RaphLuna

OMG Totally Freaking Out Righ now..

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Deleye me please thank you

 

Edited by RaphLuna
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@RaphLuna

Moving to Written Fan Works. :)

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Well, I have to admit that I just kind of skimmed a few lines. It reads more like a screenplay than a prose fic, honestly. While starting a new line for switching between character dialogue is fine and usually expected, usually it'd be something more like:

"Is anyone going to the family picnic the community is having this weekend?" Timber asked.

rather than:

Timber ''anyone going to the family picnic the community is having this weekend.?''

^ This is a colon away from looking like a line out of a stageplay. Which, while not a bad thing, just doesn't seem to scream "fic". If there's more detail you can think to add between dialogue switches, I definitely recommend that in the interest of fleshing things out. Also, instead of having neat paragraphs, you seem to have separated the majority of lines after one or two sentences. I would recommend trying to pare those down into neat paragraph blocks.

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