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"I do like to make jokes about homeless people." 

(yes I actually texted this) 

“Coffee without caffeine is like water without ‘wet’.” 

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"I'm gonna pitch a tent in your backyard."

"What the hell did you just say? *looks at tent bag and air mattress* Oh! You were being literal. That's not perverted, that's wholesome."

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"I saw a strip club across the street from a mini-golf place and I'm liberal but that's too much for me. What if you're trying to have a nice afternoon with your family, then your kids look across the street, and have to see a bunch of losers playing mini golf?" 

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"Am I weird for having my wisdom teeth on my desk?"

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Random little kid in the grocery store: "Blueberry muffins, blueberry muffins, blueberry muffins, blueberry muffins, blueberry muffins, blueberry muffins, blueberry muffins, blueberry muffins, blueberry muffins, blueberry muffins, blueberry muffins, blueberry muffins, blueberry muffins, blueberry muffins, blueberry muffins, blueberry muffins!" :derp:

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Manager: Hey [Name] instead of Tom and Jerry we have Tim and Gerry.
Me: Heh, yeah but instead of it being about a cat and mouse chasing each other its about two cooks working together.
Manager: Two fat cooks.
Me: Heheh.

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