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Two scenes from my Fanfiction Godzilla Battle Of Equestria What do you think


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Scene 1:


"Well well well". A new voice called out. Apple Bloom, Fluttershy, and Twilight turned to see Spoiled Rich, and her rich friends staring at them. If it isn't the little filly who corrupted my daughter, and turned her soft". Spoiled Rich sneered. Apple Bloom remained silent as Twilight, and Fluttershy glared.

"Look at her in the pig pen". Said one of the snobs.

"It suits her considering she is a pig"! Another stated as all three of them started to laugh while Apple Bloom began to tear up. The little filly had always been self concious about her weight. Fluttershy instantly pulled Apple Bloom into a hug why Twilight yelled at the mares.

"Hey don't talk about her like that"!

"Whatever, we were just stating the truth. That little brat needs to accept the fact that she's fat. F.A.T, Fat"! Spoiled Rich snarled before she left with her friends laughing.

"Are you okay Apple Bloom". Fluttershy asked. Apple Bloom nodded.

"They're right though. I am fat".

"Apple Bloom you're not fat"! Twilight stated.

"I'm not"? Apple Bloom asked.

"Of course not. You are very beautiful just the way you are". Fluttershy replied. Apple Bloom smiled.

"Thanks". She said. With that Fluttershy, and Twilight left. Apple Bloom then looked up to the sky and started singing.


Scene 2:


Apple Bloom was making her way towards Ponyville Schoolhouse, she had a smile on her face, and was feeling much better then she had the other day. Just then she saw Spoiled Rich again. Not wanting to deal with her again Apple Bloom tried to move past her quickly, but of course Spoiled Rich saw her, and spoke out loud to her friends.

"Look out everypony, here comes a fat pig"! She sneered. Tears filled Apple Bloom's eyes as Spoiled Rich, and her friends laughed, and laughed. Apple Bloom quickly got away from them, and ran behind a building where she cried. However she knew she couldn't stay behind that buliding forever, so she gatherd herself together, and headed to school. Once she arrived she saw Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo waiting for her. Apple Bloom's two friends quickly ran up to her with smiles on their faces.

"Hey Apple Bloom". Scootaloo greeted excitedly.

"Hey". Apple Bloom replied Meekily.

"Are you exicted about the trip today"? Sweetie Belle asked. Apple Bloom looked up and nodded, but Sweetie Belle noticed Apple Bloom's eyes. "Hey, Apple Bloom, have you been crying"? She asked.

"What"? Apple Bloom asked confused.

"You look like you had tears streaming down your face". Scootaloo replied.

"Yeah, are okay"? Sweetie Belle asked. Apple Bloom nodded.

"Yeah, course I'm fine, it's just".

"Just what"? Sweetie Belle asked urging Apple Bloom to continue.

"I ran into Diamond Tiara's mother on the way to school". Apple Bloom stated. Hearing that Scootaloo's face boiled.

"Did she call you fat again"? She snarled.

Apple Bloom nodded before breaking down again as Sweetie Belle hugged her while Scootaloo punched the wall.

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There are some grammar errors. Punctuation goes inside the quotes. Typically, dialogue has a comma at the end, like this:

Hey Apple Bloom," Scootaloo greeted excitedly.

Notice the comma just before the ". Unless the phrase ends with a ? or !, like this:

"Apple Bloom you're not fat!" Twilight stated.
 And there are a few other grammar corrections. 

As for style, it's good. I would add a few details about their surroundings. Instead of saying she hid behind a building, tell what building it was, and paint the scene for us. Something like

ducked into the nearest alley, which was beside the post office. She hid in the shadow and cried, her tears falling into the dirt.

Paint a picture for the reader. Characters aren't standing in a blank room. What's important for the scene? In this case, it seems that her emotions are important, so focus on that throughout the story. Get the reader to understand why she feels self conscious. That's the style I like for narrative fiction. You can experiment with other styles too.


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