Can a woman and a man stay "just" friends forever?

[Ginger Ale 722]

Hi everypony, recent debate question confused my mind and I have been thinking "Can a woman and a man be friends?".

Dave Matthews answers this question on point: “A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other.

Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.” The short answer is yes, you can be just friends, but don't expect smooth sailing. We don't get to choose our family, but we do get to choose our friends. Often, our friends echo us in terms of personality, morals, values, socioeconomics, and goals. Our friends should complement us. No matter the gender, we find our friends attractive. At first, it isn't sexual attraction (well, most of the time).

Rather, we become attracted to how they make us feel, how comfortable we are talking to them and how fun they are to go out with on a Saturday night. What we look for in our guy friends is very much the same in what we look for in a significant other: chemistry. Why would we want to hang out with a boring bro who plays video games all day? We want a guy friend who makes us laugh, goes out to dinner with us on a Friday night and watches the Rangers with us.

Whether it's his dark brown eyes, height, charming personality or love for the Yankees, we are in some capacity attracted to him. If you deny this, ask yourself, “Why do I hang out with him?” It's inevitable: You both form feelings at one point of the relationship. Time wise, it can come in a variety of combinations.

You may fall first; he may fall first; perhaps, you will fall for each other at the same time. Timing is key here. You can't control when you will fall for each other, but the way you handle falling for him will definitely shape your relationship.

Do you ever notice how you feel when he brings a new girl into the picture? How about when he posts a picture with his new girlfriend on his arm at the same restaurant he took you for your 23rd birthday? Whether you like it or not, you feel threatened, even if you can honestly say you don't want to have sex with him. If this feeling of threat hasn't happened yet, trust me, it will. Often, without consciously recognizing it, we become attached. He is your best friend, after all, and all of a sudden, you're not a priority in his social life. You're his friend first, no girlfriend, and you don't always come first anymore.

Once you see your best guy friend pulling away because there is someone else in the picture who can jeopardize your friendship, the platonic feelings get confused. It is often in situations like these where our true feelings are revealed. Hooking up with guy friends is not unheard of, and some of us are guiltier than others. Obviously, hooking up with a guy friend can and will, without a doubt, complicate your relationship if you want to continue being friends. It can put your relationship in jeopardy because you're no longer discussing sports; you're trying to discuss where you stand.

Jealousy, love, and lust don't always last. Therefore, it is possible to be friends with the opposite sex, even after you hook up. However, it does require a lot of work. Honesty is important and being up front about each other's feelings is imperative. If you both enjoy the flirty banter, be upfront that it's just that and nothing more. Let him know you don't want anything serious.

If you feel yourself falling for him, but feel a $200 romantic meal in Soho is not acceptable for just friends, just stick with the coffee shop on a Sunday afternoon. If he truly respects you, he will respect your feelings, no matter what. However, falling in love with your best guy friend can possibly “last forever.”You have already set up a solid foundation of trust and love, and you know each other on a fundamentally deep level.

Relationships don't always start out as “love at first sight.” Sometimes, it is through deep, meaningful relationships we start to fall in love. As his friend, you see his flaws; you see who he is when he's sad and when he's happy. Unlike guys you've formally dated, falling in love with your best guy friend allows you to see his vulnerable side immediately.

He's not putting on a show for you. Instead, he is showing you his true side while letting you open the door. If you do happen to fall in love with each other at the same time, go for it. There isn't a guy who knows you better than he does. Cross the bridge of dealing with feelings and emotions carefully because, at one point or another, you will have to sit down and have “the conversation.”

Boys and girls can just hang out; they can sleep in the same bed without having sex, and they can be platonic, but not 100 percent of the time. Be aware that whenever you have a guy friend, there will be questions, doubts and moments of weakness.You can be just his friend, but remember, you will fall for him at some point. It's up to you whether or not you act on the feelings.

Apart from it please know being gay is an exception. I, myself know that I am gay and I can easily be friends with girls while I find hard to talk to boys and be friends with them. So do not include those exceptions. Think of a straight woman and a straight man, what do you think? Can they be "just" friends?

Edited September 5, 2017 by Ginger Ale

[Brony Number 42 9,899]

A man can only be friends with a woman if he is 1) gay 2) married or has a girlfriend 3) she is not attractive. Chris Rock has a good bit on it and says that men don't have lady friends. They have girls they have not had sex with yet.

[Nara 84]

One of my closer friends is male and he's been through two relationships and even in times between his ex and current girlfriend when he was single that never changed. We visit each other from time to time (be it with or without his gf) even tho we live really far away from one another. I even sleep with him in one bed when I visit him (he lives in a single room apartment and doesn't have anything else a guest could sleep on) and it never created any uncomfortable or awkward situations. I really consider him my "best guy friend" and I guess the key is honesty. We're upfront with our feelings and everything so there's never any tension or whatsoever. We know where we want our relationship to be so no one gets hurt or confused. We're friends and that's perfect 

 

Edited September 5, 2017 by Nara

[BastementSparkle 20,310]

Sure, a guy and a girl can be "Just" friends, though I kind of hate using the term "Just" in this kind of context as it feels like putting down friendship's as something less rather than different. I've had friends who were girls just fine, ones who would probably be considered pretty or attractive and I never really had feelings for them, sure I logically knew they were attractive, but I never felt any desire to date them or anything. I don't find every girl I meet attractive on a romantic level, not even the ones who are actually attractive

 As for feelings of jealousy when a friend starts spending way more time with someone else rather than you...I dunno, I feel like that'd happen no matter what when you're really good friends with someone? I mean, my best friend is a guy, and I'm a guy, and I'm straight, and if he started dating and spending tons of time with someone, I'd feel jealous. Doesn't mean I'm attracted to him, just means he's my friend and I value spending time with him.

[hollow-shades 129]

I can agree in some parts. Its instincts, you know? A straight boy and a straight girl can be just friends, but they might get romantic feelings, even if its just a little bit. Imo, what really changes this is sexuality and if the person is already into a relationship. A gay boi and a straight girl will most likely be friends, thanks to the boi's interests. However, I do think that a straight boi and a straight girl can be friends, if one of them is in a relationship. One of them will notice and respect that the other is in a relationship.

Edited September 5, 2017 by Flinp
better wording

[Libra 11,690]

Yes. Not everything is as black and white as it seems.

[碇 シンジン 27,427]

Why couldnt they be friends. I think friendship is something where age  gender or anything like that doesnt really matter and as such i dont think just because someone is male cannot have female friends.

Also being friend with someone is also kinda subjective and not everyone has same standards for friends and because of that  you cannot really say who can be friends with who since it kinda depends also on how they feel about friends and friendships themselves

[Driz 1,552]

What the hell, absolutely a woman and a man can be friends! I'm a bloke and I have tons of lady friends! Any two human beings can be friends, regardless of gender or sexual preference. Not everything in life revolves around getting laid.

If you enjoy someone else's company, you're friends. If you REALLY enjoy someone else's company and the feeling is mutual, you may proceed to the next step. It's just as simple as that. There's no multidimensional equation to solve.

[Ginger Ale 722]

4 minutes ago, ooReiko said:

Why couldnt they be friends. I think friendship is something where age  gender or anything like that doesnt really matter and as such i dont think just because someone is male cannot have female friends.

Also being friend with someone is also kinda subjective and not everyone has same standards for friends and because of that  you cannot really say who can be friends with who since it kinda depends also on how they feel about friends and friendships themselves

 

1 minute ago, Driz said:

What the hell, absolutely a woman and a man can be friends! I'm a bloke and I have tons of lady friends! Any two human beings can be friends, regardless of gender or sexual preference. Not everything in life revolves around getting laid.

If you enjoy someone else's company, you're friends. If you REALLY enjoy someone else's company and the feeling is mutual, you may proceed to the next step. It's just as simple as that. There's no multidimensional equation to solve.

 

1 hour ago, Flinp said:

I can agree in some parts. Its instincts, you know? A straight boy and a straight girl can be just friends, but they might get romantic feelings, even if its just a little bit. Imo, what really changes this is sexuality and if the person is already into a relationship. A gay boi and a straight girl will most likely be friends, thanks to the boi's interests. However, I do think that a straight boi and a straight girl can be friends, if one of them is in a relationship. One of them will notice and respect that the other is in a relationship.

No , no some of you understood wrong.  But can they stay friends forever? Read the topic it explains also.

[FlitterFlutter 1,568]

10 minutes ago, Ginger Ale said:

No , no some of you understood wrong.  But can they stay friends forever? Read the topic it explains also.

No, you are wrong on this, unfortunately. It is completely possible for a guy and a girl to be friends and stay friends. Really it is not even that uncommon, you are making this situation too black and white. In all honesty, there are people that you like as a friend but would never want to date. Romantic and sexual interest can be completely separate from a friendship.

Edited September 5, 2017 by FlitterFlutter

[Ginger Ale 722]

Just now, FlitterFlutter said:

No, you are wrong on this, unfortunately. It is completely possible for a guy and a girl to be friends and stay friends. Really it is not even that uncommon, you are making this situation too black and white. In all honesty, there are people that you like as a friend but would never want to date. Romantic and sexual interest can be completely separate from a friendship.

I didn't say they can't. I shared an opinion and it says possible... Some people disagree some do, I never mentioned my idea. Do not think I am defending they can't. Please,  I never said that. In addition, I was just curious what you guys think so I opened up this topic.

[碇 シンジン 27,427]

Just now, Ginger Ale said:

 

 

No , no some of you understood wrong.  But can they stay friends forever? Read the topic it explains also.

Well nothing lasts forever as people change or die or something else happens and as such people usually are able to adapt to these changes.

I get where you are coming from but I dont think being friends with someone means you need to constantly be with him or her  I mean you could work at the same company than they are and that way get to know them better but dont really have much interaction besides that? Is that friendship? To some people it is  and friendship like that  could last long or it could be very short and shallow it depends on the individuals.

I mean you could call anytone that is anything more than a strager to you a friend to some extent. Like i said it kinda depends on how you view friends and friendship and how you define them as an individual.

To some people getting or keeping friends as friends from the opposite sex could be hard  but to some people it isnt.

Some people utilize their friends more than others some people just occasionally and some people dont interact with them at all but that doesnt mean that they arent friends if the feeling is mutual, feelings could change and so can friendships and maintaining a friendship longer is tougher when the interaction is minimal as people change as time passes and  they might not be like they used to be anymore as such  Interaction makes maintaingn longer friendships possible more easily but i dont really think  being male or female has so much to do with it. It may be a big factor to some people and some other people  it isnt

[Driz 1,552]

Just now, Ginger Ale said:

No , no some of you understood wrong.  But can they stay friends forever? Read the topic it explains also.

Well, yes... I personally don't see why not.

I mean, of course I've had feelings for my friends at some point. Whenever I first meet someone new, one of my very first thoughts are: "When are we gonna get engaged? Where will we buy our house? How many children will we have and what will their names be?"

That's just instinct. You see someone single and attractive, you want a chance to make something happen. Absolutely. That's human. But it's a feeling we have to control if we want to keep that person close to ourselves as "only friends".

If we only get close to someone with the sole purpose of dating them, that's not friendship. We get close to someone in order to get to know them. To see if we can form a meaningful bond. To be friends. As I said, not everything has to be about sex. If my lady friend is fun to be around, a good company, understands me, helps me through tough times and vice-versa, that's wonderful! Why would I want to ruin this beautiful friendship by trying to get inside her pants?

[FlitterFlutter 1,568]

Just now, Ginger Ale said:

I didn't say they can't. I shared an opinion and it says possible... Some people disagree some do, I never mentioned my idea. Do not think I am defending they can't. Please,  I never said that. In addition, I was just curious what you guys think so I opened up this topic.

You heavily implied your opinion but I digress... you are right you never did my apologies. I just find the idea that men and women not being able to be friends rather insane.  

[SparklingSwirls 21,261]

Yes I think it's possible, but for me it's pretty difficult. I've been attracted to plenty of male friends before only to find out they're taken/not interested/whatever... I guess some people are better at being friends with the opposite sex than others. Just not really my thing.

That's only in real life though, all of my friends here on the forums are male and I don't have any problems with that  Usually

Edited September 5, 2017 by SparklingSwirls

[Ginger Ale 722]

I think it is possible too, but there are some times they turn out to be lovers.

11 minutes ago, ooReiko said:

I get where you are coming from

Do you mean my country or?

[Jeric 46,834]

Answering from experience ... yes. I have a few platonic female friends I am close to. Not one has led to anything rocky. Now, it's possible that a few of these relationships were helped that I was faithfully married, so it eliminated the possibility of tension ... and I am certain that it helps being a widower for a similar reason. 

3 hours ago, Ginger Ale said:

Dave Matthews answers this question on point: “A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other.

And this can be true as well, also from experience since I married my best friend. 

2 minutes ago, Ginger Ale said:

I think it is possible too, but there are some times they turn out to be lovers.

Do you mean my country or?

That means "I understand you"

[Guest]

The way you phrase it makes it theoretical and an impossible question to answer. If this is your theory on specific criteria between a male and female, then no, they can't just be friends. 

However, in my own experience I say it's not only possible but exempli gratia. Whether my own social dynamic has devolved so much that I'm incapable of it or I am just heartless, I don't love anyone on that level at all anymore and have no desire to. Friends I have of the opposite gender do eventually try their hand, but they are firmly and definitively shot down every time. It's just not the kind of toxin I ever want in my life anymore, personally. The value of someone's friendship has been so overshadowed by the eventual romantic twist that that experience alone is a natural defense for me.

That being said, I am well aware that it's a very natural progression in most cases. I just wouldn't call it a rule, and would say that yes, it's possible. 

[Snow Frostflame 3,567]

People of opposite sex being "friends"?... what the hell is this backwards thinking? No they can never be friends!

 

Being serious, yes men and women can be friends. I have a few girls I like to hangout with in real life, and online regularly. Now will they fall in love, they could... I'm not denying that... I have fallen in love and dated one of the girls in my recording group. It didn't last long, and we'd like to pretend it never happened, but that's irrelevant. When you're single, and find someone else who is single and attractive its hard to want to be just friends... but its not impossible.

[Ginger Ale 722]

@Snowflake Frostflame @Sunset Rose @Jeric @SparklingSwirls @FlitterFlutter @Driz @ooReiko @Nara @Libra @Flinp @BasementSparkle @BronyNumber42 To be more critical on my point and to not seem I am against it, I re-edited the topic title. Once again I am not asking it to look like i disapprove or can't understand it. My main topic is to discuss can they stay friends forever. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

[Libra 11,690]

2 minutes ago, Ginger Ale said:

@Snowflake Frostflame @Sunset Rose @Jeric @SparklingSwirls @FlitterFlutter @Driz @ooReiko @Nara @Libra @Flinp @BasementSparkle @BronyNumber42 To be more critical on my point and to not seem I am against it, I re-edited the topic title. Once again I am not asking it to look like i disapprove or can't understand it. My main topic is to discuss can they stay friends forever. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Well in that case, I'm gonna have to say it depends on the situation of the two individuals.

[Catpone Cerberus 23,421]

It depends what you mean by forever, my mother has been "just" friends with a straight man for at least 40 years.... but I would say yes, yes they can. 

[GrimGrimoire 4,970]

It depends on what you call a friend. Obviously anyone can be friends with anyone else if they WANT to. But, I think the whole focus of this question is wrong... because you are putting the gender up on a platform before the friendship. To me that is no different than putting the race, sexual orientation or religion up there to decide whether they are your friend or not. To me that is friendship with baggage... "we are friends EVEN THOUGH you have different reproductive organs than I do" or "we are friends EVEN THOUGH you believe in a being that I don't". Why not be "just friends" without any of the "EVEN THOUGH"?

Roger is my friend. Tiffany is my friend. There should be no difference in that if they are indeed, my friends. If you are constantly having to think about them first as a member of the opposite sex before thinking of them as your friend, then you IMO are just faking it for an ulterior motive.

Anyone can be friends if they are willing to put aside all the things that makes someone unique to themselves behind the fact that you just genuinely like them as a person.

Edit: You changed the question while I was typing this up.. my response stands. And Yes they can be friends for as long as they are willing to be friends.

[FlitterFlutter 1,568]

6 minutes ago, Ginger Ale said:

My main topic is to discuss can they stay friends forever. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

What does that even mean? I did not know it was even a controversial question, I thought it is pretty standard to have friends of the opposite sex.... Now I am thinking I am weird.

 

Just now, GrimGrimoire said:

It depends on what you call a friend. Obviously anyone can be friends with anyone else if they WANT to. But, I think the whole focus of this question is wrong... because you are putting the gender up on a platform before the friendship. To me that is no different than putting the race, sexual orientation or religion up there to decide whether they are your friend or not. To me that is friendship with baggage... "we are friends EVEN THOUGH you have different reproductive organs than I do" or "we are friends EVEN THOUGH you believe in a being that I don't". Why not be "just friends" without any of the "EVEN THOUGH"?

Roger is my friend. Tiffany is my friend. There should be no difference in that if they are indeed, my friends. If you are constantly having to think about them first as a member of the opposite sex before thinking of them as your friend, then you IMO are just faking it for an ulterior motive.

Anyone can be friends if they are willing to put aside all the things that makes someone unique to themselves behind the fact that you just genuinely like them as a person.

^pretty much this^

[CheeryFox 23,811]

Yes. Relationship types are more robust now. Even if someone were to have strong feelings at one point - the friendship doesn't really have to change.