feedback OC Fancomic Script Help?

[Sarge Sixteenbit 287]

I'm not really an experienced writer, but I wanted to try my hand at making a fan comic, based on my OC, Spartella.

Here is my first draft of the prologue script.

Spoiler

[Ext. Thunderclap island]

 

Text Box: Ages ago, on an island separated from the rest of the world...

 

[Town square]
 

*loud drum beats are played by mares as a casket is carried by muscular stallions*

 

*along the streets we see crowds of mourning ponies, who look sadly upon the casket*

 

*the casket is carried up to the altar in the middle of town*

 

*a mare, who looks to be in her 30s stood upon the altar as the casket was brought up the stairs, then placed down*

 

*the mare approached the edge of the altar to face the crowd of mourning townsfolk*
 

Storm Eye IV: Citizens of Thunderclap! We are gathered today to honor the legacy of our late former leader, my great grand mother and our founding Queen Storm Eye I!
 

*Among the mourning ponies we see Spartella as a filly peek out from the crowd.*

 

Storm Eye IV: It should be acknowledged, her spirit remains among us. In fulfillment to her wishes, this vessel in the form of a pendant has been crafted by the Zebras. This *raises the pendant*, our Bane of Sorrow, will house the spirit of our late queen. With the power of our lightning, our queen will continue to protect the land with her magic. *lowers her head* You may enter, great grandmother.

 

*to the bewilderment of the crowd, a series of blue winds whistle through the town. The blue winds gather in front of the altar into a big, blue, swirling ball. The crowds stare in awe as the ball receives the last sliver of blue wind, then explodes into a flash of light. The crowd averts their eyes from the light, then, when the light fades, they turn back to see a giant, glowing, blue representation of their late queen. The spirit looked upon her subjects as they bowed in her presence. The spirit turned to her great granddaughter to look into her eyes, then walked forward to enter the pendant. The spirit's form swirled into the pendant*

 

*the ponies rose*

 

Storm Eye IV: Her spirit rests within the pendant now. The Bane of Sorrow will remain in the mountain temple, absorbing the lightning made by our pegasi. She would appreciate visitations as she did during her life. Go in peace, knowing our protecter is still here.

 

*The crowds of ponies bowed their heads. Young Spartella stared up at the altar.*

 

[Later]

 

*A group of ponies, including Spartella and family visit the altar.*

 

[Cut to spartella and family walking home]

 

*Spartella lies in bed, pondering, then falls asleep.*

 

*Show montage of new buildings built on the island on the left, montage of Spartella's life enlisting in the army and serving in it on the right*

 

*First Panel: spartella sees the marching soldiers as a child*

 

*Second: she enlists as a young adult*

 

*Third: she goes through harsh training*

 

*Fourth: she is equipping her armor and weapons*

 

*Fifth: she and her fellow soldiers charge into battle*

 

*Sixth: Scene of a battle with monsters*

 

*Seventh: victorious flag raising on the battle field*

 

*Eighth: the soldiers from the war return to Thunderclap on a boat, greeted by a crowd of cheering citizens*

 

*Show Spartella's non-war duties as a lightning maker, along side other lightning makers.*

 

*Show a group of ponies visiting the shrine, including Spartella*

 

[Ext of thunderclap island as it fades from dusk to night, then day]

 

*Show ward full of miserably sick pegasi with a face-masked pony looking in.*

 

Off panel Spartella: *addresses the mask-wearing pony* how many are we down to now?

 

Coworker pony: *turns to her* one third of our workers

 

Spartella: Have the doctors made any progress?

 

Coworker: I'm afraid not, Spartella

 

Spartella: It's only a matter of time before this lung infection gets us too

 

Coworker: It'd be as if it wasn't bad enough that we're working to near exhaustion, compensating for the sick.
 

Spartella: We can't afford to leave the island defenseless

 

Coworker: but...how long can we keep this up?

 

Spartella: *looks at the mountain with the shrine*

 

Coworker: well, we best get back to work

 

[Cut to Storm clouds above the shrine]

 

*Pegasi are diligently kicking the clouds, but their miserable fatigue really shows.*

 

*A pony is panting as he flitters over to a cloud, kicks and misses. He keeps kicking, swatting and missing untill he let a final kick, collapsed from exhaustion and fell*

 

*Spartella sprang into alarm as she noticed the falling stallion. She took a nose dive to catch up with him. She caught the falling pony moments before he hit the ground.*

 

*She set him down upon a nearby hammock*

 

*The pony lie upon the hammock unconscious.*

 

Boss earth pony: did another one passout?

 

Spartella: the situation is getting worse by the moment

 

Messenger: *urgently gallops to the hammock area* Officer Spartella!

 

*She turned to him*

 

Messenger: Queen Storm-Eye IV is requesting an audience of all active soldiers!

 

*Spartella's pupils shrank slightly as she raised her eye brows*

 

[Cut to Int queen's palace]

 

*Several soldiers of the queen's army were gathered in the auditorium as Queen Storm Eye IV stood at the altar*

 

*The queen is in her 50s now*

 

Storm Eye IV: Brave soldiers of Thunderclap, as you are, undoubtably aware, the majority of our pegasi have befallen a mysterious lung infection and have been unable to provide lightning to power the Bane of Sorrow. With as little power as the shrine is recieving, it is inevitable that we will suffer an attack in the near future from our nation's enemies.  Ships are being built to evacuate the citizens. There should be enough energy in the force fields to give everypony a week to prepare. I will now announce the evacuation to the public. Inform your families and clear your homes. Most importantly, prepare for battle, my soldiers. ON THE STORM, WE RIDE!

 

Soldiers: ON THE STORM, WE RIDE!

 

(I'll try to think of a better war call)

 

[Cut to EXT spartella's home at night]
 

[Cut to INT spartella's house]

*Spartella lie in bed, worried about the battle to come.*

 

*Show sequence of spartella's house being packed and emptied over the week, accompanied by tally marks on a piece of stone.*

 

*On the sixth mark, we cut to night, when Spartella walked away from the tallys and out of her house. She sadly looked behind, then closed the door.*

 

*Cut to morning, where we see the villagers loading their belongings on the ships and boarding them.*

 

*The soldiers are directing the ponies onto the ships.*
 

*Show the soldiers upon the ships, keeping their arms ready*

 

*Show the soldiers, including Spartella gathered around the bane of sorrow.*

 

*Show the glow around the bane, slowly dying*

 

*Show the forcefield around the island fizzing out as legions of demonic ponies and other monsters prepare to attack.*

 

*The last of the villagers, as well as the royal family, board the ships*

 

*Show spartella in front of the bane, looking determined as ever.*

 

*The glow is still dying while everypony is still terrified or just tense.*

 

*The glow dies and the force-field shatters*

 

*The monsters immediately begin to swarm as the villagers cower inside the ships and the soldiers fire the cannons.*

 

*The soldiers on the main land battle the monsters valliantly.*
 

Spartella: Protect the bane!
 

*The bane of sorrow is plucked from the altar and slid into spartella's saddle bag.*

 

(No gaping wounds or penetration will be drawn)

 

*The soldiers charge out of the temple, attacking any and all monsters in the way. Flying monsters swoop after the soldiers and get slashed. Crab creatures get stabbed. Demons get bucked.*

 

*The soldiers reach the village, which is even more thickly populated than the mountain.*

 

*More violence ensues.*

 

*The saddle bag with the bane gets slashed by a monster. The bane is snatched up by a demon that cackles mischievously.*

 

*Spartella alerted the other soldiers that the bane has been stolen. The soldiers turn to the beast, but are held back by monsters.  Spartella had to fight alone.*

 

*Spartella flew after the demon, slashing every monster in her way. She caught up, then tackled it. The two wrestled for dominance over the bane until they dropped it. A giant crab scuttled in and grabbed it. After Spartella noticed, she knocked out the demon, she spread her wings and took to the air. She looped in the air, then swooped toward the beast's face. She dodged the deadly snip of its claw, then with a tuck of her wings and a flip, bucked the crab in the eye.*

 

*The crab wailed in pain, flailing about. It flung the bane in a random direction. Spartella immediately flew after it. She caught up to a few inches away from it before a winged beast swooped in and grabbed it. She immediately turned around to persue the beast. As soon as she was at eye-level with it, the two began clashing together in mid-air combat. They skirmished at close quarters in the air, claw to dagger when a misterious cloaked figure rose up and looked upon them. The creature became distracted out of fear, which gave Spartella the perfect opportunity to wrestle the bane out of its clutches. The creature tried to fight for it back, but the cloaked figure had other plans. He summoned a shadow ball with his horn and launched it at the two combatants. The ball engulfed the two and exploded.*

 

*After the explosion, Spartella and the beast fell from the sky. Spartella was falling in the direction of the shrine. As Spartella fell, she held the bane close in a tight embrace. The cloaked figure was in persuit.*

 

Spartella: *My queen, it appears that this is the end. And IN the end, I have failed to keep you out of the grip of evil*

 

*The bane glowed and hummed*

 

Spartella: *My queen? Spiritual energy from will power?*

 

*The bane glowed and hummed once more*

Spartella: If it will save you, I will give what's left of my life to you.

 

*She hugged the bane even tighter with a smile*

 

Spartella: I am not afraid

 

*An opaque, blue aura engulfed Spartella as she fell. Once her entire body was engulfed, her physical form disintegrated and got absorbed by the pendant. The pendant glowed extremely bright, blinding the persuer, making him lag behind. The pendant impacted hard upon the ground in front of the shrine, leaving a small crater.*

 

*The monsters near the shrine approached the bane, but those who touched it immediately felt a shock. The cloaked figure caught up with the relic. The monsters parted to let him walk by. He, himself tried to pick it up, but was also met with a shock. The cloaked figure looked upon the bane in silent frustration, then gestured his minions away from it.*

 

*Cut to the ships full of saddened villagers. A small boat, pushed by a pegasus caught up to the ship with the queen on board. The boat was hoisted up by the ship crew. The boat was filled with the soldiers that accompanied Spartella, now injured.*

 

Pegasus Soldier: These ponies need doctors!
 

*The crew on deck scrambled to fetch the medical personnel.*
 

*The Pegasus approached the queen in utter melancholy.*

 

Pegasus Soldier: I come bringing terrible news. The bane was stolen and Spartella went after it. We tried to help her, but these soldiers barely escaped with their lives. No, I can't let this go on! I must go back!

 

Storm Eye IV: What of your injuries?
 

Pegasus Soldier: But...I have none

 

*The queen gestured toward the large scratch mark on the side of his torso*

 

*The pegasus looked at his wound with widened eyes.*

 

Storm Eye IV: You've done your duty and protected these valued soldiers. Spartella is out there doing hers.

 

*As the queen speaks, show time lapse of monsters searching the island for treasures, then leaving the island*

 

Storm Eye IV: I know her all too well. The bane and one of our finest may be lost to us, but Spartella is resourceful and persistent. She does not accept defeat so easily."

*Show the bane from a distance, then up close*

Storm Eye IV: The bane will return to our people someday. Perhaps not in our lifetime, but we must deliver this hope to our future generations

 

Text Box: To be continued...

 

Edited May 22, 2017 by Sarge Sixteenbit