critique wanted The Doctor and I (looking for feedback)

[Lunarpalette 2,175]

- [ ] This might not be the best fan fiction you will ever read, but I hope you enjoy anyways!

 

On a partly cloudy day outside of Ponyville, I walked by the stream for a decent spot to sit and sketch. I found a nice patch of miss under a tree and sat and reach to my satchel to get my sketch pad out. There was all of a sudden a strange noise on the other side of the tree I was sitting under. Something was appearing from nothing?! This was so strange and I stepped back a few hooves. Then there was in its place a large blue box. How peculiar! Then a stallion stepped out of the box and looked to observe his surroundings. One of the first things he saw was me and I looked straight into his emerald green eyes.

"Oh hello there! What might your name be?" He inquired of me. I stood there for a second like an idiot but then I shook my head.

"Um, my name is Lunarpalette! And you? I smiled sweetly, lifted a eyebrow slightly, and tilted my head a bit.

"My name is the Doctor. Nice to met you Lunarpalette. You know where I can get a treat around here? I've had a real craving for something sweet lately." He asked raising his hoof to his stomach.

" Sure! If you want I can take you to Surgarcube corner. It's the best place in town for an excellent treat!" I said putting my sketchbook away I got up and started towards Sugarcube Corner. He seemed nice enough so I wasn't worried about my safety, but I did need to know what that box is. "Um, Doctor? May I ask you what that blue box you stepped out of back there is? I've never seen anything like it and I'm kinda curious."

"The TARDIS? Yeah, it is a sight to behold if you are new to it. Her name, TARDIS, stands for Time-And-Relative-Dimension-In-Space. But you might understand that better as a time traveling spaceship." He explained. I just walked looking at him with my mouth agape. This was something that was wonderful to me.

"Your telling me you are from the feature?! Um, sorry, probably shouldn't say that to loud. That's amazing. Since you are not from here you probably don't have any money on you. I can take care of your treat in that case. Speaking of sugary goodness, here we are! Sugarcube Corner!" I announced pointing the shop out with my hoof.

 

That's the end of the first section! If you liked it give it a brohoof and leave a comment if you want it to continue! If there is any suggestions you may have as well they are more than welcome. See you next time ????

[Widdershins 9,955]

   Aye, I certainly do! Could do with a bit more spell checking & as it stands now as not much more than a simple meetup. Don't ever be afraid to go into as much detail as possible & take as much room & time as you need!

  I look forward to where this story will go! Keep at it!

[Lunarpalette 2,175]

   Aye, I certainly do! Could do with a bit more spell checking & as it stands now as not much more than a simple meetup. Don't ever be afraid to go into as much detail as possible & take as much room & time as you need!

  I look forward to where this story will go! Keep at it!

Thanks! I honestly was kind of waiting for some feed back. Now that I finally have one I will continue. Thanks so much for your comment!

[Lunarpalette 2,175]

Here is the next chapter of The Doctor and I! I hope you all enjoy

 

As we entered the shop, I see Mrs. Cake and greet her. "Hello Mrs. Cake. What do you have for sweets today?"

"Lunarpalette! It's so good to see you again. We have some carrot cupcakes for our special treat of the day. Be we also have a freshly baked set of red velvet cupcakes as well. What would you like dear?" Mrs. Cake asked. It was a tough decision so I turned to the Doctor to see what he thought was best.

"Doctor? What do you think? You think we should get a couple of each?" As I asked this he brought his hoof to his chin and look up in thought. After a couple of seconds he nodded his head.

"I think that would be a splendid idea actually. Two of each. Oh, and is it ok if I get a chocolate milk?" He respond, smiling as if begging. I have no idea why but this made me want to squee from how adorable it was. Not that I like him or anything, we just met.

"Yeah, in fact I think I will get some strawberry milk. So that will be two red velvet and two carrot cupcakes, one cup of chocolate milk, and one cup of strawberry milk. For here please." I informed Mrs. Cake.

"Alrighty! We will have that ready for you in a minute. You two take a seat and we will bring it out to you" she smiled as she went back to prepare our order.

The Doctor and I found a seat at a table for two by the window. The Doctor looked outside and around the bakery and said, "this place is quite colorful actually. Very pleasant. A nice change from my usual hustle and bustle." He said.

I thought of another question to ask him. "So Doctor, where are you from? I know probably from the feature, but what planet. Are you and alien?" I blushed and looked away from the embarrassment of asking too many questions.

"Well actually-" the doctor was interrupted by Mrs. Cake with out treats.

"And here are your treats! I have to ask is this here your stallionfriend Lunar?" She asked smiling.

I widened my eyes and said, "No no no no, we're just... friends?" I glanced at the Doctor.

He nodded. "Yes, this is true. And what a great friend she has been!" He winked at me.

"Well ok, if you say so. You two enjoy!" I paid her 20 bits before she turned away.

"Thanks so much. I hate being stuck in those kind of situations. It makes me so uncomfortable..." I confessed.

"Ah, that's ok. I've been in tighter situations than that so it was no problem. Now, I'm dying to taste these!" The Doctor said and he picked up his carrot cupcake and took a bite out of it. I saw as his eyes lit up and closed. He smiled as he chewed. Once he finished he said, "that is really good! I don't think I have been a fan of carrot cake much before, but now I think it is the best! I should definitely come here more often! These are great." And he continued to eat his cupcake.

I started with my red velvet. It was so delicious as always. I very carefully licked the creamcheese frosting half way down before I started eating it normally. I was so content in that moment that I didn't notice the Doctor looking at me until I started on licking my frosting from my second cup cake he was smiling. I looked at my glass of strawberry milk and blushed.

He noticed and snapped out of what seemed to be some sort of daze. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just was admiring how delicate you were being with your cupcake. I've never seen anyo- pony enjoy a treat like that before. But I'll stop being creepy." He began to sip on his chocolate milk.

I quickly added, "no you're fine, you just caught me off guard. And thanks. I guess I have never noticed though. I tend to like to enjoy the simple things in life though. Like a delicious cupcake or a glass of milk. Even bread. I think most ponies tend to forget how good simple bread really is. They tend to slather it with butters and jams, and even though that's good they never take the time to enjoy the bread itself. But that's just how I try to look at things." I take a few sips of my strawberry milk and start eating my carrot cupcake.

When we had finished and bid Mrs. Cake farewell, we headed back to his TARDIS. I had thought he would have thanked me and just leave but what he had said next had surprised me. "Lunarpalette, would you like to accompany me on my journeys? You have been so wonderful and I could really use a traveling companion. I understand if you have other obligations but I would like you to come with me."

I stood there stunned by what he had just offered me. A chance to travel the universe and time? Yes! The only thing that would keep me here is my costumers. But if it is true that this is a time machine, I could come back to about this time right? I shook out of my dazed thinking and said excitedly, "Yes yes yes! I would absolutely love to!" I said as I seemingly involuntary hugged him. As I realized what I did I backed up a bit. "Sorry, I just got excited..."

I noticed that he had a slight blush on his checks, but he answered saying, "quite alright! Now, into the TARDIS!" He smiled as big as he seemingly could.

 

I hope you all enjoyed this much longer update! See you all next time!

Edited March 6, 2017 by Lunarpalette

[Lunarpalette 2,175]

Author Update: Chapter 3 of "The Doctor and I". I wish I would get more feedback but I really enjoy doing this for you guys! I am also going to try and make a painting for each chapter from now on too. Hope you enjoy!

 

As he said 'into the TARDIS!' he opened the door allowing my to see the wonder within. "Oh my goodness! This is... so awesome! It's bigger on the inside! How is this possible though?" I stood with my mouth agape and then looked towards the Doctor.

"If you have the time I would love to explain!" He looked at me until I nodded and we stepped into the TARDIS. He closed the door behind and started leading me around while explaining. "You see, the world you live in is three dimensional, but for the TARDIS shes four dimensional. If you think of it as a grid, there is the x axis which is left and right. The y axis which is up and down. Then the z axis which is forwards and backwards. Now with the fourth dimension there is no specific axis but it allows you to stretch the x, y, z axis. Does that make sense to you at all?" He explained as we reached a comfortable looking room with several soft chairs.

"I guess it does a bit. This is incredible! I have never seen anything like this and I don't even think I could have come up with anything like this. So... you said this thing travels through time? I would love to see something from Equestrian history." I remarked.

"Sure! What even or time period?" The Doctor inquired.

"No time in particular. Just some point at least 100 years ago. I think that would be fantastic!" I said with enthusiasm. I was so excited for this.

"Before a hundred years ago it is! Come on, let's get back to the console room! That's where the magic happens." He exclaimed winking at me. I think I might have blushed but he didn't give any indication of it. We trotted back to the opening room and when he had put his hooves on the console board he said, "lets go to the past shall we? Délai de route!"

 

 

Sorry for the short chapter guys. But I will only write longer chapters if I see that people actually like this. Otherwise this will just be a waste of my time. Please comment on what you guys think!

[Caltrop 16]

Personally, I thought the first part was a little rushed, but as I read on I start to like more and more of what I see. Though, it would help if Lunar didn't freak out as much, but that's just my opinion..

I just have to say, there's going to be an "Awful Lot of Running" in later chapters, I can feel it, even Ananta can feel it.. 

Keep it going, and you know you could fix that Chameleon Circuit if you just try hot-wiring the fragment links and superseding the Binary... 

[Shadow Beam 1,179]

Hello @Lunarpalette

Understanding that you are looking for personal impressions of your work, which is yet to be concluded, I'll proceed by relocating it into AK Yearling's Writing Resources. Furthermore, the pertinent tag of 'Critique Wanted' will be added. I strongly recommend you to continue nurturing with the reviews of your work and posting it here once it has accomplished its final form.

Have a lovely day, and have fun pursuing improvement.