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Bye celestia.


rainbow dash22

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(edited)

Chapter one

Red eyes

 

Spike rushed into Twilights room.

"Twilight! I have a letter from the princess!" Spike said.

"Ok. Pretty sure its nothing important." said Twilight as she read the letter. Twilight gasped.

" Spiiikke!!" twilight cried

" What? I'm right here... What's wrong?" Spike asked. Twilight ran up to her room. Spike ran up after her, but Twilight slammed the door infront of him.

" Are you ok?" Spike asked.

" Leave me alone." Twilight responded. She cried the rest of the day and maybe all night. The next day Twilights eyes were red.

 

 

Chapter two

The train ride

 

When twilight was packing up her friends knocked on the door.

" Twi? Are you alright?" Apple Jack asked.

" Yeah. I am." Twilight cried. Her friends came in quietly. Twilight just finished packing.

" Do you us want to come?" Fluttershy asked. " But if not.... It'll be fine with me..."

" well I prefer not." Twilight said then sniffed. "But I think most ponies will get there letters later."

" How come?" Rainbow asked

 

An hour later they went to the train station and they waited about twenty minutes until the train came.

On the train Twilight continued crying.

" Twilight dear? Are you ok?" Rarity asked. " May I come in?"

" I'm fine and yes you can." Twilight replied still crying. Rarity opened the door. Rarity looked at Twilight. Then she used her magic to fix Twilights hair.

" Can you tell me what's wrong?" Rarity asked.

" At canterlot." Twilight said. The rest of the ponies came in.

" Tell us!" Rainbow said.

" At canterlot" Twilight said.

" Please." Fluttershy said.

" At canterlot!" said Twilight.

" Pleeeeaaassseee!!" said Pinkie Pie.

"At canterlot!!" Twilight said.

" Come on dear." said Rarity.

" At canterlot!!!!" Twilight said.

" sugar cube, you gotta tell us" Apple Jack said

"AT CANTERLOT!!!" Twilight said.

 

 

Edit: I'm not writing anymore because I think people are thinking that I'm a terrible person and I'm not doing anymore.... Sooo... Carry on...

Edited by rainbow dash22
  • Brohoof 1
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Uhm thoose are some short chapters :)

But so far nice and intresting, some grammar is incorrect and some names need to be capitalized and stuff like that.

  • Brohoof 1
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I'm sorry that I made some mistakes and it's short....:( But I'm glad you guys like it :) I thought it was gonna be stupid. But I'm glad you like it!

 

Sorry for the wait. I'll make more soon. I'm making small chapters because I'm really busy all the time.

 

I agree with the above post, but the actual story line is very good.

I guess you have written a few stories before?

 

no. I haven't.... It doesent seem that people like it though...soooooooooooo.... Errrrrrrrrr I'm bored
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(edited)

I applaud the storyline, it's pretty good so far, but if you're writing a story, it should be a bit more descriptive, add some more dialogue and vivid details. By doing that, the chapters wouldn't be so short. Instead of saying something like, "Tell us," Rainbow Dash said, you could say something like, "Tell us!," Rainbow demanded. You don't always have to refer to them as Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie. You could call them Rainbow, Dash, or Pinkie. If you add some descriptive words that give it some "oomph", it could make the story much more awesome!

 

Also, (although people already pointed this out) you might want to go back and fix a few grammar and capitalization errors. The word "Canterlot" is a word I see that isn't capitalized very much.

 

One more thing. The title of your story says "Bye celstia." (It bothers me a bit)

 

I hope you didn't take this criticism offensively, I just wanted to point out some stuff. :blush:

Edited by ShinyRibbonsAndSparkles
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(edited)

How did I not realize this before. We started are fanfics, with almost the same story line on the exact same date, within a few hours of each other. Coincidence, who knows. But on to what I will say. There are the slight capitalization mistakes and grammar mistakes that can be fixed. There are also the fact that the chapters are insanely short. I'm not trying to be rude but the chapters could be way longer if you added in a little bit of detail. I think that is it.

Edited by Luna Sparkle
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(edited)

I'm sorry... Maybe I won't do anymore sense I'm terrible at this... Sooo people reading this just don't read it anymore.... It's just terrible I'm not going to write anymore from this point on :( *cries*

Edited by rainbow dash22
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I'm sorry... Maybe I won't do anymore sense I'm terrible at this... Sooo people reading this just don't read it anymore.... It's just terrible I'm not going to write anymore from this point on :( *cries*

 

It's not terrible, it just needs more detail. Practice makes perfect and if you don't continue to write you wont get any better. So i'm going to tell you that you need to keep going and not give up.

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It's not terrible, it just needs more detail. Practice makes perfect and if you don't continue to write you wont get any better. So i'm going to tell you that you need to keep going and not give up.

 

I don't think I'll get any better. It's just.. I'm just a little upset right now. I'll probably make more... But not anytime soon... :unsure:
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(edited)

I don't think I'll get any better. It's just.. I'm just a little upset right now. I'll probably make more... But not anytime soon... :unsure:

 

I'm telling you practice makes better. Trust me, my first fanfic I posted here was terrible, and when I put it on fimficiction it got 10 thumbs down within a day.

Edited by Luna Sparkle
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Edit: I'm not writing anymore because I think people are thinking that I'm a terrible person and I'm not doing anymore.... Sooo... Carry on...

 

...*sigh* You don't seem to be taking the constructive criticism in a positive fashion. That's something you need to deal with if you're going to be posting creative works of any kind. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you're being a bit overdramatic by "crying" when someone points out an error. People only do this sort of thing to help you, not make you feel bad. So please, if you work on your writing skills and ask others to proofread your work, you can make a decent fanfic.
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Hey, if you need a proofreader, PM me. I'd be glad to help you. Starting FF is hard, I understand. With practice you could really clean up your writing style and I can help you with descriptions, etc. :)

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