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Wondering if You'd like to read this... (Scootaloo's Hunger)

VioletLinked

By VioletLinked, User

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VioletLinked

VioletLinked

(edited)

I'm not a writer (unless you count programming =P) but I've always wanted to release some of my dark ideas and wild fantasies into fan-fictions. I wrote this little part out, and I'm wondering if I should write the rest. No, this is not a clop-fic, but It is very graphic (Cupcakes-like). I hope you enjoy it, and please leave a response below!

 

 

Scootaloo's Hunger

 

-PART 1-

--------------------

Scootaloo quickly came to her senses, looking about into the dusty fog that covered Equestria. The twitch in her eye signaled the forth coming of a hellish day ahead. She could feel it inside of her, the temptation. She walked over to Sugar cube corner, knife in her mouth. sneaking through the back, though Gummy's Mini-door. Scootaloo throw herself into the dim-lit room, and walked quietly around the corners of the house. Scootaloo could smell her new feast upstairs, her mouth was drooling and bubbling...

 

Scootaloo waltzed up the stairs, ready to confront her victim. She dashed over to Pinkie's room, and opening the door silently. Her scenes were going insane, she couldn't hold back her hunger. She jumped onto Pinkie's bed, knife ready and threw it into her stomach, sliding her organs one by one. Before Pinkie could scream, Scootaloo covered her mouth telling her, "It will all be over soon."

-------------------

 

 

-PART 2-

----------------------

Hoping away from the bloody scene, she walked out through the door down the dark hallway and out Sugar cube corner, Dragging her half-devoured victim's corpse. This wasn't Scootaloo's first experience, it was actually her 13th. Scootaloo was good at keeping her secrets, as she was an angel on the outside, but infested with Satan himself on the inside.

 

Scootaloo walked towards Sweet Apple acres, throwing her tool back into her saddlebag. She arrived at the clubhouse, right under the glowing moon. She opened the secret hatch under the bushes on the left of the tree, and galloped down the stairs to re-visit her victims. "What a shame.." she told the corpses on the walls.

"If only you where here to see this Apple Bloom"

 

Scootaloo through her saddlebag onto the blood stained floor.

"It was a shame you couldn't have protected yourself from your own fate."

 

She then walked outside her chamber, leaving her teacher to rot.

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-PART 3-

 

------------------------

 

It was not a but a few months back she had wielded her first weapon. As part of a wilderness adventure with the rest of the Crusaders, she was introduced to the rule of 'Kill or be killed'. She was trained as well as the others in many ways of combat by her friends and mentors. However, in these expeditions with the Crusaders she always came up short of her goals to beat the others in practices, and she developed a sense of jealousy and paranoid-ism. She vowed to herself that she would strike revenge.

 

Her first victim was none other than Sweetie Belle, who at the time knew nothing of Scootaloo's feelings and temptations inside her. Her body was executed by Scootaloo's hoofs inside their tree-house at midnight. Scootaloo told herself it was her god-given duty to exterminate her friends.

 

She in-graved these sick ideas into her brain, and vowed to kill to survive. She told herself she couldn't live without murderous deeds. She warped herself into a living Devil.

 

-------------------------

Edited by VioletLinked
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Jokuc

Jokuc

I can tell you like gorefics. I think it's okay written, it could maybe need some more information before the event. But I dont see why you shouldn't continue!

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Gingerpotato

Gingerpotato

She got what she deserved after all she did to Dashie. I can't fully cast judgement on this yet since there has yet to be an explanation behind Scoot's sudden urges to kill but it has good grammar (only one mistake I can see) and has a fairly mysterious opening.

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VioletLinked

VioletLinked

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I can tell you like gorefics. I think it's okay written, it could maybe need some more information before the event. But I dont see why you shouldn't continue!

 

Yeah, It's true. I like the horror gene because it engrosses the reader until the end.

 

...since there has yet to be an explanation behind Scoot's sudden urges to kill...

 

That's what I'm holding down. In this I am (and will) trying to keep the readers attention, give some clues, and let the readers figure out the back story them-selves.

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WingMcCallister

WingMcCallister

There are some grammatical issues in there that could use some tweaking. I don't think it's a matter of should you write more. You kind of have to write more. Grit/gore without the back story is rarely enjoyable. I think you could elevate your story if you provided more of a base in terms of character development, especially the parts pertaining to Scootaloo's madness. What caused it? How deep does it go? I also recommend that writers try to plan how they intend to draw readers into their world. This is more difficult when it comes to fanfics because you have the added issue of trying to have your vision shine brighter than the world that already exists without completely unraveling that basis. These are all things I think you should consider while going forward. :)

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VioletLinked

VioletLinked

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There are some grammatical issues in there that could use some tweaking. I don't think it's a matter of should you write more. You kind of have to write more. Grit/gore without the back story is rarely enjoyable. I think you could elevate your story if you provided more of a base in terms of character development, especially the parts pertaining to Scootaloo's madness. What caused it? How deep does it go? I also recommend that writers try to plan how they intend to draw readers into their world. This is more difficult when it comes to fanfics because you have the added issue of trying to have your vision shine brighter than the world that already exists without completely unraveling that basis. These are all things I think you should consider while going forward. :)

 

I have the writing style kinda like a movie.

I throw out the main story, then slowly work it back overtime to explain things.

If I write a part 2/part 3 it will clear a lot of questions up.

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WingMcCallister

WingMcCallister

I have the writing style kinda like a movie.

I throw out the main story, then slowly work it back overtime to explain things.

If I write a part 2/part 3 it will clear a lot of questions up.

 

If you want to keep people in the dark on explanations, then I definitely suggest expanding upon the deranged nature of her twisted character.

 

For example, 'She could feel it inside of her, the temptation' could easily be embellished to give more insight into Scootaloo's feelings. Hooks are important. :P I'm not saying you have to give it all upfront. When people submit things like that to me, my response usually involves the words lab manual. However, I do think embellishing the emotional depth at the start will help with the hook.

  • Brohoof 1
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VioletLinked

VioletLinked

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If you want to keep people in the dark on explanations, then I definitely suggest expanding upon the deranged nature of her twisted character.

 

For example, 'She could feel it inside of her, the temptation' could easily be embellished to give more insight into Scootaloo's feelings. Hooks are important. :P I'm not saying you have to give it all upfront. When people submit things like that to me, my response usually involves the words lab manual. However, I do think embellishing the emotional depth at the start will help with the hook.

 

Thanks for the advice!

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