critique wanted My Idea For The Final MLP Episode Ever!!! (May Turn Into A Fanfic)

[Harratot33 93]

Just now, Radience said:

Will Tirek be in part 3?

Tirek isn't introduced until the second part of the trilogy (he'll also return in the third installment), so if that's what you mean yes. If you mean the third chapter of The Coming of Stellas Spatium, then no I'm afraid.

[Harratot33 93]

20 hours ago, Radience said:

Will Tirek be in part 3?

It's shorter than the last two, but here it is, Chapter 3:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12600824/3/The-Coming-Of-Stellas-Spatium

[Shadow Beam 1,179]

Remember that once you feel happy with your work you can post it in Written Fan Works. ^^

[Harratot33 93]

On 06/08/2017 at 10:33 PM, Radience said:

Will Tirek be in part 3?

So, Chapter 4 is done and is available on both Fanfiction.net and Fimfiction.net (the trilogy is also being posted there in the same format). As this is a critique thread, I was wondering if there's anything you think I should change or anything that could be improved - be as honest as you  can  

[Hierok 11,829]

34 minutes ago, Harratot33 said:

So, Chapter 4 is done and is available on both Fanfiction.net and Fimfiction.net (the trilogy is also being posted there in the same format). As this is a critique thread, I was wondering if there's anything you think I should change or anything that could be improved - be as honest as you  can  

@Radience is not much online, so I think you will have to wait a couple of weeks.  Is there a link to your fanfic?

Edited August 9, 2017 by Hierok

[Harratot33 93]

Just now, Hierok said:

Radience is not much online, so I think you will have to wait a couple of weeks.  Is there a link to your fanfic?

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/381912/the-coming-of-stellas-spatium

[Hierok 11,829]

Just now, Harratot33 said:

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/381912/the-coming-of-stellas-spatium

Thank you! 

I think it is pretty good. Are other villains going to join Spatium? And is Discord gonna help?

[Harratot33 93]

30 minutes ago, Hierok said:

Thank you! 

I think it is pretty good. Are other villains going to join Spatium? And is Discord gonna help?

Discord is gonna help The Mane Six, not Spatium. A large chunk of the second part is gonna be dedicated to Spatium trying to enslave other dimensions as well as Equestria. The group will head to Discord's and recruit him to help and there's gonna be more character development between him and Fluttershy.

As for other villains joining Spatium, he's too evil and selfish to let that happen. In the second part of the trilogy, Queen Chrysalis is gonna break Lord Tirek out of prison and team up with him to exact revenge on both Starlight and Twilight. They also offer to aid Spatium, but he refuses, and upon dealing with Queen Chrysalis, Tirek realises the only way he's gonna survive is by joining forces with Twilight's group, so he does so.

[Hierok 11,829]

May I give an idea?

Spoiler

Or Tirek realizess they have no change and he tries to get himself out of harms way. Spatium gets him and uses him to steal the magic from the mane 6 and such through him. 

 

[Harratot33 93]

4 minutes ago, Hierok said:

May I give an idea?

  Hide contents

Or Tirek realizess they have no change and he tries to get himself out of harms way. Spatium gets him and uses him to steal the magic from the mane 6 and such through him. 

 

If you don't mind me spoiling something (it's a massive spoiler, actually):

Spoiler

My original idea would be that the second part would be all about Tirek being reformed and Twilight's group's quest to prevent Discord and then Flurry Heart from being harmed. Then, in part three, Starlight would become an allicorn and the new Princess of Friendship, and Twilight would find (possibly through Starswirl The Bearded!!) a way to communicate with dead ponies, and somehow Tirek would be able to draw Princess luna and Celestia's powers from them even though they're deceased and make Twilight the princess of the moon and Cadance the princess of the sun, and Flurry Heart and Starswirl The Bearded would be the KEY to defeating Spatium!

 

[Hierok 11,829]

Just now, Harratot33 said:

If you don't mind me spoiling something (it's a massive spoiler, actually):

  Hide contents

My original idea would be that the second part would be all about Tirek being reformed and Twilight's group's quest to prevent Discord and then Flurry Heart from being harmed. Then, in part three, Starlight would become an allicorn and the new Princess of Friendship, and Twilight would find (possibly through Starswirl The Bearded!!) a way to communicate with dead ponies, and somehow Tirek would be able to draw Princess luna and Celestia's powers from them even though they're deceased and make Twilight the princess of the moon and Cadance the princess of the sun, and Flurry Heart and Starswirl The Bearded would be the KEY to defeating Spatium!

 

@Radience asked me about it too (now I know how he came up with it ). I said to him that I think Tirek should be evil, or at least neutral. A full redemption ark would be totally out of character, but here he has actually a role to fulfill, so this could actually work. Try to let him in his character tho. Don't try to bring it as if he turned good in 10 seconds.  Just some advice.

 

[Harratot33 93]

On 8/9/2017 at 9:01 PM, Hierok said:

@Radience asked me about it too (now I know how he came up with it ). I said to him that I think Tirek should be evil, or at least neutral. A full redemption ark would be totally out of character, but here he has actually a role to fulfill, so this could actually work. Try to let him in his character tho. Don't try to bring it as if he turned good in 10 seconds.  Just some advice.

 

I've posted Chapter 5: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/381912/5/the-coming-of-stellas-spatium/chapter-5---preparations-for-invasion Any feedback would be much appreciated, and the first part of the trilogy is nearly done, btw.

[Hierok 11,829]

2 hours ago, Harratot33 said:

I've posted Chapter 5: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/381912/5/the-coming-of-stellas-spatium/chapter-5---preparations-for-invasion Any feedback would be much appreciated, and the first part of the trilogy is nearly done, btw.

I like the idea of citizens evacuating to other places, but are those really save? It doesn't matter if they are in ponyville or another town since Spatium doesn't have a problem capturing them there too. 

[Harratot33 93]

12 hours ago, Hierok said:

I like the idea of citizens evacuating to other places, but are those really save? It doesn't matter if they are in ponyville or another town since Spatium doesn't have a problem capturing them there too. 

That's the whole point, though! Spatium enslaving or injuring them even though they're not even in the same place is a great demonstration of his immense power, in my opinion.

[Hierok 11,829]

3 hours ago, Harratot33 said:

That's the whole point, though! Spatium enslaving or injuring them even though they're not even in the same place is a great demonstration of his immense power, in my opinion.

Oh that is a great idea.  But still, if you were a ruler over your people, would you sent them to places with no protection? 

[Harratot33 93]

3 hours ago, Hierok said:

Oh that is a great idea.  But still, if you were a ruler over your people, would you sent them to places with no protection? 

It's not like Celestia and Luna have much of a choice - Spatium is coming for all of Equestria AND the entire multi-verse, isn't he; a bit of protection is better than no protection whatsoever.

[Hierok 11,829]

Just now, Harratot33 said:

It's not like Celestia and Luna have much of a choice - Spatium is coming for all of Equestria AND the entire multi-verse, isn't he; a bit of protection is better than no protection whatsoever.

Yeah, that is true, but I think they were better of under the protection of the dragons or something. Those cities are not much more then ponyville.  Sorry if I annoy you, but I like to ask myself and others this kind of questions.

[Harratot33 93]

1 minute ago, Hierok said:

Yeah, that is true, but I think they were better of under the protection of the dragons or something. Those cities are not much more then ponyville.  Sorry if I annoy you, but I like to ask myself and others this kind of questions.

Don't worry - the whole reason I made this forum was for critics such as yourself to give me advice on my work  

[Hierok 11,829]

1 minute ago, Harratot33 said:

Don't worry - the whole reason I made this forum was for critics such as yourself to give me advice on my work  

Then I'm glad I did ask these things. 

[Harratot33 93]

17 minutes ago, Hierok said:

Then I'm glad I did ask these things. 

Speaking of which: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/381912/6/the-coming-of-stellas-spatium/chapter-6---spatium-arrives 

6 minutes ago, Harratot33 said:

Speaking of which: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/381912/6/the-coming-of-stellas-spatium/chapter-6---spatium-arrives 

Whoops, there's a mistake in it! I never did come up with a Southern Simile for what Spike joining the fight is more dangerous than...  

[Hierok 11,829]

Trixie helping. Now I actually want Sunset to help too. This turned out amazing. 

[Harratot33 93]

1 minute ago, Hierok said:

Trixie helping. Now I actually want Sunset to help too. This turned out amazing. 

Thank you. And yes, I have big plans for Sunset and also Starburst believe it or not!

[Hierok 11,829]

Just now, Harratot33 said:

Thank you. And yes, I have big plans for Sunset and also Starburst believe it or not!

That would be awesome. Maybe fun to see a little more backstory of Spatium. 

[Harratot33 93]

2 minutes ago, Hierok said:

That would be awesome. Maybe fun to see a little more backstory of Spatium. 

I think the first chapter of Tirek's Reform will be a prologue detailing his poor relationship with his sisters and subsequent banishment.

[Hierok 11,829]

Just now, Harratot33 said:

I think the first chapter of Tirek's Reform will be a prologue detailing his poor relationship with his sisters and subsequent banishment.

That would be nice.