must say that you are quite good at characterization. You have what, six characters almost with varying amounts of time allotted and none feel like they've been booted aside to give more room to describe those you actually want to focus on. Take Spike for example, completely & utterly unneeded for this, but it stands to reason. Twilight WOULD be one to leave in a tizzy and Spike, being one to care for her, would have to hustle along behind her to see what was up. Once there, it becomes clear he's not needed, and leaves with a shrug and an off-the-claw comment that turns the conversation towards the reminiscence that starts the story. You turned a extraneous character into a catalyst, could have just as easily written him out entirely, but by giving more room for your characters to move you make them more realistic. Rather impressive stroke of writing, I daresay!

 

   One thing that did bother me though, is the focus on the comic books aspect. Its not done poorly by any means just...that it almost seems like the focus of the story is more on liking what you do like, despite what others think, rather then the actual romance between the two. We do after all need some sort of catalyst between the two in order to get them to interact; just seems a tad exaggerated for him to react the way he does. He DID get found out by the local princess, one he has a history with nonetheless, but it was on his free time after all. He's been training for a while it seems, so undoubtedly had to bring it up to the other stallions he works with anyhow, especially that comment that most keep them in their footlocker(...hooflocker?) but he has his own room, being a fresh captain and all.  There are others that still do & he's done so for a while now so it doesn't seem like it'd hit him so hard as to neglect his own training. And...do correct me if I'm wrong here, I don't have the experience of it, but him being a Fresh Captain would still mean he'd have some superior barging down his door the second he decides to skip ANY drills or practice! Shining IS an emotional sort though, I can see him snubbing or avoiding Cadence after all, but not to the point where it would interfere with his job & his calling.

   So too, you brought up a few times how both Cadence & Twily teased him about it in their earlier days. Several...times...really. And I do see that happening often, just doesn't seem like Twiddles to be ridiculing ANYpony for their reading habits, no matter how bad the subject might be. Later in the story she's caught off guard by the implication that it isn't usual to be reading up on spa habits, so even now when she's grown up it still seems she'd only tease her brother for that if she was just ignorantly hopping on the bandwagon of Cadence's teasing without knowing any of how it would affect her brother. A brother she idolizes to the point of singing songs about and coming up with annoying nickname/acronyms for.

   In all, the topic seems warranted, but perhaps a bit too much time spent on it. I wouldn't suggest changing much, because it might change the story a bit too much to do so, it just seems to make the story a bit rough.

 

    The request for a date seems to have come a bit at random considering they'd only made up seconds later. But I very clearly don't know the least bit of how to ask a gal out!!

 

    It...just ends with the two of them agreeing to go out on a date of sorts with each other? Their entire courtship consists of one misunderstanding over two days, making up, one night together, then after that its just implied they got married? Do you intend to add more to the story later on, because I imagine most destined couples spend more then just three days together...there still seems room here for them to...

  You've left me wanting for more. Smart move, My Good Stallion...Check...and mate.

 

   So, as to the story as a whole. It's quite endearing a tale! Perhaps not the most exciting or exemplary, but thoroughly entertaining! I must thank you whole-heartedly for the experience!

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Hmmm, howdy...  hmmmm.... you (I am afraid being incorrect at addressing, I'm not even sure 'you' is appropriate x3) Quite silent here... What do you say at giving a full critique of my OC Missklang? Even though it's not really finished, and the version on the site is more of a draft comparing to the final vision of the character, it's still interesting to see what is possible to rectify to make it more  presentable.... Like, I didn't even include Missklang's soulmate! Eh, I really need to get working on the fanfic/backstory ...And before you say anything, I will remove the Gaster blasters xD Added them as a joke, mainly for myself, during my post-Undertale Gaster fangirling. (Gaster is still best!) But they don't really fit. I will need to find a clever way to include dragon skulls shooting lasers if I still want that feature xD And also, why not give your thought on my new OC's name I came up with: Alscenia Greymane. Thank you ^_^

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@@Widdershins,

 

Oh, hey! I love receiving critiques! Don't know how I haven't come by this thread earlier.

 

If it isn't much to ask, could you critique my most recent OC, little miss Trinket over here? I really wanted to get some feedback/reviews on her. Even though I wasn't able to write long walls of texts in order to go more in-depth into her personality and backstory yet, I just wanted to know if I'm going the right way: if she's balanced in regards to strong and weak traits, if her backstory makes sense, if everything about her blends well together, the color scheme, etc. etc.

 

 

Oh, I also might as well mention that, for her picture, I simply stole borrowed a vector sample and drew over it. So I don't know if it counts. Since I have no artistic skills whatsoever, I just wanted to avoid using the Pony Creator any way I could. :v

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(edited)

   Well, to go in order, I'll do Missklang first. Aaand...well, let's get the biggest issue out of the way first...and I'm sorry, I know this will hit you pretty hard, but...gird yourself...

  You might want to ease up on Discord there.

 Now don't get me wrong. It is often thought in this fandom that relating yourself to a cannonical character is an immediate death sentence for an OC. Though I for one think that, like with most things, it just needs to be done in moderation. Like what I did for my main 'sona. (and there's an awful lot of similarities between mine & yours which is why I may be dancing around a bit in this review.) Sure, he's got close ties to Celestia and heck, the only one that likely knows for sure where he came from or how he first landed in Equestria is probably her, but I tried to use her as more of a springboard for Widdershins's story. I think a good rule of thumb (or whatever important appendage you wish to use) is that if your character quite literally would not exist as it stands now without the efforts of that show character, then your using them a little too heavily.

   Think the main complaint most have about that method is that: "Well now, if they're such best buddies with Twilight, how come she never talks about her on the show HUH?!" and the little fact is forgotten that these characters exist outside of the show too. Not every little thing the main six do is worthy of screentime, they can walk past your OC everyday and say Hi, it doesn't have to be that integral to their lives. Now if your reaching "he's just the bestest best guard ever & Luna totes saw how awesome he was and hired him on the spot & gave 'im his own country" then yeah, maybe your just feeding your own ego now.

    It kind of seems hinted at that your OC exists as a result or by-product of Discord's magic/plans. While this makes sense to a degree, after all, Discord doesn't seem to pay attention to the after effects of his spells and may very well have created you unknowing or uncaring and effectively being your parent, this makes your character a bit too dependent on Discord. It seems like it was created solely because you like that character. It seems like it exists the way it does because of the way it was created. Her story doesn't really pick up after using Discord and become his own being. Sort of like moonlight striking a puddle of toxic waste to create life. Wait...I just compared you to Muk, that's not an insult!

  Think that's my biggest issue with it. MissyKabang is more of a grab-bag of powers & abilities. Now that's not bad by any means, but less focus should be put on that & more on how it lives, reacts to things and exists by virtue of its own...virtues. Take her personality for.....wait, no, I'm going out of order again. Let me start over now!

 

   First thing first, the age! Now firstly before that first firstly, I really don't get why this site asks for exact ages... that's more of a ballpark thing if you ask me but anyway. One thing I would heavily advise against is having an unknown age, and especially don't do that maudlin Age:??? malarkey! Its an incredibly cliche, common & cheap shtick to shake around! Now, yeees, I did sort of do that for Widdy, but that's on account that he doesn't know his own age and no one around him does so its more of a ballpark figure more then anything! Which is what I feel most ought do, be vague about things! There may be a complicated paper trail history blowing behind Missklang, but it seems sane enough to have likes, dislikes, friends and above all a history he can remember! Even if it won't say, there's that first recorded sighting that's pretty much confirmed so we have that at least to count as a birthday of sorts! Besides, I think one reason the site asks it, is that age is seen more as a sort of idea for what they look like & mental maturity. If he looks & acts like a teen, then you can at least say "Appears 17."

 

   As for gender...well that goes off into another issue. There's a bit of trouble with being an amorphous character. You mention later on about another being appearing that looks similar in appearance but... if they can change their gender at will, then its a cinch to expect their other body parts, features, hair and etc are libel to change just as much. With a character that variable, can you really describe them at all? A cream horse (well, more like tan to off-white if you ask me. I like to give a range of shades to my characters like gray-green. Coat/skin color can be vague in real life too.) with red hair streaked with grey is just really the suit-like appearence he/she/it likes to favor. Having something that important be that variable comes with a great responsibility to you, the author, to pin it down sos others can know her when they sees her. Sure, Widdershins may be fully capable of recreating his own body at will, but his current old limbs hold precedence. He could just ram whatever's handy in place of a missing part, but it'd take years for it to fully integrate into his being and be "him."

 

  And the eyes.... Foo, I do appreciate dragony implications but... When the only part is just one part, you can hardly call him a dragonpony, can you? In fact, if I just handed a pair of disembodied dragon eyeballs to some bystander on the street they would likely just think of them as more of just vaguely reptilian. Well, that is, after they screamed for the closest police force. But I digress! Saying they're a dragonpony JUST to give them the eyes when it already is a magical construct creature of unknown origin comes off a bit much. Think you can get off by not even mentioning it at all, her eyes have slanted pupils because that's just how she is. If anyone balks, she is magical after all! That's what I did with Ambie. Went to the Pony Creator on DeviantArt, liked the blind-pupils look and I'm just passing it off as "They've always been like that, and he's just never questioned it." Heh, cheap sure, but hey, genetics can give you the short end of the stick sometimes, eh?

 

   I do like the cutie mark. Think that was one of the ideas that came up on BronyNotion's video that went off wondering about what Discord's cutie mark might be. A chaos symbol is complicated, but just simple enough to work for that. But...especially what with the way you immediately referred the pink cloud part to "what appeared when Discord broke out" it kind of makes it seem like only a step below having Discord's face plastered across your Patootie. :umad:

 

    The personality part is serviceable. Though it really does seem like your dancing around and avoiding the word Unstable. If you ask me, there's no shame in being unstable, moody, prone to being inexplicable. But that dancing around is a pretty clever way to tell your characters personality more by telling a story then just outright listing things like a ninny. Like little idiosyncrasies they do to show how they're prone to behave around others, like getting in meandering, pointless conversations, behaving awkwardly or sitting on other ponies heads. Oh, and dunno if you really need to put effort in saying your a good friend. It's more noteworthy when your NOT a good friend sometimes.  Especially in Equestria, yeeeesh!

  Oh, and speaking of listing things like a ninny...

 Yurgh...the Likes & Dislikes could use some trimming. Most of that might be better put as their own little anecdotes or stories, given their own time. Some are so oddly specific that it becomes rather blatant that this is your ponysona of sorts. While some might be better used as a separate list of Fears. Heck, I kind of consider a list of "Things that Irritate this Character" to be generally useless unless they feel about it so strongly that they'll pick a fight over it or talk your ears off about it. Which...would make for a better mini-story then just some piddling wee listy.

A few things to list about your list that was listed:

 Likes:     -Objectiveness & Logic               Whoah, whoa. Ain't that the opposite of you?

  - Chaos Magic              What, doing it? Isn't that solely Discord's shtick? Like if you use any of it, he immediately knows?

    - Fun             Wow! I didn't know having Fun was fun!! I have so much to learn!!

   -Discord (under doubt)                     Hah....Noooo, I know you well enough, Honey. There is nooo doubt there for you!

But really now, the parts about Moonlight, hourglasses and the drinking of suspicious magical vials have to be elaborated on! The way you bring it up implies some sort of story behind that, or else you wouldn't have mentioned it!

  Dislikes:   -Emotions          Uhh, just up above you stated: "While they can be overemotional over certain things and overreact, in true, they are quite emotionless and sometimes apathetic..."  You can't be both. You can't be entirely -less only part of the time! Pick a side! Also, terrible line that.

 -Celestia             I'll kill you for that! Infidels! They must be purified!! Baste the Unbelievers!!        *cough* Moving on...

 -Cupcakes    What, like the fanfiction? That's oddly specific.

-when friends cry                    Really? You know what its called when you don't react to sadness in the people you've come to trust? It's called being a massive insensitive monster. Aaaawful lot of focus on friendship for an ultra-mysterious magical being that no one knows about. Especially given that you haven't mentioned them having any actual friends or coming into contact with any mortals of the realm.

  The backstory...could likely use some more work. As it stands, its mostly just "I've shown up everywhere that's been important!" Your like a living, magical Where's Waldo?! book. Ooh, I got to get me one of those!

  Once again you tease us with a story of potentially interacting with some other character & thereby showing some of your character's traits, but you don't go into any detail.

  The abilities seem fine, love the first one. Do love me some unnatural abilities, a sort of aura around them they can't really turn off! Not sure about different ways to channel magic, but that is magic so I can't exactly balk too much there.

  Hooo boy, though the parts about bragging that you "appear to be almost unkillable" or "Never seems to use it's powers in full strength, often losing fights on purpose as seems to not caring much for the outcome." Yeah...that "I'm not gonna bother using my full power against you" cliche, I think you know already why I'm miffed at that. Don't make me use the M-S word!                          Mangy Squirrelsss!!

   It's fine having a grab bag of powers, but it does need to be kept fair though. Like how most unicorns only know a handful of spells that they're used to using, not many can both fly and teleport or levitate all at the same time. It's what you focus on doing and doing your best with, its the same way with weaponry. I see an aaawful lot of warmonger ponies that are just inexplicably good at ALL weapons. I'm sure any actual weaponmaster will tell you a mace to a sword to a shield are entire worlds of difference!

   Ugh, Pinkie Sense. Now this is just a personal peeve of mine, but that is not a magical power in and of itself! That's more of an... intuition, a natural ability. Not unlike being the one in your family that's better able to reach that tippy-top shelf.

  Having a toolbox of magical gadgetry is nifty but moot. Most tools like that can be used by anybeing, so while it is characteristic for them to have that, its not entirely necessary to mention. In my opinion, that's something best left to another story entirely.

  As I stated in the comments over there, the Gaster Blasters are fiiiine. I just don't think you ought actually call them that. It's best to just loosely describe them & let the reader make that connection. If they don't, it'll just sound like another magic spell. Though.... think the issue is, while individually each of these magical abilities can kinda work with a few of them, they sort of all pile on top of each other. Feels a bit like more of a list of things you thought sounded cool that would make you more important, rather then skills learned that have become a part of the characters self. I really hate to tell you to lop a couple off, because each are creative and cool in their own ways, but it is a bit much.  Take for example, any monster hunter has a range of skills & weaponry, but they've trained in it so much that its a part of their identity/class. Like you can tell by looking at someone if they've made their living by the sword, dagger set or bow. Eh, but I digress, that's more mental meanderings for another time.

 

  All in all, not a bad character...but its kind of up there. Needs a bit more pruning & shaping. A bit too much of grab-bag powers to be true to its own character. It's not so much bad as....Hmm, how do I put this?    I rate it an uncleaned, unpeeled banana unceremoniously shoved off-centered into a slightly thawed grocery-store cheesecake.... out of ten.

 

 

 

Whooo! I beat my previous post letter record! 10 thousand letter mark! Woot!

 Edit: Hah...the two posts morphed together! Make that a 15 thousand letter mark! Hah!

 

 

 Driz-a, Drizzle, Drey, time for this OC creator to get dismayed!

 

  Well, did pretty good with vectoring, whatever that is, lol! Gosh darn, that is one cute manestyle! And those big, green, beautiful eyes are just luring me in! Hee-hee!  Black mane on blue is rather rare, so think your good there. Can't think of any other ponies like that. The colors seem a tad off though... the blue coat almost seems grey, but maybe its clashing just a tad with how ink-black the mane is. Maaaybe fidget around a bit with color tints. As it is, dark black mane, pierced earrings and a leather strap around the "wrist" kind of gives an almost goth look. An' not the good kind of goth I'm used to! /pout

  Don't know if I like them earrings...Yeah, I know girls wear them and all, and it does work a fair bit so your free to keep at it. Maybe I'm just thrown by seeing ponies as more like animals; bedazzling them seems a smidgen unnatural to me maybe.
  Her tail seems a bit off... no, no wait, that's what it is! It's unkempt! Gosh, how rare is it to see a mare in this universe that hasn't primped their hair to ridiculous lengths like Rarity has! Rather like the natural growth look; only seem to get that on the farm ponies like Pinkie and her sisters. Even Rainbow & Appleyak look like they brush their tails constantly. Certainly get some points with me for a natural look, and not only that but rolling Earth Pony too!

      That cutie mark though....eehh... Six colors in that.... Maybe if it was just the blocks or just the screwdriver it'd look better, but that's not what your aiming for...Hmmm. Ooh! You mention later on she uses a Rubix Cube (Ooh, neat name for an OC! I'll just scribble that down for later...) as a stress ball, know what one way to "fix" a rubix cube is? With a screwdriver! Hee! Hmm, Replace the three blocks with one big, divided one behind the screwdriver? Would still be complicated...unless you only showed two sides of it & had the screwdriver only be black & grey. Also...just noticed this, but man oh man, those cutie mark blocks are like eyepiercingly bright! They look a bit duller on the actually pony but it almost hurts the eyes seeing them against white backgrounds. Maybe tone the brightness down on that too?

   Also.....uhhhhh...just pointing this out....the long, sharp point of that screwdriver is aimed right at the base of her tail....so...might want to...aim that a bit better perhaps....Just sayin'!

   I don't know if the leather "glove" strap-on is entirely necessary. It's a rather clever afterthought indeed, but we've seen the ponies in the show hold things like cups and other narrow objects without trouble. I guess hooves are somehow just magically like hands.

 

   Her personality (Poniality?) isn't half bad. She's outgoing & perky, but can panic and be emotional at times. Rather balanced I'd say, maybe a little contradictory or even a bit shallow and bland. But most of my characters are mythical beasts or undead, so do NOT take my advice on making anything more "exciting" lol! She may not have the most depth, but she's a cute lass with a lot of potential! I like her!

 

    "With a motherly-like nature.."

AAAH! THERE IT IIIIS!  Wow! I can practically hear the crew of Your OC Sucks screaming in agony! Rofl!

 Haaah....Don't know why those chaps hate that word so much! But do tell me! What exactly does the term "Motherly" even mean? That your nice to others? Shouldn't everybeing already be like that? Maybe that's why they don't like it, maybe it has a history of being thrown about without meaning, heh.

  *wipes away a tear* Aah... my first "motherly" oc so early on in my reviewing career! I'm so proud of myself!

 

  A rather good backstory, I daresay! Now I usually dislike the habit of implying that cutiemarks & talents run in families, like all the apples earning apple marks/names even if they only drive a delivery truck. We ARE going to run out of apple symbols after several generations aren't we?!!?

  Anyhow, your OC proves me wrong there though. Why wouldn't she get interested in what she spends most of her time around, eh? It's toymaking after all! It's rather sweet too, that she kind of extended that skill into general repair after dabbling in her father's business. And she only got her cutie mark AFTER delving into other mediums! It's about toy fixing specifically, but more about fixing in general. Though there is a touch bit of "now she's just good at everything in the fixing business."

 "Graham's Toy Empire"? Take it her father's name is Graham? Bit of an odd name for a pony. And...kind of presumptuous to call your business an "Empire."

 

  Oh hey...more Like/Dislike lists....Yaay....this is going to become a pet peeve of mine, isn't it? Sure, its easy, just seems like a pile of random attributes.

  Likes: Cats       Oh hey, whattaya know? So does Missklang! Hey Missklang, howsabout you turn mare again and go out on a cat playdate? And if one of you is missing a cat to take, I've got a few feline OCs, lol!

  She dislikes "Loss of Control"? Who's control? Control of what? Bit too vague there.

   Pfft, she dislikes property damage? Well, who DOES LIKE... oh wait, considering how much I cause....

  And one last bit, you mention she's a stranger to technology. Aren't most tools considered technology? Tools she has to daily use? Golly, most woodworking shops I've seen tend to have some rather large machinery like bandsaws and whatnot....come to think of it, most of Equestria doesn't have all that much in the way of technology so hating it would likely be rare. Wait...wouldn't most of the tools she uses already be considered top of Equestria's technology?

 

   Well, all in all, Cute Pone! Maybe tinker with the colors a bit and simplify the cutie mark a bit more and she oughta be good!!

 

 

P.S. Huh...just realized I never did a run-down of Missklang's visual asthetics. Hmm, well she was a bust shot at best shot. Think I'd need a bigger, full-body shot in order to do that...

 

 

Edit, Re-add-on post, whatevs, lol!

 

  Forgot to go over your second OC name there, Missklang!  Greymane works quite well for a pony name too, just general enough to sound pony while not being quite bland enough to stick out. Kind of sounds rather regal too. And I'm not just saying that because that also happens to be the name of the werewolf leader in Warcraft who's basically a were-Sean Connery! Al-...Alscen-ia? That's kind of a mouthful of a first name though. Really, I'll have to see what the OC looks like to see if it fits first, but pony names tend to be more descriptive even if a bit indirectly related. Don't like that first name though...a bit spiky in the mouth.

Edited by Widdershins

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(edited)

@@Widdershins

 

First of all, I'd just like to say that I absolutely adore your writing style. Regardless of what the actual critique has to say, it remains an incredibly fun read throughout. Bravo! mlp-dclap.png

 

Anyway, to clear out some of the question-slash-doubts on a few points...

 

About the leather wristband, I just never really bought the idea of ponies having magnets inside their hooves so they can just defy physics and pick up any object they want. I wanted to try and give a little bit of more realism to that aspect, especially considering Trinket often has to operate on some rather small toys, so she'd need a rather small tool to fit in a rather small articulation and perform a rather small make-believe surgery. Would require at least some sort of precision. But yeah, I do agree it looks a tad out of place on her.

 

With "motherly-nature", instead of just being kind to everybody else like a mother would, I meant more in the sense of that she takes her closest friends under her wing and self-designates the responsibility of keeping them safe and happy at all times. Even somewhat paranoid in that aspect, like everything has to be in order at all times, and if it's not, it's her fault. Which then, in turn, serves as a counter to her "easily panics" side (which applies to the contradiction you mentioned). But then again, I'm aware it's an overused term.

 

She's a stranger to technology, like computers, tablets, programs, the internet, hi-tech stuff like that. She can USE them to some extent, although she has no idea how they work on the inside. Being a hipster rather old-school in her workplace, she prefers only utilizing primitive tools such as hammers, screwdrivers, needles, saws, basically anything mechanic she can operate, so she makes-do with those. Guess I forgot to add that somewhere, but stuff like video games, AI-based robots and anything computery are amongst the only types of toys she still wasn't able to fully comprehend how to make.

 

Well... In the end, I do agree with most issues you brought up, like some of the colors being too bright or not blending well, the screwdriver unintentionally pointing towards ughhhhhhh and the names in her backstory (her father's and the store's) being just straight up odd-sounding. Overall, that was a really solid review! Thank you so much for that. I do intend to edit most of those issues whenever I'm not feeling so lazy~

 

Thanks again! c:

Edited by Driz

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(edited)

Heh, you are right. If I could compare my OC page, it would be to a garden that had been forgotten and full of weed that needs to be pulled.

  • About Discord being a vital part of my backstory. I, sadly, can't remove that. It's an important part of the backstory. If this brick would be removed, it would destroy the rest. But for the "if he knows you, how come he never mention you" it's easy, he thinks he killed me before the chaos era began (or at least imprisoned), and Missklang changed too much for him to recognise it, and some other reasons too. (or he forgot, or not aware i'm still here)
  • Age, I'm actually aware of that but didn't put it there, because I need to understand exactly how much time the era of chaos lasted. So I'll soon add that.
  • Now the dragon-pony part. Firstly, I must say, that my vision of a dragon-pony is based on Sparity from the "Crazy future" comic. Essentially what this means is that a dragon-pony have two forms. One "dragon-like" with wings and horns and claws and everything else, and the other "disguised" form in which the dragon pony looks...well...pony. The eyes, it's more like a distinct trait that cannot be removed. It's a bit like the animagus from Harry Potter, always bearing a similar trait to the human in the animal form. Also, I took inspiration from Mystique of the Marvel universe, who, even when disguised, sometimes have the eyes flash the original yellow colour.
  • The cutie mark, it's my favourite part. I did, after all, drew it first and made a character around that would fit it x3. As you pointed out, I did get the idea from BronyNotion's Discord cutie mark video. And as it turned out to be, it was a heck good of an idea. But you are right, maybe I should remove the "Discord cloud" part. I only put that there to have a full-text description of the image without showing it.
  • Now for the likings. Yeh, I figured "objectives and logic" look out of space. It is the problem on not fully explaining the character's mind and all that. It does make sense, but I need to bother specifying few things. It also works well as a secondary interpretation to the cutie mark which would then represents his personality.
  • Chaos magic, while in the show, only Discord appears to use it, in my tiny universe, there is different forms of magic. Chaos, "normal", dragon, channelling and so on. Discord, as well as Missklang, are what I call "Chaos entities" who can use said magic.
  • Fun... for my defence, I can object that some dislike seeing others having fun, like for example discorded Pinkie Pie. But yes, I want to remove that because redundant.
  • Discord... well, back in the day I used to almost worship him, but it faded away. I still like him, though, without excessive fangirling, however. I need to remove "Discord" from "likes". Missklang doesn't "like" Discord. He tried to kill him after all. (ugh, backstory that needs to be written!) but he doesn't "dislike" him either. I think. That's why the (under doubt) thing.
  • Dislikes emotions. Well, one can be too emotional, be aware of it, and thus disliking emotions which are his weakness. This is the case with Missklang. He thinks emotions prevent thinking rationally or clearly and conduct to an unpredictable behaviour which is unwanted. But he can't control himself enough to stop overreacting and attachment to ponies.
  • Cupcakas... Indeed, it dates from the time I discovered the whole "Pinkamena Diane Pie being an emotionless monster killer pone" thing. So I slapped that there reasoning that somehow, through 4th wall breaking, Missklang were aware of that, and thus scared his version of Pinkie Pie could go crazy like that too... But I need to remove that.
  • The backstory is undeveloped, true because I'm in process of making it... for a year now... I'm lazy. The draft that sits in the "backstory" section is more there to emphasise on the fact Missklang is rarely seen, and that he is ooooold. But you are right, it is a total disaster that needs to be either burned with fire or rewritten.
  • Bag of stuff, that's a bit redundant when you have chaos magic and access to hammerspace. I need to reduce that solely to poison joke bombs.
  • Pinkie sense... hmm I forgot I even put that there, I'll need to remove that. I never used that, so, TO THE BIN IT GOES! Wooooooooo gets dunked on! khm... I got carried away. Too much undertale in the character. Eh, as I told: I became slightly obsessed with W.D.Gaster when a friend pointed out that Missklang's last name "Dengeser" sounded a lot like "D.Gaster".

Also, for the name "Alscenia". It's complicated because it had to sound old-styled, to highlight the time period of her existance. It can, however, be shortened to "Alice" by close friends ^_^ Alscenia is not that hard to pronounce though. Alsssenia xD

Edited by Missklang

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  Dear Missy Kaching:    (and yes, I'm doing that on purpose!)

    To be frank, you can't really do that. Now really, when one thinks of it, creatures as timeless as Discord & your OC have lived different lifetimes. Some odd thousand years ago they may have been very different even more violent then they are today as we know them, but my issue with this still stands I feel. Having enmity with not only an important character in the show, but one that undoubtedly counts as an outright God kind of sounds a bit rather like your claiming that only a god can strike you down. If you show your character as some ruler of a far off land that is a tyrant in his own right, so much so that he incurs the wrath of Celestia and they have this epic showdown that nobeing else has heard of yet since it was so far away and long ago. This... sort of brings to mind the infalliable-ness of your OC. I feel that no one wants to hear of some God's face puncher unless its an action video game where they can pretend they are that character.  But Inclinations of self-import aside, that's not the worst part of the notion. Your kind of trying to rewrite a character every other fan of the show has already seen & has their own concept of that character already. That's why many contrary depictions of Celestia as being a tyrant or a pervert tend to invoke many's ire; it clashes with the readers' preconceptions.

   Besides, we know Discord isn't a killer. We've seen him get rashly, even violently jealous of a pony that started to endanger his source of attention from the one, if not only, mare that has shown him any compassion or caring. (And no! I DON'T SHIP FLUTTERCORD!! lol...) What was the first thing he lept to? Banishing her to another dimension. Granted, that was the Sock Puppet Dimension (*shudder*) so she very well could have gone insane eventually & killed herself from the sheer horror of it, but that still wouldn't have been direct ponislaughter on Discord's part. He seems the sort of being to more toy with you; manipulating you well enough to what you think your doing to combat him is only helping his secret agenda or maybe just leaving you somewhere to go mad.

   In short, writing a story of you picking a fight with Mr. God of Chaos sounds a bit like an attempt at making yourself sound important. An audience is like Livestock. (But don't tell the other readers that...) You tie them up, drag them to the watering trough of story development and force their head down to it & tell them to feel, and they'll be bucking & kicking the entire way! Leave it out for them, let them make their own way to it, and they'll happily eat the same feed you would have forced on them. It's what I say, nothing is completely impossible to happen. Just that the bigger you dream, the bigger you have to scheme!

 

  Now the dragon-pony part. Firstly, I must say, I read that Crazy Future strip over on DeviantArt! Sparity is just sooo cute! I love dragonponies!! But I always thought that that & the animagus bit was more to do with a magical guise that those involved put on to look more "normal." Throwing in another species lineage can bring in doubt, like what I said before about maybe it ought be more magical in origin than looking more like an organic species especially since your character isn't exactly organic in origin to begin with! Liken it maybe more towards that Mystique example you brought up. Though I think that sounds more like something she's doing intentionally..... to imply drama to the movie's audience...Nyeh, still works!

 

  As for Chaos magic, I kind of see Discord being so integral to it that he's practically made out of chaos magic himself. Not unlike Malygos, the dragon Aspect of Magic from Warcraft, we're he drained of magic he would likely not be able to move around or even support his own body's dimensions. Thunderation, I still can't get over the fact that when Tirek "drained" Discord he should have, by rights, ate Discord whole! I mean, the good ol' Goatface likes to pop his own bodybits off and play with them like they were balls of yarn! Magic has got to be the only thing holding him together! And if he is as much a part of what he proclaims himself to be a God of, then just as likely whenever any pony anywhere uses any amount of Chaos magic then he knows! But I digress, now we're just going down the whole rabbit hole and I've got a whole 'nother thread for this headcannery!

 

    Do love the OC, as I love seeing it all work together. There's just an awful lot of it to work with! Look forward to seeing the new OC and more of your work!  Oh, and gratulate on making Bird rank!

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(edited)

I may be going too fast by saying "kill". He only trapped me in a book, that's all. Well, I guess the main thing is, I'm more creating a similar alternate universe by combining headcanons, theories and personal interpretations of characters. You see, in my tiny universe, Discord is not a god. In fact, he was Starswirl at one point. (I am an avid supporter of the Starswirl is Discord theory). After all, the more I look the show, the less powerful Discord seems to be. Not as powerful as I thought he was anyway. I did think of him as an omnipotent god at one point, but then, so easily defeated by Tirek, and then, his magic is easily nullified by Chrissie's throne. And at the end of the day, Discord, even if he plays a vital part in Missklang's backstory, he only interacts with him for a few minutes maximum. In fact, they never even fight since Discord takes Missklang by surprise and traps him before anything happens. In fact, it's even possible he trap him without realising it, without even knowing he did that. To sum up, I need to get it done, the backstory, the cleaning of OC page, so much work. So lazy, though. I'll guess I'll slowly try to do it as the time goes by ^_^ Thanks for the critique, though, I appreciate it ^_^.

 

Ahhh, I remember the early days when Klang was just a concept. He was supposed to be the previous librarian at Poniville library before Twilight, who got fired because of his dangerous magical experiments and research which went into the domain of forbidden by Celestia. But he was a scientist and researcher in his soul, so he didn't bother with such mundane stuff like "morals" and "ethics". Never did harm anyone, though, still, his researches were touching extremely controversial topics. And he would go to a secret lab/house located in the everfree to continue the study, or perhaps settled in the old castle of sisters since it had a library. I think castle.  And when he would come back to Poniville, during Discord's return, he would, trying to escape from weird bunny monsters, hid in a book using Haycard's method, but got trapped there because of Discord's magic which prevents him to cancel the spell. The book would be carried by monsters and abandoned in the Everfree, in a pile of poison joke flowers. Since the spell used Klang's magic to keep going since he was the caster, he stayed in the book for months until his magic ran out, then he finally got out of the book, to end up in poison jokes, which would affect his eyes, changing them to red. As his magic would be completely and forever gone, and it didn't regenerate over time anymore because he depleted it to fullest, which is a big no-no for unicorns(they are told from birth, if you deplete your magic, you will loose it forever), he started to eat poison jokes that were full of chaos magic to replenish his own magic, using the absorbed chaos magic as a substitute to the naturally generated unicorn magic he lost access to. That greatly limited his magic usage because he used chaos magic essence to power spells which weren't made for chaos magic. That made his spells fail often and have strong unpredictable chaotic side effects and in addition, the poison joke poison was slowly affecting him and his mind, which would eventually lead to him losing it completely(in far, far future). That's why he had the bag of poison joke bombs since he couldn't rely on spells. He was trying to find a cure for it, but it became an addiction, the chaos magic. He eventually forgot who he was, changed so much nopony would recognise him. Changed his name to Missklang. One of the side effects of the joke poison was memory loss. That's why all he did was usually roaming around without a goal. Perhaps Missklang was better at that time, a true lunatic madman with no history and no future... I changed him a lot... But still, I do like the first version of the story. It had its own charm...

 

P.S.: You mentioned Treehugger going insane from being trapped in the Sock dimension. That is what happened to Klang. Being trapped in a book is no fun at all. x3

Edited by Missklang

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   So last I posted an example of a review I had done, it was a rather positive one. For sake of balance, here's one... less favorable. Gird yourselves, its rather a long one!

    From Hastur's personal collection of short stories we have their Dive into Psyche.

 

 

Posted 06 December 2016 - 05:25 PM

  Hoh...wow...uh...       Well, first off, sorry about that Hastur. Completely forgot there was a second story to read!

.....

 Huh...boy howdy did I need the space between them... Uh, how do I put this?...Well...I can see you like the older way of storytelling, of being descriptive and taking your time to weave your words, its quite an enviable trait I can see you pursuing. Your first short story worked that aspect quite well! Focused very well on its own artistic merits...your second...Well, to be blunt. Is a good example of why we don't write that way anymore...It...it just.../sigh

 

   If I can hazard a guess? Is it based off a few consecutive dreams you had? Its rather quite...indecipherable. Judging by what you said above, that may be something you were aiming for, but it doesn't seem to have come across. It has creativity & effort, I'll give you that. I like the notion of the Narrator, but you didn't really speak of him and he sort of just got buried under everything else. With all due respect, I kind of have difficulty even calling this a story. Everything moves so very fast, shifting so uncontrollably that we move onto the next setting so fast as to make the previous one entirely moot. I know it is usually said as an exaggeration but this story really did get worse as the longer it went on.

  I consider myself a pretty loving guy, heh...I don't take to hating anything particularly quickly, but man...this came awfully close there, heh...

  Right out the gates, first paragraph, you hit us with Astral Projection. I think, that maybe alot of people consider that a sort of magical power of sorts. Immediately stating a character has suddenly gained surprising new powers before we even know anything about her other then that she keeps a messy room. That's...that's just sucker punching your reader there. Heck, don't think the story ever goes into detail of what she looks like, responds to things or any other personality traits; we don't even get a name until the story is more then half over! Are we supposed to sympathize with this character or is she just food for the scary things she comes across? In fact, this whole Astral Projection calls into doubt almost the entirety of the story. She keeps describing things she feels when we know she can't be feeling pretty much anything without her body.

   I don't want to go into too much details or go over trifling details like spelling errors, at risk of saying far too much and coming across nitpicky. Don't want to go about pelting you with a list, so I'll just mention a handful of things about the actual writing.

  Firstly, you could do well to add a bit more variety in punctuation. Think you did pretty well in your first story, but in a tale like this one where its centered around her reactions to her surroundings a few exclamation marks sprinkled here and there would add a bit more emotion to your writing. As it stands with so many short sentences ending tersely with a stubborn little dot, it kind of comes across a bit like your just bullet point listing off how things look. First two sentences for example can be combined with a comma, or even less like: "I awaken in the center of my bedroom, finding it odd that..." That short, blunt little eight word sentence you start off sounds a bit like your demanding a response out of your reader. Like, "I am here." That thought sort of seems to carry though the story, behaving sort of like we put our character on a roller coaster and just watch as things happen to her. I find the "do nothing of it" in the first line rather clunky & odd. All we know so far is that someone is off their bed, what is there to do about that? Should she be scared about that fact? Are we, as the audience supposed to find that ominous? From the first line it already feels like your telling us we ought react to something.

  In the scenes of the paintings whizzing past our heroine decribes her "ultimate fear" and being afraid of others finding it out. Yeah...think most of us are afraid of being torn to shreds. Don't think she needs to worry that much about being judged for that.

  Top of the second page. You know, I do say, take my criticisms with a grain of salt, I watch far too many over-reacting YouTuber reviewers so I too am likely to over-react maybe. But they do bring up solid points, I feel. Was watching one reading over internet meme-creepypastas and that seems to be a thing bad creepypastas do, is over-explain things. Your character enters a new room, looks down to see a crowd of people and instantly knows there is exactly 125 people in that crowd. I would really suggest against using specific numbers, especially when its supposed to seem like the observer ought be panicking too much to be able to tell things with that much accuracy.

  I think, perhaps, that is where this story sort of went askew for yew. You went and decribed a bit too much.

If I may quote directly: "They were almost normal; to me they seem as a threat with the possibility of not being so." I'm rather lost as to what that line is supposed to mean. That they have a threat of not being a threat or that they may not be "normal" and in that is something that threatens you?

  It's mentioned that "heat" is felt coming off this crowd, but we've already stated that she's astral projecting, what she's encountering clearly can't be real as she's already seen herself leave herself behind. What I mentioned before, ruins the story a bit if we already know that she can't be affecting her surroundings, but her environment is what's reacting around her. If she's real enough to feel the heat of these phantasms, then that tumble she takes later on in the story should have snapped her spine!

  Probably the third biggest mistake I caught, is when she meets the..."Tribunal". When she enters it is mentioned there's four other beings in there with her, then after seeing the second, she's all the sudden surprised to see "two more." One of those lines ought be omitted, likely the first so that the second line does catch the audience by surprise too.

  Do love the pantheon you've set up, does cater to the imagination well. But one of these beings you describe as being made entirely out of shadow...while also having shadow come out of it. That's...sort of like pouring a glass of water into a pool of water...how can you tell?

   Another big mistake I caught, was that when she attempts to escape from this tribunal she claims she can't because the crowd is blocking her way...despite having left them behind when the big doors clamped shut behind her when she entered. 

  Another line I don't get is the Eye's second line of "She is aware that it will never come and this breeds hatred for those who do."

 The previous line only stated that she was jealous, not of what. So what is "It" that won't come? Who does what? She hates those that "do" the thing she is jealous of? The focus of the first half of the sentence is on this "It" while the latter half is about "Those" and I'm just rather lost again...heh...

   Later on, you mention the phrase "My lungs feel a form of drowning" ...there's...different ways of drowning? Don't they all end up doing the same process & results? Aren't the lungs always involved in restricted breathing? Sort of seems like an afterthought of a descriptive term that could have been better melded into preceding descriptive sentences.

    

   Sigh, and the fifth paragraph of the third pages is where the ball started speeding up as it went downhill. I mentioned earlier how fast the scenes changed, and this it where it hits the hardest. You go from falling, touch down in a field, barely before your on your feet long enough to gain barings, you black out into a blackish landscape, fall again, and wind up in a Greek Library! That's three scenes covered, double that if you count the falling, in less then a paragraph! I do realize your aiming for dreamscape here, but if such little time is spent in each scene, why bother even paying attention to them? Any or all of those could have been cut out entirely to have her just drop straight into the library! And hoh, the library!...

   Didn't like the library either, she's uncovering books of her life, realizes they're about her, information likely no human ought be able to tell, states that its unnerving & scary, then keeps reading them. Why?!!?

  Sure, here we do get some details about our character. Too late in the story, and none of it in any way pertains to how she got where she is now, or anything about how she reacts, just trifling details that even in the hands of some unknown being, would still likely not be enough for them to do anything to her.

  I know I mentioned trying to not mentioning typos but... top of the fourth page, the entire back half of a sentence is lopped off and likely the remainder of the paragraph too.

   The last book she reads, tells of her death. Yet you imply of her "possible deaths." Each of the previous cases was incredibly specific, almost first-hand accounts, meant to imply these books somehow wrote themselves so to speak. Therefore, her future is just as present here as her past. The details of her death ought be just as exact as her birth.

   "Sky me away?" I tried googling that phrase just now & couldn't find anything. If that actually is an actual word, then you sir, have gained a noble prize in something that has never happened in my life. You've actually found a phrase more archaic then what I typically use!

 

  I somewhat get the feeling you were building up to this character of the Narrator. But...that's sort of the issue, describing something as featureless isn't really describing it. All we're left with, is maybe the Slenderman with pretty eyes. And other then its capability to kill, Mister Slender isn't exactly scary to very many people. Simply not knowing isn't enough to entice or to fear, not to me anyway. It's more about potential. Which... do think you play on rather well too.

  Which is something I'd like to get in an argument with Mr. Lovecraft over. If you call the unnameable the Unnameable, then you've named it, haven't you? But anyway...

 

 

  There's a certain phrase among writing: Show, don't tell. But I don't quite get that, its storyTELLing, you kind of tell everything you do anyway. But I think that's what went wrong with this story. You focused far, far, far too much on describing what happened rather then what interacted with our character. There's a reason everyone gets so upset when the movie ends with a "It was all just a dream!" revelation, that just mitigates the entire time spent watching all of it. After your story is done & over, what are we left with? That this one lady just got really scared one night?

  There's a reason we forget dreams so easily. They don't follow any discernible path or impact us after. So we simply don't.

 

 

 

 

  Wow... over eight thousand letters for this post...New Record!

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@@Widdershins

 

*bump*

 

Hi, it's me again~

 

Well, as it turns out, I finally managed to complete my full OC trio! After Trinket, which you already reviewed, along came Helios and Lory. If you're still up for the task, it would be lovely if you could give them another one of those good ol' critiques in regards to their designs, personalities and backstories. I was actually planning on using them in a fanfic together, so I could tie their backstories somehow. But that's just a plan, reserved for some distant time in the future. Either way, it's always nice to receive some feedback on how I could improve. Since last time, I got rid of the likes/dislikes section and instead added a voice reference. Tell me whether it worked or not.

 

Oh, and happy new year, also! ppartytime.png

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Hoo-hoo-hwaaah!

Boy Howdy! Was going to save this review for later when I wasn't tired, but MAN! Helios is three cups of coffee into my system! Do pardon me if I get a bit excited during this! WHEW! Just let me get this out of my system first! Loved the added personal touch of a voice reference, I did, but...

  This might very well be just a coincidence. But all I hear is Kalcegos from Warcraft!

It's an epic voice, to be sure. But I just want to smack Kallcey and tell him to calm down for once in his life, hee-hee!

 

Hoo! But on Heeelios! Metronome! Xinthos!!    *or however the chant goes!*

    Kudos on having a pony OC that isn't "young adult" Don't know why that could possibly be a recurring trend in this field! Does seem like quite the archaeologist type, and I'm really quite impressed you managed to avoid using the word Explorer. Exploring ponies isn't by any means a bad thing, just like artists and gamer ponies, just seems a tad overused. Though Celestia knows there's tons of land to cover in the land of Equestria! But, as Indiana Jones can tell you sometimes the job asks for you to spend weeks locked in your house with endless paperwork! Quite a faithful representation of a scholar I'd say. He's not just the smartest smart guy around, no, he's had to work at it! Shut himself off and maybe shoot himself in the hoof socially ala Twilight! College will do that! Almost makes up for the faults I can find!   ...almost.

 

  "Being fostered by the zebras, he was never able to meet his true parents. From what he was told, they were both Pegasi who, for reasons unknown, wanted to keep their child safe from whatever they were fleeing - his mother was gone just a few days after Helios was conceived."

...

Wow... *rests his head in his front limbs*  I'm sorry...I'm going to have to do this... *points upward*         *DING!*

  Sigh... Just so much to cover.

   No mention of the parents at all. Nor even what they were fleeing from, or any reason. They just up and chucked their baby by the roadside to foist him on whatever might come along. I dunno, maybe I'll come up with my own term for it...Let's call it Mosesing. First there's the concern that, no, this isn't a better option for the baby. Leaving it unattended in the wild like that will likely only mean some wild animal comes across it first and makes a quick snack of the kid. Unless, I guess its possible that the couple stayed with the tribe for a while, gave birth, THEN disappeared. But still, abandoning a newborn is paramount to death. Even in the most famous cases where its saving them from a perceived greater danger such as not letting the pursuers not know his whereabouts... no, no its still putting the kid into danger. It only enforces the idea that the parents just didn't care one Iota about the welfare of there offspring!

   But that's not the worst thing about Mosesing. Usually, and always, the story picks back up with the child as a grown up and the main character. Which makes the scenes with the parents not only a transparent plea for drama, but... say it with me now... completely useless. After all, the kid knows nothing about them, only the audience/reader knows them so only the audience can care & it then becomes moot to the story from that point on. Effectively, this means killing off two other lives, just because no one wanted to put effort into building minor side characters.

  Which is okay really, in the long run of things. Take the parents of our mains in MLP. They show up so rarely & are so inconsequential that they might as well be dead, but at least that offers a bit of room for an audiences mind to wander. With Mosesing, you just murdered two characters.

   Now, I suppose any good, long story can wind back around & explain the parents' absence. But you can't really do that with a character alone. Batman lost his parents, sure. They come back to that fact often, have stories around it. But its not a constant threat to his present day life. Because he did actually know them, its an open wound that villains later on down his life can use as a trump card in specific situations & motives. Unless the story is making a point to focus on the dead parents too, its still just a lived chapter that's already past.

    Really though, I suppose if you had to have him come from a zebra tribe, there's no harm in making him part zebra. Think its decently likely there might be some pegasus mare that's native to, uh, Africa that fell in love with a zebra. Heck, as screwball as genetics can be, his zebra heritage could barely even show up physically on him! There's still white people down in Africa, settlers & whatnot....right? I've never been...

   That, and a Zebrasus would be so cool.

 

   ...Wait. Why is he even part of a zebra tribe? Since he's a very cerebral sort & very Canterlot type it seems his time spent living with his tribe has in no way effected his personality or life in the slightest. Well... I suppose it could explain his interest in history.

    If anything, think his tribal childhood would run counter to his current life! Considering how hard it is for Rarity to fit into Canterlot elite, I imagine a tribal background would kind of be a black mark for any high society association to consider. Heck, the only institution we do know of in Canterlot is called Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. Which kind of implies an air around Canterlot of having to not only know somepony, but that you have to be pretty much requested to be there by somepony else. Not to mention that Helios isn't even a unicorn!

   At that, his tribal background seems to clash with his personality too. As all we know of it is that it was tribal, which would imply hunting down your own food & living off the land, right? Kind of seems to be too harsh an environment to grow up calm, collected, intelligent or the type to get into scholarly debates or lock themself into libraries for research purposes.

 

  I also find disappointing that he got a job as a guard only on account of his brawn. It is the Royal Guard after all, they have golden chestplates for a reason. Much like any military force, you need to be able to take orders, to know how to operate weaponry, all the proper paperwork & responsibility that comes with the job. My brother-in-law is an Air Force Feller and he had to go into years of training for it, heck, still is as far as he knows if he wants to keep moving up the ranks. Takes more than just brawn to be a member of a force that is apparently so regimented, organized & symbolic.

 

   Kind of hate to say it, since its quite a huge chunk, but almost all of the backstory is completely negateable. Do love the slight mention of a quick romantic entanglement in his past though during his guard days.

 

   Yick... Quite alot of negative things there. I'll add a few more positives, eh what?

 Like the name, as it doesn't directly reference anything, it sounds like a more average stallion name. It's not like he controls the heavens or another writer or anything.

   The actual design of the character, I do fully adore! Kind of hard for me to imagine a short hairstyle on a pony, but you kind of have to for a male. Think you worked that out rather well! Man... those sideburns are absolutely kick-flank! We need more Sideburn Stallions!

   Think golden eyes on grey is half the reason we adore Muffins as much as we do! Just absolutely pops! Like lightening on a cloudy day! Heck, think grey might officially be my favorite type of pony coat color!

  The cutie mark seems just basic enough to be something he could run into another pony having. And that's not a bad point either! In a land of buttmarks, eventually some ponies will have either the same destiny or , to a lesser degree, the same symbol. That only makes the character seem alot more realistic and normal in my opinion.   ...huh, now that I think of it, I don't really have any experience myself in making cutie marks for my OCs. Since most of them tend not to be born with them.

   The tribal mark...eh, I'm not a fan of, but its an accessory. Not unlike earrings or jewelry it doesn't really take anything away.

  For the design itself, I have almost no qualms at all! Which is kind of rare for me, I'd have to say!

 

   All in all, the character itself I find pretty much impeccable! The backstory... is kind of a huge divot in golf course lawn.

I'd like to hear if there's a story behind the zebra tribe or what plans you may have to tie them all together! Oh, and Likes/Dislikes work well if you can put them into more like sentences rather then just rattling off a list. Hey, but Drizzle, that's just my opinion!

 

  A Laaame Opinion!      (Like...Game Theory reference...that I'm...*cough*)

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@@Widdershins

 

Yeah, I totally see where you're coming from. As it stands, his backstory really doesn't make a whole lot of sense... I did have a lot of ideas in my head while I was writing it; about the story behind the tribe, the whole deal with his parents and how he became used to the lifestyle in Canterlot coming from a zebra family. But I guess I just kinda rushed it and it came out lacking substance. I might have imagined that I would develop him further after I used him enough in roleplays, like I usually do with most of my characters. I just need to eventually go back to the drawing board and put some meat on those bones. Modesty aside, I can still see a whole lot of potential in Helios, and I wouldn't like to see it go to waste.

 

Thanks a lot, though! As I had mentioned before, not only is it a helpful review, but also a fun read. c:

 

Oh, and about the project involving the three of them... To be honest, I still have literally no idea of what story I want to make of it. All I have right now are scrapped ideas, most of them involving post-apocalyptic, survival-like scenarios, which then again, would be more like a spin-off fanfic rather than a canon piece to tie their backstories together. But I'll see to that eventually~

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   @@Driz,

   Just like Helios before her, Lory is just as much of an entertaining read! Though, fair warning here, I may be a TAD bias here as I do have a soft spot for both redheads & the street tough type!

    A roughie that's spent most of her life fending for herself out on the mean streets almost seems like a cliche. Not a bad one as I can't really balk much here as I have not one but two mares cut from the same oilcloth, heh! It stands to reason one would be defensive & short tempered & because of that it does make the character alot more relatable.

   "Riff-raff, street rat, I don't...buy that. If only, they looked clos-er. Would they see a poor mare? No siree. They'd find out there's so much more..."

 

   Love her personality, a bit fiery some might say!

"Even though Lory isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, she’s very intuitive nevertheless. Her gut feeling is rarely incorrect as she can often notice minimal, important details: most of the times by accident, and unknowingly to herself. She speaks her mind and hardly ever bottles up her emotions. She also enjoys abusing her magical abilities to prank and tease those around her."

   Ohmigursh! It's the mare form of Shawn Spencer from Psych! Hah! I'm almost inclined to say that is strong enough to be her special talent instead of the voice magic, but as its not brought up again it seems more of just a trait than an ability.

 

   A rather mature take on the joining a gang bit. Too easily movies can just make joining a gang something their protagonist is forced into or some dramatic pursuit of vengeance & a plea for sympathy, but that's not how things tend to roll in a real life. Sometimes your just a dumb, hotheaded teen who makes bad choices because it beat having to deal with coming home. Though.... "her parents, needless to say, became ill-concerned." I... don't know what that phrase means. I tried looking that last word up and I got definitions for the word "concerned", stuff about the state of Illinois ... and alot of Trump bashing. Hey, its the internet! I'm assuming you mean her parents pretty much just ignored her? While that sounds unlikely, it still does happen and explains alot about how she prefers hanging out with a bad crowd as opposed to sticking around home. 

   Oh. And one more thing. Don't ever say "needless to say." If it was needless to say, then ya wouldn't need saying it then, would ya? That's such an asinine author-y thing to say, and trust me, I have alot of practice being asinine!

 

    Her voice tweaking does seem a bit left field, not really having to do with any reoccurring trends in her personality,(can we really use that word when we're talkin' pony? Ponitality? No, that seems more like death by avalanche of small horses.) backstory or habits. But it does seem like something she'd just practice in her off time as a hobby till it became good enough to bring up once she started a band. Also... after all... it IS magic... we don't have to explain it!

 

   I do like that bit about what happened to the band. Like her history is also partially her own fault too for being a bit spiky & short-tempered when it comes to dealing with others. Gang past, eh? Though that last line of the backstory does bother me quite a bit.

    "She spends most of her time travelling around Equestria, however, since she finds that it helps with forgetting the bad memories from her hometown."

  I hear that...like, alot with OCs. How can she both have a house settled in a specific town, yet still take enough trips around the nation for it to count as "most of her time?" If your taking enough trips to be gone for the better part of each month how are you keeping up an apartment in town too? Traveling is expensive! Especially considering how her only job was part of a band that fell apart, I find it hard to grasp how traveling that much wouldn't result in you being basically a vagabond or backpacker! I suppose just walking everywhere provision-less is easy for a pony, so long as there's some grass or bushes by the side of the road to snack on.

 

   But now, on to what this thread is here for: Aesthetics! Lory is almost the reverse of what my case was with Helios. Her backstory is pretty well fine, but her actual appearence I find a bit... questionable. Firstly...I'll...ah, just be blunt about it.  I...Doooon't liiiike Graaaadients.

    I see that, like, an awful lot in pony OCs. It hardly ever looks all that natural. It hardly offends me so much like the stripes of a certain Rainbow Clash but that really doesn't look quite well. Now, I can see the ends of a long hairstyle getting a bit more faded the further away from the head it goes, and I will admit one really can dye stripes of color into ones hair, but it seems like a lot of pony OC designers seem to forget that hair is not a solid mass. It's more of a bushel of strands and as such, that colored part will blend in a bit with the different strands around it and be more vague of a line between colors. That's why when you do happen to see some with highlights like that, its usually extremely cut short. Like Twilight's mane could hold that stripe, but certainly not her more broom-like tail. Tartarus sauce, I feel faint just imagining the hideous blur of color that would result if you mussed up RD's mane!

 

     Lory's mane I'm almost fine with, I wouldn't mind if it stays that way, but I feel it'd look a bit better as a solid color throughout.  At the last footsworth of her mane it almost suddenly decides to turn yellow instead of red. I do like the kind of ember-y look your going for but the color changes a bit too fast to look natural. The tail kind of fairs worse since it kind of seems to grow in reverse. I can get the end of the strands fading, but then so too should the hair in the tail. It's almost as if her blond roots are showing. Wait... is it impolite to point out if a mare's roots are showing? HAY RARITY!!...

 

   The coat color is... a bit...off. That's almost a flesh color isn't it? I do like the pink with red motif that kind of almost gives a sense of being monochromatic and I do like a more solid coloration for a pony. But maybe it'd be advisable to fiddle a bit with the tint on her coat, or maybe a bit darker? Almost gives me the impression that you took a human and just shoved & pulled its bits around like clay until you got a ponyshape! That... and... I dunno if you want to go with a flesh-colored unicorn horn...

 

   One of the best cutie marks I've seen, I do have to say! It's actually Bi-color! That's rare by even canonical standards! Actually does look like a symbol & less like a butt sticker! Points there, I must say!

 

   Oh wow, and just noticed too. She has red eyes. Kind of pulling a Rainbow Dash there! It's a very hard thing to pull off red eyes and not make your character look demonic or bloodthirsty or at the very least, not have the eyes immediately drawn to them. Tartarus, if I'm only noticing them now & you've pulled off subduing something that poignant then you've got some serious artistry chops there!

 

  Oh, and one other thing. Whaaat the HhhhhhhhALIBUT, happened to her back legs? After the... whattaya call that little bump on the back of a pony's legs? The weird dip where the legs bend back inwards? I dunno, lackofabetterword, we'll call it a fetlock. After the fetlock, the leg gets so darn thin its about the circumference of a penny! Poor gal gonna snap her legs off! That would be hilarious! Hilariously cruel!

   Now that I look back, Helios kinda seems a bit thin back there too, but a bit better off considering his muscular stallions frame. I don't get that, not even real horses seem to have some weird sort of right angle crook to their legs like that, so why do we draw ponies like that? One of you readers get back to me on that! I need it for my own practice & I expect a full report on my desk by Friday!!

      ...and also some pictures of Spider-Mare!!

 

 

   P.S. I can't be the only chap who blushes a bit when Vi does them little combat grunts, right? ...that might be the reason they coded that into the game. Hee...

Gotta love a girl that can butcher a pun that badly!

 

   

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@@Widdershins

 

I literally just instinctively opened a notepad here and started writing down the stuff I need to change/improve while reading your review... That's become a habit of mine about now.  :orly:

 

Thanks again, friend! I already managed to improve a bit of Helios' character page from your opinions, and I'll get to editing of Lory's soon, too. I'll also make sure to make some five or six more OC's and ask you to critique them as well.

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@@Glacies Frost,

   

                       Ooh, that's one cute stallion! Just look at that sassy little smile he has! Who wouldn't wanna thaw that Glacier!

"His horn is a bit on the longer side, and comes to a point."

                      ...MWA! Goodnight Everybuddy!!

 

     Sigh. But really now.

               Glacies is a really exemplary character. Both for good & for ill. His biggest fault is also kind of his biggest strength. Glacies is rather admittedly.... kind of... Bland. But this is how you DO bland! You tell a story with it! It's not just a series of black & white: he likes this, this is what he does about it. No, you give how it effects him, no matter how small. You give a reaction & emotion behind it. Not just a list of likes & dislikes!           ........

       Oh. Hay looook guys....it seems over on Equestrian World rp there's specific sections for listing likes & dislikes... *twitch*  that's just nifty.

  Sigh, well, never said my stance on that was an end-all.  Heck, even in the comments section when some mod comes along to point out that a like wasn't brought up before, that beggars the question of why we even have a like-list anyway! Feh... but back to the horse at hand!

     Have to say, I don't really like striped pony manes but you work it quite well Glacies. They're close enough in shade that it almost looks natural. Heck, in real life my family seems to have an inherited trait of part of the hair getting bleached in the sun a bit more to a more golden tint then the usual blond/brown. I'm hard pressed to say which part of his hair is turquoise & which is sapphire as both kind of strike me as lighter than that darker stripe.

   "His eyes are a slightly lighter shade of blue than his hair."          Nah... can't really say I see that though. Unless you really squint at it, his eyes almost seem to match that darker stripe.

      Hmm, that's rather unbearably adorable how he's a bit of a slighter stallion. But then again, that almost seems a trope that unicorn stallions are a bit more feminine then most male ponies. We so rarely see any bulky unicorns, do we? There's Prince Blueblood, but he's kind of a pansy in his own right too.

   But so far, there's nothing I want you to change! The cutie mark however... Hmm, there's a bit of a limit to how detailed you ought to get with a buttmark and snowflakes are one of the most naturally elaborate things out there. Still, if we can cut paper dolls of them, you ought be fine there. No, what my issue with is that that is one massive book to paste on his rump! I can only imagine that dominating the majority of his flank as it seems to go down to where his... knee? Well, where that back-kick to the leg begins on a pony, where the fetlock begins I suppose. Why, you'd need a particularly thick flank to support a cutie mark that big!!

     *ahem..* Though I do have to say, I adore that he seems to have a thicker coat than usual. Too often ponies in the show can come off as almost rubbery, not unlike a certain bubblegum horse we all know & adore. Which is odd considering how she is also undeniably the fluffiest pony out there!

 

        I just have to ask about the name though, too. Frost I'm fine with, even if it sounds almost like a British cinematic villain. But I'm not sure I could even pronounce Glacies. Gluh-zhee-us? Guh-Lah-See-uhz? Glassies? Glacious? Galacticus? Help a guy out here!

 

   So we move onto personality! First off, before I get to anything else. Don't ever compare yourself to Discord. I mean, I can do it because I'M a draconniquiz, but I'm also mad so I wouldn't suggest it. Discord may be "reformed" but he still has a massive personality defect that makes it clear that while he's trying to be a villain, he still will go out of his way to antagonize. Sitting down to dinner with him will undoubtedly wind up with scalding hot gravy thrown in your face. One could say he's rather predictable in his unpredictableness. But I digress!

    Point is, Discord's sense of humor is rather his own. Unless you're tossing your friends face-first into brick walls so that you can make brick puns, any change you make to have that fit you, just becomes your own sense. That, and I'm rather lost as to what you mean by "Novelty". Though that is a key word to his personality, so whatever it does mean, some writing kudos to you!

    A lot of Glacies seems to be stuff that any being would have & deal with. None of it, by itself, anything particularly noteworthy of a character. Just none of it in quite the same well-described order as it comes into play with this fluffy lil' stallion. He's quite incredibly well balanced. If anyone wanted an example of an OC balanced out, this would be the picture you showed them! Almost to a fault too. It's quite readily apparent that its a ponysona. It has that kind of undercurrent of self-introspection that one only gets after you've spent an awful lot of time thinking about it. That's certainly not bad by any means, just that wouldn't sell as a comic book hero or television character. Though that being said, if you made a series outta him, I'd totally keep up!

 

    Hmm, I'd like an example of that trivia that the OC seems centered around. I'm having fun wondering how one brings that up without bluntly beating others over the head with factoids. You know, something I do often with my own OCs & something I feel gets across their character rather well, is some of their often used quotes. I'm not saying you have to of course, but since you lean towards trivia-centric speech supposedly, I'm left pondering!

 

"He doesn't seem to smile very often..."  Yeh, but when he does, its an absolute smolder! Doesn't show emotion well & frequently in a bad mood? Well, don't you worry about that! I hear the mares flock to a broodin' feller!

 

   I do like how you're one of few who classify as an introvert without being one to actively flee or panic like Fluttershy or...uh, certain repeating character types I may be well acquainted with...

 

   I see he likes snow cones, and presumably ice cream to boot. You mention that later in his magic list too, that he uses almost pony-sized masses of ice to make his treats, but that'd make for some rather unweildly large scoops, wouldn't it? ...not that I'm against that!

 

    Not too many qualms about the backstory. Though, while I can see the classes of Pyromancy & Cryomancy nullifying each other from the standpoint of ignition, I can't see his ice-casting canceling out all other magic schools like simple levitation. In the show, it kind of almost seems that restricted magic use is almost a norm, that even the most talentless of unicorns can still involuntarily levitate things to ease fetching objects.  But nature centered magic is a topic I've spent time pondering before with another Warcraft OC I had. If you see it nullify your efforts in one field, you may vary well not even bother learning anything else.

 

    Considering how he already seems pretty similar to Twilight, soon as you mentioned her I immediately got my hackles raised and thought you were treading thin ice there! But you did handle it pretty well, after all we can probably expect tales of her to have spread like gossip across Equestria. Also does date him pretty well too, a little bit younger then the protagonists I'd hazzard seeing as he's only getting out of school during the midst of their adventures.

 

    That last paragraph kind of caught me off guard there. Suddenly switches from third-person narrative to first-person dialog narrative. All we kind of get from it is "Hey, maybe I'll head to Ponyville" & that he appearently also likes Hearth's Warming. Which... granted, would work well lumped into a Like-List.

 

  As for his magics list, I think you're pretty spot on too. I doubt that ice can be formed from an almost laser like beam of energy since I'm under the impression that energy=fire element, but then again there's the Pokemon move Ice Beam which pretty much is that exactly. Especially considering that cold is more the absence of heat rather than a force unto itself. I can see blocks of ice forming out of seemingly nothing as one tends to see in movies & that fits Glacies quite well as he does seem almost like an ice-bender of sorts.

 

 Huh. Magic lending. Well, "mind-sharing"I'm curious about, but lending channeling aid?That sounds almost so basic & necessary to magic that it sounds a must!

That makes almost too much sense!                    ...hey, would you...stop...stop tha-

That makes almost too much sense!                    ...hey, would you...stop...stop tha-

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(edited)

Oh, the name. It's pronounced "Glay-see-us," in my head, so that's what I go with. You have some points on the personality, but the EQE section did say to make the character believable. I believe in giving my characters inherent flaws and perhaps not letting them stand out all by themselves. I want their stories to speak for themselves, not their outlandishness. As for his humor. He merely says his humor is like that. As he's never met Discord, he wouldn't know for sure. As far as his love of "novelty," it means that he values unique and new experiences.

 

I switched to the narrative perspective where he spoke in the last paragraph on purpose, actually. I know it was jarring, and that was the intent. It was to shock the reader into paying attention to that specific area a bit more carefully. 

 

Oh, going back to his age, I actually picture him as just a couple of years older than Twilight, where he would have graduated a couple of years before she left for Ponyville. As an upper classman and natural shut-in, he'd never met her, however. 

 

Finally, to address the telekinesis thing. It probably didn't quite come off right. It was intended that his irritation and annoyance triggered his latent ice magic, and it "colored" his telekinesis enough to freeze over what he was holding. It was unintentional and served merely to have him realize his special talent.

 

EDIT: Oh yeah! I meant to talk about the hair. I actually drew on Twilight Sparkle's mane colors as inspiration. Hers is a darker purple with a lighter purple/lavender/fuschia streak. Glacies's is similar, sapphire blue with turquoise highlights.

Edited by Glacies Frost

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EDIT: Oh yeah! I meant to talk about the hair. I actually drew on Twilight Sparkle's mane colors as inspiration. Hers is a darker purple with a lighter purple/lavender/fuschia streak. Glacies's is similar, sapphire blue with turquoise highlights.

   ...Wait, so he's basically a cuter, fluffier, male Twilight?...  I'm okay with this. And I'm not okay with that.

 

   Don't rightfully get why you'd want the emphasis on that last paragraph. Just that he's going to Ponyville & he likes Hearth's Warming. Unless you're aiming for a specific role-play, I suppose. I've kind of always figured that every OC & pony eventually winds up in Ponyville. It's like the Pony Rome!

 

  Kinda just assumed when I read that that he just grabbed it with his hoof. Don't get why a sudden, if violently different, emotional state would suddenly make magic powers manifest or become stronger. That almost seems a horror movie cliche, like, uh... I dunno, Carrie? Never watched it.

Pig blood makes me sad.

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   ...Wait, so he's basically a cuter, fluffier, male Twilight?...  I'm okay with this. And I'm not okay with that.

 

   Don't rightfully get why you'd want the emphasis on that last paragraph. Just that he's going to Ponyville & he likes Hearth's Warming. Unless you're aiming for a specific role-play, I suppose. I've kind of always figured that every OC & pony eventually winds up in Ponyville. It's like the Pony Rome!

 

  Kinda just assumed when I read that that he just grabbed it with his hoof. Don't get why a sudden, if violently different, emotional state would suddenly make magic powers manifest or become stronger. That almost seems a horror movie cliche, like, uh... I dunno, Carrie? Never watched it.

Pig blood makes me sad.

 

Not sure I'd call him a male Twilight. He does have similarities with her, in terms of his mane's design, but his personality is actually heavily based on my own.

 

As for his magic being activated by his emotions. Yeah, I'll flat out admit that it's a cliche. However, it's one that works. Since he was already using magic to manipulate something, his irritation merely opened the gate for his ice magic to slip through for the first time.

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   Alright then, for today's installment we have an entry from Handsome Changeling of his self-professed "bad" OC of King Void! ...or as the page itself refers to him as King OF THE Void...                                   ...whelp, that already bodes ill!

    I can tell H.C that your still a bit in construction over there, so I'll likely come back later to cover the backstory when you have at it. As for now, I'll get to what I can get to, eh what?

 

   As far as appearance goes, think you did rather well. I can't say I'm well acquainted with changeling biology enough to know if larger horns is a queen only thing or what, but as Void is basically a high ranking general or such it does stand to reason he'd be just as equally imposing & regal in stature and form. Did a good job basing his form in that sentiment without clearly deriving it from Chrysalis. It's not said that he outright leads a hive, but he almost effectively does. The horn doesn't seem to match what the description states, but I kind of like it better that way. While Chrysalis's horn looks more like its warped the way it is due to having as many holes as her legs, Void's looks more smooth, crooked & twisted. Sort of like a spiral-grown branch.

     Also, pink-themed villian. Major kudos for successfully making Magenta intimidating! You mention that his "rear-shell" matches his armor color, but as that almost fully encapsulates him into an almost pill-like shape, its rather impossible to tell that. Which is a pity, because I'm quite curious now as to how a partially-pink carapace would look like.

     Uhh, also... how do you "style" back spines? They're supposed to be ridged, right? I know Spike can do that, but thought that was only for comedic effect! Always thought, and it seems that way with Chrysalis's drones, that the typical pony's mane/tail was replaced with semi-transparent fins. Those would be just thin and manageable enough to style, but back-of-the-head crown of black thorns like that? Kinda looks a bit off from what I'm used to seeing.

    As for his disguised form, a red stripe in grey like that clashes pretty fiercely, but worked like that fits his character quite well. Don't... get why his disguise would lack something as obvious as some false, tacked-on cutie mark. Sure, it may not be his priority to come up with one, but as a minor leading villain think he would have enough power or foresight to add one to at least avoid detection.

 

   Onto the personality now!

      Think you've gotten the idea of a minor villain across pretty well. He's not the ultimate big-bad, nor should he be. He's not the one to call the war on the local pony populace, but he sure as Tartarus is going to be striding though the burning rubble & cuffing the grunts into line. Stopping him may not stop the war, but he does need to be dealt with!

   Prone to anger but a critical, militaristic mindset does seem befitting his tyrannical rank, but later on you mention how he also gives speeches to "improve morale and loyalty to him." Doesn't seem like something he would care to do if he isn't above just simply offing those who disobey his orders.

 

    All in all, a pretty good interpretation of villainy. Think he works alot better with the rage-monster bit toned down from before. Still seems like the minor boss role from an RPG, but that's not a bad thing. Being the great big end-the-world supervillain isn't too far off from being a mary-sue. King Void is pretty good the way he is now...   even if he does beg for a protagonist to oppose him!

   

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@@Widdershins,

Honestly, I genuinely am pleased with your review there, King of the Void is supposed to be such as a minor villain not some big bad beast of the Changelings he just befits the role of a leader whose almost manipulating his own Hive to his own gain, hence the speeches and such which most likely will manipulate his own or even twist their arm or impose a personal view of his upon them. the horn, yes the art doesn't match it and that genuinely is an issue, but it is supposed to be more crooked to match his nature in a way? That is what I aimed for. To be honest, he has always been my most used... Least worked on OC? That is the best way to put it. Cheers Widdershins for this, genuinely helps me build up on his Backstory knowing he isn't that bad of a foundation to build upon ^^ 

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@Widdershins

I bring forth another character to the slaughter! :love:

This was basically my first attempt at having a character accompanied by a familiar pet of some sorts. In that sense, I'd say she's more geared towards things like combat, action-y stuff when compared to my previous OC's, and I really like that about her. I had a fair share of trouble figuring out her color scheme and what blended well together - especially regarding her eyes. On another note, I have way more fun than I should calling her a "pony with a ponytail"... Guess I'm just easily amused like that.

In any case, have at it! She's all yours to critique~

Oh, and in light of how the character database is still a tad bit wonky with formatting, here's a few more images that aren't showing up on her character page, under this spoiler tab:

Spoiler

 

5930bffeba746_mr.spikes.png.da893ae9faaa88e3e89938d4a596a608.png  5930bfe00b243_waverockycomparison.thumb.png.55691f7d12a0a0a801583b17d8d8481c.png

*Mr Rocky's physical appearance and height in comparison to Wave Pawn.

 

 

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   @driz

    "Oh, neat! A pet dynamic! That's kind of tricky to do, but cute! Let's see..."

 *clicks drop-down bar*        ...      Oh... it's... a... psychic doll.... Neeeeeeat~*

 Why that ain't incredibly creepy at aaaall!

  Well, now, I've got a dollform OC myself so I can't complain. I suppose that's a corner I've painted myself into; with as many OCs as I have, pretty much any criticism I can come up with will be hypocritical one way or another! Hah!

  But I tell you what. You know what's the first thing that springs to mind when  you bring up "psychically remote-operated stuffed toy?" That old Pokemon episode with Sabrina. Where our heros were shrunken down, put into a huge town diorama and then hunted and toyed with by the mental projection of Sabrina's two-foot tall, but giant to them, porcelain doll and its ominous bouncing ball. I have nothing against dolls, but there's something terrifying about being completely at the whims of a psychic with glowing eyes. Ah, Nineties kids' cartoons! What irreparable, yet welcome damage you did wreck on our psyches! And yes, I do have a crush on Sabrina.

   But to your character! There is almost nothing at all to your OC to play into this shtick. And that's quite remarkable too! There's something to be said about not themeing every little thing about a character around one premise! You could just as easily have made her the creepy, gloomy gus of a goth this trope often is, but no, she's just as chipper, even tom-boyish, as any other mare. It's just one quality of her! Now I like it just as much when creators do do that, but with a disconnect between concept & appearance it really does make her seem notably more realistic.

  But... then again, that statement does extend to her cutie mark as well. I have no idea how that exemplifies psychically controlling items. Though you did get as close as you could for such a vague... admittedly highbrow concept such as that. Other than the more indirect, metaphorical idea of a 'pawn' with the eye behind it signifying control... it does seem a bit vague, but then again, the best cutie marks should be. No, think what bothers me about it is that it sticks out a tad too much. Too... symbol-y. Like I half expect that to be on some superhero's chest.  I think Wave Pawn might be a Purple Lantern!

  Then, there's the name. I don't get how Wave Pawn connects at all. Like... a PsyWave? As the concept of a pawn already is pretty tangentially related it sounds at first impressions to just be two random words put together. Like, if anything her name strikes me as more oceanic.

   She's seperated from her concept, which is a new & novel idea, but perhaps she's just a hair to far from it.

  Oh, and before I get much further from it...

  THAS' nawt ah ponytail!    *reaches off screen and comes back with an Applejack doll*  THIS! Is a ponytail!

   Ponytailed Pony Tail needs more Ponytail!    ...an' no, we're not just sayin' that because we gotta huge thing for ponytails! Hhee-hee-hee!

 

    Her personality & backstory are pretty fine. Quite normal & maybe not all too much to stand out, but we really do need more 'normal.' I may be tipping the scales a bit too far off the Crazy End myself!

   Nooo, what I think might be my biggest bone of contention with this character/concept... Is... by giving sentience to the doll and using it only temporarily for combat or as a tool, then stopping with the controlling psychic power... aren't you effectively, habitually creating & destroying the same life over & over? J-just.... M-.... Moral Implications there... Like, I feel Mr.Rocky... might... not... appreciate that very much...

   Now, calling it alive is debatable. Clearly it's not going to grow or need to eat or breathe. A mere construct that, presumably, Wave Pawn sort of just toggles his On/Off switch with. But if he can make his own decisions in battle then does that imply that he is sentient enough to be aware that he's being turned "off?" I suppose one could say her magic is more or less like a much more potent & versatile form of kinesis. Like, it's not quite something only she can do because its her super-special talent (something I feel many fall victim to) and perhaps some more learned pony like Twilight could figure it out and copy it, but it is her discovery & what she's known for. Not magic in general as she's only somewhat decent in other magics and typically more priestly, healing matters.

  Heh, see what you did there. Matched her eye colors to her cutie mark eye color! She certainly is a cutie though! Nothing wrong or anything I'd suggest changing for. I wouldn't say she strikes me as all to combat-y. Her hobby of utilizing her toy certainly lends to it, but she doesn't seem the sort to seek out somebeing to beat up or anything.

   Needs more ponytail though.

 

 

   And on an unrelated note as of late. Anyone else notice that every character now seems to start with a loud proclamation of:

THIS. THING.

Almost insulting. Makes me want to create a character called This Thing.

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(edited)

@Widdershins

Awesome! :D

Yeah, I can say that I wasn't fully satisfied with her name as well. Now that I think about it, I can't quite remember how I came to settle on "Wave Pawn" in the end. Was proably just the simple answer of putting together "psychic waves" to represent her talent in psychokinesis and a pawn chess piece to represent that she can, uh... control stuff good... A stuff. A single stuff, for that matter.

And then I tried matching her cutie mark to the name somehow. The purple eye is kind of like her "third eye" (hence they have the same color) and the pawn was just slapped in there along with it... To be honest, I think that what weirds me out the most about how the buttmark ended up looking is that I made the chess piece transparent... Might be just me, but I feel like that transparency kinda really shouts as something out of place. Overall, I do agree that it stands out too much... I ought to change both in the future; her name and her CM.

As far as how her controlling of Mr. Rocky works... hmm... I kinda left it vague on purpose. :toldya:

I do have plans to add something along the lines of a "secret" backstory to explain how exactly that works in the future, either in an RP or in a fanfic. But I still gotta think of how (and if) I'm gonna get to that point. Basically, what I can say for now is... it works more like an On/Off switch rather than straight up giving it life and then taking it back. Mr. Rocky is technically 24/7 aware of what's going on around him, even while deactivated, but Wave can trigger him to wake up and actually be able to fight, move around and stuff. He sorta just "goes back to sleep" after that... I guess I picture it working more similarly to a Pokémon being able to battle when out of the Pokéball, and resting/recovering energy when back inside, only without a proper ball. Nothing painful; no playing God there at all~

Additionally, there's a specific reason why only Wave, exclusively, can do that to her own stuffed animal, exclusively. She can't control other dolls, and other unicorns can't control Mr. Rocky - at least not in the same way... Then again, those are only thrown ideas for now, yet to be on paper.

Anyway, thank you so much again for reviewing THIS THING. I sincerely appreciate the time you've given to help me improve and as always, not only was it incredibly helpful, but also very fun! c:

Edited by driz
grammar goof

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