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Chaotic Overlord

critique wanted A chaos god's guide to history

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(This based off a ongoing series that me and a few friends do on Fimfiction ) 

We open in a alternate Equestria. As Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are giving a spech to a clsss of filles and colts. 

"Welcome to Canterlot children we're so happy to be leading this tour." Celestia gave a bright smile   As Luna nodded warmly 

"Indeed we have much to tell you about our land and it's rich history " 

"Hm hm as do we...." familiar voices echoed and bounced across the vibrant castle walls. 

"Isfet... " Both princesses sighed 

"Bingo!" The crazed gods poofed into the room in a odd explosion of shadow colored smoke and living confetti 

Luna sighed heavily 

"What is it you want?"  she wiped the living party favors from her mane in pain. 

"Well we just noticed you were giving these wonderful little foals a history lesson and we figured we'd give our amazing imput on the subject." 

Celestia hesitated she didn't wish to offend the semi reformed villains they'd been friends for quite a while but she knew mixing immortal monsters with small children was a terrible idea. 

"With all due respect Isfet.  I'm not sure the foals should he around beings with such a.  Checkered past ." 

Isfet in their usual mocking way covered themselves in checker spot 

"Whatever do you mean?" 

"Conquering Equestria under thousands of years of eternal chaos, enslaving the Crystal Empire, the Alicorn Amulet. Weirdmaggedon, the Wonderbolts academy incident, aiding the Lion Tyrant Scar, cutting up,a child's parents was into chili and feeding it to him." Luna made a blunt list of just some of their many crimes. 

 "Humph come on that's all in the past we've moved past such things." They poofed a flashing over the top rainbow colored sign that read "good guys " in annoyingly bright letters 

"You may not be full blown villains anymore but you're not exactly.  Good " 

"Oh just shut up and give us the space to talk. 

Tell me what you think of isfet's personality so far and I'll continue 

Edited by Chaotic Overlord
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Hello @Chaotic Overlord

Considering that you seek outsiders' opinions about your character's demeanour and the piece overall, this thread will be relocated into AK Yearling's Writing Resources. Furthermore, the pertinent prefix of 'critique wanted' will be fixed to the title.

Have a lovely day.

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I really don't see why you need an OC for a God of Chaso when Discord is already there. To me Isfet sounds exactly like Discord.

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Ah my confused friend this is not a band OCs.   Rather alernate versus of canon characters THAT INCLUDE Discord the difference is A strength in numbers two MUCH deeper psychosis.    

Perhaps this next part will clear up the misconception that Isfet is a group of OCs

isfet shoved the monarchs away 

"Now whre to begin.., Ah yes our birth ." 

"We were born to Apothis Egyptian serpent of  destruction and Nightmare goddess of fear ." 

"Wait Nightmare? Nightmare Moon? But sge happened after your reign." A nerdy Gaurd piped up. 

"Hm very good solider but no.   Not Nightmare Moon just Nightmare the dark spirit who joined with Luna to create Nigntmare Moon.  Now where were we? Oh yes right . We grew up in the kingdom of our parents." 

"I of course took charge in leading our little troop ." Discord bragged 

"Oh shush ." The others huffed 

"Soon enough we met Celly and Lulu here." 

"We told you not to call us that " 

"can't hear you being amazing over here anyway we, them, Chrysalis and a bunch of like minded friends of ours formed a little pack. We did everything together.  Even discovered how to play birdy boiler " 

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Okay. I understand now. Isfet is a group name, sorta like the Cutie Mark Crusaders, or the mane 6.

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Now to  continue 

"What's birdy boiler?" One of the fiats seed 

"We're glad you asked little pony you see birdy boiler is a sport we played in the elephant graveyard you see the object of the game is to grab a bird, hold it Chen stick it in a geyser and-  

"Isfet!  You said you would teach the children not traumatize them!!!" 

"Oh silly princesses trauma is how we all learn they'll discover one day that every truth they've come to learn is a LIE.   But very well go ahead and be principal and vice principal boring. Anyway our kid days were wonderful.   Until Scar." 


"Yes, Scar you see in our younger days we had a friend named Taka he was a prince but unfortunately he was also a younger brother and thus his big ,brawny stupid older brother became king of their land. He found solace from his sadness and despair in us until.  His father caught us hanging out and gace him a scar after that.  Taka was never the same he became a Tyrant dedicated to becoming king at all costs. See we chaos creatures need both meat and negative emotions to survive and our numbers were dwindling he offered us food and power for helping him become king.   Stupidest choice we ever made ".  

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