My Fanfiction: A Tale of Two Fizzies Trilogy. Part 1. The Fire. (Critique wanted before posting to Fimfic. G1/Crossover adventure fic - long)

[North Star 4,540]

This chapter now has audio! Thanks to @Silly Druid for the voices of North Star, Applejack, Gusty & Posey, while I do the narration and other chars.

Chapter 1: Introduction

 

Over the crashing of a waterfall can be heard gleeful young shouts as two pegasi roar into view, racing the glittering chromatic mist of a rainbow that ends in the azure of a river below.

The turquoise pegasus lands behind her pink rival, but the latter’s hooves, slick from the watery descent, skid on smooth rocks, depositing her in the river with an unceremonious splash, and she disappears into the churning deep blue of the plunge pool. The former pegasus also slides but is more sure-hooved, barely stopping at the edge of the bank; she flicks the wet green of her mane from her face and looks into the roiling waters.

With a splash, a pink snout emerges a little way down-river, as the ‘winner’ finds her footing in the current of white-flecked rapids. Eventually, like a salmon, the pony flops herself ashore, draped in her blue mane, panting from the exertion. The turquoise pegasus is waiting for her and chuckles musically, “Well I have you beat for style anyway, Firefly.” She offers a hoof to the wet pony.

“Stupid slippery rocks!” The pony, Firefly, takes the proffered blue-green hoof and hauls herself up. “You were right behind me Medley, how come you didn’t fall in?” she says, before spreading her wings and shaking herself, duck-like, wetting her companion.

The two banter back and forth and trot along the river until a shadow falls on them from above and both look up. A pale pink pegasus glides easily down, at a distance from the mist from the waterfall – her feathers light and fluffy, unlike the sodden down of the pair on the ground. Beneath the blue of her tail ribbon, a starred compass symbol states that she is a fated explorer, just as the turquoise pony’s musical notes speak to harmony and the pink pony’s thunderbolts to energy.

“I think I saw a clearing up ahead where you can dry those wings, while we set up camp,” the mare says, smiling kindly down at Medley and Firefly, who thank the pony in turn, referring to her as 'North Star'. “I’ll guide from the air.”

The trio weave away from the river and into the surrounding forest. Soon, North Star’s hooves are brushing the deep greens of a summer canopy, while Medley and Firefly are pushing through underbrush, wet green and blue manes becoming tangled with foliage. Eventually, however, the grounded ponies are halted by a thicket. The two cry for help, but the voice and wing beats of their aerial companion have already disappeared, leaving only the crunch of hooves on leaf litter, chirps of birds and creaking of forest trees stirred by the early morning breeze.

As the two ponies try to find a way through, their ears prick up as something large appears from an unfamiliar direction, obscured by the brush and trees of the forest. They both whinny in shock, as a sudden piercing whistle sounds closer to them than expected.

At the sound, the noise comes closer. “This is why playtime proceeds from work concluded,” a matter-of-fact voice, seemingly without an owner, manifests out of the greenery, followed shortly by the light-blue, high-held head and piercing orchid eyes of another pegasus, who sports a mane of salmon-pink, pulled tight to her nape. “These woods are unfamiliar and if I had been a hungry wolf…” the newcomer chides.

The damp duo follow the pony through a hitherto unperceived gap in the thicket, still bantering with each other as the other pony, whom they call ‘Wind Whistler’, trots tight-lipped in the lead.

 ---

In another part of the forest, can be heard piercing shrieks, whoops of laughter and the cawing of startled birds in response. Underneath the canopy can be seen blurs of green, orange and white, which gallop and leap merrily through spacious undergrowth skirting a wide path through the forest. With a start, two of the ponies fall back, eyes flitting to something above which seems to drop like a stone towards the trio, while the teal unicorn continues unawares. There is a momentary hush as the latter’s hoof-step falters, before the shape cries, “Surprise!”.

At the creature's yell its wings flare, revealing to the shocked ponies on the ground that it is a startlingly white pegasus!

In response, the teal unicorn whickers and rears up, wind-milling her forehooves as her pink-gemmed eyes glint in the midday sun; her four-tone light/dark pink, green and white mane is momentarily silhouetted before she keels over and rolls down a mossy incline, ending up in a small ditch next to the path. The orange and white earth ponies who had fallen back previously prance after her, still giggling, to help her up, while the teal unicorn gives a little huff and pokes her tongue out at her assailant. As she does so, her horn lights up and a stream of bubbles flies towards the other, who rears up in turn and rolls rapidly down into the ditch after the trio, who fall like skittles, to more laughter.

As the ponies dust themselves off, they chatter happily about an upcoming camping trip. All ponies compete with each other for excitement. The teal unicorn, whom they call 'Fizzy' shouts over the white pegasus, whom they refer to as ‘Surprise’. The white earth pony calls out, “Applejack!” to her orange earth companion, before the latter, engrossed in the conversation, almost trots into a low hanging tree branch.

“Thanks Sundance!” Applejack calls back.

Merry fates mark the teal, white and orange flanks of these four ponies: sodas on Fizzy, balloons on Surprise, pink petals on Sundance and apples on Applejack.

  ----

Later that day, as the beautiful summer sun is leaning westward towards afternoon, the sound of ponies talking, punctuated by rhythmic thuds, rises from a large forest clearing. The clearing is filled by dozens of ponies, above which rear two bipedal creatures, one of whom, a ginger-haired, ruddy-skinned and freckled human boy, wields the source of the sound – a small axe, which he is using to strike a felled log. The log is being steadied by two ponies at either end: a burly, light-orange earth pony and a white, orange-maned pegasus with striking green eyes.

A unicorn mare, dark-pink fur stained from recent exertions, is standing beside a recently erected tent, looking over it with an expression of one satisfied with a job well done. Content, the mare turns her penetrating ruby-gemmed eyes, which are set in a head framed by a red, pink and white mane, towards the trio. “Need a hoof?” she offers, breathlessly. The boy pauses, wipes his brow and shakes his head, before returning to his work. The boy puts extra heft into his next strike, and the two ponies holding the log cheer as it is cleaved in two.

“We’re building the fire here, Cherries Jubilee,” the dark-pink unicorn instructs, pointing towards a partially formed ring of stones.

“No problem, Galaxy,” the hefty, light orange earth pony responds as she rears onto her hind hooves, forehooves free to roll the heavy log. The white pegasus tries to copy her, but her log does not budge and Galaxy shakes her head.

“It’s too big, Paradise; Danny," Galaxy gestures to the human, "help me roll it please.” Together, the human, unicorn and pegasus manage to roll the log to the fire, positioning it against the tip of Cherries’ log, forming the beginnings of a ring of log-seats around the makeshift firepit.

“Excellent, thank you," Galaxy says, panting from the exertion. Suddenly, with a small yelp, she skips to the side; moments later, a tent pole clatters down on the spot where she had been standing.

“Sorry Galaxy!” a white unicorn holding a teetering tent frame in her hooves calls out.

“Gusty! I told you to hammer the pegs!” comes a cry from above the tent, where a golden-yellow pegasus is now engaged in steadying it. Galaxy picks up the tent pole and hurries over to stabilise the tent-frame. Once the tent is stable, the pegasus flies a canvas over the frame and the dark turquoise and pink-streaked mane of the white pony disappears inside to tie the canvas in place. The olive-emerald eyes of the golden-yellow pegasus carefully survey the tent canvas from within the tousled frame of her teal, light blue, green and olive mane. Once the pegasus is satisfied, she and Galaxy, whose ruby eyes are similarly gemmed, peg down the canvas.

“Good job Masquerade,” Galaxy says to the golden pegasus, before adding, “You too Gusty, but try to be more careful next time.” The white unicorn nods her head apologetically towards Galaxy as she emerges from the tent flap.

This group of industrious ponies wear varied fates: the logrollers, Cherries Jubilee and Paradise, have cherries and a tropical scene respectively, while those working on the tent, the unicorn Gusty who dropped the tent pole and the pegasus, Masquerade, have leaves and masks, while the helper, Galaxy, has stars. The human Danny, not being a magical creature, lacks such a mark.

---

At the same time as the aforementioned ponies work, at the other end of the forest clearing a ring of soft-coloured ponies are watching the antics of young foals, who are squealing and shouting. “My turn on Molly!” the foals chorus as they clamber over the pink-clothed legs of a small, blond female human who is seated on the ground. This girl picks each of the little foals up in turn and gives them a spin, to chirrups of foalish delight from her playmates. One of the grown ponies surveying these antics, a blue unicorn with a majestic white ribbon on her tail, matching the fate on her flank, is sweeping kindly green eyes over the assembled foals, but at that moment she hesitates and does a double take over a seemingly innocuous patch of empty ground behind the girl,.

The mare calls out something to the others, but there is no response to her soft voice and the foals continue their play. She frowns and her brows furrow with concentration as she focuses on one of the mares observing the foalish antics, a green-maned, yellow earth pony with a magic wand on her flank. As the horn of the former sparkles a soft blue, echoing sparkles dance over the yellow-furred head of the other mare, who immediately ceases her activity of braiding daisies into the mane of the pony next to her. The braider looks towards the ribboned unicorn, nods, and gives the braidee, a yellow earth mare with a pink mane and flowered mark, a nudge; this latter, in turn, nudges a pink star-marked unicorn next to her who rises quickly to her hooves, nostrils flaring and two-tone white/purple-streaked mane swishing. “Baby North Star!?” she calls out loudly, in a voice full of concern.   

The other ponies in the circle go quiet, including the foals and the girl. “What is it, Twilight!?” Molly asks, and soon she and the foals are joining in the call for the missing baby pony. None, however, turn towards that one exploratory babe, whose unsteady hooves have taken herself now all the way to the underbrush at the edge of the clearing. This young pony resembles North Star – the scout pegasus we saw earlier.

The blue, white-ribboned unicorn rises to her hooves, eyes searching the late afternoon blue of the sky above her, until they find a shocking white pegasus – the merry pony from before: Surprise. In a second, the unicorn's horn lights up again and Surprise stops mid-flight and waggles her silly head, before flapping over and joining the calls for baby North Star. Just as the light pink hooves of the little foal disappear into the forest, the pink unicorn 'Twilight', noticing the tiny hoof-prints, shouts and points towards the wayward infant.

Once baby North Star is safely returned, the happy play of the babies resumes. The blue unicorn with the white ribbon, who also sports a warm neon blond mane streaked with a playful orange, trots up beside the two yellow earth mares who resume their mutual mane-braiding.

"That little one gave me such a fright. Are you ok, Magic Star?" she says to the green-maned pony with the wand symbol, who nods.

"And you, Posey?" she turns to the pink-maned, yellow, rose-marked mare.

"Yes, Ribbon," the two ponies reply softly, and continue their activity.

---

Some time later, the dipping sun paints the sky orange over the heads of the ponies in the clearing. Paradise and Cherries Jubilee, Gusty and Masquerade, and the human Danny, led by Galaxy, have assembled a large pile of chopped wood next to the ring of logs. A human, another blond female like Molly, though bigger, is gently petting the pink mane of Sundance with one hand, while her other hand is gesticulating at Danny.

“You can’t build the fire till you clear the ground and make a ring of stones,” she says.

"'Course you can Megan!" Danny shakes his head impatiently, "It’s getting late. Let's get the fire going!" 

The dispute prompts various responses from the ponies, who gather round them.

"C'mon! I'm freezing my fur off!" complains Firefly, the pink, racing pegasus, whose mane is still a little bedraggled from her dunking in the waterfall earlier. 

"Yeah! Some of us are only wearing ribbons," says Gusty, the white unicorn who had previously dropped a pole on Galaxy.

Danny gives Megan a smug look.

However, the girl is soon joined by a chorus of pony voices supporting her view.

"What Megan proposes is the logical order of things," comes the firm tones of Wind Whistler, the pegasus scout who had escorted the two racing pegasi back from the forest.

"And clearly the safest course," adds Ribbon, though her soft voice barely carries over the noise of the discussion.

"Don't be so impractical, girls. If the fire were to spread, we would have far more to complain about than a little chill," adds Galaxy, the gem-eyed unicorn who was helping with the tent and fire assembly.

The latter's wisdom carries a number of ponies, who murmur their assent.

Megan raises a quizzical eyebrow at Danny, who huffs and scowls, but does not immediately provide a response. 

While discussion had been proceeding, unbeknownst to the debaters, Fizzy, the teal gem-eyed unicorn from among the giggling ponies on the path earlier, had gone to whisper something into the upraised ear of her shocking, white-furred friend Surprise, who now chuckles, nods and flaps over to whisper something in Megan’s ear. After giving Sundance a last affectionate stroke, the human stands up and makes a gesture to Wind Whistler, who purses her lips and emits a powerful blast, which startles the debaters into silence.

"Listen everyone! If we just pitch in together, then the task will be a breeze," Megan addresses the perky ears and sparkling eyes of the herd. "All that's needed is to collect rocks to form a ring around the fire, and for the area around the fire to be cleared of any leaves or twigs or anything else that might burn," she explains. 

"Sounds borrring!" Danny heckles.

"Yeah!" Gusty and Firefly add in unison, prompting disapproving tuts from Ribbon, Galaxy and Wind Whistler.

Megan raises her hands for quiet. "But it needn't be a chore; as a little birdie just told me–" she winks at Fizzy, who blushes, "–it can be a game!" 

"Using your pony-tails, sweeping can be a dance!" Megan explains to upturned quizzical pony faces, with a little twirl to illustrate.

"Yeah, well I've got four left hooves, so that's me out," grumbles Cherries Jubilee, the burly earth pony who had been rolling logs for the fire earlier, a complaint echoed by a number of the bigger, louder ponies. The suggestion is, however, greeted by a soft murmur of agreement from Ribbon and the quieter ponies in the group.

 "Or," Megan continues, "stone-collecting could be a race!" 

This suggestion is greeted with more enthusiasm, until Danny heckles again: "You're just tricking us into doing chores!" 

Irritated, Megan gives a little stomp of her feet. "There will be prizes," she explains, through clenched teeth.

This suggestion is met with general approbation, and just as Danny is just about to continue barracking his sister, he is interrupted. 

"Come on slow-pony, or we'll never catch Firefly!" Surprise giggles in her high pitch, gesturing at the fast-disappearing, blue tail-ribbon of the competitive pegasus.

With a growl of, "Oh no she won't!" Danny sets off running, joined by Cherries Jubilee, Gusty and a number of other louder, more high-spirited ponies. 

As Danny and the others dash away, the more sedate ponies begin the 'task' of cleaning. "Please set us off Medley," Ribbon asks, turning to the turquoise pegasus.

"Certainly, Ribbon," the pegasus replies, and begins to sing, the notes on her flank seeming to glow gently as she engages her special talent. Megan joins in with her own strong, young voice, and soon the two are soaring together: "Somewhere, over the rainbow..." 

As Medley sings, Ribbon unties her tail ribbon and leads the dance, twirling the white fabric in the dusk to the beat of Medley's tune. Eventually, all the remaining ponies, even the quiet Magic Star and Posey, are dancing with the sweepers, whose tails soon brush the area round the camp fire clean. 

 

Next chapter

Edited May 25, 2023 by North Star

[flutterJackdash 218]

Just a warning, I can be harsh, but I don't mean to be discouraging. I like what you're doing here, I like your style for the most part, but you asked for criticism and that's what I am going to offer you. Don't be afraid to come back at me though, it's good to defend yourself or have questions; just as it is good to keep an open mind.

------------

¶ 6 - Kindly is misspelled

¶ 9 - matter-of-fact can/should be hyphenated

¶ 10 - follow should be follows, as duo, while indicative of multiple characters, is still singular in tone

¶ 11 - The word "alighting" is not being used correctly in the setting of the scene for this section, as it typically means to "settle or stay after descending" though it can also mean dismount, it still is not correct used in reference to birds on a tree who are likely taking off at the sound of shrieks, however playful they may be. It is also a monstrous paragraph, it may be worth trying to divide it up a bit to make it less overwhelming for readers. And check the position of commas therein, some are spaced improperly but not disastrously.

¶ 15 - Be mindful of your punctuation, you are placing lower-case letters after periods, or periods where commas belong.

¶ 16 - Two separate bits of dialogue shouldn't be joined within the same paragraph, though I'm having a hard time telling whether or not the speakers are two different or one and the same.

¶ 17 - Same as earlier, multiple bits of dialogue sharing a single large paragraph.

¶ 18 - Masquerade doesn't have consistent spelling in this story, at this point.

¶ 21 - This happens often throughout this introduction: Character names within dialogue are given no weight as they have no commas to make them distinct from the other parts of the dialogue, making them blend and feel lost.

¶ 22 - I see here a reference to Surprise and Heartthrob. It hits fine with Surprise, but as the other pony wasn't previously named this seems strange.

¶ 23 - I think you may have missed a word or two in this paragraph. While the meaning isn't entirely lost, it could be if context is lacking.

¶ 26 - Response should be "Responses" as it is assigned to a plural noun.

¶ 27 - This paragraph is 299 words long, which accounts for 11.85% of the whole chapter, that's quite a large paragraph if its about 1/10th the size of the chapter its part of overall. Another that could stand to be broken down. The other problem is that this one starts to feel a bit meandering in pace and direction, becoming easy to get lost in. I personally had difficult keeping track of all of the exchanges going on in this one. Biggest problem, for me at least, is that what could be handled very nicely in dialogue that helps to showcase individual personalities and opinions is all merged together and veiled behind this rather unruly block of narrative.

------------

So, that's just a little editing, to get the ball rolling. Still, I have other comments and feedback to offer here. For one, you tend to avoid producing dialogue, instead inserting introductions into the narrative of the Third Person, so that personalities and qwerks aren't exactly given any spotlight. I know this is an introduction, but it is also the first thing the reader is exposed to and so it also the first step in grabbing their attention.

The descriptions, the scenes as they are set, very good with plenty of depth to be immersive, and then dialogue is handled sporatically. It starts to feel a bit rushed at those points.

Now I feel as though you are struggling with Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, as I've gotten to about Paragraph 18. While it's fine to introduce characters in this way, the continued excessive descriptions get to be tedious for some readers and can cause them to start to tune out. Another issue is that unless the reader is taking comprehensive notes while they read, it becomes harder to keep track of all the individual characters by descriptions alone.

There's a lot of very large paragraphs that could do with being broken up and made easier to digest.

[North Star 4,540]

thanks so much for that! didn't expect to get half as detailed feedback and I reeeeally appreciate it!  I've edited the chapter in response to your points and set out the edits in the quote below - IU totally agree with what you are saying. 

 

1 hour ago, flutterJackdash said:

¶ 6 - Kindly is misspelled ~ done

¶ 9 - matter-of-fact can/should be hyphenated ~ done

¶ 10 - follow should be follows, as duo, while indicative of multiple characters, is still singular in tone ~ done

¶ 11 - The word "alighting" is not being used correctly in the setting of the scene for this section, as it typically means to "settle or stay after descending" though it can also mean dismount, it still is not correct used in reference to birds on a tree who are likely taking off at the sound of shrieks, however playful they may be. ~ done - substituted "taking off"

It is also a monstrous paragraph, it may be worth trying to divide it up a bit to make it less overwhelming for readers. And check the position of commas therein, some are spaced improperly but not disastrously. ~ done - broken the para after "Surprise!" and after the response. I like the change as I think the breaks also add a bit of suspense, but lemme know what you think.

¶ 15 - Be mindful of your punctuation, you are placing lower-case letters after periods, or periods where commas belong. ~ done - removed the periods in the dialogue

¶ 16 - Two separate bits of dialogue shouldn't be joined within the same paragraph, though I'm having a hard time telling whether or not the speakers are two different or one and the same ~ done - separated the dialogue and emphasised that the speaker is the same

¶ 17 - Same as earlier, multiple bits of dialogue sharing a single large paragraph. ~ done 

¶ 18 - Masquerade doesn't have consistent spelling in this story, at this point. ~ done 

¶ 21 - This happens often throughout this introduction: Character names within dialogue are given no weight as they have no commas to make them distinct from the other parts of the dialogue, making them blend and feel lost.  ~ working on this - in the para the names were in paraphrase so have changed that - will bear this in mind as I continue to edit

¶ 22 - I see here a reference to Surprise and Heartthrob. It hits fine with Surprise, but as the other pony wasn't previously named this seems strange. ~ done - Heartthrob had been edited out of the earlier scene in favour of Sundance so have now removed Heartthrob here.

¶ 23 - I think you may have missed a word or two in this paragraph. While the meaning isn't entirely lost, it could be if context is lacking. ~ I was struggling with this para which resulted in its uncertainty I think. I have decided to abandon what I was going for (which was mature chiding vs immature ponies) as it didn't fit the overall theme I want with these characters (basically ultra cute caring softy ponies  ). I have substituted the following which I think is also clearer and emphasises the character names more:

Once baby North Star is safely returned, the happy play of the babies resumes. The blue unicorn with the white ribbon, who also sports a warm neon blond mane streaked with a playful orange, trots up beside the two yellow earth mares who resume their mutual mane braiding. "That little one gave me such a fright. Are you ok 'Magic Star'?", she says to the green-maned pony with the wand symbol, who nods, "and you Posey?" she turns to the pink-maned yellow rose-marked mare.

"Yes Ribbon," the two ponies reply softly, and continue their activity.

¶ 26 - Response should be "Responses" as it is assigned to a plural noun. ~ done 

¶ 27 - This paragraph is 299 words long, which accounts for 11.85% of the whole chapter, that's quite a large paragraph if its about 1/10th the size of the chapter its part of overall. Another that could stand to be broken down. The other problem is that this one starts to feel a bit meandering in pace and direction, becoming easy to get lost in. I personally had difficult keeping track of all of the exchanges going on in this one. Biggest problem, for me at least, is that what could be handled very nicely in dialogue that helps to showcase individual personalities and opinions is all merged together and veiled behind this rather unruly block of narrative. ~ unpacked and developed, adding dialogue. Might return and  edit further but so far:

As the discussion proceeds, Fizzy, the teal gem-eyed unicorn one with the giggling ponies from earlier, goes to whisper something into the upraised ear of her shocking white furred friend Surprise, who chuckles, nods and flaps over to whisper something in Megan’s ear, who has a similar reaction. After giving Sundance a last affectionate stroke, the human stands up and makes a gesture to Wind Whistler, who purses her lips and emits a powerful blast which startles the different camps into silence.

In the silence Megan suggests that all the ponies join in with the fire preparation: finding stones and sweeping around the fire. Over groans from the more rambunctious ponies, she explains that the task can be made into a game. To upturned quizzical pony faces Megan explains, with a little twirl, that sweeping can be a dance and, with a sudden dash, she explains that stone collecting can be a race. Some of the more spirited ponies, and Danny, look dubious, until Megan explains that there will be prizes, a suggestion which is met with much enthusiasm, especially from just those who were mot doubtful, who immediately race off to collect rocks.

As Danny and the more competitive ponies dash away, the more sedate ponies begin the 'task' of cleaning. "Please set us off Medley," Ribbon asks, turning to the blue pegasus, whose mane was still tousled from the encounter with the waterfall earlier in the day (she is not now accompanied by her pink friend, Firefly, who had dashed off to find rocks with the other competitive ponies).

"Certainly Ribbon," the pegasus replies, and begins to sing, the notes on her flank seeming to glow gently as she engages her special talent. Megan joins in with her own strong young voice, and soon the two voices are soaring together: "Somewhere, over the rainbow..." 

As Medley sings, Ribbon unties her tail ribbon and leads the dance, twirling the white fabric in the dusk to the beat of Medley's tune. Eventually all the remaining ponies, even the quiet Magic Star and Posey, are dancing with the sweepers, whose tails soon brush the area round the camp fire clean. 

------------

So, that's just a little editing, to get the ball rolling. Still, I have other comments and feedback to offer here. For one, you tend to avoid producing dialogue, instead inserting introductions into the narrative of the Third Person, so that personalities and qwerks aren't exactly given any spotlight. I know this is an introduction, but it is also the first thing the reader is exposed to and so it also the first step in grabbing their attention. ~ this is a bad lazy habit of mine, and I will bear this in mind when editing. I have already unpacked some of those paras, but may well do more in this chap. I had a lot of fun adding in the extra characterisation  

The descriptions, the scenes as they are set, very good with plenty of depth to be immersive, and then dialogue is handled sporatically. It starts to feel a bit rushed at those points. ~ writing dialogue is definitely something I need to keep a close eye on and will look for ways to expand on the interpony dialogue when editing this chap and writing future chaps

Now I feel as though you are struggling with Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, as I've gotten to about Paragraph 18. While it's fine to introduce characters in this way, the continued excessive descriptions get to be tedious for some readers and can cause them to start to tune out. Another issue is that unless the reader is taking comprehensive notes while they read, it becomes harder to keep track of all the individual characters by descriptions alone. ~ definitely a work in progress for this chap! There are so many characters and trying to work them all in without becoming repetitive is definitely something I will return to many times over before putting this up on FiM, especially as this is such an important chap. I may well put a character key in the author notes at the bottom of the chap too (and future chaps) - to help people keep track.

There's a lot of very large paragraphs that could do with being broken up and made easier to digest. ~ very much agreed - thanks for pointing these out. Hopefully after this edit if you still fancy giving it a read over it will be smoother. 

[flutterJackdash 218]

8 minutes ago, abrony-mouse said:

thanks so much for that! didn't expect to get half as detailed feedback and I reeeeally appreciate it!  I've edited the chapter in response to your points and set out the edits in the quote above - IU totally agree with what you are saying. 

 

As the discussion proceeds, Fizzy, the teal gem-eyed unicorn one with the giggling ponies from earlier, goes to whisper something into the upraised ear of her shocking white furred friend Surprise, who chuckles, nods and flaps over to whisper something in Megan’s ear, who has a similar reaction. After giving Sundance a last affectionate stroke, the human stands up and makes a gesture to Wind Whistler, who purses her lips and emits a powerful blast which startles the different camps into silence.

In the silence Megan suggests that all the ponies join in with the fire preparation: finding stones and sweeping around the fire. Over groans from the more rambunctious ponies, she explains that the task can be made into a game. To upturned quizzical pony faces Megan explains, with a little twirl, that sweeping can be a dance and, with a sudden dash, she explains that stone collecting can be a race. Some of the more spirited ponies, and Danny, look dubious, until Megan explains that there will be prizes, a suggestion which is met with much enthusiasm, especially from just those who were mot doubtful, who immediately race off to collect rocks.

As Danny and the more competitive ponies dash away, the more sedate ponies begin the 'task' of cleaning. "Please set us off Medley," Ribbon asks, turning to the blue pegasus, whose mane was still tousled from the encounter with the waterfall earlier in the day (she is not now accompanied by her pink friend, Firefly, who had dashed off to find rocks with the other competitive ponies).

"Certainly Ribbon," the pegasus replies, and begins to sing, the notes on her flank seeming to glow gently as she engages her special talent. Megan joins in with her own strong young voice, and soon the two voices are soaring together: "Somewhere, over the rainbow..." 

As Medley sings, Ribbon unties her tail ribbon and leads the dance, twirling the white fabric in the dusk to the beat of Medley's tune. Eventually all the remaining ponies, even the quiet Magic Star and Posey, are dancing with the sweepers, whose tails soon brush the area round the camp fire clean. 

 

Okay, while this does read better... It still features precious little proper dialogue. While you mention that Megan suggests that all the ponies join in, that's a point where we can benefit from actually hearing Megan's own voice, rather than this method that feels more like a silent film. The breakdown is quite good though, does a lot to make a huge paragraph much easier to digest in smaller chunks.

Another issue now, which hasn't been one before this, is the use of parenthesis within the narrative. If you can find another way to write that part out, it will help, but the parenthetical can disrupt immersion quite quickly.

Otherwise, this is still a marked improvement. And I will read over the edits, though right now I must focus on preparing dinner for a household stricken with covid.

[North Star 4,540]

53 minutes ago, flutterJackdash said:

Okay, while this does read better... It still features precious little proper dialogue. While you mention that Megan suggests that all the ponies join in, that's a point where we can benefit from actually hearing Megan's own voice, rather than this method that feels more like a silent film. The breakdown is quite good though, does a lot to make a huge paragraph much easier to digest in smaller chunks.

Another issue now, which hasn't been one before this, is the use of parenthesis within the narrative. If you can find another way to write that part out, it will help, but the parenthetical can disrupt immersion quite quickly. ~ done - part of the unpacking made these unnecessary

Otherwise, this is still a marked improvement. And I will read over the edits, though right now I must focus on preparing dinner for a household stricken with covid. ~ thanks so much! and sorry to hear about that - hope they get better soon!

there definitely is more room still in the para - I am very happy to continue to add dialogue and characterisation as it is really fun  - thanks for pointing out the need for further expansion. Megan now says a lot more and there is much more interaction with Danny and the other ponies. There's definitely more still to do, but I'm liking the expansion.  I have put the new excerpt below:

 

Later that day the dipping sun paints the sky orange over the heads of the ponies in the clearing. Paradise and Cherries Jubilee, Gusty and Masquerade, and the human Danny, led by Galaxy, have assembled a large pile of chopped wood next to the ring of logs. A human, another blond female like Molly, though bigger, is gently petting the pink mane of Sundance with one hand, while her other hand is gesticulating at Danny. “You can’t build the fire till you clear the ground and make a ring of stones.”

"'Course you can Megan!" Danny shakes his head impatiently, "It’s getting late. Let's get the fire going!" 

The dispute prompts various responses from the ponies who gather round them.

"C'mon I'm freezing my fur off!" complains Firefly, the pink racing pegasi scout who was dunked in the waterfall earlier (and whose bedraggled mane still shows it).

"Yeah, some of us are only wearing ribbons," says Gusty, the white unicorn who had almost dropped a poll on Galaxy earlier.

Danny gives Megan a smug look.

However, the girl is soon joined by a chorus of pony voices supporting her view.

"What Megan proposes is the logical order of things," comes the firm tones of Wind Whistler, the pegasi scout who had escorted the two racing pegasi back from the forest earlier.

"And clearly the safest course." adds Ribbon, though her soft voice barely carries over the noise of the discussion.

"Don't be so impractical girls, if the fire were to spread we would have far more to complain about than a little chill." adds Galaxy, the gem eyed unicorn who was directing the tent and fire assembly. The latter's wisdom carries a number of ponies, who murmur their assent.

Megan raises a quizzical eyebrow at Danny, who huffs and scowls, but does not immediately provide a response. 

While discussion had been proceeding, unbeknownst to the debaters, Fizzy, the teal gem-eyed unicorn one with the giggling ponies from earlier, had gone to whisper something into the upraised ear of her shocking white furred friend Surprise, who now chuckles, nods and flaps over to whisper something in Megan’s ear. After giving Sundance a last affectionate stroke, the human stands up and makes a gesture to Wind Whistler, who purses her lips and emits a powerful blast which startles the debaters into silence.

"Everypony, if we just pitch in together then the task will be a breeze," she addresses the perky ears and sparkling eyes of the herd. "All that's needed is to collect rocks to form a ring around the fire, and for the area around the fire to be cleared of any leaves or twigs or anything else that might burn." she explains. 

"Sounds borrring!" Danny heckles, "Yeah!" adds Gusty and Firefly, prompting disapproving tuts from Ribbon, Galaxy and Wind Whistler.

Megan raises her hands for quiet. "But, it needn't be a chore, as a little birdie just told me," she winks at Fizzy, who blushes shyly, "It can be a game!" 

"Using your pony tails, sweeping can be a dance!" Megan explains to upturned quizzical pony faces, with a little twirl to illustrate.

"Yeah well I've got four left hooves, so that's me out." Cherries Jubilee, the burly earth pony who had been rolling logs for the fire earlier, grumbles, along with a number of the louder ponies. The suggestion is, however, greeted by a soft murmur of agreement from Ribbon and the quieter ponies in the group.

 "Or," Megan continues, "stone-collecting could be a race!" 

This suggestion is greeted with more enthusiasm until Danny heckles again: "You're just tricking us into doing chores!" 

Irritated, Megan gives a little stomp of her feet, "There will be prizes," she explains through clenched teeth.

This suggestion which is met with much more general enthusiasm and just as Danny is just about to continue barracking his sister, he is interrupted: "Come on slow-pony, or we'll never catch Firefly!" Surprise giggles in her high pitch, gesturing at the fast-disappearing blue tail-ribbon of the competitive Pegasus.

With a growl of, "Oh no she won't!" Danny sets off running, joined by Cherries Jubilee, Gusty and a number of other louder, more high spirited ponies. 

As Danny and the more competitive ponies dash away, the more sedate ponies begin the 'task' of cleaning. "Please set us off Medley," Ribbon asks, turning to the blue pegasus, whose mane was still tousled from the encounter with the waterfall earlier in the day.

"Certainly Ribbon," the pegasus replies, and begins to sing, the notes on her flank seeming to glow gently as she engages her special talent. Megan joins in with her own strong young voice, and soon the two voices are soaring together: "Somewhere, over the rainbow..." 

As Medley sings, Ribbon unties her tail ribbon and leads the dance, twirling the white fabric in the dusk to the beat of Medley's tune. Eventually all the remaining ponies, even the quiet Magic Star and Posey, are dancing with the sweepers, whose tails soon brush the area round the camp fire clean. 

[flutterJackdash 218]

15 minutes ago, abrony-mouse said:

there definitely is more room still in the para - I am very happy to continue to add dialogue and characterisation as it is really fun  - thanks for pointing out the need for further expansion. Megan now says a lot more and there is much more interaction with Danny and the other ponies. There's definitely more still to do, but I'm liking the expansion.  I have put the new excerpt below:

 

Later that day the dipping sun paints the sky orange over the heads of the ponies in the clearing. Paradise and Cherries Jubilee, Gusty and Masquerade, and the human Danny, led by Galaxy, have assembled a large pile of chopped wood next to the ring of logs. A human, another blond female like Molly, though bigger, is gently petting the pink mane of Sundance with one hand, while her other hand is gesticulating at Danny. “You can’t build the fire till you clear the ground and make a ring of stones.”

"'Course you can Megan!" Danny shakes his head impatiently, "It’s getting late. Let's get the fire going!" 

The dispute prompts various responses from the ponies who gather round them. Both humans garner some support among the different groups of ponies.

"C'mon I'm freezing my fur off!" complains Firefly, the pink racing pegasi scout who was dunked in the waterfall earlier (and whose bedraggled mane still shows it). Parenthetical items in a narrative can be disruptive to immersion, it is better to avoid the use of them unless you are writing correspondence within the story. Perhaps something like "Firefly, the pink racing pegasus, whose mane remained bedraggled and wet after she was dunked in the waterfall earlier" though the load of extra and redundant description in this section could be reworked or reduced in some way. I mean the entire section from before and after this paragraph. Earlier when I said you appeared to be struggling with Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, this is what I was referring to. It's okay to help your readers get a good grip on who the characters are, it's another thing to treat them as though they'd never keep track without constant reminders in the form of descriptions, and there's no need to shy away from stating names or using simpler descriptions.

"Yeah, some of us are only wearing ribbons," says Gusty, the white unicorn who had almost dropped a poll on Galaxy earlier.

Danny gestures to the ponies, looking a little smugly at Megan.

However, the girl is soon joined by a chorus of pony voices taking her own position:

"What Megan proposes is the logical order of things," comes the firm tones of Wind Whistler, the pegasi scout who had escorted the two racing pegasi back from the forest earlier.

"And clearly the safest course." adds Ribbon, though her soft voice barely carries over the noise of the discussion.

"Don't be so impractical girls, if the fire were to spread we would have far more to complain about than a little chill." Galaxy, the gem eyed unicorn who was directing the tent and fire making adds, her wisdom carrying a number of ponies, who murmur there assent. Just pointing out that the wrong "there" is used here.

Megan raises a quizzical eyebrow at Danny, who huffs and scowls, but does not immediately provide a response. 

While discussion had been proceeding, unbeknownst to the debaters, Fizzy, the teal gem-eyed unicorn one with the giggling ponies from earlier, had gone to whisper something into the upraised ear of her shocking white furred friend Surprise, who now chuckles, nods and flaps over to whisper something in Megan’s ear. After giving Sundance a last affectionate stroke, the human stands up and makes a gesture to Wind Whistler, who purses her lips and emits a powerful blast which startles the debaters into silence.

"Everypony, if we just pitch in together then the task will be a breeze," she addresses the perky ears and sparkling eyes of the herd. "All that's needed is to collect rocks to form a ring around the fire, and for the area around the fire to be cleared of any leaves or twigs or anything else that might burn." she explains. The period after "burn" ought to be a comma, though this is minor.

"Sounds borrring!" Danny heckles, "Yeah!" adds Gusty and Firefly, prompting disapproving tuts from Ribbon, Galaxy and Wind Whistler.

Megan raises her hands for quiet. "But, it needn't be a chore, as a little birdie just told me," she winks at Fizzy, who blushes shyly, "It can be a game!" 

To upturned quizzical pony faces Megan explains, with a little twirl, that sweeping can be a dance.

"Yeah well I've got four left hooves, so that's me out." Cherries Jubilee, the burly earth pony who had been rolling logs for the fire earlier, grumbles, along with a number of the louder ponies. The suggestion is, however, greeted by a soft murmur of agreement from Ribbon and the quieter ponies in the group.

 "Or," Megan continues, "stone-collecting could be a race!" 

This suggestion is greeted with more enthusiasm until Danny heckles again: "You're just tricking us into doing chores!" 

Megan gives a little irritated stomp of her feet and through clenched teeth explains to her little brother, and the crowd of ponies in general, that there will be prizes. Another point where she could actually say the part the narrative indicates she has said, and I have to say that this in the middle of a good amount of open dialogue is a bit disjointed.

This suggestion which is met with much more general enthusiasm and just as Danny is just about to continue barracking his sister, he is interrupted: "Come on slow-pony, or we'll never catch Firefly!" Surprise giggles in her high pitch, gesturing at the fast-disappearing blue tail-ribbon of the competitive Pegasus.

With a growl of, "Oh no she won't!" Danny sets off running, joined by Cherries Jubilee, Gusty and a number of other louder, more high spirited ponies. 

As Danny and the more competitive ponies dash away, the more sedate ponies begin the 'task' of cleaning. "Please set us off Medley," Ribbon asks, turning to the blue pegasus, whose mane was still tousled from the encounter with the waterfall earlier in the day.

"Certainly Ribbon," the pegasus replies, and begins to sing, the notes on her flank seeming to glow gently as she engages her special talent. Megan joins in with her own strong young voice, and soon the two voices are soaring together: "Somewhere, over the rainbow..." 

As Medley sings, Ribbon unties her tail ribbon and leads the dance, twirling the white fabric in the dusk to the beat of Medley's tune. Eventually all the remaining ponies, even the quiet Magic Star and Posey, are dancing with the sweepers, whose tails soon brush the area round the camp fire clean. 

This reads much better, quite a lot of improvement. You take feedback very well. You show a strong work ethic and willingness to try different things, keep up the good work.

Just to be clear, I did leave feedback within the quote as well.

Edited September 15, 2022 by flutterJackdash
Adding a note at the end of the post

[North Star 4,540]

10 minutes ago, flutterJackdash said:

 Parenthetical items in a narrative can be disruptive to immersion, it is better to avoid the use of them unless you are writing correspondence within the story. Perhaps something like "Firefly, the pink racing pegasus, whose mane remained bedraggled and wet after she was dunked in the waterfall earlier"

ooh yes - much cleaner. Will just go with that (just noticed that bracket I'd added after deleting the other one! *facehoof* )

Quote

though the load of extra and redundant description in this section could be reworked or reduced in some way. I mean the entire section from before and after this paragraph. Earlier when I said you appeared to be struggling with Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, this is what I was referring to. It's okay to help your readers get a good grip on who the characters are, it's another thing to treat them as though they'd never keep track without constant reminders in the form of descriptions, and there's no need to shy away from stating names or using simpler descriptions.

that is definitely an issue - with a previous piece of writing I had I was forever condensing description to improve flow. Before I upload to FimFic I will have a read of the whole draft a few times as that will help me to understand how the whole piece is flowing and what is clear with the ponies and what is beating a dead pastel horse I will bear that in mind as I am editing 

 

10 minutes ago, flutterJackdash said:

 Just pointing out that the wrong "there" is used here.

d'oh - changed

 

10 minutes ago, flutterJackdash said:

The period after "burn" ought to be a comma, though this is minor.

gotcha - changed

Quote

Another point where she could actually say the part the narrative indicates she has said, and I have to say that this in the middle of a good amount of open dialogue is a bit disjointed.

totally agree - have substituted the following:

Irritated, Megan gives a little stomp of her feet, "There will be prizes," she explains through clenched teeth.

This suggestion is met with much more general enthusiasm and just as Danny is just about to continue barracking his sister he is interrupted: "Come on slow-pony, or we'll never catch Firefly!" Surprise giggles in her high pitch, gesturing at the fast-disappearing blue tail-ribbon of the competitive Pegasus.

With a growl of, "Oh no she won't!" Danny sets off running, joined by Cherries Jubilee, Gusty and a number of other louder, more high spirited ponies. 

10 minutes ago, flutterJackdash said:

This reads much better, quite a lot of improvement. You take feedback very well. You show a strong work ethic and willingness to try different things, keep up the good work.

thank you! and thanks for being such an amazing editor! you're very clear and all your suggestions are absolutely on point  

[North Star 4,540]

Just want to put up the comparison between the original last paras and now, to illustrate how useful your feedback has been  

original

Quote

The dipping sun paints the sky orange over the heads of the ponies in the clearing. The industrious ponies, Paradise and Cherries Jubilee, Gusty and Masqeurade and Danny, led by Galaxy, have assembled a large pile of chopped wood next to the ring of logs. A human, another blond female like Molly, though bigger, is gently petting the pink mane of Sundance with one hand, while her other hand is gesticulating at Danny. “You can’t build the fire till you clear the ground and make a ring of stones.” Danny shakes his head impatiently, referring to the other as Meghan, and responding that it’s too late and he wants to make the fire immediately.

Both positions garner support among the ponies. Firefly, one of the racing pegasi scouts, and Gusty, the clumsy tent-building pony support Danny. Meghan’s view is taken by Ribbon, the softly spoken blue unicorn who had been caring for the baby ponies, Wind Whistler, the precise pegasi scout, and Galaxy, the gem eyed unicorn who was directing the tent and fire making.

As the discussion proceeds, Fizzy, one of the giggling ponies from before, goes to whisper something into the upraised ear of her shocking white furred friend Surprise, who chuckles, nods and flaps over to whisper something in Meghan’s ear, who has a similar reaction. After giving Sundance a last affectionate stroke, she stands up and makes a gesture to Wind Whistler, who purses her lips and emits a powerful blast which startles the different camps into silence. The ponies all turn to Windwhistler and then to Meghan, who suggests that they all join in with finding stones and sweeping around the fire, a suggestion which is met by groans, especially from the baby ponies, but she raises her hand for quiet and continues that the task should be made into a game: sweeping can be a dance and stone collecting can be a race – with prizes for the pony with the best moves, or most rocks. This suggestion is met with much more enthusiasm, with the more rambunctious ponies, led by Firefly, racing to collect rocks, while Ribbon unties her tail ribbon and performs a ribbon dance as Medley sings gaily, leading the dancing for the sweepers, whose tails soon brush the area round the camp fire clean. 

Current

Quote

Later that day the dipping sun paints the sky orange over the heads of the ponies in the clearing. Paradise and Cherries Jubilee, Gusty and Masquerade, and the human Danny, led by Galaxy, have assembled a large pile of chopped wood next to the ring of logs. A human, another blond female like Molly, though bigger, is gently petting the pink mane of Sundance with one hand, while her other hand is gesticulating at Danny. “You can’t build the fire till you clear the ground and make a ring of stones.”

"'Course you can Megan!" Danny shakes his head impatiently, "It’s getting late. Let's get the fire going!" 

The dispute prompts various responses from the ponies who gather round them.

"C'mon I'm freezing my fur off!" complains Firefly, the pink racing pegasus, whose mane remained bedraggled and wet after she was dunked in the waterfall earlier. 

"Yeah, some of us are only wearing ribbons," says Gusty, the white unicorn who had almost dropped a poll on Galaxy earlier.

Danny gives Megan a smug look.

However, the girl is soon joined by a chorus of pony voices supporting her view.

"What Megan proposes is the logical order of things," comes the firm tones of Wind Whistler, the pegasi scout who had escorted the two racing pegasi back from the forest earlier.

"And clearly the safest course." adds Ribbon, though her soft voice barely carries over the noise of the discussion.

"Don't be so impractical girls, if the fire were to spread we would have far more to complain about than a little chill." adds Galaxy, the gem eyed unicorn who was directing the tent and fire assembly. The latter's wisdom carries a number of ponies, who murmur their assent.

Megan raises a quizzical eyebrow at Danny, who huffs and scowls, but does not immediately provide a response. 

While discussion had been proceeding, unbeknownst to the debaters, Fizzy, the teal gem-eyed unicorn one with the giggling ponies from earlier, had gone to whisper something into the upraised ear of her shocking white furred friend Surprise, who now chuckles, nods and flaps over to whisper something in Megan’s ear. After giving Sundance a last affectionate stroke, the human stands up and makes a gesture to Wind Whistler, who purses her lips and emits a powerful blast which startles the debaters into silence.

"Everypony, if we just pitch in together then the task will be a breeze," she addresses the perky ears and sparkling eyes of the herd. "All that's needed is to collect rocks to form a ring around the fire, and for the area around the fire to be cleared of any leaves or twigs or anything else that might burn," she explains. 

"Sounds borrring!" Danny heckles, "Yeah!" adds Gusty and Firefly, prompting disapproving tuts from Ribbon, Galaxy and Wind Whistler.

Megan raises her hands for quiet. "But it needn't be a chore, as a little birdie just told me," she winks at Fizzy, who blushes shyly, "It can be a game!" 

"Using your pony tails, sweeping can be a dance!" Megan explains to upturned quizzical pony faces, with a little twirl to illustrate.

"Yeah well I've got four left hooves, so that's me out." grumbles Cherries Jubilee, the burly earth pony who had been rolling logs for the fire earlier, a complaint echoed by a number of the bigger, louder ponies. The suggestion is, however, greeted by a soft murmur of agreement from Ribbon and the quieter ponies in the group.

 "Or," Megan continues, "stone-collecting could be a race!" 

This suggestion is greeted with more enthusiasm until Danny heckles again: "You're just tricking us into doing chores!" 

Irritated, Megan gives a little stomp of her feet, "There will be prizes," she explains through clenched teeth.

This suggestion which is met with much more general enthusiasm and just as Danny is just about to continue barracking his sister, he is interrupted: "Come on slow-pony, or we'll never catch Firefly!" Surprise giggles in her high pitch, gesturing at the fast-disappearing blue tail-ribbon of the competitive Pegasus.

With a growl of, "Oh no she won't!" Danny sets off running, joined by Cherries Jubilee, Gusty and a number of other louder, more high spirited ponies. 

As Danny and the more competitive ponies dash away, the more sedate ponies begin the 'task' of cleaning. "Please set us off Medley," Ribbon asks, turning to the blue pegasus, whose mane was still tousled from the encounter with the waterfall earlier in the day.

"Certainly Ribbon," the pegasus replies, and begins to sing, the notes on her flank seeming to glow gently as she engages her special talent. Megan joins in with her own strong young voice, and soon the two voices are soaring together: "Somewhere, over the rainbow..." 

As Medley sings, Ribbon unties her tail ribbon and leads the dance, twirling the white fabric in the dusk to the beat of Medley's tune. Eventually all the remaining ponies, even the quiet Magic Star and Posey, are dancing with the sweepers, whose tails soon brush the area round the camp fire clean. 

 

[flutterJackdash 218]

22 minutes ago, abrony-mouse said:

ooh yes - much cleaner. Will just go with that (just noticed that bracket I'd added after deleting the other one! *facehoof* )

that is definitely an issue - with a previous piece of writing I had I was forever condensing description to improve flow. Before I upload to FimFic I will have a read of the whole draft a few times as that will help me to understand how the whole piece is flowing and what is clear with the ponies and what is beating a dead pastel horse I will bear that in mind as I am editing 

 

d'oh - changed

 

gotcha - changed

totally agree - have substituted the following:

Irritated, Megan gives a little stomp of her feet, "There will be prizes," she explains through clenched teeth.

This suggestion is met with much more general enthusiasm and just as Danny is just about to continue barracking his sister he is interrupted: "Come on slow-pony, or we'll never catch Firefly!" Surprise giggles in her high pitch, gesturing at the fast-disappearing blue tail-ribbon of the competitive Pegasus.

With a growl of, "Oh no she won't!" Danny sets off running, joined by Cherries Jubilee, Gusty and a number of other louder, more high spirited ponies. 

thank you! and thanks for being such an amazing editor! you're very clear and all your suggestions are absolutely on point  

I'm quite happy to help, and I'm glad that I am being any help at all. The new edits look great, by the way.

[Peace Petal 9]

I noticed you gave Wind Whistler brown eyes. In the series she has pink eyes. Was this an error, or was it deliberate?

22 hours ago, abrony-mouse said:

In another part of the forest, a long way from the five colorful pegasi

Weren't there four? Firefly, Medley, North Star, and Wind Whistler, right?

 

22 hours ago, abrony-mouse said:

the white unicorn who had almost dropped a poll on Galaxy earlier.

I think you mean "pole," not "poll."

[North Star 4,540]

@Peace Petal!  didn't know you were on MLPF! Been a while pony friend.

thanks for the comments  completely missed these mistakes despite reading through a few times.

1 hour ago, Peace Petal said:

I noticed you gave Wind Whistler brown eyes. In the series she has pink eyes. Was this an error, or was it deliberate?

this was a mistake based on the animated series, but actually I can see why they gave her brown eyes in the animated series - it suits her well I think, so I may keep that with a disclaimer to pony fans 

 

 

1 hour ago, Peace Petal said:

Weren't there four? Firefly, Medley, North Star, and Wind Whistler, right?

yup here were four! I am a silly pony - have changed it

 

1 hour ago, Peace Petal said:

I think you mean "pole," not "poll."

yup - made that mistake throughout - weird blind spot for that spelling. Have changed it

[Peace Petal 9]

3 minutes ago, abrony-mouse said:

didn't know you were on MLPF! Been a while pony friend.

I don't come here very often. I saw your post on Reddit, so that's how I ended up here. flutterJackdash's more extensive commentary prompted me to read this a little more thoroughly. I'm currently working on a massive set of suggestions and edits. Give me another hour or so.

[North Star 4,540]

1 minute ago, Peace Petal said:

I don't come here very often. I saw your post on Reddit, so that's how I ended up here. flutterJackdash's more extensive commentary prompted me to read this a little more thoroughly. I'm currently working on a massive set of suggestions and edits. Give me another hour or so.

omg you are an editor too! that is fantastic - thank you so much! I never expected to get much traction by posting it here tbh and the amount of high quality input I'm getting is amazing   

[Peace Petal 9]

Oh, wow. flutterJackdash's extensive commentary made me feel like I could do a more thorough edit of this thing. Let's see...

I noticed you wrote the story in present tense. That's a little unconventional, but it works just fine if that's what you're most comfortable with (and if you maintain consistency).

I love the way you start this story, with imagery beckoning the very first scene of "Rescue at Midnight Castle." Lovely!

¶3: Capitalize the word "she" at the beginning of the last sentence.

¶4: Capitalize the word "the" at the beginning of the second sentence.

¶6: At the end of the first sentence, replace the period with a comma. That's how dialogue tags work. Also, replace the word "thanks" with "thank." You have two pegasi here, so the verb should be conjugated for the plural.

¶9: After the word "concluded" you should have a comma, not a period.

¶11: Replace "a blur" with "blurs." There are multiple ponies, after all, and later you conjugate "gallop and leap" in the plural.

¶13: "In response ,the..." You have put the space on the wrong side of the comma. Also, you said Fizzy "wickers." Wicker is a type of furniture. I think you've accidentally rolled together the words "nicker" and "whinny," both of which are horse vocalizations. You also say "galloping her hooves" as she's rearing up. Galloping is technically a stride, the horse equivalent to sprinting, so I don't think it applies here since she is rearing up and not running. Also, you describe Fizzy's eyes as red. They always appeared more of a pink to me, but I am color blind, so what do I know? You also describe her mane as three-tone; there are definitely four colors in there: light pink, dark pink, green, and white.

¶14: This second sentence is definitely a run-on. I'd recommend rewriting it to make several sentences. Certainly by the time you get to Sundance's introduction, that definitely needs to be a period after "tree-branch" rather than a comma. In the last sentence, that semicolon after "Surprise" before "pink petals" should be a comma.

¶15: You have left out the commas that should separate a list of adjectives. For example, "ginger-haired, ruddy-skinned", (I also added a necessary hyphen there) "burly, light orange", and "white, orange-maned" (another missing hyphen).

I just noticed that in some cases you capitalize Pegasus or Pegasi and in other cases you leave it lowercase (pegasus or pegasi). You should definitely stick to one or the other. As for which, I prefer leaving pegasus uncapitalized because it is a biological division. It'd be like capitalizing Human--that's just weird. But I've seen some fanfic writers leave it capitalized, so that's up to you. But you should definitely pick one and stick with it.

¶16: That colon after "trio" should definitely just be a period.

¶19: The way Galaxy directs Danny instead of helping herself makes it seem a bit like Galaxy is trying to avoid work. You don't have to change this; it's not a grammar error. It's just that I take slight issue about what it implies about Galaxy's character. Also, the dash in Galaxy's dialogue is unnecessary. I would replace it with a comma.

¶21: This is a run-on sentence. Replace the comma after "exertion" with a period. Also, the way you've described Galaxy's movement is unclear. I assume from the flash of the horn that she briefly winked out, but since you use the word "skipped" it also kind of sounds like she simply jumped with her legs. If she did wink out, I'd add a brief visual description of the magic. "She disappeared in a flash of sparkles" or something like that. Also, it's not a "tent-poll." It's a "tent pole." No hyphen needed.

¶23: I believe "golden-yellow" should have a hyphen. This applies to the other times you used that color, as well. However, at the end of the second sentence, "tent-frame" does not need that hyphen (replace with "tent frame"). Also, I don't think you need to say "olive-emerald green." "Olive-emerald" will be just fine, since that's clearly green already. It's just redundant the way you worded it. In that same sentence, replace "surveys" with "survey." She has two eyes, so it should be conjugated to the plural. Later in that sentence when you're describing her mane, you don't need the hyphen in "light-blue" (replace with "light blue").

¶24: Replace the period after "Masquerade" with a comma.

¶26: Add a hyphen to "pink-clothed."

¶27: After the word "flank" in the second sentence, you should add a comma. Also, I love how you've used Ribbon's magical abilities in this scene to get the attention of the other mares when her voice is too quiet, but I'm not sure if someone who is unfamiliar with G1 would understand what's happened. Her horn lit up and somehow that got the attention of Magic Star, but it's not really clear that there was telepathy going on. Also in this second sentence, you've used a hyphen (short line) where you should have used a dash (long line). Now I'm afraid there may be other such errors in the rest of the story, but I don't really have time to check through all of it. So here's the rule: hyphens are used to connect two related words, like golden-yellow. Dashes control sentence structure, acting as a break between phrases. It seems like you've mostly used dashes correctly, but in this instance your hand probably slipped and you made the line too short. Also, I see that you generally put a space before and after your dashes. That's not actually necessary. The longer line should make it plenty clear that there is a break in the sentence.

¶28: You don't need to capitalize the word "Scout" near the end of the last sentence (replace with "scout").

¶29: "The blue-ribboned unicorn..." Her ribbon is white. I'd reword this: "The ribboned, blue unicorn..." Although, it is a little tricky to call the ribboned unicorn, because technically they all have ribbons.

¶30: Towards the end of this paragraph, when Ribbon says, "Are you ok Magic Star?" you do not need the comma after her dialogue. Delete that. This sentence is running on. After "nods," replace the comma with a period.

I noticed that you started several new scenes with the same phrase, "Later that day..." I'd change a couple of them to avoid being repetitive.

I'm surprised that Firefly is still wet considering she first got wet in the early morning and now the sun is setting. Perhaps they live in a humid climate, but it is summer, so the day was probably pretty warm.

¶39: You say "the pegasi scout..." Wind Whistler is only one pegasus, singular. Replace with "the pegasus scout..."

¶40: Replace the period after "course" with a comma.

¶41: Replace the period after "chill" with a comma. Add a hyphen to "gem-eyed."

¶43: Add a hyphen to "white-furred."

¶44: The pronoun is unclear. Who is speaking here, Wind Whistler or Megan?

¶45: Replace the comma after "heckles" with a period, and then break paragraphs. You can't have dialogue from multiple characters in the same paragraph. Change "adds" to "add" because there are two of them.

¶46: After "me," replace the comma with a period (and capitalize the "she" after that). Also replace the comma after "shyly" with a period. Otherwise this is a run-on sentence. Also, I wouldn't really expect the word "shyly" to describe Fizzy. She always struck me as one of the more outgoing ponies.

¶48: Replace the period after "out" with a comma.

¶51: Replace the comma after "feet" with a period.

¶52: The colon is simply not necessary. Replace it with a period.

¶53: Add a hyphen to "high-spirited."

 

Well, I have some overall thoughts. Obviously I did a lot of grammar nitpicking. There are probably some things I missed. There seem to be a few general trends: There are several run-on sentences, necessitating punctuation adjustments. There are also some problematic uses of punctuation around dialogue. Dialogue has very particular rules for how punctuation works, so I'd suggest reviewing that. There are also a lot of misused hyphens or missing hyphens, so that's another rule set I'd suggest reviewing.

However, don't be discouraged by all of this! It was interesting enough that I took the time to slow down and nitpick the grammar. And grammar in fan fiction does not by any means need to be perfect. If you were trying to publish this as a hardbound book at Barnes and Nobles that would be a different matter. I will admit, however, that the punctation errors were numerous enough that the first time I kind of skimmed the story so my eyes could avoid the mistakes. Fixing the errors will help the readers slow down and enjoy the story more.

There are some things you did very, very right, however! I am amazed that you managed to be 100% totally consistent about present tense. I didn't see a single tense error! You are also extremely good at describing things. There are a lot of beautiful images and sounds in the story, and it never gets too laborious to where it's boring. You used a healthy, wide range of vocabulary.

As for the story as a whole, I liked it. The G1 ponies were always getting terrorized by some villain or another, so it's nice to see these characters just relaxing for at least one chapter. I will echo the concerns of flutterJackdash and say that there are a lot of characters to keep track of. I had an easy time of it because I know them already (in fact I usually figured out who you were describing just off the colors even before you gave their names). But I fear any G4 fans who are unfamiliar with G1 will quickly become lost. One way to solve this would simply be to reduce the total number of ponies who show up in the story. When I write G1 fanfic I try to focus in on just a few ponies because there are so many of them. And a lot of G1 episodes do the same, in fact. There are usually maybe three or four ponies who get a more prominent role in a single arc. But you don't have to change it if you don't want to. Although their appearances are brief, I do think the personalities of these characters came through decently well.

Overall I'd say grammar is a weakness in this story, while descriptions are an obvious strength. There are a lot of characters to keep track of, so that can be daunting, but I really appreciate the more relaxed feel of this chapter. It might be a little intimidating to a non-G1 fan since you introduce so many characters (and you seem to mention unicorn magic rather casually as though the audience already knows how it works, see my notes for paragraphs 21 and 27). I can't comment on this from the perspective of somepony who doesn't know G1, but that will be the majority of your readers on fimfiction. It's just something to be aware of and possibly edit. Although I wouldn't want to try to gut this whole story to make it more brony-friendly; it's really good as it is!

Edited September 16, 2022 by Peace Petal

[North Star 4,540]

@Peace Petal thank you!  I wish I could take all those comments in right now but I'm going out in a sec. Having skimmed them that is an amazing amount of detail which will massively improve the story once I have time to take all those in (prolly Sunday). I'm glad you liked the descriptions - I love the whimsy of the pony world and it's probably the thing I most enjoy doing with the writing. That all makes me want to squeeze out the grammar errors!  

[flutterJackdash 218]

Hey, to be fair, FIrefly being wet is actually on me. The original draft didn't include that detail, only the word "bedraggled" in reference to her mane, it was with one of my suggestions that the word wet came in, and that was my input entirely.

[North Star 4,540]

On 2022-09-16 at 7:39 PM, Peace Petal said:

Oh, wow. flutterJackdash's extensive commentary made me feel like I could do a more thorough edit of this thing. Let's see...

I noticed you wrote the story in present tense. That's a little unconventional, but it works just fine if that's what you're most comfortable with (and if you maintain consistency).

I love the way you start this story, with imagery beckoning the very first scene of "Rescue at Midnight Castle." Lovely! ~ glad you noticed that!

¶3: Capitalize the word "she" at the beginning of the last sentence. ~ done 

¶4: Capitalize the word "the" at the beginning of the second sentence. ~ done (was confused for a bit, but for the first time in my ungrammatical life I now understand the concept of a "Said tag" thanks to the FiM article on writing dialogue. I just thought dialogue had weird grammar   )

¶6: At the end of the first sentence, replace the period with a comma. That's how dialogue tags work. ~ done 

Also, replace the word "thanks" with "thank." You have two pegasi here, so the verb should be conjugated for the plural. ~ done (got confused again due to the subject switching there - well spotted!)

¶9: After the word "concluded" you should have a comma, not a period. ~ done

¶11: Replace "a blur" with "blurs." There are multiple ponies, after all, and later you conjugate "gallop and leap" in the plural. ~ done. (Was confused for a sec as 'blur' is usually an adjective but is sort of a noun there)   

¶13: "In response ,the..." You have put the space on the wrong side of the comma. ~ done.

Also, you said Fizzy "wickers." Wicker is a type of furniture. I think you've accidentally rolled together the words "nicker" and "whinny," both of which are horse vocalizations. ~ semi done - I had mispelled Whicker. Whicker is British English (here) which is my dialect.

You also say "galloping her hooves" as she's rearing up. Galloping is technically a stride, the horse equivalent to sprinting, so I don't think it applies here since she is rearing up and not running. ~ done - have replaced with "windmilled her hooves" (as used eg here)

Also, you describe Fizzy's eyes as red. They always appeared more of a pink to me, but I am color blind, so what do I know? You also describe her mane as three-tone; there are definitely four colors in there: light pink, dark pink, green, and white. ~ done, well spotted again!

¶14: This second sentence is definitely a run-on. I'd recommend rewriting it to make several sentences. Certainly by the time you get to Sundance's introduction, that definitely needs to be a period after "tree-branch" rather than a comma. ~ done - colons always make me want to do runon sentences, so have removed that and punctuated it properly adding a para for the new speaker too: All ponies compete with each other for excitement. The teal unicorn, whom they call 'Fizzy' shouts over the white pegasus, whom they refer to as ‘Surprise’. The white earth pony calls out, “Applejack!” to her orange earth companion, before the latter, engrossed in the conversation, almost trots into a low hanging tree-branch.

“Thanks Sundance!” Applejack calls back.

 

In the last sentence, that semicolon after "Surprise" before "pink petals" should be a comma. ~ done

¶15: You have left out the commas that should separate a list of adjectives. For example, "ginger-haired, ruddy-skinned",  ~ done

(I also added a necessary hyphen there) "burly, light orange", and "white, orange-maned" (another missing hyphen).  ~ done, and have checked the rules on hyphens here - I often use two words together as adjectives before nouns like this, so this is a big thing for me to understand and that was very helpful, thanks!

I just noticed that in some cases you capitalize Pegasus or Pegasi and in other cases you leave it lowercase (pegasus or pegasi). You should definitely stick to one or the other. As for which, I prefer leaving pegasus uncapitalized because it is a biological division. It'd be like capitalizing Human--that's just weird. But I've seen some fanfic writers leave it capitalized, so that's up to you. But you should definitely pick one and stick with it.  . ~ done by using lower case only - my word processor insists that pegasus is a proper noun of some old Greek horse. Silly word processor  

¶16: That colon after "trio" should definitely just be a period. ~ done

¶19: The way Galaxy directs Danny instead of helping herself makes it seem a bit like Galaxy is trying to avoid work. You don't have to change this; it's not a grammar error. It's just that I take slight issue about what it implies about Galaxy's character. ~ made an attempt to address my unfortunate calumny of one of my fave ponies . I was going for Galaxy as a director-pony supervising their work. Have added the following to emphasise that she's more than happy to put her back into the work:

A unicorn mare, dark-pink fur stained from recent exertions, is standing beside a recently erected tent, looking over it with an expression of one satisfied with a job well done. Content, the mare turns her penetrating ruby gemmed eyes,...

Also, the dash in Galaxy's dialogue is unnecessary. I would replace it with a comma. ~ agreed but have changed the phrase rather than lose the pause from the dash - I wanted there to be a short pause there while she turns to Danny (my mistake as I should have written in the pause properly) so have replaced with “It’s too big Paradise; Danny," Galaxy gestures to the human, "help her roll it please.”

¶21: This is a run-on sentence. Replace the comma after "exertion" with a period. ~ done

Also, the way you've described Galaxy's movement is unclear. I assume from the flash of the horn that she briefly winked out, but since you use the word "skipped" it also kind of sounds like she simply jumped with her legs. If she did wink out, I'd add a brief visual description of the magic. "She disappeared in a flash of sparkles" or something like that. ~ agreed - I was going for Galaxy's unicorn intuition rather than winking out here, so have removed the flash of horn as intuition is less obvious magic. I hope that improving the grammar of the sentence has also made it clearer what the sequence of events is:

Suddenly, with a small yelp, she skips to the side; moments later, a tent pole clatters down on the spot where she had been standing.

Also, it's not a "tent-poll." It's a "tent pole." No hyphen needed. ~ done, hyphens are my Achilles heel

¶23: I believe "golden-yellow" should have a hyphen. This applies to the other times you used that color, as well.~ done

However, at the end of the second sentence, "tent-frame" does not need that hyphen (replace with "tent frame"). ~ done

Also, I don't think you need to say "olive-emerald green." "Olive-emerald" will be just fine, since that's clearly green already. It's just redundant the way you worded it.~ done. 

In that same sentence, replace "surveys" with "survey." She has two eyes, so it should be conjugated to the plural. Later in that sentence when you're describing her mane, you don't need the hyphen in "light-blue" (replace with "light blue"). .~ done. 

¶24: Replace the period after "Masquerade" with a comma..~ done. 

¶26: Add a hyphen to "pink-clothed." .~ done. 

¶27: After the word "flank" in the second sentence, you should add a comma. Also, I love how you've used Ribbon's magical abilities in this scene to get the attention of the other mares when her voice is too quiet, but I'm not sure if someone who is unfamiliar with G1 would understand what's happened. Her horn lit up and somehow that got the attention of Magic Star, but it's not really clear that there was telepathy going on..~ done. Added description here to explain what is happening and also to emphasise the magic 

The blue unicorn mare calls out something to the others, but there is no response to her soft voice and the foals continue their play. The unicorn frowns and her brows furrow with concentration as she focuses on one of the mares observing the foalish antics, a green-maned yellow earth pony with a magic wand on her flank. As the horn of the former sparkles a soft blue, echoing sparkles dance over the yellow-furred head of the other mare, who immediately ceases her activity of braiding daisies into the mane of the mare next to her.

Also in this second sentence, you've used a hyphen (short line) where you should have used a dash (long line). Now I'm afraid there may be other such errors in the rest of the story, but I don't really have time to check through all of it. So here's the rule: hyphens are used to connect two related words, like golden-yellow. Dashes control sentence structure, acting as a break between phrases. It seems like you've mostly used dashes correctly, but in this instance your hand probably slipped and you made the line too short. Also, I see that you generally put a space before and after your dashes. That's not actually necessary. The longer line should make it plenty clear that there is a break in the sentence. ~ done. 

¶28: You don't need to capitalize the word "Scout" near the end of the last sentence (replace with "scout"). ~ done. 

¶29: "The blue-ribboned unicorn..." Her ribbon is white. I'd reword this: "The ribboned, blue unicorn..." Although, it is a little tricky to call the ribboned unicorn, because technically they all have ribbons. ~ done - added the white ribbon, I am emphasising this for a story reasonwhich will come up later.

¶30: Towards the end of this paragraph, when Ribbon says, "Are you ok Magic Star?" you do not need the comma after her dialogue. Delete that. ~ done. 

This sentence is running on. After "nods," replace the comma with a period. ~ done. 

I noticed that you started several new scenes with the same phrase, "Later that day..." I'd change a couple of them to avoid being repetitive. ~ done. 

I'm surprised that Firefly is still wet considering she first got wet in the early morning and now the sun is setting. Perhaps they live in a humid climate, but it is summer, so the day was probably pretty warm. ~ done. 

¶39: You say "the pegasi scout..." Wind Whistler is only one pegasus, singular. Replace with "the pegasus scout..." ~ done. 

¶40: Replace the period after "course" with a comma.~ done. 

¶41: Replace the period after "chill" with a comma. ~ done. 

Add a hyphen to "gem-eyed."~ done. 

¶43: Add a hyphen to "white-furred."~ done. 

¶44: The pronoun is unclear. Who is speaking here, Wind Whistler or Megan? ~ done. (It was Megan)

¶45: Replace the comma after "heckles" with a period, and then break paragraphs. You can't have dialogue from multiple characters in the same paragraph. ~ done. 

Change "adds" to "add" because there are two of them.~ done. 

¶46: After "me," replace the comma with a period (and capitalize the "she" after that). ~ done.  

Also replace the comma after "shyly" with a period. Otherwise this is a run-on sentence. ~ done. 

Also, I wouldn't really expect the word "shyly" to describe Fizzy. She always struck me as one of the more outgoing ponies. ~ done. 

¶48: Replace the period after "out" with a comma. ~ done. 

¶51: Replace the comma after "feet" with a period. ~ done. 

¶52: The colon is simply not necessary. Replace it with a period. ~ done. 

¶53: Add a hyphen to "high-spirited." ~ done. 

 

Well, I have some overall thoughts. Obviously I did a lot of grammar nitpicking. There are probably some things I missed. There seem to be a few general trends: There are several run-on sentences, necessitating punctuation adjustments. There are also some problematic uses of punctuation around dialogue. Dialogue has very particular rules for how punctuation works, so I'd suggest reviewing that. There are also a lot of misused hyphens or missing hyphens, so that's another rule set I'd suggest reviewing.  ~ thanks for the pointers. I have looked up guides on hyphens, dialogue and dashes and found them useful - especially the dialogue guide, although it is probably more of a WiP with the dashes and hyphens 

However, don't be discouraged by all of this! It was interesting enough that I took the time to slow down and nitpick the grammar. And grammar in fan fiction does not by any means need to be perfect. If you were trying to publish this as a hardbound book at Barnes and Nobles that would be a different matter. I will admit, however, that the punctation errors were numerous enough that the first time I kind of skimmed the story so my eyes could avoid the mistakes. Fixing the errors will help the readers slow down and enjoy the story more. ~ thanks so much for the help with it! I had no idea I was getting those parts of grammar so consistently wrong, and I have learned a lot just following your advice. I am kinda bowled over by how helpful you both have been with this, it does mean a lot to me - bronies can be awesome!

There are some things you did very, very right, however! I am amazed that you managed to be 100% totally consistent about present tense. I didn't see a single tense error! You are also extremely good at describing things. There are a lot of beautiful images and sounds in the story, and it never gets too laborious to where it's boring. You used a healthy, wide range of vocabulary. ~ thanks glad you liked these aspects

As for the story as a whole, I liked it. The G1 ponies were always getting terrorized by some villain or another, so it's nice to see these characters just relaxing for at least one chapter. I will echo the concerns of flutterJackdash and say that there are a lot of characters to keep track of. I had an easy time of it because I know them already (in fact I usually figured out who you were describing just off the colors even before you gave their names). But I fear any G4 fans who are unfamiliar with G1 will quickly become lost. One way to solve this would simply be to reduce the total number of ponies who show up in the story. When I write G1 fanfic I try to focus in on just a few ponies because there are so many of them. And a lot of G1 episodes do the same, in fact. There are usually maybe three or four ponies who get a more prominent role in a single arc. But you don't have to change it if you don't want to. Although their appearances are brief, I do think the personalities of these characters came through decently well. ~ this is a decision I wanted for the story - the aim to help people get to know the characters is to cluster the ponies into roughly 4 groups: the kind fluttersy-esque ponies (Magic Star, Twilight, Posey) led by Ribbon; the industrious hard-working/skill-based ponies (Cherries Jubilee, Masquerade, Paradise, Gusty) led by Galaxy; the bubbly fun-loving ponies (Surprise, Fizzy, Sundance, Applejack) with no leader because they are too silly to lead  ; the pegasi scouts (North Star, Medley, Firefly) led by Wind Whistler. I will emphasise these groupings in the author notes or at the bottom of the story when I post to Fimfic, alongside pictures of each pony to help the reader out. The story will be very long if I manage to complete it (I already have more than 40K words drafted), and this intro needs to be this broad to encompass all the crazy character interactions that are gonna happen.

Overall I'd say grammar is a weakness in this story, while descriptions are an obvious strength. There are a lot of characters to keep track of, so that can be daunting, but I really appreciate the more relaxed feel of this chapter. It might be a little intimidating to a non-G1 fan since you introduce so many characters (and you seem to mention unicorn magic rather casually as though the audience already knows how it works, see my notes for paragraphs 21 and 27). I can't comment on this from the perspective of somepony who doesn't know G1, but that will be the majority of your readers on fimfiction. It's just something to be aware of and possibly edit. Although I wouldn't want to try to gut this whole story to make it more brony-friendly; it's really good as it is! ~ thanks - and I totally take your point about the magic. Hopefully with the pointers you have already given I will be able to shore up the grammar side and maintain the strengths on the description side because there is a whole lot more content coming!  

thanks so much for your help with this @Peace Petal - my responses are in bold in the quote above. I am so thankful you gave this the time to ferret out so many grammatical and other errors and highlight some general weaknesses in my grammar which were holding back my writing  *so many hugs to you and @flutterJackdash *

[Peace Petal 9]

1 hour ago, abrony-mouse said:

I had mispelled Whicker. Whicker is British English (here) which is my dialect.

Oh, well I just learned a new word.

 

1 hour ago, abrony-mouse said:

done by using lower case only - my word processor insists that pegasus is a proper noun of some old Greek horse. Silly word processor

Yeah, my word processor always tries to "correct" me as well. Kind of annoying.

 

1 hour ago, abrony-mouse said:

agreed but have changed the phrase rather than lose the pause from the dash - I wanted there to be a short pause there while she turns to Danny (my mistake as I should have written in the pause properly) so have replaced with “It’s too big Paradise; Danny," Galaxy gestures to the human, "help her roll it please.”

Oh, that works.

 

1 hour ago, abrony-mouse said:

alongside pictures of each pony to help the reader out.

That's a good idea!

Well, I'm glad I could be of assistance. I didn't realize you already have over 40k words drafted! I look forward to following this story. I'm not very active on MLP forums, but I do somewhat regularly visit fimfiction, so I will be following this story.

[flutterJackdash 218]

Same, and I'll continue to offer advice and feedback if it is wanted.

Never really got into 1st Gen, this seems like a nice starting point. You provide vivid scenes, and with you continuing to work on grammar, structure, punctuation and immersive dialogue you are significantly strengthening an already strong showing.

I look forward to seeing more.