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rainbowdashacademy

Dark mlp fim the elements of darkness pony script part1 to 4 !

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Pretty sure the mane 6 don't reference themselves as the mane 6. You spelled the word hideous incorrectly so spell check is needed. The differing colors is actually hurting my eyes. Most of the text is centered but not all of it, or it is but has odd spacing from an indent or something. The story is jumping right into dialogue with no introduction/narration so It feels like I've just been dropped into the middle of something that was already happening so I'm starting off confused. I suggest looking up how screenplays are usually written, they're very useful, especially with establishing a visual. Rainbow dash should be saying, "Yeah, I don't think any of them could outfly an awesome Pegasus like me." except her comment does add to the story, there's no place for it there, unless she's actually following up what Rarity said, in which case she should say something more along the lines of, "Yeah, not to mention those two don't even look like they could get off the ground." or "Yeah, and is that one supposed to me like me? because it doens't look like a very fast flyer." assuming they're mirroring the mane 6 that is so 2 pegasi, 2 unicorns, and 2 earth ponies, and not the whole groupApplejack in that first instance of saying "Ya" would have actually said "Yer" because she's actually saying "you're" not just "you". Is Applejack being sarcastic about being kind? because it doesn't sound like fighting otherwise, and both Fluttershy and Applejack's responses are out of character for their first reactions.

That's just for the first page. This story didn't make much sense to me and really needs to be fleshed out, pun not intended. It's a work in progress to say the least. Hope it goes well for you.

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@rainbowdashacademy

When sharing your work please post the story to a thread; do not share a download link.

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On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2018 at 8:21 PM, SharpWit said:

Pretty sure the mane 6 don't reference themselves as the mane 6. You spelled the word hideous incorrectly so spell check is needed. The differing colors is actually hurting my eyes. Most of the text is centered but not all of it, or it is but has odd spacing from an indent or something. The story is jumping right into dialogue with no introduction/narration so It feels like I've just been dropped into the middle of something that was already happening so I'm starting off confused. I suggest looking up how screenplays are usually written, they're very useful, especially with establishing a visual. Rainbow dash should be saying, "Yeah, I don't think any of them could outfly an awesome Pegasus like me." except her comment does add to the story, there's no place for it there, unless she's actually following up what Rarity said, in which case she should say something more along the lines of, "Yeah, not to mention those two don't even look like they could get off the ground." or "Yeah, and is that one supposed to me like me? because it doens't look like a very fast flyer." assuming they're mirroring the mane 6 that is so 2 pegasi, 2 unicorns, and 2 earth ponies, and not the whole groupApplejack in that first instance of saying "Ya" would have actually said "Yer" because she's actually saying "you're" not just "you". Is Applejack being sarcastic about being kind? because it doesn't sound like fighting otherwise, and both Fluttershy and Applejack's responses are out of character for their first reactions.

That's just for the first page. This story didn't make much sense to me and really needs to be fleshed out, pun not intended. It's a work in progress to say the least. Hope it goes well for you.

What's different to this fanfiction is I'm trying a new idea where you act out the roles in the show is also why it's color coded for each different character that talk to each other! Plus I write horror novels better then this it was really hard to do. If you want me to do more I'll try but I can't promise they will be better!

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