Dust-Shot

Adventure Dead Hooves: Survivors(incomplete)

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Warning: This fanfiction contains letters, spaces and words. Read at your own risk.

Dead Hooves: Survivors(take 1)

Chapter1: The End

Greetings. My name is Thunder Strike. And, today I am here to tell you a story. My story. Are you ready? What? You don't want it? Well, that ain't stopping me. Eleven years ago, there still were the good times. Well, not perfect. Still had some problems. But at least no bloody monsters running across the street. I was eleven. I remember it like it was yesterday... it was the first day of school A.K.A. The anti-student day.

*ring*

And the sound everybody hated. The sound of an alarm clock. A bright yellow hoof reached for it and pressed a button to make it stop. That was me. I let out a groan, and tried as hard as I could to get on my hooves. In the end I did it, leaving some of my feathers in my bed.

"*sigh* Another school day... another torture day..."

I went out of my room and went to my bathroom, the fluffy clouds on which I was stepping reminding me of my bed. I brushed my teeth while looking at my mane. I have low to no standards, but this was below them. When I finished, I spat the toothpaste foam out and cleaned my toothbrush. I tried to order my black mane a bit. Still messy, but it looked better. I took a look at my brown eyes. Then I tought why I did that. I took a quick look at my cutie mark. A thunder cloud. I got it at a flying race. *Flashback* It was race day. Sure, just a race for the P.E., but I was so excited! And nervous. It was a big day. I really wanted that trophy. I needed it. Why? I don't know either. But I needed it. I was ten at the moment, it was normal to want shiny stuff, right? Right? Anyways, I took my mind from the trophy and put it on the race. I had to focus. And the pony that was doing the countdown 'til the begining of the race was already counting. 5... I was thinking of a good route to get first... 4... "Good luck!" I said to the other ponies... 3... I took a take-off stance... 2... Opened my wings... 1... Motivational self talking. Start! I took off. The race was made from four parts. Each was testing diferent skills we had. Part one was the climb. It was made from a straight climb where the route was blocked by a wall made of climbs which lead to a higher section. After that were the hoops. Just some hoops. Then was a steep descend and the last was a simple race on who's faster. I was going higher at the climb. Flying in circles seemed like the best tactic. So, we all were doing it. When one pony gets in front of me. A grey colt with a black mane. Hmm... How do I get past him? Making a tighter turn sounded like a good ideea. So I did it. It actualy worked. We were at the same distance apart of each other. Now, I only needed to catch a portion where I can descend, and I'll gain enough speed to get ahead. The climb was over. Hoops! I goed up higher. Once I had the height I wanted, I began aiming for a hoop that was lower down. The descent should give me enough speed to get ahead. And so I did. Now it was the higher descent. I had this in my hoof. Or so I tought so. The same pony that got ahead of me a few minutes ago. I knew what to do. I took a steeper descent. More speed. I was first again. Now, this is the part where there are no descents. There were clouds to stop that. So, it was simply who gets first. Once again we where next to each other. He began talking to me. "You've got no chance to win." He said. I was thinking of a thing to say. An ideea came in my head. "Look! Your tail fell off!" I said as I pointed a hoof to a cloud. "Huh?" He said as he stopped and looked at the cloud. I was laughing so hard. I couldn't believe it! He bit it! Anyways, I did it. I won. I just passed the finish line when I was blinded by a flash. "Wha-" I said before spotting the new thing on my flanks. "I got my cutie mark!" *End of Flashback*

I finished first. And I got the trophy. And something so better than a trophy. A cutie mark.

Anyway, let's get back to the story.

Skipping some unimportant details, I took a school hot air baloon to get me to school. The school looked exactly the same. The playground, a hallway to the classes, the class, everything.

(This is the end of the piece, I will keep editing the things I got wrong and you pointed out and expanding itwhen I got time. Let me know if you like it , if you don't like it and where I could have done better. Thank you for reading my giberish:fluttershy:)

Edited by Dust-Shot

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Pardon my tad-zealous nature, but does it not seem a little short? :confused:

I mean, I guess you could've done that intentionally, I've heard some don't much care for longer fanfiction, but whatever

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7 hours ago, Dust-Shot said:

Chapter1: The End

This made me laugh more than it should have.

Reads like a middle school paper where the student couldn't come up with much so they used repetitive language and included unnecessary details. There's also a feeling of having to stop a lot because of how short so many of the sentences are. I say this because I remember doing the same thing except I have a tendency to write run on sentences. Practice will help along with peer review. I once wrote the beginning of a fanfiction without coming up with names for the characters, and I had the story told by the main character just how you're doing. It's a style I find easier to write but harder to read. Nowadays I feel the need to know every little detail which requires hours of research for the inclusion of very little information so hardly any progress is made. Like one project I had for a writing class, come up with a short story with 3 other students. Ours was about a mercenary and a lot of time reading up on what would not only be the ideal weapon for his sort of work, but one he'd have extensive history and experience with. We came up with a really cool movie idea essentially and the project didn't do well. Really didn't help that one of the kids was absent the whole time, another had no idea what a mercenary was, and the final one thought it was the same thing as a police officer. :lol: Anyways, I'm rambling. Good luck in your endeavors.

  • Brohoof 1

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Really didn't help that one of the kids was absent the whole time, another had no idea what a mercenary was, and the final one thought it was the same thing as a police officer.  Anyways, I'm rambling. Good luck in your endeavors. I must say your crew sure knows to do it with style! Anyway, for the "too short fanfic" thing is that this is just some of it if you like it. I'll keep polishing this. Thanks for the reviews!

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Also, I edited a good piece of fanfiction. Tell me if you like it. "Chapter 1: The End". It actualy wasn't put there for laughs, but glad you like it! Now I get it too XD! Anyways, I'll add more tommorow. Keep on reviewing!

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