Jump to content
Banner by ~ Ice Princess Silky

Princess and the Knight


Glacies Frost

Recommended Posts

Click here to read the story on Google Docs.

 

Click here to read the story on FiMFiction

 

Hello. I would like to post here my very first fanfiction of MLP FiM. I would like to acquire the feedback and advice of anyone who is willing to give my story the once over just to give me some surface level thoughts on it. I will gladly reciprocate if asked for my opinion on your own story. Just PM me the link or post it here with your own thoughts and I'll be happy to return the favor.

 

To everyone, reader and critic alike, thank you for reading and I merely hope you enjoy the story I've written with the simple intention of filling in the holes left in the origin of the relationship between Cadance and Shining Armor. It's a headcanon, but I tried to make it believable and enjoyable as well.

 

The idea is basically a story told during a spa day of how Princess Cadance and Shining Armor ended up going out for the very first time. I always wondered about this and decided to see if I could make an enjoyable and believable story out of it.

Edited by GlaciesFrost
Link to comment
Share on other sites

    First off, let me bring up a few, only slightly related things before I move onto the story itself!

     Initially, let me praise you for taking on the romantic genre. While each genre has its faults, Romance is particularly known for falling on itself. You can't go into the romance section of a bookstore these days without 90% of the books having some half-naked male plastered across its cover and very, very clearly telegraphing that the point of this book is sex, not actual romance. Even then, its hard to make the interaction between your love interests ride that fine line between believablity & just enough drama to keep them apart without it seeming like they're just too dense to notice each others' affections. Which is something I think you work quite well, as any socialization it requires a certain testing of the waters between both parties to see where you both can meet. Stands to reason there would be a bit of awkwardness & misgivings as things move along!

   I read it on over on FiMfiction where you posted it and I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but it kind of bugs me how every story over there has four empty lines of space between every few sentences. Pads the length of the story & makes it feel a lot less book-like if you ask me. Dunno if that's just something they get shifted to in there.

  But, on to the story itself!

 

     In the synopsis before the story, you seem to put alot of focus into warning readers about the framing device. Sure, that sort of writing might chafe on some, but don't think you need to worry about it unhinging the flow of the story too much. Maybe its just my fertile imagination or that I've watched one too many animes about what a pack of girls get up to in a spa day, but HOO!  Me thinks some author may have an inclination towards a certain blue-black(Blurple, as I call it. Blurple Horse is best pone!) alicorn lady!

 

   Must say that you are quite good at characterization. You have what, six characters almost with varying amounts of time allotted and none feel like they've been booted aside to give more room to describe those you actually want to focus on. Take Spike for example, completely & utterly unneeded for this, but it stands to reason. Twilight WOULD be one to leave in a tizzy and Spike, being one to care for her, would have to hustle along behind her to see what was up. Once there, it becomes clear he's not needed, and leaves with a shrug and an off-the-claw comment that turns the conversation towards the reminiscence that starts the story. You turned a extraneous character into a catalyst, could have just as easily written him out entirely, but by giving more room for your characters to move you make them more realistic. Rather impressive stroke of writing, I daresay!

 

   One thing that did bother me though, is the focus on the comic books aspect. Its not done poorly by any means just...that it almost seems like the focus of the story is more on liking what you do like, despite what others think, rather then the actual romance between the two. We do after all need some sort of catalyst between the two in order to get them to interact; just seems a tad exaggerated for him to react the way he does. He DID get found out by the local princess, one he has a history with nonetheless, but it was on his free time after all. He's been training for a while it seems, so undoubtedly had to bring it up to the other stallions he works with anyhow, especially that comment that most keep them in their footlocker(...hooflocker?) but he has his own room, being a fresh captain and all.  There are others that still do & he's done so for a while now so it doesn't seem like it'd hit him so hard as to neglect his own training. And...do correct me if I'm wrong here, I don't have the experience of it, but him being a Fresh Captain would still mean he'd have some superior barging down his door the second he decides to skip ANY drills or practice! Shining IS an emotional sort though, I can see him snubbing or avoiding Cadence after all, but not to the point where it would interfere with his job & his calling.

   So too, you brought up a few times how both Cadence & Twily teased him about it in their earlier days. Several...times...really. And I do see that happening often, just doesn't seem like Twiddles to be ridiculing ANYpony for their reading habits, no matter how bad the subject might be. Later in the story she's caught off guard by the implication that it isn't usual to be reading up on spa habits, so even now when she's grown up it still seems she'd only tease her brother for that if she was just ignorantly hopping on the bandwagon of Cadence's teasing without knowing any of how it would affect her brother. A brother she idolizes to the point of singing songs about and coming up with annoying nickname/acronyms for.

   In all, the topic seems warranted, but perhaps a bit too much time spent on it. I wouldn't suggest changing much, because it might change the story a bit too much to do so, it just seems to make the story a bit rough.

 

    The request for a date seems to have come a bit at random considering they'd only made up seconds later. But I very clearly don't know the least bit of how to ask a gal out!!

 

    It...just ends with the two of them agreeing to go out on a date of sorts with each other? Their entire courtship consists of one misunderstanding over two days, making up, one night together, then after that its just implied they got married? Do you intend to add more to the story later on, because I imagine most destined couples spend more then just three days together...there still seems room here for them to...

  You've left me wanting for more. Smart move, My Good Stallion...Check...and mate.

 

   So, as to the story as a whole. It's quite endearing a tale! Perhaps not the most exciting or exemplary, but thoroughly entertaining! I must thank you whole-heartedly for the experience!

 

 

     ...Hmm, reciprocation you say, Dear Glacie? Well, if you ever have the free time, I do have a vast array of OCs I keep spewing all over the RP lists; been looking for a few comments on some of them. Feel free to check any of them out, I keep a growing list of them over on the bottom of my Profile.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

(edited)

Thank you very much for the critique. I do understand where your complain regarding the comics comes from. However, it is brought up in the episode where Spike reads his Power Ponies comic that Twilight does kind of roll her eyes at the prospect (if I remember correctly, as it's been a few months since I've seen the episode) of comics as a passtime. She's not as direct as she would have been in her youth, perhaps, but I feel she still doesn't 100% get the appeal, herself. As for the focus on the comics, primarily it was intended as a focusing point to get Cadance and Shining Armor to talk to each other, a chance for Shining Armor to... open up to someone. Him opening up to her and getting her to understand his view on comics as a whole was supposed to come off as him being endearing to her.

 

For the quickness with which he asked her out. Some, not all, but some relationships work out like this. She was the first filly to ever attempt to understand him, which in some aspect gave him the courage to take that gamble. It may not have come out as well as it could have, but that was the intention. Perhaps it was a bit rushed.

 

I should have changed how he was avoiding his higher ups by claiming illness, but that was a gross oversight on my part, one I may end up correcting, despite the story being complete. 

 

I agree on the formatting on FiMFiction. It was not my intention for those extra lines to be there, but it happened when I uploaded the GDoc to the site. I still don't quite know how to fix it. I'm still new there, after all. 

 

I'm glad you enjoyed the story, however, as I hoped it would prove to come off more or less like an episode about their relationship's backstory would have gone. I wanted it to be believable and entertaining.

 

Um, as far as the comment about Luna... I do have a bit of a crush on both her and Twilight, I won't lie.

 

I would like to ask, though, just based on what I've written. Do you think I got the personalities down well enough? I'd like to think I know them well enough at this point to attempt writing them, but I'm still unsure.

 

EDIT: As far as the aftermath, it is to be assumed they went out on a number of dates afterwards up until Shining Armor inevitably proposed (I'd say a little under a year).

Edited by GlaciesFrost
Link to comment
Share on other sites

   First off, just occurred to me. If your asking for critique too, think there's a "Asking for Critique" tab...button thing you can put on the thread too.

 

  I don't especially think you rushed the relationship between the two all that much. I did love how you brought up how they sort of went their separate ways for a bit, as there's some trepidation there too. For the most part, think it is only implied that Shining only met Cadence (Wait, isn't her first name Mi Amore?) back when she was babysitting Twilight. Hmm...aren't there actual comics about their high school days together?...

 

 

 

 

I'm glad you enjoyed the story, however, as I hoped it would prove to come off more or less like an episode about their relationship's backstory would have gone. I wanted it to be believable and entertaining.

  Well, I wouldn't recommend trying to sound like one of the show's episodes. Each has their own style & if you base your own efforts around something already existing, it will almost always sound a bit forced. Better to use what you have first, and see how close you can use what you have to get closer to the subject your leaning towards.

 

 

  AS far as personalities go, I think you do certainly have a bit of a talent there! Wrote Luna with that sort of stiff, haughty, elitist air to her that I like. Cadence & Armor might have been a bit stiff maybe, from what I remember, but I can't really judge since I don't have much of a personality type I can see them having to begin with. They were fine though! Twi & Spike were pretty spot-on too!

  Though, with Celestia, I feel you kind of only had one note to play with her. Sure, it did come across that she was the more good humored & thoughtful sister while not being one to trust when it comes to planning events. Though...she is the leader of the free world anyhow. But, hey! AS a rather fanatical fan of Cellie, I do sincerely doubt anybeing could ever add in enough Celestia to satiate me on that front! Hah!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Comics? I don't really read the supplementary material, so this is news to me. Glad someone thought to touch on it, though. The hole in the show has been bugging me for ages, regarding their relationship. I thought it best to have a hiatus between the foal sitting and them meeting again mostly due to the fact that Twilight had no idea they were dating, much less planning a wedding, when she left for Ponyville. This led me to the conclusion that the two were either really good at keeping secrets, Twilight was blind and deaf concerning her brother, or they got together around the same time Twilight left for Ponyville, maybe a little after. The latter conclusion seemed the most fitting.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Join the herd!

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...