Proof read for windy breeze

[Evil Pink One 12,963]

@Windy Breeze.... So ima put it here for now....

Usually in a sentence you only need 1 "and" and very few commas in a sentence... A quick arrangements and twirks would clean this up. 2 commas are usually the limit in a sentence....once you reached 2 commas... You need to question yourself...

 

 

 

 

So heres my take...you don't need to copy mine.. but...learn from it? But i put it yellow meaning it is up to you if you wanna change it.

"Life in the savannah is always about survival of the fittest and the fall of the weak. The race of life and death. Every living creature follow this cycle. They rise like the sun and fall like the moon, living their flesh and bones to wither away.

And from the pile of bones, a limp and cold zebra mare can be seen laying down, readying itself from the cold embrace of death."

 

 

 

More to come

*nothing that can be done to save her.

 

* Supposed meal. The slashes...

 

* Her heart beats faintly.

 

* I noticed some of your commas should be periods.

[Evil Pink One 12,963]

 

 

 

 

 

Heres my take

 

". He knows when he makes one more I'll word about her mate will make his day a painful one."

[Evil Pink One 12,963]

Theres a lot of missing periods...

*Descend down to the ground.

 

 

(Sorry it isnt in order...some of it)

"Every vultures" is repetetive... And it sounds wrong when you say it aloud. "Every vulture" is better.

 

*They remember[ed] what their parents... ( You forgot to add "ed")

 

* ... trying to wake er up.

The female vulture landed behind him and said, "... And i thought wachamacallit is more idiotic than you... How disappointing." She grabbed hold...

* Her mouth's grasp

* Besides, the last carcass I've played with was seven months ago! And you know how ugly a wildebeest is?"

 

[Windy Breeze 15,175]

Thank you for proof reading my story @Kujamih. I owe you a big one

[Evil Pink One 12,963]

I still have more...but I'll try and so what you suggested 

 

Edited October 16, 2020 by Kujamih