My Fanfiction: A Tale of Two Fizzies Trilogy. Part 1. The Fire. Chap 2: Little Embers (Critique wanted before posting to Fimfic. G1/Crossover adventure fic - long)

[Octavian 5,421]

Audio:

Chapter 1 link

--Intro--

A short time has passed since the ponies finalised their campsite in the idyllic forest clearing, not far from the sunlit rainbow waterfall that Firefly and Medley had raced down that morning. After a ‘game’ in which the ponies made the fire safe, prizes were awarded to the ponies who had been most helpful.

Now, most of the herd have gathered around the unlit campfire, other than Galaxy, Wind Whistler, Megan, Applejack and Cherries Jubilee, who are making a start on food preparation at the opposite end of the clearing, and Ribbon, who is supervising Molly and the baby ponies.

---Story--

Danny calls for ponies to help build up the fire. Gusty eagerly nods and canters up to the pile of kindling which had been formed from the dead, dried underbrush that the sweeping dancers had pushed away from the fire; Danny looks hopefully to Firefly, but she shakes her head, her mouth full of the toffee apple prize she had just been awarded. Masquerade, a little weary from a day of activity, reluctantly rises to her hooves, giving the sitting ponies a huffy look, but she makes no comment as she trots over to assist.

Danny produces a knife, picks up a pair of smooth sticks and enters the ring of stones in which the fire is to be built. As he whittles a groove in one of the sticks, watched curiously by multihued eyes, glinting in the early evening sun, a pile of underbrush kindling is gathered by Gusty and Masquerade and positioned in the centre of the stones. Danny places some dried leaves and grasses in the notch he has made, and – pausing every so often to explain the process and respond to curious questions – attempts to light the kindling matchlessly using the friction method. After some time – during which Gusty has grown the kindling pile considerably – Danny achieves a little smouldering whiff of smoke which, to a collective groan from the assembled ponies, almost immediately burns out.

Danny’s freckled cheeks turn a little crimson and he grunts with frustration as he redoubles his efforts to start the fire.

“Danny?” Masquerade tries to get the attention of the distracted boy as she eyes a kindling pile now almost as large as herself, “Is the pile big enough?”

Danny, distracted, just grunts in response.

Masquerade pouts and looks around for guidance among the sitting ponies, most of whom are chatting idly about the day’s fun and do not look up. With a frustrated ‘hmmph’ the golden-yellow pegasus shrugs and sits heavily on one of the logs, gazing hungrily at Firefly who is still munching on her winnings.

Gusty, meanwhile, gathers and deposits kindling with characteristic energy, clearly enjoying herself. The sparkles from her horn add to the crepuscular rays to create a halo around her eager white-furred face which grins as she drives the underbrush before her with winds that define her magic and mark her fate.

As Danny continues to struggle, ponies begin to shout encouragement.

“You can do it Danny!” the bubbly, gem-eyed unicorn, Fizzy, shouts, and soon her friends Sundance and Surprise join in. The infectious enthusiasm of these ponies quickly spreads to the others until there is a general clamour of support for Danny’s efforts.

One such voice, belonging to Twilight, the pink, star-marked unicorn who had spotted baby North Star earlier, entreats softly, “Oh I do so wish it would work this time!” A flurry of sparkles appears round her horn as she repeats her entreaty with more fervour: “I wish it would light! I Wish!”

As if in response, there is a sudden ‘whoosh’ and flames seemingly burst from Danny’s hands as the stick that he is holding lights up.

“Wooo!” Danny whoops with delight, soon joined by similar cries of glee from the crowd, led by Fizzy and Twilight.

The spark, fanned by the still-swirling winds from Gusty’s horn, jumps and crackles from dry leaf to twig of the oversized kindling pile. It takes seconds for the pile to catch, and soon the entire pile is aflame. There is a collective ‘aah’ as the formerly dark equine shapes seated on the logs around the fire-pit are lit up orange-tinted and bathed in warmth.

However, as the fire continues to build in intensity, Masquerade calls out in alarm. “It’s spreading too fast!”

The feathers of the golden-yellow pegasus are ruffled by the current of air drawn in by the fire. Danny leaps back as flames lick at his white trainers, leaving sooty lines on the material.

“Aah!” he exclaims as he retreats to the ‘safe’ side of the stone circle that he and the herd had erected earlier, which soon contains a roaring inferno as the flames make short work of the large heap of underbrush contained within.

“Awesome!” Gusty and Firefly chant in unison, eyes dancing with flame. However, a current of uncertainty flows through the other ponies as the fire begins to tower above them, and soon whinnies of fear break out from the timid forms of Posey and Sundance.

“Danny, make it stop! It’s too much!” they wail.

As Gusty and Firefly’s cheers die down, fierce currents of warmed air begin to swirl around the crest of the blaze, which soon wears a crown of sparks. The now howling fire raises its head and, with a final roar, the currents become strong enough to carry the still-burning underbrush high into the darkening sky.

“Eeeh!” a startled high-pitched squeal comes from Paradise, who leaps into the air, bucking madly as her white-furred body is stung by a falling ember.

The squeal is shortly joined by the others, who retreat in a panic from the burning rain.

Soon the log-seats are deserted, with even Firefly and Gusty reluctantly falling back.

“At least we cleared the ground,” grumbles Masquerade to Danny, referring to Megan’s earlier measures and pointing her golden-yellow hoof at cinders fizzling out harmlessly as they land between the log-seats and the tents in their pony campsite.

However, Danny is not looking where she is pointing. His ginger-topped head is looking instead upwards, where he sees the vivid orange of sparks floating serenely against the dusky sky, the sun having now set. With a gulp, he turns his head to the site of their descent, a nearby tent which is lit softly from within, from which can be be heard the sound of a shrill adult whinny of fear, to be joined seconds later by the shrills squeals of the infants. 

---

What happened next will need to wait a while, as we catch up with the activities of the other ponies...

---

Earlier, Megan, Wind Whistler, Galaxy and Cherries Jubilee had just finished preparing the food for dinner and were huddled round a camping stove and oven on which sat a large pot of cheese and vegetables.

Applejack was engaged in putting the last of her steaming apple tarts into the oven. 

“That smells delicious, Applejack,” Galaxy said.

“Yes, good job,” the burly, orange, cherry-marked form of Cherries Jubilee added, causing her apple-marked friend to blush.

“I thought Danny would have got the fire going by now,” Megan wondered idly, looking over to the opposite side of the clearing which was enshrouded by darkness.

For a while the five chattered together, checking every so often on the food, until the flared nostrils of pony snouts detected its readiness to be eaten.

Just as the five were about to call the others for dinner, Wind Whistler’s ears perked up as she heard a strange sound from the other side of the clearing.

The pegasus turned to Megan, “Did you hear that?”

Megan shook her head, but Galaxy, next to her, stomped her hoof in alarm.

“Something’s wrong! Follow me girls!” she declared.

Wind Whistler trotted up to the human. “Megan, I consent to carry you,” she said and lowered her wings for Megan to jump on her back.

After turning off the camping stoves, Applejack and Cherries Jubilee set off towards the tents, following the sparkling horn of Galaxy. 

Wind Whistler flapped heavily into the air, bearing Megan, who swept up the lantern as they took off .

Wind Whistler’s powerful wing-beats carried Megan swiftly towards the other side of the clearing. From her vantage point, Megan saw the blaze of the fire, much brighter and larger than it should be, and felt a shudder under her as terrified youngling squeals reach her steed’s ears. With another pony, Megan would have given a pet of reassurance, but she refrained from doing so – mindful of the pride of the mare.

“It must be the fire, but how could it spread to the tents?” Megan wondered aloud.

“The embers must have been carried up above the clearing,” Wind Whistler replied, breathing heavily. “The breeze must have caught them and they must have been big enough to retain their heat upon landing.”  

Megan, who had noticed the unusually large fire, nodded her agreement, “I think you’re right. We’ll need water to put it out and soak the tents.”

“Yes, once we are closer I will summon Medley to retrieve a raincloud,” Wind Whistler determined.

---

While the former group were cooking, and prior to the fiery 'rain', Ribbon's soft voice was just wrapping up a magical tale for the baby ponies, their last before bed. Most of the babes were already snoring, including one little one whose softly-breathing form cuddled a fluffy duck. 

“And then the show-white princess banished the evil jet-black monster to the dark side of the moon!” Ribbon finished, to gasps from the few among her audience who were still awake, and a small quack-like snore from the sleeping filly.

“Did they all live happily ever after?” asked a little yellow snout, framed by a jolly four-tone mane of navy, yellow, red and green.

“Yes, Baby Tic Tac Toe, there were no more monsters to disturb the peace of the ponies of Equestria,” Ribbon cooed.

Next, the blue unicorn embarked on calming the little ones enough to get them to sleep.

First she addressed herself to her own foal, Baby Ribbon, identical to herself in every way, though smaller. Only a gesture is needed for the well behaved youngling to immediately climb onto her ribbon-festooned camp-bed.

'Good girl, sleep tight,' she transmitted telepathically to the little unicorn.

"Night night, mama," the infant replied out loud, with her own tiny horn sparkling, sending a fuzzy imitation of the message back to her parent's mind. 

Next, Ribbon smiled down at the purple, pink-maned form of an earth pony baby Ember, who was cuddled up with Molly, the latter stroking the little pony’s mane.

“Now, now girls, separate beds,” Ribbon chided.

“Aw, please…” Ember pouted.

Ribbon shook her head and with a last pet from Molly, the little pink baby earth pony curled up in her own camp-bed.

Then, Ribbon’s ears flicked as a too familiar whine, almost akin to a keening dog, sounded behind her.

“What’s the matter, Fifi?” Ribbon asked immediately, knowing the likely cause, and grimacing.

“Fwuffy gone!” the babyish voice replied, sorrowfully.

Ribbon finally turned around, her face having adopted a more gentle moue.

“Now , now, I’m sure Fluffy will be round here somewhere.”

Ribbon dropped her snout to look under the bed, whereon her eyes alighted on a little pink dog plush.

“Here she is!” 

She held up the toy, for which the misty-eyed, diminutive, light-blue, white-maned foal stretched out her little hooves.

Shortly after the little one had snuggled down into her camping bed with her cuddly toy, Ribbon felt a tug on her tail ribbon.

Looking up at her were three foals out of bed. Besides the ribbon-puller, revealed to be Tic Tac Toe, there was an energetic little yellow pegasus who was fidgeting and prancing about, and a lavender pink-maned earth pony who was looking up at her hopefully.

“Bouncy, Lickety Split and Tic Tac Toe! It’s bed time!” Ribbon said, sharply. The prancing pegasus flinched while the earth baby's eyes fell, but Baby Tic Tac Toe looked defiantly back up at Ribbon.

“But we want another story!” the latter pleaded.

“Yeah, I can’t sleep!” added Baby Bouncy.

“Um… please?” Baby Lickety Split offered.

Ribbon sighed, “No, girls. It’s far too late for little ponies to be up – the stars are almost out, and you know the little pony tales about the Mare on the Moon, don’t you? If you stay up past your bedtime she’ll gobble up all your nice dreams and leave you only nightmares!”

The impressionable little ponies scurried back to their beds.

“But if you’re good little ponies and sleep like you should, her sister… Queen Zephyr Zither,” Ribbon improvised, “will carry the most wonderful dreams to you from her palace in the sky.”

The unicorn adult smiled as her improvised vignette had the desired effect and soon each little pony cuddled into their beds, furry heads on soft pillows.

With a chuckle, Ribbon took the untied tail ribbon and fluttered it over the fillies.

“That’s probably her now! I can smell the scents from the flowers of her sky palace on the breeze,” she said in a hushed voice, as the eyelids of the three began to droop.

Ribbon, an experienced foal-sitter, stayed looking at the rambunctious trio awhile, before giving a final smile of satisfaction at a job well done.

However, just as she turned to leave and re-join the adult ponies, she was stopped in her tracks as she saw one of the beds empty. Biting down on an exclamation, she searched the tent for the little compass-marked pegasus, Baby North Star, the foal whose earlier attempted expedition out of the forest clearing caused such panic.

This time, fortunately, Ribbon did not have to look far. The little one was framed in the tent entrance, gazing up at the sky.

Frowning, Ribbon leaned down to the foal’s silly pink head. “Baby North Star!” she hissed, trying to keep her voice low so as not to wake the others, “I’m surprised at you, young filly.”

Ribbon was taken aback when the filly didn't seem to respond. Beginning to get genuinely cross, Ribbon added: “Baby North Star! Really! I’ve half a mind to tell your mommy to fly you right back to Paradise Estate this instant!”

The foal finally reacted: “Sorry Ribbon, but I think Queen Zephyr might have made a mistake,” she said, bemusing the adult.

Before Ribbon could respond to the seemingly bizarre statement, she hesitated, as her flaring nostrils detected a burning smell.

“These dreams look pretty, but smell wrong,” North Star continued, sniffing. Ribbon wasn’t listening, however, because just at that moment her eyes flicked to the red hot rain of embers falling from the night sky and alighting on the tents around her.

“Fire! Help!” Ribbon turned and yelled towards the ponies at the campfire, but her voice cracked and became a shrill whinny. Her soft voice did, however, wake the sleeping baby ponies, who jolted awake and looked at her uncomprehendingly.  

Seeing the normally calm adult so distressed, Baby North Star immediately realised something was wrong and startled back, windmilling her hooves and flapping her little wings before joining the adult with her own whinny.

The shrieking youngling’s cry, joined shortly after by the other baby ponies, carried to the rest of the camp.

Unfortunately, the dry oil-waterproofed tarpaulin, already smoking from the initial embers, now began to singe in earnest.

---

So now we are all caught up, we can return to where we left Danny, staring at the falling embers...

---

Now cognisant of the danger, those around the fire stampede towards the tents – timid, ditzy, practical and scout ponies alike, all desperate to avert the danger. It soon becomes apparent from the wails of the baby ponies that that particular occupied tent is in trouble, which panics the frightened herd still further.

“Muzzles and manes! The baby ponies!” Magic Star and Posey wail.

“Molly!” cries Danny.

Firefly is the first to arrive at the tents, followed shortly after by Gusty and Danny.

“Are you alright? Where’s it catching?” the three gabble to Ribbon, their speech almost lost in the din of voices behind them.

Ribbon looks around for other faces, but not seeing wiser muzzles, takes a deep breath and her horn sparkles. “Wait! You’ll panic them. First, I will remove the little ones to safety. The smell is coming from over there,” her voice sounds clearly in their heads as she points to a smouldering patch of tent.

The three peer in the direction indicated. Meanwhile, the blue unicorn turns her sparkling horn towards the tent, from which emerges Molly and the baby ponies. The babies are scared, but under Ribbon’s calm command, they trot or walk beside her without demur, bearing their various cuddly toys. The quietude of the infants contrasts with the panic of the herd of adults now milling around the tents.

Once the baby ponies and Ribbon retreat, Danny, Firefly and Gusty spring into action.  

Gusty, before anypony can stop her, ignites her unicorn magic in an attempt to blow away the cinders, horn soon blazing as she emits a powerful wind. The cinders – whose dull glow has begun to pile at the base of the tent – flutter into the air, blown by the summoned zephyr. Some of these darken as their bodies cool in the early night air, but others flare brighter. Worse still, parts of the singed tent begin to join the bright oranges of the embers – as the burned patches begin to spread.

“Stop!” Firefly and Danny shout out in dismay as they see the sparking embers alight on nearby tents.

Gusty hesitates and the wind abates.

“Don’t blow on them! Stomp! Use your hooves, ponies! Quickly!” Danny yells. 

The herd, hearing this, try to race towards the cinders to stomp them.

Unfortunately, in the gloom, the difficulty of navigating the guy rope strewn ground between the tents combined with the smoke thrown up from the singeing fabric and the aerial bombardment of painful embers, leads to a general confusion of ponies.  

“Ow!” Surprise yelps and leaps into the air, shocked by an ember landing on her hind quarters.

“Oof, what the–“ Paradise takes a white hoof to her snout as Surprise’s hind hooves lash out.

“I can’t see!” complain Magic Star and Posey as their heads are smothered by the wings of the now upturned pegasus. 

Suddenly, a piercing whistle sounds from the air, causing everyone to look up. Above the tangle of feathers and pony limbs, the light of a lantern can be seen swaying in the air, held tightly by a girl who rides her blue pegasus steed with the confidence of an experienced rider.

Megan’s voice rings out, “EVERYONE STOP!”

---

Wind Whistler, the blue pegasus Megan was riding, now takes charge.

“Medley and Firefly, to me,” she directs, pointing to the two sooty-hooved, pink and turquoise pegasi, who nod and fly up to her.

 “Where’s North Star?” the latter wonders aloud, only to be greeted by a voice from above.

“Here!” the aerial scout replies, and both look up. “It was so confusing on the ground, I thought best to fire-spot from the sky,” North Star explains in response to questioning glances from both pony and rider.

Frowning with impatience, Wind Whistler gestures for the three to pay attention.

 “You see that cloud?” she points upward to where a few wisps of cloud have begun to gather, and the three nod. “Medley, use it to put out the fire. Firefly and North Star, assist her.”

The three race off in the direction indicated, the pink, blue-maned pegasus in the lead as usual, with her turquoise friend close behind.

Once Wind Whistler lands, away from the melee, Megan dismounts. Then, with a flurry of air, the pegasus takes off after her scouts.

On the ground, Megan can see Galaxy’s softly glowing horn approach the tents.

“Danny, Megan, Masquerade, Paradise, Gusty and Cherries Jubilee to me!” the dusky-pink unicorn calls out. “The rest of you, seek the safety of the forest’s edge, but do NOT go into the forest.”

Various shapes untangle themselves from the melee near the tents while Applejack, ears a little flat, holds up a foreleg in the manner of many indecisive quadrupeds.

“Are you sure I can’t help?” she asks.

Galaxy shakes her head, “It’s tricky ground in the dark. You could twist a fetlock.”

Applejack sighs, nods, and sets off to the edge of the clearing.

Soon the humans and four industrious ponies are assembled around Galaxy.

“If we pour water on the tarp it’ll just slide off. Any suggestions?”

“I saw a programme about firefighting, which was really interesting and–“ Danny begins but is interrupted by a raised hoof from Galaxy.

“Quickly!” she interjects.  

“–and they soaked blankets, which they placed on furniture to stop it burning!”

Galaxy nods, “Great idea. I’ll wink over to the water canteens. You ready the blankets.”

---

Just as the stars are beginning to twinkle, if 'somepony' were to look down on Ponyland forest they would see two pink pegasi push a raincloud into a plume of smoke from a fire below them in a remote clearing. As if in response, a turquoise pegasus hovering near the cloud jumps on it at the signal from a piercing whistle, her hooves bouncing off rather than passing through with the result that a dark mist of rain is formed beneath.

In the clearing, a group of adult ponies and foals huddle for protection and warmth at its edge, away from the fire. At the same time, two humans, two earth ponies and two unicorns efficiently traverse the spaces between the tents, hopping nimbly – as if in a dressage performance – over guy ropes to the light of the latter’s horns, distributing sopping blankets whenever the angry orange of a stray cinder disturbs the peace of the gloaming dark. Once the last of the unwelcome sparks is put out, the equines gather in the centre of the now spark-free clearing. After this, the herd can be seen to converge, fumbling towards each other in the dark. Once they are reunited, the variously coloured equines give each other friendly nuzzles, hugs, and licks where patches of fur had been singed.

The observer might marvel at the orderly behaviour of the equines as the foals are put to bed, wet blankets and canteens are returned to the edge of the clearing, and broom-wielding pegasi brush the sludge of a former fire away from a firepit.

After this, a pale-blue pegasus, dewy fur glittering in the moonlight, can be seen to perch imperiously on a log, mouth open in exclamation, as if addressing the herd. The pegasus points down at a pink, star-marked unicorn whose two-tone white/purple mane hangs over her head, which is bowed low before the latter. Just after that, emerging from the throng of ponies behind the mare, a white, leaf-marked unicorn and male human stride forward to join this supplicant pony, both of whom solemnly pat the former and hang their heads also.

If the onlooker crept even further forward to discern the meaning of the strange ceremony, they would hear the following:

---

“It wasn’t Twilight’s fault for her Wish, it was my fault,” Danny says, head low. “The fire was my responsibility and I should have been paying more attention. I’m sorry.”

“No it was my fault. I got so carried away I stacked the kindling way too high. I’m sorrier,” Gusty adds, in martyred tones.

Wind Whistler nods. “Twilight, you are excused. Your Wish was not responsible for the fire.” 

Twilight gives a relieved sigh, rises to her hooves, nods to Wind Whistler, and moves to re-join the herd who have assembled around the now dark firepit.

“As for you two,” she turns to Danny and Gusty, “I accept your culpability in this matter.”

“Windy!” Megan exclaims.

The blue pegasus hesitates, “But, of course, we forgive you both. Don’t we, girls?”

“Naturally,” Ribbon says, leading off nods and murmurs of assent around the herd.

“Turning to the matter of their sentence,” Wind Whistler begins, but stops, uncertain of what to suggest.

“Washing up duty would be most appropriate, I think,” Megan offers with a wink to Danny, drawing nods from ‘judge’, defendants and audience alike.

 

---

end of chap 2. Next chapter 3: Campfire Tails.

---

hopefully that is better than my first effort. I have been paying attention to unpacking dialogue, dialogue punctuation, dashes, hyphens, run-ons (although I bet I've missed a few).

I have succumbed to adding baby pony cameos - I just couldn't help myself there. I will add a cameo pony section to the author notes in FimFic when this goes up to help with that. 

hopefully have kept the description level around the same as for the first chap (have a feeling I might go over the end of the chap for this though)

I made an odd decision to have a different narrative perspective for the second last bit - to add an overview. Not sure what I think of this. Was kinda awkward to write.

As always critique very much appreciated!

Edited May 25, 2023 by North Star

[flutterJackdash 218]

 

 

Quote

 

--Intro--

A short time has passed since the ponies finalised their campsite in the idyllic forest clearing, not far from the sunlit rainbow waterfall that Firefly and Medley had raced down that morning. After a ‘game’ in which ponies made the fire safe, prizes were awarded to the ponies who had been most helpful.

Now most of the herd have gathered around the unlit campfire, other than Galaxy, Wind Whistler, Applejack and Cherries jubilee, who are making a start on food preparation at the opposite end of the clearing, and Ribbon, who is supervising Molly and the baby ponies.

 

Oh, how nice, a short recap. I like this a lot. Helpful to the reader for keeping track.

---Story--

Quote

Danny calls for ponies to help build up the fire. Gusty eagerly nods and canters up to the pile of kindling formed of dead dried underbrush that the sweeping dancers had erected at a distance from the fire; Danny looks hopefully to Firefly, but she shakes her head, her mouth full of the toffee apple prize she had just been awarded. Masquerade, a little weary from a day of activity, reluctantly rises to her hooves, giving the sitting ponies a huffy look, but she makes no comment as she trots over to assist.

Pretty solid paragraph, a good start. You can change the semicolon there for a full stop, actually.

Quote

Danny produces a knife and picks up a pair of smooth sticks and enters the ring of stones in which the fire is to be built. As he whittles a groove in one of the sticks, watched curiously by multihued eyes glinting in the early evening sun, a pile of underbrush kindling is gathered by Gusty and Masquerade and placed in the centre of the stones. Danny places some dried leaves and grasses in the notch he has made, and–pausing every so often to explain the process and respond to curious questions–attempts to light the kindling matchlessly using the friction method. After some time, during which, thanks to Gusty’s efforts, the kindling pile has grown considerably, Danny achieves a little smouldering whiff of smoke which, to a collective groan from the assembled ponies, almost immediately burns out.

You should add spaces between your hyphens and the surrounding text, such that it less taxing on the eyes to separate it. So it would look like "And - pausing every so often to explain the process and respond to curious questions - attempts". The final sentence in this paragraph contains 5 commas. While I do understand the ways in which this logically separates the parts of the sentence, it is still very much a run-on and could do with some restructuring.

Quote

Danny’s freckled cheeks turn a little crimson and he grunts with frustration and he redoubles his efforts to start the fire.

Consider changing "and" to "as" so it reads "with frustration as he redoubles his efforts to start the fire" and the flow is more smooth as a result.

Quote

“Danny?” Masquerade tries to get the attention of the distracted boy as she eyes a kindling pile now almost as large as herself, “Is the pile big enough?”

Well, I don't see anything that needs fixing or touching up here.

Quote

Danny just grunts in response, distracted.

This works fine too, although perhaps a change of syntax? That one is entirely your choice, there's no wrong way between the current sentence and my suggestion: "Danny, distracted, just grunts in response."

Quote

Masquerade pouts and looks around for guidance among the sitting ponies, most of whom are chatting idly about the day’s fun and do not look up. With a frustrated ‘hmmph’ the golden-yellow pegasus shrugs and sits heavily on one of the logs, gazing hungrily towards where Firefly is still munching on her winnings.

So, to be clear, is she gazing hungrily in the general direction of Firefly or actually at Firefly as she munches on her winnings? Seems like one had greater impact than the other.

Quote

 

Gusty, meanwhile, gathers and deposit kindling with characteristic energy, clearly enjoying herself–the sparkles from her horn adding to the crepuscular rays to create a halo around her eager white-furred face which grins as she drives the underbrush before her with winds that define her magic and mark her fate.

As Danny continues to struggle, ponies begin to shout encouragement.

“You can do it Danny!” the bubbly gem-eyed unicorn, Fizzy, shouts, and soon her friends Sundance and Surprise join in. The infectious enthusiasm of these ponies quickly spreads to the others until there is a general clamour of support for Danny’s efforts.

 

Deposit should be Deposits. Again, separate your hyphens with spaces both before and after, otherwise this looks cluttered. Good on you, found a word I had to look up. I enjoy that, when writing requires me to learn new words then I feel as though I am both enjoying a good story and expanding my mind. Goodness knows it needs the expansion. Oh, so the hyphen doesn't reach a proper conclusion, while it begins a separated narrative, it never does end it. The very next hyphen is from "white-furred" which does not act as an end point to this "aside". Consider revising.

Quote

One such voice, belonging to Twilight, the pink star-marked unicorn who had spotted baby North Star earlier, entreats softly, “Oh I do so wish it would work this time!” A flurry of sparkles appear round her horn as she repeats her entreaty with more fervour: “I wish it would light! I wish!”

As if in response, there is a sudden ‘whoosh’ and flames seemingly burst from Danny’s hands as the stick that Danny is holding lights up.

“Wooo!” Danny whoops with delight, soon joined by similar cries of glee, led by Fizzy and Twilight.

The spark, fanned by the still-swirling winds from Gusty’s horn, jumps and crackles from dry leaf to twig of the oversized kindling pile gathered by Gusty. It takes seconds for the pile to catch, and then in mere moments more the entire pile is aflame. There is a collective ‘aah’ as the formerly dark equine shapes seated on the logs around the fire-pit are lit up orange-tinted and bathed in warmth.

So, the noun actually attached to "appear" is flurry, which means it should be "appears". 

So, you went from "Danny's hands" to "Danny is holding" with no punctuation in between (save the apostrophe for the possessive), this means that you can safely resort to a pronoun for the second "Danny".

It's also safe to use "her" instead of "Gusty" at the end of the first sentence in the 4th paragraph, as it should be clear the pronoun is connected to Gusty. Now, something about "then in mere moments more the entire pile is aflame" is bothering me, and I can't quite put a finger on it. I'll return to this when I have figured it out.

Quote

However, as the fire continues to build in intensity, Masquerade calls out in alarm. “It’s spreading too fast!”

The feathers of the golden-yellow pegasus are ruffled by the current of air drawn in by the fire. Danny leaps back as flames lick at his white trainers, leaving sooty lines on the white material.

“Aah!” he exclaims as he retreats to the ‘safe’ side of the stone circle he and the herd had erected earlier, which soon contains a roaring inferno as the flames make short work of the large heap of underbrush contained within.

“Awesome!” Gusty and Firefly chant in unison, eyes dancing with flame. However, a current of uncertainty flows through the other ponies as the fire begins to tower above them, and soon whinnies of fear break out from the timid forms of Posey and Magic Star.

“Danny, make it stop! It’s too much!” they wail.

Okay, second paragraph: You have established that his trainers are white, leaving no need for repeat that they are white just 6 words later.

Quote

As Gusty and Firefly’s cheers die down, a thin angry keening sound emits from the fire–fierce currents of warmed air begin to swirl around the crest of the blaze, which soon wears a crown of sparks. The now howling fire raises its head and, with a final roar, the currents become strong enough to carry the still-burning underbrush high into the night sky.

“Eeeh!” a startled high-pitched squeal comes from the unlikely form of the burly pegasus Paradise, who leaps into the air bucking madly, as her white-furred body is stung by a falling ember.

The squeal is shortly joined by the others, who retreat in a panic from the burning rain.

Soon the log-seats are deserted, with even Firefly and Gusty reluctantly falling back.

Alright, consider replacing that hyphen with a period. The bit following the hyphen reads like a sentence that can stand on its own while context serves to keep it clear. I quite like the way you personified the fire though, marvelous stuff.

In the second paragraph, there should also be a comma before "Paradise", since these would be used a stop-gap to state a name without disjointing narrative while the comma after "madly" can actually be removed safely.

Quote

“At least we cleared the ground,” grumbles Maquerade to Danny, referring to Megan’s earlier measures and pointing her golden-yellow hoof at cinders fizzling out harmlessly as they land between the log-seats and the tents in their pony campsite.

However, Danny is not looking where she is pointing. His ginger-topped head is looking instead to the sky, where he sees the vivid orange of sparks floating serenely against the late-dusk darkness of the sky, the sun having now set. With a gulp, he turns his head to the site of their descent, a nearby tent which is lit softly from within…

Masquerade is misspelled there in the beginning, an easily missed letter "s".

---

Quote

While the bustling of camp life had been occurring outside, Ribbon was just finishing a bedtime story. A few of the little ponies are gathered around Ribbon and are sitting on the tent floor, while others are lying, eyes drooping, in their beds. One little one, who is cuddling a fluffy duck, is already fast asleep.

“And then the show-white princess banished the evil jet-black monster to the dark side of the moon!” Ribbon finishes, to gasps of relief from her rapt audience, and a small quack-like snore from the sleeping filly.

“Did they all live happily ever after?” asks a little yellow snout, framed by a jolly four-tone mane of navy, yellow, red and green.

The comma between "floor" and "while" can be safely removed here.

A lovely reference to Nightmare Moon!

Quote

“Yes Tic Tac Toe; there were no more monsters to disturb the peace of the ponies of Equestria,” Ribbon coos.

Next, the blue unicorn embarks on calming the little ones enough to get them to sleep.

Ribbon smiles at the purple, pink-maned form of an earth pony baby, Ember, who is cuddled up with Molly, the latter stroking the little pony’s mane. “Now now girls, separate beds.” Ribbon chides.

Yes within the dialogue should have a comma after it, particularly as the very next word is a Proper Noun, then the semicolon should just be a comma while within dialogue.

Remember to separate dialogue into its own paragraphs, so "Now now girls, separate beds," Ribbon chides. should be on a separate line.

Quote

“Aw, please…” Ember pouts.

Ribbon shakes her head and with a last pet from Molly, the little pink baby earth pony curls up in her own camp-bed.

Ribbon’s ears flick as a too familiar whine, almost akin to a keening dog, sounds behind her.

“What’s the matter Fifi?” Ribbon asks immediately, knowing the likely cause and giving a little grimace.

“Fwuffy gone!” the babyish voice says sorrowfully.

In the 4th paragraph, the words "matter" and "Fifi" should be separated by comma, as is appropriate when dealing with Proper Nouns within dialogue.

Quote

Ribbon finally turns round, her face having adopted a more gentle moue.

“Now I’m sure Fluffy will be round here somewhere.” Ribbon says, as she drops her snout to look under the bed whereon her eyes alight on a little pink dog plush. “Here she is!”

She holds up the toy, for which the misty-eyed diminutive light blue white-maned foal is stretching out her little hooves. The foal clasps it tightly once it is once more in her possession.

“’nk you.” the foal says.

One again, lovely to find a word I need to learn!

The Full Stop after "somewhere" within the dialogue of the second paragraph should be a comma, while the comma after "says" should not be there at all. Lastly, as "Here she is!" has be separated from the other part of the paragraph by a concluding Full Stop, it should be moved to its own paragraph and perhaps given more flavor.

The final paragraph has a Full Stop after "you" where a comma ought to be.

Quote

No sooner has the little one snuggled down into her camping bed with her cuddly toy, does Ribbon feel a tug on her tail ribbon.

Looking up at her are three foals out of bed: besides the ribbon-puller, revealed to be Tic Tac Toe, there is a little yellow pegasus whose bouncy beach ball on its flank is hopping up and down as its own prances about, and a lavender pink-maned earth pony who is looking up at her hopefully.

“Bouncy, Lickety Split and Tic Tac Toe! It’s bed time!” Ribbon says sharply. The prancing pegasus flinches, the ice-cream marked earth baby twiddles her hooves and looks down, but the latter looks defiantly back up at Ribbon.

The first paragraph reads as disjointed, and feels as though a key word has been forgotten between "cuddly toy" and "does", perhaps replace the intervening comma with the word "than", although it feels awkward saying it that way. Still, this sentence is also awkward in its current form, so consider revising.

In the second paragraph, after Tic Tac Toe is identified, the yellow pegasus that follows is called "it" while his/her cutie mark is also called "its" or... actually "as its own prances about" is odd sounding here, so as I'm reading this paragraph I am becoming more confused about what you are trying to say. Beyond the point of three foals vying for the attention of a mare, I mean. Please consider revising.

Quote

“But we want another story!” Tic Tac Toe pleads.

“Yeah, I can’t sleep!” adds Baby Bouncy.

“Um… please?” Baby Lickety Split offers.

Ribbon sighs, “No, girls. It’s far too late for little ponies to be up–the stars are almost out, and you know the little pony tales about the Mare on the Moon, don’t you? If you stay up past your bedtime she’ll gobble up all your nice dreams and leave you only nightmares!”

Interesting! The defiant filly is not the first speak up, where the one who winced is. Seems like this might need some rearranging, as within context it doesn't make a lot of sense.

Remember to place a space between hyphens and their surrounding words, otherwise you are connecting two words to create a conjunction of sorts instead.

Quote

The impressionable little ponies scurry back to their beds. “But if you’re good little ponies and sleep like you should, her sister… Queen Zephyr Zither,” Ribbon improvises, “will carry the most wonderful dreams to you from her palace in the sky.”

The unicorn adult smiles as her improvised vignette has the desired effect, as soon each little pony cuddles into their beds, furry heads on soft pillows.

With a chuckle and a sparkle of her horn, Ribbon uses her telekinesis to gently waft the tent flaps, creating a light gust into the tent, “That’s probably her now! I can smell the scents from the flowers of her sky palace on the breeze,” she says in a hushed voice, as eyelids of the three begin to droop.

The comma between "effect" and "soon" can be removed.

Seems like "as eyelids" should be "as the eyelids" here.

Quote

Ribbon, an experienced foal-sitter, stays looking at the rambunctious trio a while, before giving a final smile of satisfaction at a job well done.

However, just as she is turning to leave and re-join the adult ponies, she is stopped in her tracks as she sees one of the beds empty. Biting down on an exclamation, she searches the tent for the little compass-marked pegasus, Baby North Star, the foal whose earlier attempted expedition out of the forest clearing caused such panic earlier.

This time, fortunately, Ribbon does not have to look far. The little one is framed in the tent entrance, gazing up at the sky.

Frowning, Ribbon leans down to the foal’s silly pink head, “Baby North Star!” she hisses, trying to keep her voice low so as not to wake the others. “I’m surprised at you, young filly.”

The Full Stop after "others" in the 4th paragraph should be a comma.

Quote

Ribbon is taken aback when the filly doesn’t seem to respond. Beginning to get genuinely cross, Ribbon adds: “Baby North Star! Really! I’ve half a mind to tell your mommy to fly you right back to Paradise Estate this instant.”

The foal finally reacts: “Sorry Ribbon, but I think Queen Zephyr might have made a mistake,” she says, bemusing the adult, who furrows her brow.

Before Ribbon can regain her composure and respond to the seemingly bizarre statement, her nostrils flare as they apprehend a strange and dangerous scent.

“These dreams look pretty, but smell wrong,” North Star continues, sniffing. But Ribbon isn’t listening, because just at that moment, her eyes flick to the red hot rain of embers, falling from the night sky and alighting on the tents around her.

“Fire! Help!” her voice cracks and she whinnies shrilly, but her thin voice does not carry to the ponies around the campfire and is only just loud enough to wake the other sleeping baby ponies, who jolt awake and look at her uncomprehendingly.  

For the second paragraph, you can remove the comma after "adult" or you can change the one after "says" to a semicolon to separate the clauses. Otherwise, this punctuation is confusing.

The third paragraph really must have syntax reworked, perhaps: "Ribbon's nostrils flare before she can regain her composure, apprehending a strange and dangerous scent." Or something like that. It's rather stilted otherwise.

Fourth Paragraph, one should not start a sentence with a preposition such as "But". You could try "However" there, or restructure the sentence to avoid this altogether. Maybe "Ribbon, however, isn't listening because just at that moment her eyes flick to the red hot rain of embers falling from night sky and alighting on the tends around here" which also removes a series of redundant commas.

Quote

Seeing the normally calm adult so distressed, Baby North Star immediately realises something is wrong and startles back, wind-milling her hooves and flapping her little wings, rising a little into the air, before joining the adult with her own whinny.

The shrieking youngling’s cry, almost immediately joined by the other baby ponies, soon have the adults near the campfire stampeding towards the tents, but not before their dry resin-insulated tarpaulin, already smoking from the initial embers, begins to singe in earnest.

Paragraph 1 contains 4 commas and only one sentence, consider revising for better flow. The message is clear, the panic is well illustrated, the flow is staggered.

Paragraph 2, the word "have" is actually connected to the article "Cry" which means it should be "has" to keep appropriate tense. You might consider finding a way to make everything after "tents" into its own sentence, and change the comma to a Full Stop.

Quote

Back at the campfire, Danny and the ponies, now alert to the danger of the cinders, stampede towards the tents–timid, ditzy, practical and scout ponies alike, all desperate to avert the danger. It soon becomes apparent from the wails of the baby ponies that that particular occupied tent is in trouble, which panics the frightened herd still further.

“The baby ponies!” Magic Star and Posey wail, joined quickly by the others.

“Molly!” cries Danny.

Firefly is the first to arrive at the tents, followed shortly after by Gusty and Danny.

They do not immediately see anything burning, but the smell of singed tent is everywhere.

The first paragraph is really just reiterated what was said in the paragraph before it, feels like filler this way. Also, add spaces between hyphens and the words they intended to separate.

Quote

“Are you alright? Where’s it catching?” the three gabble to Ribbon, their voices almost lost in the din of voices behind them.

Ribbon looks around for other faces, but not seeing wiser snouts, takes a deep breath and her horn sparkles, “Wait! You’ll panic them. First I will remove the little ones to safety. The smell is coming from over there,” her voice sounds clearly in their heads as she points to a smouldering patch of tent.

The three peer in the direction indicated. Meanwhile, the blue unicorn turns her sparkling horn towards the tent, from which emerges Molly and the baby ponies, looking scared, but under Ribbon’s calm command, they trot or walk beside her without demur, staying close and clutching the adult, bearing various cuddly toys–their quietude contrasts with the panic of the herd of adults now milling around the tents.

Yay! A third new word for my vocabulary!

The third paragraph has a sentence containing 7 commas. Consider revisions which separate points into sentences and avoid the run-on flow. Oh, and once again the hyphens which aren't conjoining words should be given spaces to make that distinction.

Quote

Once the baby ponies and Ribbon have retreated, Danny, Firefly and Gusty spring into action.  

Gusty, before anypony can stop her, ignites her unicorn magic in an attempt to blow away the cinders, horn blazing as she emits a powerful wind. The cinders, whose dull glow has begun to pile at the base of the tent, flutter into the air, blown by the wind. Some of these darken as their bodies cool in the early night air, but others flare brighter. Worse still, parts of the singed tent begin to join the bright oranges of the embers–as the burned patches begin to spread.

“Stop!” Firefly and Danny shout out in dismay, as they see the sparking embers alight on nearby tents.

In the second paragraph, where "whose dull glow has begun to pile at the base of the tent" is, consider using hyphens rather than commas to separate that particular flavor from the rest of the body. And finally, add spaces to the hyphen not being used to conjoin words.

The comma after "dismay" can be removed.

Quote

Gusty hesitates and the wind abates.

“Don’t blow on them! Stomp! Use your hooves ponies! Quickly!” Danny yells. 

The herd, hearing this, try to race towards the cinders to stomp them.

Unfortunately, in the gloom, the difficulty of navigating the guy rope-strewn ground between the tents combined with the smoke thrown up from the singeing tents, and the aerial bombardment of painful embers, leads to a general confusion of ponies.  

Should add a comma between "hooves" and "ponies".

In the 4th paragraph, you can remove the comma between "tents" and "and" as the word and can usually stand on its own without a comma.

Quote

“Ow!” Surprise, leaps into the air, shocked by an ember landing on her hind quarters.

“Oof, what the–“ Paradise takes a white hoof to her snout as Surprise’s hind hooves lash out.

“I can’t see!” complains Magic Star and Posey as theirs heads are covered in Surprise’s white feathers as she tumbles into them. 

Suddenly, a piercing whistle sounds from the air, causing everypony to look up. Above the tangle of feathers and pony limbs, the light of a lantern can be seen swaying in the air, held tightly by a girl who rides her blue pegasus steed with the confidence of an experienced rider.

Megan’s voice rings out, “EVERYPONY STOP!”

The comma between "Surprise" and "leaps" is unnecessary and confusing, and perhaps add that she yelps or somesuch? "Surprise yelps as she leaps into the air, shocked by an ember landing on her hind quarters."

Third paragraph, "complains" is connected to two articles, Magic Star and Posey, which means it should be "complain", and then you can work out a way to reduce the use of the word "as" in the latter part of this sentence.

Quote

Earlier, before the disturbance with the fire, the more responsible ponies of the camp, alongside Megan, were preparing food. These included Wind Whistler and the level-headed unicorn Galaxy. These were aided by the ponies whose skills, marked on their flanks, lay with food especially: Applejack and Cherries Jubilee.

Applejack and Jubilee had set to work preparing apple delicacies: toffee apple prizes for the winners and toffee apple tarts as desserts for everypony else. Applejack had selected the apples, the silly pony restricting herself to minimum of noms, and–under Cherries Jubilee’s supervision–poured boiling water over them. Cherries Jubilee, meanwhile undertook the preparation of the sugar, water and syrup mixture. Once the tasty apple prizes were ready, the happy winners collected them as a pre-dinner treat. Then, the two ponies set to work on the pastry for the tarts, both taking turns to whisk the eggs and mix in the flour, before rolling the pastry and setting it to bake over a camping stove oven.  

The first sentence of the first paragraph contains 4 commas, consider a revision that eliminates some of those. And add a comma between "unicorn" and "Galaxy".

In the second paragraph, add spaces between those hyphens not being used to conjoin words and the words which surround them.

Though, honestly, adding this recap in the midst of a panic scenario like the camp catching fire seems an odd choice for narrative flow. It is ill-fitting, even to explain how any of the others had differently prepared or been shocked by the occurrence. I do see there is a divider between this and the section immediately above, so that does help. I'm not saying to remove it, but it might do to reposition it as it does interfere with the adrenaline of the other situation.

Quote

As the two earth ponies dealt with the desserts, Megan, Wind Whistler and Galaxy oversaw the creation of the main course: a wholesome meal of cheese and vegetables. As the pegasus peeled and then boiled carrots she whistled a tune, with Megan joining in occasionally as she tackled the potatoes. Meanwhile, Galaxy tapped her cheese grater to the rhythm of the other two as she got her dark-pink hooves stuck in to the cheese production.

Soon the cooked vegetables and cheese were assembled in a large pot, which the trio mashed together with plenty of butter, salt and pepper, after which they set the hearty fare to cook through on a camping stove.

The last sentence of the first paragraph proves confusing to me. While I get that Galaxy is using a cheese grater, I'm not quite sure how to understand the remaining part of the sentence.

The comma between "pepper" and "after" can be removed, and replaced with a Full Stop.

Quote

Now the five workers convene, huddling round the camping stove and little camping oven, the area is lit in the darkness by the light of a small lantern.

“That smells delicious Cherries Jubilee,” says Galaxy, sniffing appreciatively at the small oven in which the apple tarts are cooking.

“All thanks to Applejack here,” the burly orange cherry-marked pony says modestly, causing her apple-marked friend to blush.

“When do you think the cheese and vegetables will be ready?” asks Applejack.

“All in good time,” replies Wind Whistler

You might consider a different way of expression/explaining how the darkness is lit as this full clunky in its delivery. Maybe something more like "Now the five workers convene, huddling round the camping stove and little camping over lit only by a small lantern."

Add a comma between "delicious" and "Cherries Jubilee".

Quote

“I thought Danny would have got the fire going by now,” Megan wonders idly, looking over to the opposite side of the clearing which was still enshrouded in darkness.

For a while the five chatter idly together, checking every so often on the food, until the flared nostrils of pony snouts detect its readiness to be eaten.

Just as the five are busy assembling the plates for the food and about to call the others round the fire, Wind Whistler’s ears perk up, catching a strange sound from the other side of the clearing.

The word "enshrouded" is usually accompanied by the word "by" where "shrouded" would use the word "in"

The last paragraph contains commas with curious placement. While they serve as pauses, the way in which they divide the sentence makes for somewhat confusing flow.

Quote

“Did you hear that?” she asks Megan.

Megan shakes her head, but Galaxy, next to her, stomps her hoof in alarm. “Something’s wrong! Follow me girls!”

“It’s dark. Megan, I consent to carry you.” Wind Whistler says, lowering her wing so that the human can jump on her back, holding the lantern to light her way.

After turning off the camping stoves, Applejack and Cherries Jubilee follow the sparkling horn of Galaxy, while Wind Whistler flaps heavily into the air, bearing the human.

The second paragraph is nice, but could use the addition of "and declares" after the word alarm, and then changing the Full Stop to a comma.

In the third paragraph, the Full Stop after "you" should be a comma.

Quote

Wind Whistler’s powerful wing-beats carry Megan swiftly towards the other side of the clearing. From her vantage point Megan sees the blaze of the fire, much brighter and larger than it should be, and feels a shudder under her as the cries of the foals reach her steed’s ears. With another pony Megan would have given a pet of reassurance, but she refrains from doing so–mindful of the pride of the mare beneath her.

“It must be the fire, but how could it spread to the tents?” she wonders aloud.

Separate the hyphen with spaces if it is not being used to conjoin two words.

Quote

“The embers must have been carried up above the clearing,” Wind Whistler says, breathing heavily, “The breeze must have caught them and they must have been big enough to retain their heat upon landing.”  

Megan, who had noticed the unusually large fire, nods her agreement, “I think you’re right. We’ll need water to put it out and soak the tents.”

“Yes, once we are closer I will summon the scouts.”

The last paragraph should still indicate who has spoken.

Quote

As they near the tents, the cries of the foals diminish and an acrid burning smell warns her of the danger below.

“I see Ribbon has the foals in order at least,” Wind Whistler says approvingly.

“I wish we could say the same for the others,” Megan says despairingly, looking down at the chaos.

Stealing herself, and going into ‘leader-mode’ Megan hails the ponies the below, with the assistance of Wind Whistler.

It's odd, because though I'm certain it isn't correct, I can find nothing definitive which suggests otherwise, but "stealing" here should probably be "steeling"

Oh, and you can add a comma after 'leader-mode'.

Quote

“Medley and Firefly come to me,” the blue pegasus directs, pointing to two sooty-hooved pink and turquoise pegasi, who nod and fly up to her.

 “Where’s North Star?” she wonders aloud, only to be greeted by a voice from above her.

“Here!” the aerial scout replies. “It was so confusing on the ground, I thought best to fire-spot from above,” she explains in response to questioning glances from both pony and rider.

 “You see that cloud?” Wind Whistler points up into the evening sky where a few wisps of cloud have begun to gather. The three nod. “Use it to put out the fire.”

Add a comma between "Firefly" and "come"

Change the Full Stop after "replies" in the third paragraph to a comma, or move the ensuing dialogue to a separate paragraph, though it fits just fine there with the change in punctuation.

Quote

The three race off towards the clouds, the pink pegasus in the lead as usual, with her turquoise friend close behind.

Once Wind Whistler lands, away from the melee, Megan dismounts. Then, with a flurry of air, the pegasus takes off after her scouts, to assist.

Good job here, I note no issues with this one. But perhaps different eyes will avail different results.

Quote

On the ground, Megan can see Galaxy’s softly glowing horn approach the tents.

“Danny, Megan, Masquerade, Paradise, Gusty and Cherries jubilee to me!” the dusky-pink unicorn calls out. “The rest of you, seek the safety of the forest’s edge, but do NOT go into the forest.”

Various shapes untangle themselves from the melee near the tents, while Applejack, ears a little flat, holds up a foreleg in the manner of many indecisive quadrupeds.

“Are you sure I can’t help?” she asks.

Capitalize the "j" in "jubilee", and change the Full Stop after "out" to a comma.

You can remove the comma after "tents"

Quote

Galaxy shakes her head, “It’s tricky ground in the dark. You could twist a fetlock.”

Applejack sighs, nods, and sets off to the edge of the clearing.

Soon the humans and three industrious ponies are assembled around Galaxy.

“If we pour water on the tarp it’ll just slide off. Any suggestions?”

Good job here.

Quote

“I saw a programme about firefighting, which was really interesting and–“ Danny begins but is interrupted by a raised hoof from Galaxy.

“Quickly!” she interjects.  

“–and they soaked blankets which they placed on furniture to stop it burning.”

Galaxy nods. “Great idea. I’ll wink over to the water canteens. You ready the blankets.”

In the last paragraph, change the Full Stop after "nods" to a comma.

Quote

Just as the stars are beginning to twinkle, an idle observer of Ponyland forest would see two pink pegasi push a raincloud into a plume of smoke from a fire below them in a remote clearing. As if in response, a turquoise pegasus hovering near the cloud would be seen to jump on the cloud at the signal from a piercing whistle, her hooves bouncing off it rather than passing through, creating a dark mist of rain beneath, as raindrops fall onto a hissing bonfire.

The last sentence contains 4 commas, so it should be revised to avoid run-on.

Quote

If one was to look down in the clearing, one would see a group of adult ponies and foals huddling for protection and warmth at its edge, away from the steaming fire, while two humans, two ponies and a unicorn march efficiently between the tents, hopping nimbly–as if in a dressage performance–over guy-ropes to the light of the latter’s horn, distributing sopping blankets whenever the angry orange of a stray cinder disturbed the peace of the gloaming dark.

Fire doesn't steam, it smokes. This is just a small thing, and doesn't actually need changing at all. You can change the comma after "fire" to Full Stop though. And add spaces between the hyphen and surrounding words if the hyphen is not being used to conjoin two words.

Quote

Once this assortment has defeated the last of the unwelcome sparks, an observer would see many more equines gathering towards the centre of the now spark-free clearing. Fumbling towards each other in the dark, these variously coloured equines would then be seen to give each other friendly nuzzles, hugs, and licks where–were one to peer closely–patches of fur had been singed. After this, one might marvel at the orderly behaviour of the equines as foals were bedded, wet blankets and canteens were returned to the edge of the clearing, and broom-wielding pegasi brushed the sludge of a former fire away from a firepit.  

Add spaces around hyphens which are not being used to conjoin two words. Otherwise, this is a good one.

Quote

The intrigued observer who had stayed to see these activities to their completion, would then see a pale blue pegasus, dewy fur glittering in the moonlight, perched imperiously on a log, mouth open in exclamation, as if addressing the herd. This one would be seen pointing down at a pink star-marked unicorn whose two-tone white/purple mane hangs over her head, which is hung low before the latter. Emerging from the throng of ponies behind the mare, could be seen a white leaf-marked unicorn and male human which stride forward to join this supplicant pony, solemnly patting the former and hanging their heads too.

You can remove the first comma. You can also remove the comma between "mare" and "could" in the last sentence, but one can be added after "white".

Quote

If the daring observer were to creep even further forward, to hear what they were saying and discern the meaning of the strange ceremony, they would hear the following.

This is such a neat way of narrating. It's quite a tonal shift from the rest of the chapter, but I must say I didn't find it jarring.

Quote

“It wasn’t Twilight’s fault for her wish, it was my fault.” Danny says, head low. “The fire was my responsibility and I should have been paying more attention. I’m sorry.”

“No it was my fault. I got so carried away I stacked the fire way to high. I’m sorrier.” Gusty adds, in martyred tones.

Wind Whistler nods. “Twilight, you are excused. Your Wish was not responsible for the fire.” 

The Full Stop after "fault" can be changed to a comma, and the one after "low" can also be changed to a comma.

Gusty stacked the fire way too high or the kindling? Just want to be sure this isn't word confusion here. And the Full Stop after "sorrier" can be changed to a comma. Oh, and the "to" between "way" and "high" should be a "too".

Quote

Twilight gives a relieved sigh, rises to her hooves, nods to Wind Whistler, and moves to rejoin the herd who have assembled around the now dark firepit.

“As for you two,” she turns to Danny and Gusty, “I accept your culpability in this matter.”

“Windy!” Megan exclaims.

Good for this section.

Quote

The blue pegasus hesitates, “But, of course, we forgive you both. Don’t we girls?”

“Naturally.” Ribbon says, leading off nods and murmurs of assent around the herd.

“Turning to the matter of their sentence,” Wind Whistler begins, but stops, uncertain what to suggest.

“Washing up duty would be appropriate I think.” Megan offers, drawing nods from ‘judge’, defendants and audience alike.

The Full Stop after "Naturally" can be changed to a comma.

A comma can be added between "appropriate" and "I think", and the Full Stop after "think" should be a comma.

---

end

---

hopefully that is better than my first effort. I have been paying attention to unpacking dialogue, dialogue punctuation, dashes, hyphens, run-ons (although I bet I've missed a few).

I have succumbed to adding baby pony cameos - I just couldn't help myself there. I will add a cameo pony section to the author notes in FimFic when this goes up to help with that. 

hopefully have kept the description level around the same as for the first chap (have a feeling I might go over the end of the chap for this though)

I made an odd decision to have a different narrative perspective for the second last bit - to add an overview. Not sure what I think of this. Was kinda awkward to write.

As always critique very much appreciated!

 

Okay, yes, a marked improvement over the first to be sure. You did well with unpacking the dialogue and making this more engaging. Well done. I noted whatever I saw between paragraphs and sections, but I have to say again that at times the flow was somewhat hindered by a recap or other such things.

[Octavian 5,421]

thank you for these! Wish I could take them in now but have to go in a sec. Just a few initial thoughts:

really pleased that you appreciate the unpacking! that is your influence from the other draft - this went from maybe 1K words for the original draft to over 4K taking into account the feedback on the last chap, as originally had everything very condensed with barely any dialogue and only a few character beats. I am much happier with this style, I think the whole scene is so much more alive than it was (unfortunately I do not have the original to compare this time - might save the original next time so I can compare)  

A see a lot of tightening needed with commas - I do overindulge on the sentences  will focus on this when redrafting this and for future drafts

glad you liked the narrative shift at the end! I was really in two minds about that. However, I know what you mean about some of the other problems with recap and flow. The timing is a bit more complex than for my first chap and I will think hard about a way to reorder these scenes to build up the narrative more naturally when redrafting  

noted re hyphen/dashes - knew I would get many of those wrong

glad you liked some of the unusual words! was running out of words for twilight (it was ponies who taught me it - the Crepascular Bronies)

[Octavian 5,421]

Posted Monday at 08:23 PM

 

 

  Quote

 

--Intro--

A short time has passed since the ponies finalised their campsite in the idyllic forest clearing, not far from the sunlit rainbow waterfall that Firefly and Medley had raced down that morning. After a ‘game’ in which ponies made the fire safe, prizes were awarded to the ponies who had been most helpful.

Now most of the herd have gathered around the unlit campfire, other than Galaxy, Wind Whistler, Applejack and Cherries jubilee, who are making a start on food preparation at the opposite end of the clearing, and Ribbon, who is supervising Molly and the baby ponies.

 

Expand  

Oh, how nice, a short recap. I like this a lot. Helpful to the reader for keeping track. ~ glad you liked it  

---Story--

  Quote

Danny calls for ponies to help build up the fire. Gusty eagerly nods and canters up to the pile of kindling formed of dead dried underbrush that the sweeping dancers had erected at a distance from the fire; Danny looks hopefully to Firefly, but she shakes her head, her mouth full of the toffee apple prize she had just been awarded. Masquerade, a little weary from a day of activity, reluctantly rises to her hooves, giving the sitting ponies a huffy look, but she makes no comment as she trots over to assist.

Pretty solid paragraph, a good start. You can change the semicolon there for a full stop, actually. ~ yay! and also done

  Quote

Danny produces a knife and picks up a pair of smooth sticks and enters the ring of stones in which the fire is to be built. As he whittles a groove in one of the sticks, watched curiously by multihued eyes glinting in the early evening sun, a pile of underbrush kindling is gathered by Gusty and Masquerade and placed in the centre of the stones. Danny places some dried leaves and grasses in the notch he has made, and–pausing every so often to explain the process and respond to curious questions–attempts to light the kindling matchlessly using the friction method. After some time, during which, thanks to Gusty’s efforts, the kindling pile has grown considerably, Danny achieves a little smouldering whiff of smoke which, to a collective groan from the assembled ponies, almost immediately burns out.

You should add spaces between your hyphens and the surrounding text, such that it less taxing on the eyes to separate it. So it would look like "And - pausing every so often to explain the process and respond to curious questions - attempts". ~ done

The final sentence in this paragraph contains 5 commas. While I do understand the ways in which this logically separates the parts of the sentence, it is still very much a run-on and could do with some restructuring. ~ done

  Quote

Danny’s freckled cheeks turn a little crimson and he grunts with frustration and he redoubles his efforts to start the fire.

Consider changing "and" to "as" so it reads "with frustration as he redoubles his efforts to start the fire" and the flow is more smooth as a result. ~ done

  Quote

“Danny?” Masquerade tries to get the attention of the distracted boy as she eyes a kindling pile now almost as large as herself, “Is the pile big enough?”

Well, I don't see anything that needs fixing or touching up here. ~ glad you liked it :3

  Quote

Danny just grunts in response, distracted.

This works fine too, although perhaps a change of syntax? That one is entirely your choice, there's no wrong way between the current sentence and my suggestion: "Danny, distracted, just grunts in response." ~ gone with your version, as that makes it clearer that Danny is grunting because he's distracted

  Quote

Masquerade pouts and looks around for guidance among the sitting ponies, most of whom are chatting idly about the day’s fun and do not look up. With a frustrated ‘hmmph’ the golden-yellow pegasus shrugs and sits heavily on one of the logs, gazing hungrily towards where Firefly is still munching on her winnings.

So, to be clear, is she gazing hungrily in the general direction of Firefly or actually at Firefly as she munches on her winnings? Seems like one had greater impact than the other. ~ agreed - hungry Masquerade is now gazing at Firefly munching the apple  

  Quote

 

Gusty, meanwhile, gathers and deposit kindling with characteristic energy, clearly enjoying herself–the sparkles from her horn adding to the crepuscular rays to create a halo around her eager white-furred face which grins as she drives the underbrush before her with winds that define her magic and mark her fate.

As Danny continues to struggle, ponies begin to shout encouragement.

“You can do it Danny!” the bubbly gem-eyed unicorn, Fizzy, shouts, and soon her friends Sundance and Surprise join in. The infectious enthusiasm of these ponies quickly spreads to the others until there is a general clamour of support for Danny’s efforts.

 

Expand  

Deposit should be Deposits. ~ done

Again, separate your hyphens with spaces both before and after, otherwise this looks cluttered. ~ done

Good on you, found a word I had to look up. I enjoy that, when writing requires me to learn new words then I feel as though I am both enjoying a good story and expanding my mind. Goodness knows it needs the expansion. ~ yay  

Oh, so the hyphen doesn't reach a proper conclusion, while it begins a separated narrative, it never does end it. The very next hyphen is from "white-furred" which does not act as an end point to this "aside". Consider revising. ~ done - these were separate sentences I think. I struggle with correctly punctuating the division between sentences with connected subjects  

  Quote

One such voice, belonging to Twilight, the pink star-marked unicorn who had spotted baby North Star earlier, entreats softly, “Oh I do so wish it would work this time!” A flurry of sparkles appear round her horn as she repeats her entreaty with more fervour: “I wish it would light! I wish!”

As if in response, there is a sudden ‘whoosh’ and flames seemingly burst from Danny’s hands as the stick that Danny is holding lights up.

“Wooo!” Danny whoops with delight, soon joined by similar cries of glee, led by Fizzy and Twilight.

The spark, fanned by the still-swirling winds from Gusty’s horn, jumps and crackles from dry leaf to twig of the oversized kindling pile gathered by Gusty. It takes seconds for the pile to catch, and then in mere moments more the entire pile is aflame. There is a collective ‘aah’ as the formerly dark equine shapes seated on the logs around the fire-pit are lit up orange-tinted and bathed in warmth.

Expand  

So, the noun actually attached to "appear" is flurry, which means it should be "appears".  ~ done

So, you went from "Danny's hands" to "Danny is holding" with no punctuation in between (save the apostrophe for the possessive), this means that you can safely resort to a pronoun for the second "Danny". ~ done

It's also safe to use "her" instead of "Gusty" at the end of the first sentence in the 4th paragraph, as it should be clear the pronoun is connected to Gusty. ~ done  

Now, something about "then in mere moments more the entire pile is aflame" is bothering me, and I can't quite put a finger on it. I'll return to this when I have figured it out. ~ done

  Quote

However, as the fire continues to build in intensity, Masquerade calls out in alarm. “It’s spreading too fast!”

The feathers of the golden-yellow pegasus are ruffled by the current of air drawn in by the fire. Danny leaps back as flames lick at his white trainers, leaving sooty lines on the white material.

“Aah!” he exclaims as he retreats to the ‘safe’ side of the stone circle he and the herd had erected earlier, which soon contains a roaring inferno as the flames make short work of the large heap of underbrush contained within.

“Awesome!” Gusty and Firefly chant in unison, eyes dancing with flame. However, a current of uncertainty flows through the other ponies as the fire begins to tower above them, and soon whinnies of fear break out from the timid forms of Posey and Magic Star.

“Danny, make it stop! It’s too much!” they wail.

Expand  

Okay, second paragraph: You have established that his trainers are white, leaving no need for repeat that they are white just 6 words later. ~ done

  Quote

As Gusty and Firefly’s cheers die down, a thin angry keening sound emits from the fire–fierce currents of warmed air begin to swirl around the crest of the blaze, which soon wears a crown of sparks. The now howling fire raises its head and, with a final roar, the currents become strong enough to carry the still-burning underbrush high into the night sky.

“Eeeh!” a startled high-pitched squeal comes from the unlikely form of the burly pegasus Paradise, who leaps into the air bucking madly, as her white-furred body is stung by a falling ember.

The squeal is shortly joined by the others, who retreat in a panic from the burning rain.

Soon the log-seats are deserted, with even Firefly and Gusty reluctantly falling back.

Expand  

Alright, consider replacing that hyphen with a period. The bit following the hyphen reads like a sentence that can stand on its own while context serves to keep it clear. ~ done and simplified the sentence a bit

I quite like the way you personified the fire though, marvelous stuff. ~ glad you liked it  

In the second paragraph, there should also be a comma before "Paradise", since these would be used a stop-gap to state a name without disjointing narrative ~ done

while the comma after "madly" can actually be removed safely. ~ done

  Quote

“At least we cleared the ground,” grumbles Maquerade to Danny, referring to Megan’s earlier measures and pointing her golden-yellow hoof at cinders fizzling out harmlessly as they land between the log-seats and the tents in their pony campsite.

However, Danny is not looking where she is pointing. His ginger-topped head is looking instead to the sky, where he sees the vivid orange of sparks floating serenely against the late-dusk darkness of the sky, the sun having now set. With a gulp, he turns his head to the site of their descent, a nearby tent which is lit softly from within…

Masquerade is misspelled there in the beginning, an easily missed letter "s". ~ done. eyy masquerada 

---

  Quote

While the bustling of camp life had been occurring outside, Ribbon was just finishing a bedtime story. A few of the little ponies are gathered around Ribbon and are sitting on the tent floor, while others are lying, eyes drooping, in their beds. One little one, who is cuddling a fluffy duck, is already fast asleep.

“And then the show-white princess banished the evil jet-black monster to the dark side of the moon!” Ribbon finishes, to gasps of relief from her rapt audience, and a small quack-like snore from the sleeping filly.

“Did they all live happily ever after?” asks a little yellow snout, framed by a jolly four-tone mane of navy, yellow, red and green.

The comma between "floor" and "while" can be safely removed here. ~ done - I tend to use 'while' as a comparing/contrasting term, but here it is a timing term so no comma 

A lovely reference to Nightmare Moon! ~ thanks  

  Quote

“Yes Tic Tac Toe; there were no more monsters to disturb the peace of the ponies of Equestria,” Ribbon coos.

Next, the blue unicorn embarks on calming the little ones enough to get them to sleep.

Ribbon smiles at the purple, pink-maned form of an earth pony baby, Ember, who is cuddled up with Molly, the latter stroking the little pony’s mane. “Now now girls, separate beds.” Ribbon chides.

Yes within the dialogue should have a comma after it,~done

particularly as the very next word is a Proper Noun, then the semicolon should just be a comma while within dialogue. ~ done

Remember to separate dialogue into its own paragraphs, so "Now now girls, separate beds," Ribbon chides. should be on a separate line. ~ done

  Quote

“Aw, please…” Ember pouts.

Ribbon shakes her head and with a last pet from Molly, the little pink baby earth pony curls up in her own camp-bed.

Ribbon’s ears flick as a too familiar whine, almost akin to a keening dog, sounds behind her.

“What’s the matter Fifi?” Ribbon asks immediately, knowing the likely cause and giving a little grimace.

“Fwuffy gone!” the babyish voice says sorrowfully.

Expand  

In the 4th paragraph, the words "matter" and "Fifi" should be separated by comma, as is appropriate when dealing with Proper Nouns within dialogue. ~ done - I'll bear this in mind with names in dialogue from now on

  Quote

Ribbon finally turns round, her face having adopted a more gentle moue.

“Now I’m sure Fluffy will be round here somewhere.” Ribbon says, as she drops her snout to look under the bed whereon her eyes alight on a little pink dog plush. “Here she is!”

She holds up the toy, for which the misty-eyed diminutive light blue white-maned foal is stretching out her little hooves. The foal clasps it tightly once it is once more in her possession.

“’nk you.” the foal says.

One again, lovely to find a word I need to learn! ~  

The Full Stop after "somewhere" within the dialogue of the second paragraph should be a comma, ~ done - still getting the hang of these said tags.

while the comma after "says" should not be there at all. ~ done 

Lastly, as "Here she is!" has be separated from the other part of the paragraph by a concluding Full Stop, it should be moved to its own paragraph and perhaps given more flavor. ~ done - reordered and simplified to add flavor.

The final paragraph has a Full Stop after "you" where a comma ought to be. ~ done - said tag got me again.

  Quote

No sooner has the little one snuggled down into her camping bed with her cuddly toy, does Ribbon feel a tug on her tail ribbon.

Looking up at her are three foals out of bed: besides the ribbon-puller, revealed to be Tic Tac Toe, there is a little yellow pegasus whose bouncy beach ball on its flank is hopping up and down as its own prances about, and a lavender pink-maned earth pony who is looking up at her hopefully.

“Bouncy, Lickety Split and Tic Tac Toe! It’s bed time!” Ribbon says sharply. The prancing pegasus flinches, the ice-cream marked earth baby twiddles her hooves and looks down, but the latter looks defiantly back up at Ribbon.

The first paragraph reads as disjointed, and feels as though a key word has been forgotten between "cuddly toy" and "does", perhaps replace the intervening comma with the word "than", although it feels awkward saying it that way. Still, this sentence is also awkward in its current form, so consider revising. ~ done - was trying for an informal narrator style but it ended up completely confusing me when trying to edit, so much so that the words "no sooner than" ceased to have any meaning, so I just replaced it with a simpler term. 

In the second paragraph, after Tic Tac Toe is identified, the yellow pegasus that follows is called "it" while his/her cutie mark is also called "its" or... actually "as its own prances about" is odd sounding here, so as I'm reading this paragraph I am becoming more confused about what you are trying to say. Beyond the point of three foals vying for the attention of a mare, I mean. Please consider revising. ~ done - simplified the sentence. Was trying to force Bouncy's description.  

  Quote

“But we want another story!” Tic Tac Toe pleads.

“Yeah, I can’t sleep!” adds Baby Bouncy.

“Um… please?” Baby Lickety Split offers.

Ribbon sighs, “No, girls. It’s far too late for little ponies to be up–the stars are almost out, and you know the little pony tales about the Mare on the Moon, don’t you? If you stay up past your bedtime she’ll gobble up all your nice dreams and leave you only nightmares!”

Expand  

Interesting! The defiant filly is not the first speak up, where the one who winced is. Seems like this might need some rearranging, as within context it doesn't make a lot of sense. ~ oops, meant this to be Tic Tac Toe - have changed it

Remember to place a space between hyphens and their surrounding words, otherwise you are connecting two words to create a conjunction of sorts instead. ~ done. I was confused about dashes, but it makes more sense to put in the spaces I think

  Quote

The impressionable little ponies scurry back to their beds. “But if you’re good little ponies and sleep like you should, her sister… Queen Zephyr Zither,” Ribbon improvises, “will carry the most wonderful dreams to you from her palace in the sky.”

The unicorn adult smiles as her improvised vignette has the desired effect, as soon each little pony cuddles into their beds, furry heads on soft pillows.

With a chuckle and a sparkle of her horn, Ribbon uses her telekinesis to gently waft the tent flaps, creating a light gust into the tent, “That’s probably her now! I can smell the scents from the flowers of her sky palace on the breeze,” she says in a hushed voice, as eyelids of the three begin to droop.

The comma between "effect" and "soon" can be removed. ~ done

Seems like "as eyelids" should be "as the eyelids" here. ~ done

  Quote

Ribbon, an experienced foal-sitter, stays looking at the rambunctious trio a while, before giving a final smile of satisfaction at a job well done.

However, just as she is turning to leave and re-join the adult ponies, she is stopped in her tracks as she sees one of the beds empty. Biting down on an exclamation, she searches the tent for the little compass-marked pegasus, Baby North Star, the foal whose earlier attempted expedition out of the forest clearing caused such panic earlier.

This time, fortunately, Ribbon does not have to look far. The little one is framed in the tent entrance, gazing up at the sky.

Frowning, Ribbon leans down to the foal’s silly pink head, “Baby North Star!” she hisses, trying to keep her voice low so as not to wake the others. “I’m surprised at you, young filly.”

The Full Stop after "others" in the 4th paragraph should be a comma. ~ done. Dialogue punctuation is hard  

  Quote

Ribbon is taken aback when the filly doesn’t seem to respond. Beginning to get genuinely cross, Ribbon adds: “Baby North Star! Really! I’ve half a mind to tell your mommy to fly you right back to Paradise Estate this instant.”

The foal finally reacts: “Sorry Ribbon, but I think Queen Zephyr might have made a mistake,” she says, bemusing the adult, who furrows her brow.

Before Ribbon can regain her composure and respond to the seemingly bizarre statement, her nostrils flare as they apprehend a strange and dangerous scent.

“These dreams look pretty, but smell wrong,” North Star continues, sniffing. But Ribbon isn’t listening, because just at that moment, her eyes flick to the red hot rain of embers, falling from the night sky and alighting on the tents around her.

“Fire! Help!” her voice cracks and she whinnies shrilly, but her thin voice does not carry to the ponies around the campfire and is only just loud enough to wake the other sleeping baby ponies, who jolt awake and look at her uncomprehendingly.  

Expand  

For the second paragraph, you can remove the comma after "adult" or you can change the one after "says" to a semicolon to separate the clauses. Otherwise, this punctuation is confusing. ~ done

The third paragraph really must have syntax reworked, perhaps: "Ribbon's nostrils flare before she can regain her composure, apprehending a strange and dangerous scent." Or something like that. It's rather stilted otherwise. ~ it was an awkward sentence - simplified it to make it clear that she is hesitating in response to the smell of burning tent  

Fourth Paragraph, one should not start a sentence with a preposition such as "But". You could try "However" there, or restructure the sentence to avoid this altogether. Maybe "Ribbon, however, isn't listening because just at that moment her eyes flick to the red hot rain of embers falling from night sky and alighting on the tends around here" which also removes a series of redundant commas. ~ done

  Quote

Seeing the normally calm adult so distressed, Baby North Star immediately realises something is wrong and startles back, wind-milling her hooves and flapping her little wings, rising a little into the air, before joining the adult with her own whinny.

The shrieking youngling’s cry, almost immediately joined by the other baby ponies, soon have the adults near the campfire stampeding towards the tents, but not before their dry resin-insulated tarpaulin, already smoking from the initial embers, begins to singe in earnest.

Paragraph 1 contains 4 commas and only one sentence, consider revising for better flow. The message is clear, the panic is well illustrated, the flow is staggered. ~ done. comma genocide.

Paragraph 2, the word "have" is actually connected to the article "Cry" which means it should be "has" to keep appropriate tense. ~ done

You might consider finding a way to make everything after "tents" into its own sentence, and change the comma to a Full Stop. ~ done - unpacked the second clause and made it a sentence

  Quote

Back at the campfire, Danny and the ponies, now alert to the danger of the cinders, stampede towards the tents–timid, ditzy, practical and scout ponies alike, all desperate to avert the danger. It soon becomes apparent from the wails of the baby ponies that that particular occupied tent is in trouble, which panics the frightened herd still further.

“The baby ponies!” Magic Star and Posey wail, joined quickly by the others.

“Molly!” cries Danny.

Firefly is the first to arrive at the tents, followed shortly after by Gusty and Danny.

They do not immediately see anything burning, but the smell of singed tent is everywhere.

Expand  

The first paragraph is really just reiterated what was said in the paragraph before it, feels like filler this way. ~ done - removed tent-based repetition 

Also, add spaces between hyphens and the words they intended to separate. ~ done

  Quote

“Are you alright? Where’s it catching?” the three gabble to Ribbon, their voices almost lost in the din of voices behind them.

Ribbon looks around for other faces, but not seeing wiser snouts, takes a deep breath and her horn sparkles, “Wait! You’ll panic them. First I will remove the little ones to safety. The smell is coming from over there,” her voice sounds clearly in their heads as she points to a smouldering patch of tent.

The three peer in the direction indicated. Meanwhile, the blue unicorn turns her sparkling horn towards the tent, from which emerges Molly and the baby ponies, looking scared, but under Ribbon’s calm command, they trot or walk beside her without demur, staying close and clutching the adult, bearing various cuddly toys–their quietude contrasts with the panic of the herd of adults now milling around the tents.

Expand  

Yay! A third new word for my vocabulary! ~  was looking for another word for calm 

The third paragraph has a sentence containing 7 commas. Consider revisions which separate points into sentences and avoid the run-on flow. ~ done simplified and separated the clauses

Oh, and once again the hyphens which aren't conjoining words should be given spaces to make that distinction. ~ done

  Quote

Once the baby ponies and Ribbon have retreated, Danny, Firefly and Gusty spring into action.  

Gusty, before anypony can stop her, ignites her unicorn magic in an attempt to blow away the cinders, horn blazing as she emits a powerful wind. The cinders, whose dull glow has begun to pile at the base of the tent, flutter into the air, blown by the wind. Some of these darken as their bodies cool in the early night air, but others flare brighter. Worse still, parts of the singed tent begin to join the bright oranges of the embers–as the burned patches begin to spread.

“Stop!” Firefly and Danny shout out in dismay, as they see the sparking embers alight on nearby tents.

In the second paragraph, where "whose dull glow has begun to pile at the base of the tent" is, consider using hyphens rather than commas to separate that particular flavor from the rest of the body. ~ done

And finally, add spaces to the hyphen not being used to conjoin words. ~ done

The comma after "dismay" can be removed. ~ done - I often get confused by commas for words like 'as', 'and' etc I blame school  

  Quote

Gusty hesitates and the wind abates.

“Don’t blow on them! Stomp! Use your hooves ponies! Quickly!” Danny yells. 

The herd, hearing this, try to race towards the cinders to stomp them.

Unfortunately, in the gloom, the difficulty of navigating the guy rope-strewn ground between the tents combined with the smoke thrown up from the singeing tents, and the aerial bombardment of painful embers, leads to a general confusion of ponies.  

Should add a comma between "hooves" and "ponies". ~ done

In the 4th paragraph, you can remove the comma between "tents" and "and" as the word and can usually stand on its own without a comma. ~ done

  Quote

“Ow!” Surprise, leaps into the air, shocked by an ember landing on her hind quarters.

“Oof, what the–“ Paradise takes a white hoof to her snout as Surprise’s hind hooves lash out.

“I can’t see!” complains Magic Star and Posey as theirs heads are covered in Surprise’s white feathers as she tumbles into them. 

Suddenly, a piercing whistle sounds from the air, causing everypony to look up. Above the tangle of feathers and pony limbs, the light of a lantern can be seen swaying in the air, held tightly by a girl who rides her blue pegasus steed with the confidence of an experienced rider.

Megan’s voice rings out, “EVERYPONY STOP!”

Expand  

The comma between "Surprise" and "leaps" is unnecessary and confusing, ~ done

and perhaps add that she yelps or somesuch? "Surprise yelps as she leaps into the air, shocked by an ember landing on her hind quarters." ~ done - also I love the word 'yelp'  

Third paragraph, "complains" is connected to two articles, Magic Star and Posey, which means it should be "complain", ~ done - well spotted!

and then you can work out a way to reduce the use of the word "as" in the latter part of this sentence. ~ done - simplified the sentence 

  Quote

Earlier, before the disturbance with the fire, the more responsible ponies of the camp, alongside Megan, were preparing food. These included Wind Whistler and the level-headed unicorn Galaxy. These were aided by the ponies whose skills, marked on their flanks, lay with food especially: Applejack and Cherries Jubilee.

Applejack and Jubilee had set to work preparing apple delicacies: toffee apple prizes for the winners and toffee apple tarts as desserts for everypony else. Applejack had selected the apples, the silly pony restricting herself to minimum of noms, and–under Cherries Jubilee’s supervision–poured boiling water over them. Cherries Jubilee, meanwhile undertook the preparation of the sugar, water and syrup mixture. Once the tasty apple prizes were ready, the happy winners collected them as a pre-dinner treat. Then, the two ponies set to work on the pastry for the tarts, both taking turns to whisk the eggs and mix in the flour, before rolling the pastry and setting it to bake over a camping stove oven.  

The first sentence of the first paragraph contains 4 commas, consider a revision that eliminates some of those. ~ done

And add a comma between "unicorn" and "Galaxy". ~ done - simplified the sentence

In the second paragraph, add spaces between those hyphens not being used to conjoin words and the words which surround them. ~ done

Though, honestly, adding this recap in the midst of a panic scenario like the camp catching fire seems an odd choice for narrative flow. It is ill-fitting, even to explain how any of the others had differently prepared or been shocked by the occurrence. I do see there is a divider between this and the section immediately above, so that does help. I'm not saying to remove it, but it might do to reposition it as it does interfere with the adrenaline of the other situation. ~ have experimented with moving this about, and can't quite see where to put it yet. Will look to reposition this when redrafting later. Part of the issue is the number of characters and just accounting for what the characters are doing

  Quote

As the two earth ponies dealt with the desserts, Megan, Wind Whistler and Galaxy oversaw the creation of the main course: a wholesome meal of cheese and vegetables. As the pegasus peeled and then boiled carrots she whistled a tune, with Megan joining in occasionally as she tackled the potatoes. Meanwhile, Galaxy tapped her cheese grater to the rhythm of the other two as she got her dark-pink hooves stuck in to the cheese production.

Soon the cooked vegetables and cheese were assembled in a large pot, which the trio mashed together with plenty of butter, salt and pepper, after which they set the hearty fare to cook through on a camping stove.

The last sentence of the first paragraph proves confusing to me. While I get that Galaxy is using a cheese grater, I'm not quite sure how to understand the remaining part of the sentence. ~ done, simplified the sentence and made the roles of the ponies clearer

The comma between "pepper" and "after" can be removed, and replaced with a Full Stop. ~ done

  Quote

Now the five workers convene, huddling round the camping stove and little camping oven, the area is lit in the darkness by the light of a small lantern.

“That smells delicious Cherries Jubilee,” says Galaxy, sniffing appreciatively at the small oven in which the apple tarts are cooking.

“All thanks to Applejack here,” the burly orange cherry-marked pony says modestly, causing her apple-marked friend to blush.

“When do you think the cheese and vegetables will be ready?” asks Applejack.

“All in good time,” replies Wind Whistler

Expand  

You might consider a different way of expression/explaining how the darkness is lit as this full clunky in its delivery. Maybe something more like "Now the five workers convene, huddling round the camping stove and little camping over lit only by a small lantern." ~ done - simplified and substituted 'illuminated'

Add a comma between "delicious" and "Cherries Jubilee". ~ done. Proper nouns and commas again!

  Quote

“I thought Danny would have got the fire going by now,” Megan wonders idly, looking over to the opposite side of the clearing which was still enshrouded in darkness.

For a while the five chatter idly together, checking every so often on the food, until the flared nostrils of pony snouts detect its readiness to be eaten.

Just as the five are busy assembling the plates for the food and about to call the others round the fire, Wind Whistler’s ears perk up, catching a strange sound from the other side of the clearing.

The word "enshrouded" is usually accompanied by the word "by" where "shrouded" would use the word "in" ~ done

The last paragraph contains commas with curious placement. While they serve as pauses, the way in which they divide the sentence makes for somewhat confusing flow. ~ done - removed later commas

  Quote

“Did you hear that?” she asks Megan.

Megan shakes her head, but Galaxy, next to her, stomps her hoof in alarm. “Something’s wrong! Follow me girls!”

“It’s dark. Megan, I consent to carry you.” Wind Whistler says, lowering her wing so that the human can jump on her back, holding the lantern to light her way.

After turning off the camping stoves, Applejack and Cherries Jubilee follow the sparkling horn of Galaxy, while Wind Whistler flaps heavily into the air, bearing the human.

The second paragraph is nice, but could use the addition of "and declares" after the word alarm, and then changing the Full Stop to a comma. ~ done

In the third paragraph, the Full Stop after "you" should be a comma. ~ done

  Quote

Wind Whistler’s powerful wing-beats carry Megan swiftly towards the other side of the clearing. From her vantage point Megan sees the blaze of the fire, much brighter and larger than it should be, and feels a shudder under her as the cries of the foals reach her steed’s ears. With another pony Megan would have given a pet of reassurance, but she refrains from doing so–mindful of the pride of the mare beneath her.

“It must be the fire, but how could it spread to the tents?” she wonders aloud.

Separate the hyphen with spaces if it is not being used to conjoin two words. ~ done

  Quote

“The embers must have been carried up above the clearing,” Wind Whistler says, breathing heavily, “The breeze must have caught them and they must have been big enough to retain their heat upon landing.”  

Megan, who had noticed the unusually large fire, nods her agreement, “I think you’re right. We’ll need water to put it out and soak the tents.”

“Yes, once we are closer I will summon the scouts.”

The last paragraph should still indicate who has spoken. ~ done and also clarified the sentence further

  Quote

As they near the tents, the cries of the foals diminish and an acrid burning smell warns her of the danger below.

“I see Ribbon has the foals in order at least,” Wind Whistler says approvingly.

“I wish we could say the same for the others,” Megan says despairingly, looking down at the chaos.

Stealing herself, and going into ‘leader-mode’ Megan hails the ponies the below, with the assistance of Wind Whistler.

It's odd, because though I'm certain it isn't correct, I can find nothing definitive which suggests otherwise, but "stealing" here should probably be "steeling" ~ done

Oh, and you can add a comma after 'leader-mode'. ~ done

  Quote

“Medley and Firefly come to me,” the blue pegasus directs, pointing to two sooty-hooved pink and turquoise pegasi, who nod and fly up to her.

 “Where’s North Star?” she wonders aloud, only to be greeted by a voice from above her.

“Here!” the aerial scout replies. “It was so confusing on the ground, I thought best to fire-spot from above,” she explains in response to questioning glances from both pony and rider.

 “You see that cloud?” Wind Whistler points up into the evening sky where a few wisps of cloud have begun to gather. The three nod. “Use it to put out the fire.”

Add a comma between "Firefly" and "come" ~done

Change the Full Stop after "replies" in the third paragraph to a comma, or move the ensuing dialogue to a separate paragraph, though it fits just fine there with the change in punctuation. ~ done

  Quote

The three race off towards the clouds, the pink pegasus in the lead as usual, with her turquoise friend close behind.

Once Wind Whistler lands, away from the melee, Megan dismounts. Then, with a flurry of air, the pegasus takes off after her scouts, to assist.

Good job here, I note no issues with this one. But perhaps different eyes will avail different results. ~  

  Quote

On the ground, Megan can see Galaxy’s softly glowing horn approach the tents.

“Danny, Megan, Masquerade, Paradise, Gusty and Cherries jubilee to me!” the dusky-pink unicorn calls out. “The rest of you, seek the safety of the forest’s edge, but do NOT go into the forest.”

Various shapes untangle themselves from the melee near the tents, while Applejack, ears a little flat, holds up a foreleg in the manner of many indecisive quadrupeds.

“Are you sure I can’t help?” she asks.

Capitalize the "j" in "jubilee", and change the Full Stop after "out" to a comma. ~ done

You can remove the comma after "tents" ~ done

  Quote

Galaxy shakes her head, “It’s tricky ground in the dark. You could twist a fetlock.”

Applejack sighs, nods, and sets off to the edge of the clearing.

Soon the humans and three industrious ponies are assembled around Galaxy.

“If we pour water on the tarp it’ll just slide off. Any suggestions?”

Good job here. ~  

  Quote

“I saw a programme about firefighting, which was really interesting and–“ Danny begins but is interrupted by a raised hoof from Galaxy.

“Quickly!” she interjects.  

“–and they soaked blankets which they placed on furniture to stop it burning.”

Galaxy nods. “Great idea. I’ll wink over to the water canteens. You ready the blankets.”

In the last paragraph, change the Full Stop after "nods" to a comma. ~ done

  Quote

Just as the stars are beginning to twinkle, an idle observer of Ponyland forest would see two pink pegasi push a raincloud into a plume of smoke from a fire below them in a remote clearing. As if in response, a turquoise pegasus hovering near the cloud would be seen to jump on the cloud at the signal from a piercing whistle, her hooves bouncing off it rather than passing through, creating a dark mist of rain beneath, as raindrops fall onto a hissing bonfire.

The last sentence contains 4 commas, so it should be revised to avoid run-on. ~ done

  Quote

If one was to look down in the clearing, one would see a group of adult ponies and foals huddling for protection and warmth at its edge, away from the steaming fire, while two humans, two ponies and a unicorn march efficiently between the tents, hopping nimbly–as if in a dressage performance–over guy-ropes to the light of the latter’s horn, distributing sopping blankets whenever the angry orange of a stray cinder disturbed the peace of the gloaming dark.

Fire doesn't steam, it smokes. ~ done

This is just a small thing, and doesn't actually need changing at all. You can change the comma after "fire" to Full Stop though. And add spaces between the hyphen and surrounding words if the hyphen is not being used to conjoin two words. ~ done

  Quote

Once this assortment has defeated the last of the unwelcome sparks, an observer would see many more equines gathering towards the centre of the now spark-free clearing. Fumbling towards each other in the dark, these variously coloured equines would then be seen to give each other friendly nuzzles, hugs, and licks where–were one to peer closely–patches of fur had been singed. After this, one might marvel at the orderly behaviour of the equines as foals were bedded, wet blankets and canteens were returned to the edge of the clearing, and broom-wielding pegasi brushed the sludge of a former fire away from a firepit.  

Add spaces around hyphens which are not being used to conjoin two words. Otherwise, this is a good one. ~ done

  Quote

The intrigued observer who had stayed to see these activities to their completion, would then see a pale blue pegasus, dewy fur glittering in the moonlight, perched imperiously on a log, mouth open in exclamation, as if addressing the herd. This one would be seen pointing down at a pink star-marked unicorn whose two-tone white/purple mane hangs over her head, which is hung low before the latter. Emerging from the throng of ponies behind the mare, could be seen a white leaf-marked unicorn and male human which stride forward to join this supplicant pony, solemnly patting the former and hanging their heads too.

You can remove the first comma. ~ done

You can also remove the comma between "mare" and "could" in the last sentence, ~ done

but one can be added after "white". ~ done

  Quote

If the daring observer were to creep even further forward, to hear what they were saying and discern the meaning of the strange ceremony, they would hear the following.

This is such a neat way of narrating. It's quite a tonal shift from the rest of the chapter, but I must say I didn't find it jarring. ~  yay, pleased that it worked

  Quote

“It wasn’t Twilight’s fault for her wish, it was my fault.” Danny says, head low. “The fire was my responsibility and I should have been paying more attention. I’m sorry.”

“No it was my fault. I got so carried away I stacked the fire way to high. I’m sorrier.” Gusty adds, in martyred tones.

Wind Whistler nods. “Twilight, you are excused. Your Wish was not responsible for the fire.” 

The Full Stop after "fault" can be changed to a comma, and the one after "low" can also be changed to a comma. ~ done

Gusty stacked the fire way too high or the kindling? Just want to be sure this isn't word confusion here. ~ done - clarified kindling

And the Full Stop after "sorrier" can be changed to a comma.~ done

Oh, and the "to" between "way" and "high" should be a "too". ~ done

  Quote

Twilight gives a relieved sigh, rises to her hooves, nods to Wind Whistler, and moves to rejoin the herd who have assembled around the now dark firepit.

“As for you two,” she turns to Danny and Gusty, “I accept your culpability in this matter.”

“Windy!” Megan exclaims.

Good for this section. ~  

  Quote

The blue pegasus hesitates, “But, of course, we forgive you both. Don’t we girls?”

“Naturally.” Ribbon says, leading off nods and murmurs of assent around the herd.

“Turning to the matter of their sentence,” Wind Whistler begins, but stops, uncertain what to suggest.

“Washing up duty would be appropriate I think.” Megan offers, drawing nods from ‘judge’, defendants and audience alike.

The Full Stop after "Naturally" can be changed to a comma. ~ done

A comma can be added between "appropriate" and "I think", and the Full Stop after "think" should be a comma. ~ done

---

end

---

hopefully that is better than my first effort. I have been paying attention to unpacking dialogue, dialogue punctuation, dashes, hyphens, run-ons (although I bet I've missed a few).

I have succumbed to adding baby pony cameos - I just couldn't help myself there. I will add a cameo pony section to the author notes in FimFic when this goes up to help with that. 

hopefully have kept the description level around the same as for the first chap (have a feeling I might go over the end of the chap for this though)

I made an odd decision to have a different narrative perspective for the second last bit - to add an overview. Not sure what I think of this. Was kinda awkward to write.

As always critique very much appreciated!

 

Okay, yes, a marked improvement over the first to be sure. You did well with unpacking the dialogue and making this more engaging. Well done. I noted whatever I saw between paragraphs and sections, but I have to say again that at times the flow was somewhat hindered by a recap or other such things. 

 

 

Thanks so much again for the detailed suggestions! Have got virtually everything in but will have to give a think about the recap section and the issue with flow. Will have to think about comma use with names and avoid overusing commas with sequencing phrases (as, while, and) continue working on dialogue punctuation, sort out dashes and simplifying sentences.

[flutterJackdash 218]

Within dialogue, if you are leading to or following a Proper Noun, this will call for the use of a comma.

Such as: "Yes, Melody," he said.

Also, another rule to keep in mind, possibly to avoid confusion; is that if the dialogue closes at the end of the paragraph it is in, you can usually end it with a Full Stop or other related punctuation. Though, if the dialogue is using punctuation in part to express the tone in which it is being delivered, then the punctuation (!, ?, etc.) can, of course, stand in place of a comma. The comma is used when the dialogue concludes before identifying the speaker and the related actions of the speaker, except in the case where other punctuation is used to illustrate tone.

As for comma use within a sentence, remember that these are meant to indicate brief pauses in the narrative, or to step through a listing of things, and they aren't always needed. Though, the last two items in a list don't usually require a comma where the word "and" fits nicely. You can try saying the things out loud that you are writing, and note where you personally are pausing as you say it. I've found that this helps me to decide on how to place commas, or whether or not they are even necessary. I certainly did it as I was reading through what you wrote, reading the sentences out loud to figure out for myself how it feels for flow.

English is often said to be the most difficult language to learn. Of course it is, we have like 50 words for every single thing. We have numerous words that sound exactly alike and mean entirely different things. We have letter arrangements that, while laid out the same, are sounded out quite different. Cough, Bough, Through. Tough. After that, we must attend to punctuation and general grammar which comes with a set of rules complicated enough to warrant a book entirely their own. Yet, the English dictionary, at least Webster's, began with little to no concern for precision in spelling and no accepted correct version of any particular word.

Anyway, I'm glad to be of help. Glad this knowledge is doing somebody some good.

You're quite welcome.

[Octavian 5,421]

9 hours ago, flutterJackdash said:

Within dialogue, if you are leading to or following a Proper Noun, this will call for the use of a comma.

Such as: "Yes, Melody," he said.

 

Also, another rule to keep in mind, possibly to avoid confusion; is that if the dialogue closes at the end of the paragraph it is in, you can usually end it with a Full Stop or other related punctuation. Though, if the dialogue is using punctuation in part to express the tone in which it is being delivered, then the punctuation (!, ?, etc.) can, of course, stand in place of a comma. The comma is used when the dialogue concludes before identifying the speaker and the related actions of the speaker, except in the case where other punctuation is used to illustrate tone.

I'm getting the hang of this a little better, I think. Have just been reviewing the chapter and am thinking harder about the dialogue punctuation.

 

9 hours ago, flutterJackdash said:

As for comma use within a sentence, remember that these are meant to indicate brief pauses in the narrative, or to step through a listing of things, and they aren't always needed. Though, the last two items in a list don't usually require a comma where the word "and" fits nicely. You can try saying the things out loud that you are writing, and note where you personally are pausing as you say it. I've found that this helps me to decide on how to place commas, or whether or not they are even necessary. I certainly did it as I was reading through what you wrote, reading the sentences out loud to figure out for myself how it feels for flow.

speaking it through definitely helps! This is probably gonna be harder to fully grasp - especially for sequencing words. On the first draft of the story I'm often trying to pack too much in to sentences (like the description of Baby Bouncy which was both confusing and didn't flow at first) and that contributes to the grammar issues - as I go through proofing it is easier to focus on the flow of the narrative, and I think it's a lot easier to read after your suggestions! 

speaking of the bigger flow issue with the action - I think I have sorted that now without hopefully causing any confusion. I've moved the section setting up the food preparers up:

Quote

Quote

However, Danny is not looking where she is pointing. His ginger-topped head is looking instead to the sky, where he sees the vivid orange of sparks floating serenely against the late-dusk darkness of the sky, the sun having now set. With a gulp, he turns his head to the site of their descent, a nearby tent which is lit softly from within…

---

Earlier, Megan, Wind Whistler, Galaxy Applejack and Cherries Jubilee had been helping to prepare the food for dinner.

Applejack and Jubilee had set to work preparing apple delicacies: toffee apple prizes for the winners and toffee apple tarts as desserts for everypony else. Applejack had selected the apples, the silly pony restricting herself to minimum of noms, and – under Cherries Jubilee’s supervision – poured boiling water over them. Cherries Jubilee, meanwhile, undertook the preparation of the sugar, water and syrup mixture. Once the tasty apple prizes were ready, the happy winners collected them as a pre-dinner treat. Then, the two ponies set to work on the pastry for the tarts, both taking turns to whisk the eggs and mix in the flour, before rolling the pastry and setting it to bake over a camping stove oven.  

As the two earth ponies dealt with the desserts, Megan, Wind Whistler and Galaxy oversaw the creation of the main course: a wholesome meal of cheese and vegetables. The pegasus peeled and then boiled carrots and Megan tackled the potatoes. Galaxy, meanwhile, grated the cheese. The three sing a tune as they work, with Galaxy tapping the grater as improvised percussion.

Soon the cooked vegetables and cheese were assembled in a large pot, which the trio mashed together with plenty of butter, salt and pepper. After which they set the hearty fare to cook through on a camping stove.

---

While the bustling of camp life had been occurring outside, Ribbon was just finishing a bedtime story. A few of the little ponies are gathered around Ribbon and are sitting on the tent floor while others are lying, eyes drooping, in their beds. One little one, who is cuddling a fluffy duck, is already fast asleep.

 

Quote

Suddenly, a piercing whistle sounds from the air, causing everypony to look up. Above the tangle of feathers and pony limbs, the light of a lantern can be seen swaying in the air, held tightly by a girl who rides her blue pegasus steed with the confidence of an experienced rider.

Megan’s voice rings out, “EVERYPONY STOP!”

---

A little earlier, Megan and the four ponies working on dinner, who have now finished the food preparation, are huddled round a camping stove and oven on which sits a large pot of cheese and vegetables, their faces illuminated by the light of a small lantern.

 

9 hours ago, flutterJackdash said:

English is often said to be the most difficult language to learn. Of course it is, we have like 50 words for every single thing. We have numerous words that sound exactly alike and mean entirely different things. We have letter arrangements that, while laid out the same, are sounded out quite different. Cough, Bough, Through. Tough. After that, we must attend to punctuation and general grammar which comes with a set of rules complicated enough to warrant a book entirely their own. Yet, the English dictionary, at least Webster's, began with little to no concern for precision in spelling and no accepted correct version of any particular word.

heh, that is so true. It's not too tough to make general sense in maybe (although as a native speaker that's hard for me to judge), but writing it without errors is tough! Those ough sounds are a good example of English being crazy. Also interesting about Websters! I guess that's unsurprising in a way - maybe they didn't want to exclude some dialect English spellings? Typical organic English compromise approach.  

[flutterJackdash 218]

6 hours ago, abrony-mouse said:

I'm getting the hang of this a little better, I think. Have just been reviewing the chapter and am thinking harder about the dialogue punctuation.

 

speaking it through definitely helps! This is probably gonna be harder to fully grasp - especially for sequencing words. On the first draft of the story I'm often trying to pack too much in to sentences (like the description of Baby Bouncy which was both confusing and didn't flow at first) and that contributes to the grammar issues - as I go through proofing it is easier to focus on the flow of the narrative, and I think it's a lot easier to read after your suggestions! 

speaking of the bigger flow issue with the action - I think I have sorted that now without hopefully causing any confusion. I've moved the section setting up the food preparers up:

 

 

heh, that is so true. It's not too tough to make general sense in maybe (although as a native speaker that's hard for me to judge), but writing it without errors is tough! Those ough sounds are a good example of English being crazy. Also interesting about Websters! I guess that's unsurprising in a way - maybe they didn't want to exclude some dialect English spellings? Typical organic English compromise approach.  

Glad you're getting something out of this! Happy to help!

Quote

 

Suddenly, a piercing whistle sounds from the air, causing everypony to look up. Above the tangle of feathers and pony limbs, the light of a lantern can be seen swaying in the air, held tightly by a girl who rides her blue pegasus steed with the confidence of an experienced rider.

Megan’s voice rings out, “EVERYPONY STOP!”

---

A little earlier, Megan and the four ponies working on dinner, who have now finished the food preparation, are huddled round a camping stove and oven on which sits a large pot of cheese and vegetables, their faces illuminated by the light of a small lantern.

 

So, I do want to point something out, and it's to do with the recap bit again. I do like the placement of it, works better that way, no longer feels awkward or detached... But, now you're writing a flashback, which begins with the word "Earlier" and proceeds in the present tense. You've been very consistent with your tense, which by the way is very difficult to do, but for this you should consider breaking it up to fit the tone of a flashback. For now, it reads as though it is part of the current narrative rather than as something which took place at an earlier time which we are reading it until we catch back up to the present events.

---

Okay, so, for help with sequencing words? My trick is this, at least when the sentence contains only two commas. I read the sentence as it is before the first comma, and after the second comma, to see if they both fit together properly without the intervening text between the two commas, which is usually how the flow in that case is meant to work. If they feel at all awkward, then I must review how my commas are being used, and how things have been written. After that, you can figure out where in speech you might pause in the telling of the story to add valuable information which makes characters and scenes more distinct and descript, and in those places you would find that a comma separation is appropriate. Of course, you'll still want to avoid writing paragraphs that are novels unto themselves and sentences that go on for miles.

[Octavian 5,421]

 

 

 

3 hours ago, flutterJackdash said:

Okay, so, for help with sequencing words? My trick is this, at least when the sentence contains only two commas. I read the sentence as it is before the first comma, and after the second comma, to see if they both fit together properly without the intervening text between the two commas, which is usually how the flow in that case is meant to work. If they feel at all awkward, then I must review how my commas are being used, and how things have been written. After that, you can figure out where in speech you might pause in the telling of the story to add valuable information which makes characters and scenes more distinct and descript, and in those places you would find that a comma separation is appropriate. Of course, you'll still want to avoid writing paragraphs that are novels unto themselves and sentences that go on for miles.

interesting - remove the descriptive things and go back to the fundamental sentence and work out how it should work. I will try that, thanks  

 

3 hours ago, flutterJackdash said:

So, I do want to point something out, and it's to do with the recap bit again. I do like the placement of it, works better that way, no longer feels awkward or detached... But, now you're writing a flashback, which begins with the word "Earlier" and proceeds in the present tense. You've been very consistent with your tense, which by the way is very difficult to do, but for this you should consider breaking it up to fit the tone of a flashback. For now, it reads as though it is part of the current narrative rather than as something which took place at an earlier time which we are reading it until we catch back up to the present events.

ooh, good point about the tenses. That scene happens in the past and brings the ponies to the present, so I've written it in the past tenjse now (which shifts things about a bit more than I thought - the feel of the past tense is so different, more contemplative, but I think it fits the calmness of the four ponies and Megan chatting about their work):

 

Quote

Suddenly, a piercing whistle sounds from the air, causing everypony to look up. Above the tangle of feathers and pony limbs, the light of a lantern can be seen swaying in the air, held tightly by a girl who rides her blue pegasus steed with the confidence of an experienced rider.

Megan’s voice rings out, “EVERYPONY STOP!”

---

A little earlier, Megan and the four ponies, having finished the food preparation, huddled round a camping stove and oven on which sits a large pot of cheese and vegetables, their faces illuminated by the light of a small lantern.

Galaxy sniffed appreciatively at the small oven in which the apple tarts are cooking. 

“That smells delicious, Cherries Jubilee,” she said.

“All thanks to Applejack here,” the burly orange cherry-marked pony replied modestly, causing her apple-marked friend to blush.

“I thought Danny would have got the fire going by now,” Megan wondered idly, looking over to the opposite side of the clearing which is enshrouded by darkness.

For a while the five chattered together, checking every so often on the food, until the flared nostrils of pony snouts detected its readiness to be eaten.

Just as the five busied themselves assembling the eating utensils and were about to call the others round the fire, Wind Whistler’s ears perked up as she heard a strange sound from the other side of the clearing.

The pegasus turned to Megan, “Did you hear that?”

Megan shook her head, but Galaxy, next to her, stomped her hoof in alarm.

“Something’s wrong! Follow me girls!” she declared.

Wind Whistler trotted up to the human. “Megan, I consent to carry you,” she said and lowered her wings for Megan to jump on her back.

After turning off the camping stoves, Applejack and Cherries Jubilee set off towards the tents, following the sparkling horn of Galaxy. 

Wind Whistler flapped heavily into the air, bearing Megan, who swept up the lantern as they took off .

Wind Whistler’s powerful wing-beats carried Megan swiftly towards the other side of the clearing. From her vantage point, Megan saw the blaze of the fire, much brighter and larger than it should be, and felt a shudder under her as the cries of the foals reached her steed’s ears. With another pony, Megan would have given a pet of reassurance, but she refrained from doing so – mindful of the pride of the mare beneath her.

“It must be the fire, but how could it spread to the tents?” she wondered aloud.

“The embers must have been carried up above the clearing,” Wind Whistler replied, breathing heavily. “The breeze must have caught them and they must have been big enough to retain their heat upon landing.”  

Megan, who had noticed the unusually large fire, nodded her agreement, “I think you’re right. We’ll need water to put it out and soak the tents.”

“Yes, once we are closer I will summon the scouts to retrieve a raincloud.” Wind Whistler determined.

As they near the tents, the cries of the foals diminished and an acrid burning smell warned her of the danger below.

“I see Ribbon has the foals in order at least,” Wind Whistler observed approvingly.

“I wish we could say the same for the others,” Megan said despairingly, as she looked down at the tangle of ponies and tents beneath her.

Steeling herself, and going into ‘leader-mode,’ Megan hailed the ponies below, with the assistance of Wind Whistler.

---

“Medley and Firefly, come to me,” the blue pegasus directs, pointing to two sooty-hooved pink and turquoise pegasi, who nod and fly up to her.

 “Where’s North Star?” the latter wonders aloud, only to be greeted by a voice from above.

“Here!” the aerial scout replies and both look up, “It was so confusing on the ground, I thought best to fire-spot from the sky,” North Star explains in response to questioning glances from both pony and rider.

 “You see that cloud?” Wind Whistler points up into the evening sky where a few wisps of cloud have begun to gather and the three nod. “Use it to put out the fire.”

The three race off in the direction indicated, the pink, blue-maned pegasus in the lead as usual, with her turquoise friend close behind.

Once Wind Whistler lands, away from the melee, Megan dismounts. Then, with a flurry of air, the pegasus takes off after her scouts, to assist.

 

[Peace Petal 11]

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

dead dried underbrush

Add a comma between dead and dried.

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

bubbly gem-eyed

Add a comma between bubbly and gem-eyed

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

pink star-marked

Add a comma between pink and star-marked

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

the burly pegasus, Paradise

Hmm... burly isn't the word I would have used for Paradise, personally. I always thought of her of more of a lore-master, storyteller, bookworm even.

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

silly pony

Heh... I get that reference.

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

misty-eyed diminutive light blue white-maned

This needs some commas: "misty-eyed, diminutive, light blue, white-maned"

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

Ribbon uses her telekinesis to gently waft the tent flaps

Agh, wait! Telekinesis is Buttons's thing. If every unicorn can do telekinesis, what can Buttons do?

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

tent, “That’s

This comma should be a period.

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

head, “Baby

This comma should be a period.

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

wind-milling her hooves

I don't think this hyphen is necessary.

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

sparkles, “Wait!

This comma should be a period.

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

the guy rope-strewn ground

This doesn't make sense to me. Does "guy" have some British meaning I'm not aware of?

Whoa, you wrote a section in past tense. I see why you did it; you jumped back in time to just before the fire in the tent started. But it was kind of jarring considering the story has been in present tense so far.

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

the burly orange cherry-marked pony

Put a comma after burly and after orange: "the burly, orange, cherry-marked pony"

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

Megan shook her head, but Galaxy, next to her, stomped her hoof in alarm.

Oh, I like this little detail. Horse hearing is sharper than human hearing.

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

“It must be the fire, but how could it spread to the tents?” she wondered aloud.

This pronoun is unclear. It could be Megan or Wind Whistler.

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

‘leader-mode,’

I believe this hyphen in unnecessary.

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

two sooty-hooved pink and turquoise pegasi

Add a comma between sooty-hooved and pink.

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

replies and both look up, “It

Add a comma after replies, and replace the comma after up with a period.

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

to gather and the three nod

Put a comma after gather.

I see you've established Firefly as being the fastest of the ponies. Now I'm curious where Whizzer is and which of the two you consider to be faster. Unfortunately we'll never know for sure because they never met.

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

Soon the humans and three industrious ponies are assembled around Galaxy.

She called for Gusty, Paradise, Masquerade, and Cheeries Jubilee. There should be four, right?

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

an idle observer of Ponyland forest would see

I'm not sure I like this. You could just as easily describe what's happening without referencing this "one would see" thing you use in this section. It seems like wasted words to me.

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

two unicorns  efficiently

It looks like you accidentally put two spaces between unicorns and efficiently.

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

guy-ropes

Oh, yeah, I guess this must mean something. I'm not sure what.

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

pink star-marked unicorn

Add a comma between pink and star-marked.

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

Your Wish

You capitalized this here, but not earlier. Pick one. Also, I love how everyone treats Wind Whistler as Mom.

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

Don’t we girls

I believe you need a comma after we.

 

On 2022-10-03 at 4:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

I think.” Megan

This period should be a comma.

 

Ah, I noticed that you put a comment at the end about the narrative style of the second to last section. You said you found it awkward to write. I also found it awkward to read. It was a rather strange shift in narrative style from the rest of the story. I'd also say the same about the section you write entirely in past tense. I noticed that you often introduced new sections in past tense to establish that we had gone back in time a little bit, but I don't know why you wrote the entire section in past tense in this case.

I didn't read through flutterJackdash's comments, so I don't know if we commented on all the same stuff. Or if we gave contradictory grammar pointers. That would be awkward...

This section was, overall, better than the first! You slowed down the pacing a little more to include more dialogue, which was helpful towards getting these characters more clearly established. That'd be especially helpful for readers who don't know the G1 characters already. You also improved a lot in terms of grammar. There are still mistakes, but far less frequent ones. The most common mistake is commas. You need a comma between adjectives if there are two or more in a row. You also need a comma splitting two complete sentences joined by an "and," "but," or "or."

This was a fun read. I look forward to the next one.

[Octavian 5,421]

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

dead dried underbrush

Add a comma between dead and dried. ~ done

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

bubbly gem-eyed

Add a comma between bubbly and gem-eyed ~ done

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

pink star-marked ~ done

Add a comma between pink and star-marked

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

the burly pegasus, Paradise

Hmm... burly isn't the word I would have used for Paradise, personally. I always thought of her of more of a lore-master, storyteller, bookworm even. ~ I know what you mean - I think I formed this impression because first saw Paradise as a handimare in the ep where the furniture comes alive and the voice acting for her made her seem a bit more butch. I also put Masquerade in the role as story-teller (the next chap will cover this) which made me look for another role for Paradise. But I think I must rewrite my Paradise to be true to her character, as she is clearly meant to be a pony who loves stories, so I have removed this reference and will have to significantly alter the next chapter to reflect this.

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

silly pony

Heh... I get that reference. ~  

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

misty-eyed diminutive light blue white-maned

This needs some commas: "misty-eyed, diminutive, light blue, white-maned" ~ done. I need to put commas between subsequent adjectives!

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

Ribbon uses her telekinesis to gently waft the tent flaps

Agh, wait! Telekinesis is Buttons's thing. If every unicorn can do telekinesis, what can Buttons do? ~ arf, a FiM error. Interestingly, we have not Buttons yet. Might look to have a Buttons cameo in the next chap or so.

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

tent, “That’s

This comma should be a period. ~ done

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

head, “Baby

This comma should be a period. ~ done - still getting the hang of dialogue 

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

wind-milling her hooves

I don't think this hyphen is necessary. ~ I think you are right *checks google* yup. My spell-checker which insists windmilling isn't a word is wrong  

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

sparkles, “Wait!

This comma should be a period. ~ done. 

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

the guy rope-strewn ground

This doesn't make sense to me. Does "guy" have some British meaning I'm not aware of? ~ it's awkward because guy ropes are not hyphenated and yet it feels wrong. I have removed the hyphen

Whoa, you wrote a section in past tense. I see why you did it; you jumped back in time to just before the fire in the tent started. But it was kind of jarring considering the story has been in present tense so far. ~ I know what you mean and I am playing around with this. The problem I had was that originally I left out any explanation of what Megan et al were doing before the fire, but that made the characterisation flat. So I added in  section about what they were doing, but it has to occur before the fire breaks out and so cannot happen in sequence. If I write it in present tense, as @flutterJackdash mentioned, it feels strange because it is in the past, but if I write it past tense, the shift is a bit jarring.

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

the burly orange cherry-marked pony

Put a comma after burly and after orange: "the burly, orange, cherry-marked pony" ~ done

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

Megan shook her head, but Galaxy, next to her, stomped her hoof in alarm.

Oh, I like this little detail. Horse hearing is sharper than human hearing. ~ glad you picked up on that  I like to pick up on the differences between horses and humans which was absent in FiM. It's also why I use riding terminology (steed etc) when Megan rides Wind Whistler - to emphasise that at some level she does think of the ponies in a way that is similar to the horses of her home (weirdly Firefly in midnight castle challenges Megan "You do know how to ride don't you?" which kinda suggests ponies expect people to ride them and was also a line that stuck with me. 

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

“It must be the fire, but how could it spread to the tents?” she wondered aloud.

This pronoun is unclear. It could be Megan or Wind Whistler. ~ done (it was Megan)

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

‘leader-mode,’

I believe this hyphen in unnecessary. ~ done

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

two sooty-hooved pink and turquoise pegasi

Add a comma between sooty-hooved and pink. ~ done

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

replies and both look up, “It

Add a comma after replies, and replace the comma after up with a period.  ~ done

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

to gather and the three nod

Put a comma after gather. ~ done

I see you've established Firefly as being the fastest of the ponies. Now I'm curious where Whizzer is and which of the two you consider to be faster. Unfortunately we'll never know for sure because they never met. ~ heh interesting point. Whizzer is actually featured in the next chapter. In terms of the story Firefly is the scout pony, so she can have the most useful moves. But as you will see in the next chapter Whizzer, I went with Whizzer more as fast talking than fast moving  In a race, though, I think I'd go with Whizzer for raw speed, but massively Firefly for control - Whizzer is more like Lightning Dust in that respect (reckless speed), while Firefly is like Dashie.  

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

Soon the humans and three industrious ponies are assembled around Galaxy.

She called for Gusty, Paradise, Masquerade, and Cheeries Jubilee. There should be four, right? ~ done (I added Gusty afterwards and forgot to adjust)

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

an idle observer of Ponyland forest would see

I'm not sure I like this. You could just as easily describe what's happening without referencing this "one would see" thing you use in this section. It seems like wasted words to me. ~ yes, was in two minds about this. I know what you mean. It's meant to give a sense of an overview - like in a comic where you get a zoomed out panel. There's something alluring about the idea of looking in on the ponies as if the reader is an observer though, so I won't change it just yet, but when I come back to the chapter I will give this another think and see if it shouldn't be simplified into just an overview without the pretend observer.

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

two unicorns  efficiently

It looks like you accidentally put two spaces between unicorns and efficiently. ~ done

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

guy-ropes

Oh, yeah, I guess this must mean something. I'm not sure what.  ~ done (I wonder if guy rope is more a UK thing. Perhaps is more guylines over there? Anyway it generally doesn't take a hyphen I think.)

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

pink star-marked unicorn

Add a comma between pink and star-marked. ~ done

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

Your Wish

You capitalized this here, but not earlier. Pick one. Also, I love how everyone treats Wind Whistler as Mom. ~ done and yep - I love Windy's status among the herd and Windy's character in general, which I was introduced to in your fic (which is of course very close to the show Windy). If this story gets anywhere near its completion, this mare will go on a big journey.

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

Don’t we girls

I believe you need a comma after we. ~ done

 

  On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

I think.” Megan

This period should be a comma. ~ done. Getting better at the said tags, but missed that one.

 

Ah, I noticed that you put a comment at the end about the narrative style of the second to last section. You said you found it awkward to write. I also found it awkward to read. It was a rather strange shift in narrative style from the rest of the story. I'd also say the same about the section you write entirely in past tense. I noticed that you often introduced new sections in past tense to establish that we had gone back in time a little bit, but I don't know why you wrote the entire section in past tense in this case. ~ yes, picked up on these above. I will go away from the story and after a break think about these parts and whether there is not a more natural way to sequence them

I didn't read through flutterJackdash's comments, so I don't know if we commented on all the same stuff. Or if we gave contradictory grammar pointers. That would be awkward...

This section was, overall, better than the first! You slowed down the pacing a little more to include more dialogue, which was helpful towards getting these characters more clearly established.~ glad you liked it! Rereading it, it is definitely slower and more story-like than the first chap

That'd be especially helpful for readers who don't know the G1 characters already. You also improved a lot in terms of grammar.~ heh well, while I do think I took on board quite a few of your and Flutterjack's lessons, my grammar is a WIP  Flutterjackdash sorted out a lot of the grammar from the initial draft 

There are still mistakes, but far less frequent ones. The most common mistake is commas. You need a comma between adjectives if there are two or more in a row. ~ yes, will look for this now, as that was a consistent issue

You also need a comma splitting two complete sentences joined by an "and," "but," or "or." ~ will look out for this - this is something I should do really since it's one of the few grammar things I learned from school, but as the rest of the grammar gets more complex I need to make sure I don't lost sight of the basics

This was a fun read. I look forward to the next one. ~ glad you liked it, and thanks so much again for the very thorough and dead-on accuracy of your suggestions! I am so grateful to you and @flutterJackdashfor the high quality of both of your help with this  

[flutterJackdash 218]

I honestly had no idea how difficult this book is to find. Nor how pricey it is. Honestly, though, it has saved my life.

And happy to help, I love to see good potential grow.

[Peace Petal 11]

3 hours ago, abrony-mouse said:

arf, a FiM error. Interestingly, we have not Buttons yet. Might look to have a Buttons cameo in the next chap or so.

I also noticed that you included a few other G4 concepts. You referred to "Equestria" (a G4 term; the G1 world is generally referred to as Ponyland, while the specific place the ponies are from is Dream Valley) and you used the word "everypony" (that didn't become a thing until G4). I assumed you had done this on purpose. If it was an accident, now you are aware!

 

3 hours ago, abrony-mouse said:

If I write it in present tense, as @flutterJackdash mentioned, it feels strange because it is in the past, but if I write it past tense, the shift is a bit jarring.

I guess there's a good reason to go either way. Do what your heart desires, then.

 

3 hours ago, abrony-mouse said:

~ glad you picked up on that  I like to pick up on the differences between horses and humans which was absent in FiM. It's also why I use riding terminology (steed etc) when Megan rides Wind Whistler

Yeah, I noticed this, and I love it. For me, the more horse-like the ponies are, the better!

 

3 hours ago, abrony-mouse said:

I wonder if guy rope is more a UK thing. Perhaps is more guylines over there?

Either that or I just don't use ropes enough.

Happy to help. G1 is fun!

[Octavian 5,421]

7 hours ago, flutterJackdash said:

I honestly had no idea how difficult this book is to find. Nor how pricey it is. Honestly, though, it has saved my life.

And happy to help, I love to see good potential grow.

ooh, thanks  have picked that up now (used copied are fairly reasonable on UK amazon)

3 hours ago, Peace Petal said:

I also noticed that you included a few other G4 concepts. You referred to "Equestria" (a G4 term; the G1 world is generally referred to as Ponyland, while the specific place the ponies are from is Dream Valley) and you used the word "everypony" (that didn't become a thing until G4). I assumed you had done this on purpose. If it was an accident, now you are aware!

ah well the Equestria reference in the bedtime story is deliberate there - idea is that it's like a fairytale world for the Ponyland ponies. As for the horsisms, hmm I did think I might include them, but actually it helps emphasise the separation between the generations, which will be a feature later (and no human would say everypony) so I think I will change that. (The difference could become more significant later in the next Part too.)

3 hours ago, Peace Petal said:

Happy to help. G1 is fun!

heh yep - so much adventure and character potential there! At the later stages of the story when the headcanon gets going, the full of majesty of the G1 world will hopefully be put on display. 

[Octavian 5,421]

@Peace Petal and @flutterJackdashwas just idly rereading the second last section, and I have worked out what I thought was a bit iffy with it. It wasn't written in the past tense of "would" it was trying to be written in the conditional tense - the perspective of an observer that might be present (ie you would see if you were there). I was putting in too much "woulds" though (saying the ponies 'would' do things was confusing it with the past tense I think), repeating 'observer' too much and I think the tense prefers a less formal, more personal kind of delivery ("If I'd been there I would've seen Firefly!" kinda thing) so I have switched it to "you would see" where "you" is essentially what the reader would be doing. Still not 100% but am a bit happier with the flow. 

  

On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

 

Just as the stars are beginning to twinkle, if you were looking down on Ponyland forest you would see two pink pegasi push a raincloud into a plume of smoke from a fire below them in a remote clearing. As if in response, a turquoise pegasus hovering near the cloud jumps on it at the signal from a piercing whistle, her hooves bouncing off rather than passing through with the result that a dark mist of rain is formed beneath which falls into the smoke.

Taking a closer look, peering down in the clearing, a group of adult ponies and foals could be seen huddling for protection and warmth at its edge, away from the fire. At the same time, two humans, two ponies and two unicorns efficiently traverse the spaces between the tents, hopping nimbly – as if in a dressage performance – over guy ropes to the light of the latter’s horns, distributing sopping blankets whenever the angry orange of a stray cinder disturbed the peace of the gloaming dark. Once this assortment has defeated the last of the unwelcome sparks, many more equines gather towards the centre of the now spark-free clearing. Fumbling towards each other in the dark, these variously coloured equines give each other friendly nuzzles, hugs, and licks where – were one to peer closely – patches of fur had been singed.

After this, you might marvel at the orderly behaviour of the equines as foals were bedded, wet blankets and canteens were returned to the edge of the clearing, and broom-wielding pegasi brushed the sludge of a former fire away from a firepit.  

The intrigued witness to these events who had stayed to see these activities to their completion would then see a pale blue pegasus, dewy fur glittering in the moonlight, perched imperiously on a log, mouth open in exclamation, as if addressing the herd. This one points down at a pink, star-marked unicorn whose two-tone white/purple mane hangs over her head, which is bowed low before the latter. Emerging from the throng of ponies behind the mare, a white, leaf-marked unicorn and male human stride forward to join this supplicant pony, solemnly patting the former and hanging their heads too.

Creeping even further forward to discern the meaning of the strange ceremony, you would hear the following.

 

[flutterJackdash 218]

6 hours ago, abrony-mouse said:

@Peace Petal and @flutterJackdashwas just idly rereading the second last section, and I have worked out what I thought was a bit iffy with it. It wasn't written in the past tense of "would" it was trying to be written in the conditional tense - the perspective of an observer that might be present (ie you would see if you were there). I was putting in too much "woulds" though (saying the ponies 'would' do things was confusing it with the past tense I think), repeating 'observer' too much and I think the tense prefers a less formal, more personal kind of delivery ("If I'd been there I would've seen Firefly!" kinda thing) so I have switched it to "you would see" where "you" is essentially what the reader would be doing. Still not 100% but am a bit happier with the flow. 

  

Quote

 

Just as the stars are beginning to twinkle, if you were looking down on Ponyland forest you would see two pink pegasi push a raincloud into a plume of smoke from a fire below them in a remote clearing. As if in response, a turquoise pegasus hovering near the cloud jumps on it at the signal from a piercing whistle, her hooves bouncing off rather than passing through with the result that a dark mist of rain is formed beneath which falls into the smoke.

Taking a closer look, peering down in the clearing, a group of adult ponies and foals could be seen huddling for protection and warmth at its edge, away from the fire. At the same time, two humans, two ponies and two unicorns efficiently traverse the spaces between the tents, hopping nimbly – as if in a dressage performance – over guy ropes to the light of the latter’s horns, distributing sopping blankets whenever the angry orange of a stray cinder disturbed the peace of the gloaming dark. Once this assortment has defeated the last of the unwelcome sparks, many more equines gather towards the centre of the now spark-free clearing. Fumbling towards each other in the dark, these variously coloured equines give each other friendly nuzzles, hugs, and licks where – were one to peer closely – patches of fur had been singed.

After this, you might marvel at the orderly behaviour of the equines as foals were bedded, wet blankets and canteens were returned to the edge of the clearing, and broom-wielding pegasi brushed the sludge of a former fire away from a firepit.  

The intrigued witness to these events who had stayed to see these activities to their completion would then see a pale blue pegasus, dewy fur glittering in the moonlight, perched imperiously on a log, mouth open in exclamation, as if addressing the herd. This one points down at a pink, star-marked unicorn whose two-tone white/purple mane hangs over her head, which is bowed low before the latter. Emerging from the throng of ponies behind the mare, a white, leaf-marked unicorn and male human stride forward to join this supplicant pony, solemnly patting the former and hanging their heads too.

Creeping even further forward to discern the meaning of the strange ceremony, you would hear the following.

 

 

Actually, you're shifting between two tenses as the second paragraph progresses. Same with the second-to-last paragraph, although as you also change perspective there it seems to fit. But only just.

[Octavian 5,421]

24 minutes ago, flutterJackdash said:

Actually, you're shifting between two tenses as the second paragraph progresses. Same with the second-to-last paragraph, although as you also change perspective there it seems to fit. But only just.

arf  good point - I though it could get away with it at first, but rereading I think not. Added more ifs and "you would sees" (and then taken some away and tweaked ) and am happyish again. It may just need to be put in past tense, but I am still quite liking it:

 

On 2022-10-03 at 9:28 AM, abrony-mouse said:

Just as the stars are beginning to twinkle, if you were looking down on Ponyland forest you would see two pink pegasi push a raincloud into a plume of smoke from a fire below them in a remote clearing. As if in response, a turquoise pegasus hovering near the cloud jumps on it at the signal from a piercing whistle, her hooves bouncing off rather than passing through with the result that a dark mist of rain is formed beneath which falls into the smoke.

If you were to peer down into the clearing, a group of adult ponies and foals could be seen huddling for protection and warmth at its edge, away from the fire. At the same time, two humans, two ponies and two unicorns would be observed to efficiently traverse the spaces between the tents, hopping nimbly – as if in a dressage performance – over guy ropes to the light of the latter’s horns, distributing sopping blankets whenever the angry orange of a stray cinder disturbed the peace of the gloaming dark. You would then see that, once this assortment has defeated the last of the unwelcome sparks, many more equines gather in the centre of the now spark-free clearing. After this, the herd converge, fumbling towards each other in the dark, whereon, reunited, the variously coloured equines give each other friendly nuzzles, hugs, and licks where patches of fur had been singed, and then you could marvel at the orderly behaviour of the equines as foals are bedded, wet blankets and canteens are returned to the edge of the clearing, and broom-wielding pegasi brush the sludge of a former fire away from a firepit.  

If, as an intrigued witness, you had stayed to see these activities to their completion, then you would then see a pale blue pegasus, dewy fur glittering in the moonlight, perch imperiously on a log, mouth open in exclamation, as if addressing the herd. You would go on to see this one point down at a pink, star-marked unicorn whose two-tone white/purple mane hangs over her head, which is bowed low before the latter. Just after that, emerging from the throng of ponies behind the mare, a white, leaf-marked unicorn and male human strides forward to join this supplicant pony, solemnly patting the former and hanging their heads too.

If you crept even further forward to discern the meaning of the strange ceremony, you would hear the following.

 

[flutterJackdash 218]

7 minutes ago, abrony-mouse said:

Just as the stars are beginning to twinkle, if you were looking down on Ponyland forest you would see two pink pegasi push a raincloud into a plume of smoke from a fire below them in a remote clearing. As if in response, a turquoise pegasus hovering near the cloud jumps on it at the signal from a piercing whistle, her hooves bouncing off rather than passing through with the result that a dark mist of rain is formed beneath which falls into the smoke.

If you were to peer down into the clearing, a group of adult ponies and foals could be seen huddling for protection and warmth at its edge, away from the fire. At the same time, two humans, two ponies and two unicorns would be observed to efficiently traverse the spaces between the tents, hopping nimbly – as if in a dressage performance – over guy ropes to the light of the latter’s horns, distributing sopping blankets whenever the angry orange of a stray cinder disturbed the peace of the gloaming dark. You would then see that, once this assortment has defeated the last of the unwelcome sparks, many more equines gather in the centre of the now spark-free clearing. After this, the herd converge, fumbling towards each other in the dark, whereon, reunited, the variously coloured equines give each other friendly nuzzles, hugs, and licks where patches of fur had been singed, and then you could marvel at the orderly behaviour of the equines as foals are bedded, wet blankets and canteens are returned to the edge of the clearing, and broom-wielding pegasi brush the sludge of a former fire away from a firepit.  

If, as an intrigued witness, you had stayed to see these activities to their completion, then you would then see a pale blue pegasus, dewy fur glittering in the moonlight, perch imperiously on a log, mouth open in exclamation, as if addressing the herd. You would go on to see this one point down at a pink, star-marked unicorn whose two-tone white/purple mane hangs over her head, which is bowed low before the latter. Just after that, emerging from the throng of ponies behind the mare, a white, leaf-marked unicorn and male human strides forward to join this supplicant pony, solemnly patting the former and hanging their heads too.

If you crept even further forward to discern the meaning of the strange ceremony, you would hear the following.

Correct me if I am mistaken, but are not the unicorns themselves ponies of a sort?

And, I'm sorry to say, but you continue to shift tense through the second paragraph, and at times within a single sentence. Also, that same sentence (last of the second paragraph) contains 7 commas. See about breaking it up or revising it to flow better. The revisions are reading better and better though, you're getting closer for sure.

8 minutes ago, abrony-mouse said:

arf  good point - I though it could get away with it at first, but rereading I think not. Added more ifs and "you would sees" (and then taken some away and tweaked ) and am happyish again. It may just need to be put in past tense, but I am still quite liking it:

It's reading well, but at times awkward. You really do need to choose one tense for this section and stick to it though.

[Octavian 5,421]

1 hour ago, flutterJackdash said:

Correct me if I am mistaken, but are not the unicorns themselves ponies of a sort?

And, I'm sorry to say, but you continue to shift tense through the second paragraph, and at times within a single sentence. Also, that same sentence (last of the second paragraph) contains 7 commas. See about breaking it up or revising it to flow better. The revisions are reading better and better though, you're getting closer for sure.

It's reading well, but at times awkward. You really do need to choose one tense for this section and stick to it though.

 

yes that should be earth pony - have corrected that.

In terms of the tense, have taken it back to the original 3rd person observer and have tried to put everything other than a couple of conditionals in simple present tense (hopefully consistently!)

Quote

Just as the stars are beginning to twinkle, if someone were to down on Ponyland forest they would see two pink pegasi push a raincloud into a plume of smoke from a fire below them in a remote clearing. As if in response, a turquoise pegasus hovering near the cloud jumps on it at the signal from a piercing whistle, her hooves bouncing off rather than passing through with the result that a dark mist of rain is formed beneath which falls into the smoke.

In the clearing, a group of adult ponies and foals huddle for protection and warmth at its edge, away from the fire. At the same time, two humans, two earth ponies and two unicorns efficiently traverse the spaces between the tents, hopping nimbly – as if in a dressage performance – over guy ropes to the light of the latter’s horns, distributing sopping blankets whenever the angry orange of a stray cinder disturbs the peace of the gloaming dark. Once the last of the unwelcome sparks is put out, the equines gather in the centre of the now spark-free clearing. After this, the herd converges, fumbling towards each other in the dark. Once the herd is reunited, the variously coloured equines give each other friendly nuzzles, hugs, and licks where patches of fur had been singed.

One might marvel at the orderly behaviour of the equines as foals are put to bed, wet blankets and canteens are returned to the edge of the clearing, and broom-wielding pegasi brush the sludge of a former fire away from a firepit.  

If an intrigued witness had stayed to see these activities to their completion, then they would see a pale blue pegasus, dewy fur glittering in the moonlight, perch imperiously on a log, mouth open in exclamation, as if addressing the herd. The pegasus points down at a pink, star-marked unicorn whose two-tone white/purple mane hangs over her head, which is bowed low before the latter. Just after that, emerging from the throng of ponies behind the mare, a white, leaf-marked unicorn and male human strides forward to join this supplicant pony, solemnly patting the former and hanging their heads too.

If the observer crept even further forward to discern the meaning of the strange ceremony, they would hear the following.

thanks again for the comments  will get there eventually!

[flutterJackdash 218]

6 minutes ago, abrony-mouse said:

Just as the stars are beginning to twinkle, if someone were to down on Ponyland forest they would see two pink pegasi push a raincloud into a plume of smoke from a fire below them in a remote clearing. As if in response, a turquoise pegasus hovering near the cloud jumps on it at the signal from a piercing whistle, her hooves bouncing off rather than passing through with the result that a dark mist of rain is formed beneath which falls into the smoke.

In the clearing, a group of adult ponies and foals huddle for protection and warmth at its edge, away from the fire. At the same time, two humans, two earth ponies and two unicorns efficiently traverse the spaces between the tents, hopping nimbly – as if in a dressage performance – over guy ropes to the light of the latter’s horns, distributing sopping blankets whenever the angry orange of a stray cinder disturbs the peace of the gloaming dark. Once the last of the unwelcome sparks is put out, the equines gather in the centre of the now spark-free clearing. After this, the herd converges, fumbling towards each other in the dark. Once the herd is reunited, the variously coloured equines give each other friendly nuzzles, hugs, and licks where patches of fur had been singed.

One might marvel at the orderly behaviour of the equines as foals are put to bed, wet blankets and canteens are returned to the edge of the clearing, and broom-wielding pegasi brush the sludge of a former fire away from a firepit.  

If an intrigued witness had stayed to see these activities to their completion, then they would see a pale blue pegasus, dewy fur glittering in the moonlight, perch imperiously on a log, mouth open in exclamation, as if addressing the herd. The pegasus points down at a pink, star-marked unicorn whose two-tone white/purple mane hangs over her head, which is bowed low before the latter. Just after that, emerging from the throng of ponies behind the mare, a white, leaf-marked unicorn and male human strides forward to join this supplicant pony, solemnly patting the former and hanging their heads too.

If the observer crept even further forward to discern the meaning of the strange ceremony, they would hear the following.

"if someone were to down on Ponyland" seems to be missing a word. And "beneath which falls into the smoke" is not making any sense to me, seems to have lost something in translation.

In the last sentence of the second-to-last paragraph, the verb "strides" is connected to two nouns, which are "leaf-marked unicorn" and "male human" so it should actually be stride. So, did they both then pet the leaf-marked unicorn? Only thing I can draw from them petting the former.

Oh, and you can actually that very last Full Stop, after "following" to a colon.

[Octavian 5,421]

thanks for these  have put all those in - both Danny and Gusty are patting Twilight there, so have clarified that

 

[flutterJackdash 218]

You're Welcome, I'm happy to help and I hope I'm not coming across too harsh.

[Peace Petal 11]

I love how this post is like 10% story and 90% feedback now.

As for that section, I'm not sure what to say. It seems like the tenses are pretty consistent now. But it's still strange that the narrative style switches for just one section.