slice of life Flights of Fear and Fancy

[Demonslayer 9]

After my first fan fiction was received pretty positively i took that as people liking my writing so I've decided do do another 

Would love to hear thoughts on it and to find out what i could do better

Flights of Fancy but also Fear .pdf

[Brony Number 42 9,927]

You need to shorten the sentences. It looks like every paragraph is one sentence, when it should be 3 to 5. Also, quoted dialog is followed by commas. Example:

"That is good," he said. 

You can also add more descriptions of the environment to paint a picture for the readers. The best way to learn to write is to read professional novels, not stuff posted online. It is good start, though.

[ExplosionMare 18,007]

When the griffon first begins flying, it would benefit the story more if he was anxious when he began flying as well as when he finishes. If he is that scared of flying, it would make more sense to be nervous right away then slowly become less fearful, only to become nervous again once he becomes more aware of himself. It would also be interesting to know why Aquilla is so scared of flying. If this is a sequel, you can ignore this, but if this is a standalone story, it would be interesting to know what makes Aquilla so scared of flying in higher altitudes.

Also, in the last paragraph, there is a typo where “was” is spelled like “was”.

[Demonslayer 9]

29 minutes ago, ExplosionMare said:

When the griffon first begins flying, it would benefit the story more if he was anxious when he began flying as well as when he finishes. If he is that scared of flying, it would make more sense to be nervous right away then slowly become less fearful, only to become nervous again once he becomes more aware of himself. It would also be interesting to know why Aquilla is so scared of flying. If this is a sequel, you can ignore this, but if this is a standalone story, it would be interesting to know what makes Aquilla so scared of flying in higher altitudes.

Also, in the last paragraph, there is a typo where “was” is spelled like “was”.

I tried writing in the detail that he was so overcame by adrenaline, that he didn't notice how scared he was until he relaxed and took everything in, but it seems that i failed to explain that properly so I'll make sure to work on that in later fics. 

As for Aquillas fear of flying i didn't write in a reason because theres no real reason, not every fear stems from a traumatic event or somthing, but if you belive that it would have made things more interesting I'll make sure to flesh out character motivations in further fics also

Thanks for the feedback it means a lot and i hope you enjoyed the fic

[ExplosionMare 18,007]

On 2021-06-25 at 9:51 AM, Demonslayer said:

I tried writing in the detail that he was so overcame by adrenaline, that he didn't notice how scared he was until he relaxed and took everything in, but it seems that i failed to explain that properly so I'll make sure to work on that in later fics. 

As for Aquillas fear of flying i didn't write in a reason because theres no real reason, not every fear stems from a traumatic event or somthing, but if you belive that it would have made things more interesting I'll make sure to flesh out character motivations in further fics also

Thanks for the feedback it means a lot and i hope you enjoyed the fic

You’re welcome  

His fear origin doesn’t have to be something traumatic, you’re right. I think if you at least expanded upon his emotions more, that would help a lot. For example, a lot of people are afraid of needles and it makes them queasy even if they know shots can be good for them.

I did enjoy the fic, by the way. It was an interesting read.

Edited June 26, 2021 by ExplosionMare