critique wanted alicorn shadows, part 1, the birth of time and space

[crystal-designer 6]

alicorn shadows, part 1: the birth of time and space.

this may sound a bit religious, and a bit weird, but it will all make sence in the end...

In a universe like ours, two alicorns were born: one filly with light blue coat, dark blue eyes, wavey purple mane with look through edge. She had a large yellow crown with a miniature globe in it and black lacey shoes. Her cutiemark was a piece of space: dark blue with stars and a planet in the middle. She was Cosmic Nebula, the queen, the being of space. The other was a colt named timekeeper. He has a brownish yellow coat, grey spikey mane and tail, light blue eyes. His cutiemark was a clock with radars around it. He wears a black, spikey, steampunk crown and black steampunk shoes. He also has a working clock around his neck. He was the being of time. They both took care of planet Munton (my fantasy planet i.r.l.). Later on they got two sons, also alicorns: prince Solaria, the being of the sun and moon. He had a light blue coat, purple eyes and purple mane and tail, with pink edge. He wore a black neckless and a smaller black crown, with two amethyst gemstones in it.His cutiemark was a sun and moon comibned. The other son was prince Journey, a green alicorn with curly grey mane, look through edge and medium blue eyes. His cutiemark was a compass, he also wore a compass around his neck. He wore a dark blue crown and shoes. 

Now, both sons had a girlfriend. Journey had a greenish unicorn, named Chrysalis. She was mainpulative and wanted only two things: Journey's love and more power.

Later on, Solaria, afraid of what Chrysalis might do, fled to planet Faust (the planet were Lauren Faust her creatures live). There, he met an alicorn named Lauren, she had a white coat and straight red mane and tail. She got pregnant, and they later on got two fillies: Luna And Celestia.

I'm going to have to stop here, because it wouldn't fit under the same title anymore... BUT let me know if you want to read more!

[SharpWit 2,472]

"In a separate universe much like our own, two alicorns were born. One was a filly with a light blue coat, dark blue eyes, and a purple wavy mane that was translucent. She wore a large golden crown with a miniature globe set in the center and black lacey shoes. Her cutiemark was a dark blue mass, with stars and a planet in the middle, representative of space. Her name was Cosmic Nebula, and as the being* of space, she was the queen. The other alicorn was a colt named Timekeeper. He had a brownish yellow coat, a grey spikey mane, and light blue eyes. His cutiemark was a clock with radars around it. He wore a sharply tiered black crown, with _______________ and shoes to match. He also had an engraved watch that hung around his neck, as he was the being* of time. Together they took care of their home world, the planet Munton (my fantasy planet i.r.l.). Later on they would have two sons, who were also alicorns. Prince Solaria, the being* of the sun and moon. and Prince Journey, the being of ___________. Solaria had a light blue coat, purple eyes and a purple mane that was pink on the edges. He wore a black neckless and a black crown that was comparatively smaller than the others, but it held two amethyst gemstones. His cutiemark was a sun and moon combined _____________. The other son was Prince Journey. He had a green coat with a curly translucent grey mane, and medium blue eyes. His cutiemark was a compass, much like the one he wore around his neck, and atop his head sat a dark blue crown and shoes of the same color on his hooves. 

Journey was courting a greenish _______ unicorn, named Chrysalis. Unfortunately she was manipulative and wanted only two things. His love and more power.

Solaria, would come to be weary of Chrysalis and her intentions and so to have some distance between her and himself, and some time to ponder over the issue, he left Munton and went to another planet called Faust (the planet were Lauren Faust her creatures live). There, he met an alicorn named Lauren, she had a white coat and a straight red mane. They would go on to have a relationship and eventually get pregnant, resulting in the birth two fillies who would come to be known as Celestia and Luna."

 

Mostly spelling and punctuation correction, along with some word replacement and rearrangement for it read smoother.

I know that you're trying to introduce the characters to us, but this is mostly just a description of their appearances, not an origin story, so it reads somewhat like a Wikipedia article.

The first blank space is for you to add more descriptive features. Steam punk is too generic and there's a lot of variety. The second blank space is say what Prince Journey is the being of since you forgot to include it, and the third blank space is to describe the cutie mark better, because you could have equal parts sun and moon down the center, a yin yang style, or there it's mostly the sun but a crescent moon envelops it from the side. The fourth blank space is to add a second color. Greenish implies something else. Is she greenish black, greenish blue, greenish brown? Or is she just a lighter or darker shade of green?

*Rather than referring to them as just the beings of space and time, use something that holds more meaning to it. Like how Discord isn't just a draconequus, he's the Lord/Spirit of Chaos as well.

I underlined "His love" because I'm confused as to whether she's actually a changeling yet of if she cares for him and wants him to return the same affection she feels for him.

Are Nebula and Timekeeper siblings or partners, because it kind of sounds like both. Also are they part of a larger group of alicorns, or do they just happen to be the only two alicorns on their planet?

I know it's popularly viewed to see Lauren Faust as the mother of Princesses Celestia and Luna, but this comes off as weird when you throw a father into the picture because she's a real person.

I think you should focus on the origin story of Nebula and Timekeeper since the title you've given this is "The Birth of Time and Space", and things like clothes could be covered in a much later scene where they're getting ready for something like a coronation maybe, and the part about Chrysalis I think has a lot of potential, especially if she were to obtain the title of Queen by using Prince Journey to get closer to Queen Nebula and Timekeeper, and then eliminating all of them somehow. However her role should come in much later. The introduction to part one could cover the origin, and this could be done by some important figure making a speech and providing praise, and follow that up with Nebula and Timekeeper taking on their leadership roles, and in part two, the story can move forward in time, long after Solaria and Journey have been born and he can be introducing Chrysalis to them for the first time.