My loneliness/escapism

[TwiThrowawayAccount 0]

First of all, this most likely is not for everyone, actually, its definitely not for everyone. This is a rant that I typed out after being sleep deprived for a couple days, a little tipsy, and letting my emotions get the better of me. Second of all, this is probably not the most appropriate place to put this, but I don't know where else to put this and if not I will more than happily take it down.

 

Trigger Warning

 

uhh...cringe? Yeah, this whole rant is kinda cringe. As much as I dislike that word is really does describe that rant perfectly.

 

Hello everyone, not sure if this is the appropriate place to talk about this but I really can't think of any place else, despite that I'm unsure this is the right place and me being uncomfortable expressing myself even in anonymity, I made a throwaway to chuck my thoughts into the void and see if anyone feels the way I feel, even in the slightest. Just because I'm tired of keeping this to myself.

 

I'm no stranger to escapism, I'd say it has been a vital part of my late-teen/early-adult years, which in hindsight probably explains a lot. Anyway, whether it be music, video games, books, or shows, I love to be involved as much as I can in products I love. However, for FiM it's been quite different in an unhealthy way. I've been a part of the fandom for almost a decade now (Damn, that's a sad thought, where does the time go?) and I'd say, roughly, one year I'd be really into the show and its fandom (including fanart, comics, fics, games, music, etc, etc) then id grow away or lose interest the next year, rinse and repeat for the past decade. Parallel to the pattern of interest came a pattern of, I shouldn't say depression but an almost overwhelming sense of loneliness and insecurity to the point it affects my day-to-day life. I understand it's just a show, it's just a fandom, and I should spend less time in my thoughts and more time in the present, but something about the show and the fandom envelopes me in an indescribable warmth. I've been a part of a few fandoms and have a couple of hobbies but nothing makes me feel the way the show and its fandom do. I don't know if it's just because it's been with me for so long that I just feel safe with it, or since I've been watching since an impressionable age that some wires got crossed and now I'm genuinely delusional (Joke! I think..?) And I said earlier I know it's just a show and should be treated as such, just a show, not as a real-world equivalent but something about it just makes me so...comfortable but envious at the same time. To clarify, id say the show doesn't make me as envious, it's mainly some key pieces of fanfic I happened to read at a young age that made an impression on me and I think it snowballed from there. I love the world, characters, the lore, I can't think of a thing I dislike about the show and its fandom besides a few minor nitpicky things. It's to a point that, as cringy as it sounds, really wish that world was real and I think I prefer it over my own. Not that I have a depressing or lackluster life or anything. I go out on walks everyday, I have good friends, a roof over my head, food almost every night, and plenty of amenities to keep me sane but maybe I've just grown accustomed to all that sometimes it just doesn't seem like enough? I would gladly throw myself into that world despite culture shock, lack of modern technology, general weirdness, and all the other negative side effects that would come with that hypothetical. To be honest, I've had a recurring dream for maybe, I don't know, 5 or 6 years now? Where I would wake up on the border of a field and a forest, and after walking for maybe 5 to 10 minutes I would discover a nearby town, get just close enough to recognize a few key characters and buildings before waking up, and every time I would wake up I would feel such an overwhelming feeling of...almost despair, or a feeling comparable to when you let something slip out of your grasp, that I was so close. I would never think about harming myself in any way, but I vividly remember catching myself once wishing I would go into a coma and live out that fantasy, that thought was squashed rather quickly though. I understand a light-hearted, friendly show like FiM will elicit a sense of security and happiness that prevails over the world of our own, especially with recent events both worldwide and in my personal life. It's frustrating that I can't be more involved in that world and its characters, which is why I think I gravitate towards fanfics so much, which is one of the most unhealthy things about this whole fiasco. I get so lost in some of the stories that it puts me in week-long depression and when it's over it leaves me feeling empty and unfulfilled like that story shouldn't be over yet. Maybe all of this stems from the 'unsatisfying ending' I hear so much about, I've yet to watch the final season because I'm truly scared about how it will end lol. All stories come to an end, something I normally find pleasure in is reading or watching a satisfying climax to the world I've come to love. But I personally think FiM is different. FiM is one of those stories that I wish were drawn out more, whether that means starting from the beginning (Not Twilight going to Ponyville beginning, like equestrian pre-history beginning) or just going back and getting really in-depth about the world. It's a world I feel many, myself included, would follow till the end of our life. Side note here, something that would be cool is some sort of...MMORPG-style game, similar to FFXIV or Elder Scrolls Online based on that universe, would be more than amazing, but that's a story for another day. I'm by no means a religious person, but I remember hearing an ideal that whatever you think the afterlife will be, that's what it will be, despite the end of the conscious your mind will still roam free in the world you created for it. In some ways, I hope that is true. Sorry for the tangent, as close as I am to some of my friends I could never express these feelings to them, they were never into the show and I feel like this would alienate me from them. Not that they're bad friends... it's just, I know this is all strange and probably a very messed up point of view, but it's how I feel nonetheless. Thank you to anybody who read this, it feels good to just get this out there and off my chest, even if no one reads, agrees with, or understands it. Most likely, as I said before I think my problem is just spending too much time in my head idealizing the perfect scenario instead of focusing on the present and what I have. I'm probably just overthinking everything, I've noticed sometimes I get fixated on certain worlds or stories and lose sight of why I enjoyed it in the first place, doesn't help I've been up for two daysish and have a couplea drinks in me...but whattaya gonna do? Again, thank you for taking the time to read this nonsense and my sincerest apologies if this is an inappropriate place to put up this rant thingy. I will not hesitate to take this down if need be.

[Venomous 18,813]

@TwiThrowawayAccount

Threads expressing mental distress or seeking out advice regarding personal issue belong in the Life Advice section.

However, you do not have access to that section due to lack of the appropriate number of posts. That being the case, your thread will remain in General Discussion.

Also, I altered the title a bit to make it less clustered 

[TwiThrowawayAccount 0]

5 minutes ago, The Wife of Douma said:

@TwiThrowawayAccount

Threads expressing mental distress or seeking out advice regarding personal issue belong in the Life Advice section.

However, you do not have access to that section due to lack of the appropriate number of posts. That being the case, your thread will remain in General Discussion.

Also, I altered the title a bit to make it less clustered 

I appreciate it, I'm very new to forums and still unsure how to use them, so thank you

[Clawdeen 12,109]

 I spend a good chunk of my time daydreaming of a better life and world for myself due to my own unhappiness with my current one.While my daydreams now as an adult are more everyday life sort of thing when I was younger though I used to daydream of being in the world of certain shows and games. It would actually make me severely depressed because I couldn’t be there. I would be so much happier there than here. 

Just for specifics. My teenage years I had a huge crush on Haruka Tenoh out of Sailor Moon (Sailor Uranus). I used to cry because I didn’t think I’d ever find a girlfriend in my real life like her. I’d spend a good half of my day just daydreaming of being in that world with her. I did that with Kingdom Hearts as well. I also had hoped when I died I could go someplace like those worlds.

Now my day dreaming is more everyday life ish and less being a magical girl or an organization 13 member. Being surrounded by friends, a girlfriend, having my desired appearance, killing it at my job and my boss begging me to forgive him for treating me poorly.

I had to cut back on the day dreaming as much because it was creating panic attacks. I’d spend so much time day dreaming I’d lose touch with reality. When I’d come back from being there I’d forget who I was. That I’m a real person and none of that was real. Doctor called it Maladaptive Daydreaming. Part of the reason why I wanted to be either a writer or an artist. Put my intense daydreaming to good use. I might not actually be able to be in that world but I could create these stories and share them with others based on the day dreaming I do. I could bring those daydreams to life as much as possible through writing and art.

I use it for motivation to make my current life better. I’m GOING to be that person surrounded by lots of friends, I’m going to look like that, have my dream partner and so on. Yeah I still feel that loneliness,depression and anxiety. The feelings of not liking it here. But what if I didn’t have to feel that way. What if I could have everything I daydream of and be just as happy as I am in my daydreams in real life.

I hope you’re able to get some sleep as well. I struggle with sleeping myself and it definitely doesn’t help things being sleep deprived.

[Sir Hugsalot 8,619]

You're sure that You're not me?

No, that wasn't even a joke, Your struggles are similar to mine to an uncanny level so I hope I will be able to at least provide You with some help. I will begin with saying that coming here and interacting with us is a good start to feel at least a bit better. Don't get intimidated by size of the forums, we all love seeing new people around ^^

I know how You feel. Equestria is such a serene, wholesome world, where even those dark, hard moments when some villain tries to break the peace are just passing moments, quickly dealt with by mane 6 and vast majority of villains is redeemable. It's a simple life without every day struggles of our modern, human world, everyone, well, almost, is friendly, there's beauty behind every corner. What You feel, in my opinion is not cringe. If it was then I suppose I am cringe too, for I had exactly same thoughts, going as far as to try to lucid dream my way into there. Even today, while my longing to live there is not half as extreme and doesn't lead to me becoming sad I still can say I would definitely not complain if somehow I ended up in there under a condition that I can take a certain special pony with me and she consents to that. 

Equestria really manages to tug all the strings in innocent people like me and apparently You that make it so much more appealing than the world, where humans are prone to corruption, some of us are violent and sensitive souls are often misunderstood by the society. What You feel is not unusual. 

But as person, who went through exactly what You speak of I hope I will also manage to prevent You from committing a mistake I have made. 

Try not to neglect Your real world over this. There are people, who are exactly like mane 6, for example. Real people with real passions, who, for a moment at least can take You to Equestria itself just by existing and spending time with You. And they can be online too. I am often told that I am a copy-paste of Fluttershy. A dear friend of mine and absolutely amazing person @Silk Glamour is Pinkie Pie incarnate to the point, where I half expect her to have her own party cannons at home. Friendship is magic and that magic doesn't exist in Equestria only. 

I did the mistake of drowning too deeply into that longing. It led me to complete neglect of life here and even today I have to deal with aftermath of that despite achieving balance between that, seemingly impossible dream. I did terrible mistakes, because what does it matter what I do here? My life is in Equestria. I was so stuck up with that that I missed the fact that I had my own Equestria in real world. Amazing ponies to stick around with, people who genuinely cared, laughed with me or at least didn't judge me, thinking me some quirky person with open and bright heart. I wasted that all from being careless and today it hurts. I see myself from back then in You today so I can't empaphize it enough - hold Your dreams close, but look around You. Even on forums. Those dreams can find their reflection in the real world...

Enjoy Equestria, but do Your best to enjoy this life too. You get only one chance at it as much as we all would love life to have "save/load game" buttons availible. Seek the beauty You see in Equestria here, because it exists here too despite some dark events consuming the world  

 

If You wish to speak more of it then You can always send me a DM. I truly wish You the best <3 

[Ice Princess Silky 10,811]

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh.. I was just tagged in this... @Sir Hugoholic... why?! You're gonna make me spill some secrets that I never wanted to spill 

But here goes one of them.... 

So, a few years ago a friend of mine found out that I liked MLP... I always try to put up a front as someone who is professional in her life and ambitions... but... (ok, in 2014/15 when I opened up an office... there MAY have been candies and MLP happy meal toys stashed somewhere in the private file cabinets -- for private eyes only! But that was not public! I may have listened to "enough chit chat, time is CANDY" remixes in a business suit on my way to work.... but again... all in private for motivation. Some people had cigarettes and alcohol to soothe them, I had this... Hey.. no judging... it worked, ok? )

Somehow... it managed to slip that I liked MLP in the real world and my friend gave an indifferent shrug, replied "eh, my girls like it and it's cute --" then hastily added, as if to redeem himself, "but I ain't no BRONY!! I ain't into that sissified crap." He was the type A rugged man who expected the apocalypse to happen at any moment and was readily prepared to live in the woods for it! 

I said nothing to this. What could I say to that? I simply smiled politely and changed the subject to more relevant matters.

Anyway. A time arrived when his business wasn't doing so well. It was slowly shifting to the ground and everyone was abandoning ship... even his own co-signer...

It broke my heart. So, instead of feeding the negativity and essence of doomsday, I tried to remain as positively focused on any little progress as possible! Flyers! Promotion, parties! Get-togethers! There had to be - something! Anything! And if we go down, we go down TOGETHER with confetti! At least we tried... Little by little, it started working.. Sort've? And more people started to notice, arrive and build business traffic. But it still wasn't enough!

He was slowly being consumed by debt and despair as all began to crumble around him ...but seeing that step by step in the positive direction.... (just like the MLP song: one small thing! ) he couldn't help but pause for a moment... my presence perplexed him into snapping out of his sadness and he asked me ... "W-why are you helping me? Why are you... like this?"

And again, I said nothing. I couldn't help but smile awkwardly and innocently while continuing to volunteer my efforts... The very thing that he "ain't no part of" ... was the very thing he appreciated to receive in this world... I think we all secretly do in some way or another...

There are so many other incidences like this that I can go on about but this is already so long-winded and I apologize if I became too immersed in the glimpse of that passing memory. But! Now his business is doing wonderfully! He's thinking of branching out even post-covid! It's doing better than mine after Covid forced me to closed it down  

But nevertheless -- step by step in the right direction! With the help of my close friends -- we shall achieve through the Magic of Friendship!

*hears what sounds to be people who relate more to the changlings making gag sounds but she chuckles and simply shrugs making a playfully gruff face-- I ain't no changling!* 

Gosh. I never would have responded to this post were it not for @Sir Hugoholic *happy whimper to the fond memories* ... did you know this person is practically the embodiment of Fluttershy energy?

One time we met in person and I saw him wearing a yellow pollo shirt as he smiled at me with his big blue eyes (which, btw, kinda curve upward like Fluttershy's does)  *just realized that* 

And I couldn't help but just BURST out into a gigglefit. He was so confused as he smiled innocently and asked me "What?" but that only made me laugh even more...

So yeah, please don't worry, you're not alone... even in the harshest and darkest moments of the world.... we're here. We exist. We may not be cute, marshmallow-like squishy ponies in the physical world! But we embody some of their essences and make life more tolerable despite the harshness of it all...

Also....

HAH! Did my post make it longer and become cringier than yours?   *actually sees that it was not long and then glances around the room for the nearest target, seeing @Sir Hugoholic and exclaiming* You! I was clearly speaking to you! Looks like you're gonna have to get with the program, my good sir/madame/theydies and gentlethem 

Either way! Big warm hugs from the MLP community. We understand completely and we're here if you ever need someone to talk or giggle with! c: 

[They call me Loyalty 1,941]

Yeah, I got into mlp because I was told rainbow dash and applejack were lesbians. And that is kinda hot for a straight guy like myself. But I get what you mean about feeling empty and sad after finishing with a fanfiction.

[ZiggWheelsManning 7,336]

Didn't know you once had a business Silky