derpyisbestpony

Critique Wanted Dance of the Stars (a.k.a. the backstory for my main OC)

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Chapter One

Howling like a ferocious beast, the wind pulsed against the rocky cliff face. Protected from the worst of the winds by the cliff walls, the little town of Doneighgal was quiet, but cold. It was in this town that twins were born to a unicorn mare named Orchid Rain and a Earth pony stallion named Solar Storm. The older twin was a yellow unicorn filly with a purple and blue mane and tail. She was named Star Spirit. Her younger sister, named Thriving Lily, was a creamy white Earth pony with a light green and pink mane and tail. Their lives began happily and with great celebration from their extended family, which was practically the entire town. Solar Storm adored and was adored by Star Spirit, while Thriving Lily was the apple of her mother's eye. Star, as she was called by her friends, took an avid interest in astronomy and magic, using her magical skills to aid her in her studies of the skies. Eventually the unicorn filly, confident in her abilities as an astronomer, predicted a spectacular meteor shower the next night and told the entire town to be at the courtyard of the old fortress that stood roughly half a mile from the town about an hour after sunset. The next night, she was a nervous wreck. What if my prediction was wrong? she wondered. What will everypony think of me? She almost considered not going to the event, but if her prediction was correct, she'd miss out on something amazing. Eventually she swallowed her fear and trotted with her family to the selected location. It was the perfect location, as the whole thing was elevated above the land around it the walls and roof of the fortress had crumbled leaving a perfect view to almost every part of the horizon. Suddenly, as the last few ponies quieted down, the hour struck. Nothing was happening at first, but then Lily spotted it: dozens of colored beams of light shooting across the sky to the east. Everypony sat in complete awe as the light show flickered across the sky. Star was snapped back to reality by a gentle light near her and she turned her head to find a cutie mark on her flank: a silver telescope pointed towards a purple shooting star. A smile spread across her face as she turned her head back to the skies, filled with color and what seemed to be dancing stars.

 

Let me know what I can improve upon; I want to practice my writing and get better so feedback would be much appreciated! :lol:

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(edited)

Like a ferocious beast, the wind howled against the high cliff walls that protected the little town of Doneighgal. Surges like these weren't that uncommon but this one was drawing cold air from the north, causing jagged ice peaks to form on the ridge. If not for that rocky face, the towns fires would have blown out long ago, and trapped the inhabitants in an icy crypt. Luckily they were well sheltered, and on this particular night, there was something to warm everypony's hearts, for within a small cottage a yellow unicorn mare was born. Her mother smiled down at the new born filly, brushing its purple and blue mane out of it's eyes which it opened, gazing upon her mother's face for the first time. The exhausted mare said hello to her daughter, and named her Star Spirit, before leaning back and falling asleep. The infant would follow suit, but not before glancing over to another pony in the room. Her older brother, Solar Storm, who stoked the fire. She watched him for a moment before turning her gaze to the flickering flames. Falling asleep to the image of them dancing among the coals. Time flew by with little disturbance besides the birth of Star Spirit's and Solar Storm's twin younger sisters, Orchid Rain and Thriving Lilly. A few years after they were born an old trades pony came along. He exchanged some goods for food and stayed with Star Spirit's family for a few day, regaling old legends and journeys passed, much to the foals delight. Before parting, each of them a gift. To Star Spirit he gave a book of Celestial bodies as she had shown interest in what not only lay beyond her home, but what lay among the heavens above. She would take the book up to an abandoned fortress where she could best overlook the town and pear up at the night sky. She spent hours endlessly configuring a basic telescope from instructions within the book and copying star charts from while also making adjustments for slight changes she could see had occurred since the book was printed. She attempted to share this newfound joy with her sisters but they would simply draw lines on the charts until flowers appeared. She pored through the pages soaking up as much information as she could while her sisters chased each other through the ancient passageways. One day a section caught her eye where the text spoke of a recurring meteor shower. It's display would seem random at first for it would appear in a different location every time, however the timing between these showers were the same. Star Spirit went to the part of town where all the records were kept, and managed to dig out an old map of Equestria. She plotted the locations where the shower was sighted, and found that they followed a path, but the last sighting in the book was from over a hundred years ago. Desperate to see where it would end, she packed the book, map and a few other necessities for a long trek. She knew that the only way to learn more was to see what the neighboring town had, and despite it being days away, she was devoted to finding the answer. She hastily wrote a letter telling her mother what she had done, and left in the middle of the night. A few nights later she was abruptly awoken. She looked up to see Solar Storm looking worried sick. He demanded to know why she had left like she did, not understanding why. She explained to the best of her ability but he couldn't grasp why anypony would be so focused on a meteor shower. She was determined however, and refused to go back to Doneighgal empty hoofed. The neighboring town was very close however, and she was able to convince him to go along if they would start heading back by the next afternoon. Upon arrival she sprinted to the Town's library, her eyes glowing at all of the knowledge before her. She'd only ever seen a book case worth of books, but a whole building filled with them was almost unbelievable. She spent the next few hours reading as much as she could, trying to find something, anything about the shower. But she didn't find anything new. The librarian saw her glumly flipping the page with the last account back and forth and asked what was wrong. Upon hearing her inquiry she recalled a scheduled meteor shower from several years ago but clouds had blocked the viewing. She suggested she look in the old newspapers to find the exact dates. Star Spirit now filled with hope searched through several file cabinets till she found not only the headline she was looking for but a few more relating to the event as well. She marked them and after scribbling down some equations, discovered the next Meteor shower was not only a few days away, but should be visible from her home town! She thanked the librarian, and began running for home, nearly leaving her poor brother behind in the process. Along the way she worked out the exact timing of when the shower should be visible, but they were cutting it really close. When she got home she bursts through the door and into her mothers arms. They talked over each other excitedly then stopped and embraced again while laughing. Star's mother was glad to just have her daughter safe at home but Star then perked up, realizing they only had minutes left, and urgently tried to get her mother outside. Not having time to explain she ran back out with and her mother and siblings gave chase. They shouted for her to stop and she shouted for them to follow, causing many ponies to poke their heads outside to see what was happening. Seeing the family running, most thought there was an emergency and raced after them. Soon the whole town was trotting after her as she made her way up to the fortress. She stopped at the tallest parapet where a confused crowd began to form. They were all shouting over one another asking what was going on, when one ornery stallion manage to yell over all them to be quiet. Most went silent but those just arriving kept at it. Star's mother stepped forward, asking why she had dragged them up there to which she replied with a gentle hush and looked on patiently. They were elevated above the clouds and surrounding cliffs, and gathered around the towers and battlements, they were left with a perfect view to almost every part of the horizon. It was the perfect location. Suddenly, as the last few ponies quieted down, the hour struck. Nothing was happening at first, but then Lily spotted it: dozens of colored beams of light shooting across the sky to the east. Everypony sat in complete awe as the light show stretched across the sky. Star was snapped back to reality by a gentle light near her and she turned her head to find a cutie mark on her flank: a silver telescope pointed towards a purple shooting star. A smile spread across her face as she turned her head back to the skies, filled with color and what seemed to be dancing stars.

 

This is my take on it, supplying potential backstory and sorting out the whole sibling arrangement since you have 4 names. I figured Lily and Rain made off for better twins since their names are more flora based. Also, confused by an earth pony with the name Solar Storm, since I'm not sure what earth pony could do relating to those. Second half was rushed, lot to type in lots of time so not perfect. Tried not to repeat words too often, but pretty sure I said "before" like 5 times. Went with the use of dancing when describing the flame sin the coals as an attempt at foreshadowing, not sure how it really comes across though. Hoped this helps or provides inspiration and stuff.

Edited by SharpWit

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As the OP seeks suggestions and input regarding their work, this topic will be relocated into AK Yearling's Resources along with the prefix of critique wanted.

Do remember that advice is preferred over rewriting, as the later takes away centrality from the main post.

Have a lovely day everyone ^^

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