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critique wanted Backstory is "cleaned up", let us improve my OC more!


Pr0m4NV14

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(edited)

This is Mike, My original character. (I hate myself for using a template, but the result is slightly better than the old picture)

 

Mike McGuffin is your ordinary human adventurer. Armed with his trusty sword, "Jennifer", Mike has saved the world multiple times. However, during a brief Dimensional screw-up involving a toaster and around 13.6 Grammes of Plutonium,  Mike is sent to the land of Equestria. 

 

Mike woke up. He was lying on some sort of dirt path. Trying to get up, Mike lost balance for some inexplicable reason. Looking down, he noticed that he had hooves! "Oh, Crap*, this is going to be awfully inconvenient." After a short while, Mike was clumsily walking down the path. Jennifer was still at his side, and he knew he had to do one thing. Get back home...

 

*Am I allowed to use this word, or will the little kiddies get offended?

 

-Mike is rather overconfident, usually rushing in on things before giving it any real thought.

-Mike, not being native to Equestria, is not used to pony mannerisms, and still uses the Human equivalents of phrases. 

-Mike gets nervous around large crowds of people.

-Mike usually cares about people he knows are good, and will try to protect them. (If he can.)

-Mike is somewhat sarcastic, and enjoys jokes.

post-40713-0-58658800-1488765723_thumb.png

Edited by Pr0m4NV14
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Hello, @@Pr0m4NV14

Because this thread is asking for opinions regarding your pony OC's backstory, I have gone ahead and altered its title to give it that proper context.

 

Thank you.

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What dimensional screw up?

How did he find Jennifer?

What dangers of Equestria?

Does 'McGuffin' imply comedy and adventure or just adventure?

He finds out he has hooves, how does he react to finding out he has hooves?

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Well, it seems quite basic. How did he get into Equestria? What happened before? I personally am not a huge fan of humans into ponies, as that can be cliche,  but that's up to you.

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Does 'McGuffin' imply comedy and adventure or just adventure?

Mc·Guf·fin

məˈɡəfin/

nounBRITISH

noun: MacGuffin

an object or device in a movie or a book that serves merely as a trigger for the plot.

 

Said object or device being, a person. Mike advances the plot.

 

Well, it seems quite basic. How did he get into Equestria? What happened before? I personally am not a huge fan of humans into ponies, as that can be cliche,  but that's up to you.

I chose to use Mike (The protagonist of the stories I write(Which do not take place in the MLP universe)) Becuase It is something familiar to work with.

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(edited)

I was talking about foreshadowing. McGuffin is a rather silly term, and I already know what it is. Was wondering if it was reflective of his character, and on just the adventure level (plot advancement) or also because its a silly word, it being silly too.

 

Also the other questions I did ask are relevant. Like 'he notices he has hooves' is robotic. An emotionless robot can notice that, it doesn't give his personality which is what people really want, who cares that he noticed it. 

 

I noticed the grass was green, and sometimes is yellow or brown. Some types of grass I notice are bluer shades than others.

 

Whats that say about the character? Nothing. (I know it says he turned into a horse, but, that much is obvious from the name 'Mike')

 

Unless people would enjoy a minimalist story (like the start to this if I recall https://www.fimfiction.net/story/25966/austraeohor think dark souls-like story telling, but you clearly set up action as a genre) people tend to enjoy personality. 

 

The other questions I asked are to show audience motivations to begin reading your fic. If you do not deliver, or deliver improperly to expectations you set up in the opening people will lose interest or be disappointed. 

 

But seems to be action/adventure. Seems to not have characters that are familiar so cant tell if they are interesting so prolly won't bring me into reading it. 

 

*just realized I am comparing this to fiction too much, oops*


Well i guess the word story is in backstory lol

Edited by Lil Pip
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I was talking about foreshadowing. McGuffin is a rather silly term, and I already know what it is. Was wondering if it was reflective of his character, and on just the adventure level (plot advancement) or also because its a silly word, it being silly too.

 

Also the other questions I did ask are relevant. Like 'he notices he has hooves' is robotic. An emotionless robot can notice that, it doesn't give his personality which is what people really want, who cares that he noticed it. 

 

I noticed the grass was green, and sometimes is yellow or brown. Some types of grass I notice are bluer shades than others.

 

Whats that say about the character? Nothing. (I know it says he turned into a horse, but, that much is obvious from the name 'Mike')

 

Unless people would enjoy a minimalist story (like the start to this if I recall https://www.fimfiction.net/story/25966/austraeohor think dark souls-like story telling, but you clearly set up action as a genre) people tend to enjoy personality. 

 

The other questions I asked are to show audience motivations to begin reading your fic. If you do not deliver, or deliver improperly to expectations you set up in the opening people will lose interest or be disappointed. 

 

But seems to be action/adventure. Seems to not have characters that are familiar so cant tell if they are interesting so prolly won't bring me into reading it. 

 

I am unsure what you mean, but I added some more to the thingy up there.

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