fan fiction My first attempt at writing

[Kyreth 193]

So this is the first time I've ever written, well, anything to be honest. I've done two pages so far but I'm definitely going to do a whole lot more, I've got tonnes of ideas.

Any feedback will be much appreciated!

 

Oh and could someone please show me how to put something in the spoiler window thing? As it stands I'll just post it normally but for future reference it would be great, thanks.

 

The title is currently what it is saved as in my computer which is 'This needs a name'

 

 

 

 

Another storm. I’m walking home from my lonely office job. Late, again. The black clouds had been gathering all day and chose now to unleash their fury onto my head. A light flashes overhead, followed by a deafening crash of thunder. This is the worst it’s been all month. I pick up my pace as another bolt of lightning arcs down into the ground, this time disturbingly close to me. Panic setting in, I glance skyward. That does not look good. The clouds almost seem to be rippling in the sky. I cover my eyes as another flash of lightning streaks past my vision. Strange, that almost seemed... no I’m just seeing things. Just to be sure, I stop walking and look back into the clouds, nervously shielding my face from the rain with my arm. Another flash lights up the sky. That was definitely not normal. That bolt of lightning, like the last, looked to have been comprised of many different colours. Almost like… a rainbow. Hmmph, look at me, seeing rainbows in lightning storms! I’ve been watching too much My Little Pony, I conclude before trudging off towards home. My ears are assaulted by another crash of thunder and I clench my eyes shut for a second. When I open them again my vision is swimming, the world shimmers and dances in front of me. What the hell? I’m disorientated, I stumble, grabbing hold of a nearby bench to stabilise myself. Another burst of light followed by a deafening crash. My legs become weak and I shudder, trying desperately to hold myself upright. My vision is blurring further and I fall to the ground. Before everything fades to blackness I see one last flash of multi-coloured light, then, nothing.

***

Uuh, what happened? I am still on the ground, I haven’t yet mustered up the energy to wrench my eyes open. The storm, that’s the last thing I saw. Did the lightning hit me? I need to get to a hospital! Still, the rain had stopped and I felt strangely comfortable, lying curled up on the concrete. Concrete? This felt like no concrete I had ever touched. It was soft and warm against my body. More like… grass. Yes, that’s it. Did I black out and walk into a field? Summoning every ounce of energy in my body, I slowly lift one eyelid. Where on earth am I? Instead of the drab, grey city I had expected, rolling green hills lay before me. Copses of trees littered the land and the beautiful morning sun reflected off the web of babbling streams that criss-crossed the landscape. Snapping my other eye open, I watch as a flock of brightly coloured birds pass by overheard, warbling their melody for all to hear. I… uh… this… It’s too much. My eyes sag shut again and I simply lie there, savouring the warmth of the sunlight and the sweet scent of the grass and flowers.

 

How long has it been? Minutes? Hours? Regardless, I feel a little stronger now. I open my eyes normally. The sun is almost at its zenith, I must have fallen asleep. Rolling onto my back, I stretch my arms and legs out on the grass, preparing to stand up. I push myself into a sitting position easily enough, but when I stand up on my feet I immediately over-balance and pitch forward back onto the ground. The grass in my face forces my eyes closed again. Grr. I look up and open them, what the?! My… my hands! They’re… hooves! Rolling over and sitting up sharply, I raise one of my han- no, hooves, in front of my face, peering at it intently. A light green hoof peeking out from a sheathe of chocolate brown fur. I slowly move my gaze down to the rest of my body. Four legs! This is unbelievable! In my excitement, my tail flicks and lands in front of me. My… tail? My tail! A long, light green tail sprouts from my hindquarters and has wrapped round in front of me on the ground. I’m a pony! I’ve dreamt about this, ever since I became a brony. I’ve talked to people about what it might be like and even imagined what I might look like. It finally happened!

 

I spring to my feet with happiness, promptly collapsing into a heap again as I try to stand on what are now my hindlegs. Calm down, think. Four legs. I lift myself back up, carefully this time, and manage to balance precariously on my hooves. Now standing, albeit wobbling a bit, I take another look at my surroundings. Everything seems so… bold. Everything is brightly coloured and significant. Is this… could this be… Equestria? No, this all has to be a dream. Yeah, that’s it. I slipped over in the storm and cracked my head, now I’m out cold on the floor dreaming. I mean, what other explanation could there be? I manage to balance well enough that I can spare one foreleg to pinch myself. I reach over to my flank, shortly before realising I have no fingers. Drat. I raise the same foreleg to my face, then reach out and gently bite myself. Not expecting anything, the sudden pain surprises me and I nearly fall back to the ground. Ok, I’m not dreaming. Then how the hell am I here? How the hell am I a pony?

There is a pool of water a short walk away from me. Upon noticing it I realise just how thirsty I am. Walking, this will be fun. One hoof in front the rest, baby steps. I move one fore leg forward, easy enough. Now a hind leg, steady, there! This isn’t so bad! After a few shaky steps I try moving both a fore and hind leg at once. I end up stumbling forward much faster than I intended to, my legs unable to keep up with my body. For the second time today I find myself face down in the grass. Ok, that might have been biting off more than I can chew. Standing up again, I see that I’ve reached the pool. My reflection is looking back at me. Wow. I knew what I was but seeing it staring at me like that, just… wow. Those big round eyes that I found so adorable on the ponies in the show were now gazing out from my own face. I start to grin giddily at myself, my eyes trace up and down my reflection before settling on- wait, is that? I have a horn! I’m a unicorn! My hooves shoot up to my forehead. Sure enough, there it is. Can I use magic? I look back at the horn in my reflection. I don’t even know how. I just look into the water, concentrating on it, willing it to do something. My eyes narrow and I hold my breath. Come on, move, float, do something! Then, a tiny ripple. Aha! My eyes snap open for a second before I resume concentrating. More ripples, spreading outward from various random points on the surface. Look at that! I’m a wizard!

 

The smile abruptly melts from my face as I notice the cause of the ripples. Rain. I sigh and lie down by the pool. As the rain intensifies, my lips break the surface of the water and I take several large gulps. I rest my chin on my crossed fore legs. Rain. Why always rain. I didn’t know where I was in the sunlight, I’ll never find anything in this downpour. I look up at the dark grey cloud above me, beginning to wonder if I’ll starve out here. The lone cloud is drifting lazily past overhead. Wait, the cloud! They don’t move by themselves in Equestria! There must be a weather pegasus up there! “Hey! Down here! I’m lost, can you help!” I yell up at the cloud. No response. “Anyone up there?” Still nothing. The rain must be drowning me out. “Come on!” I shout, disheartened. The cloud is still moving, at least I can follow it. Beats sitting here staring at my reflection. As it moves off, I take one last look at myself in the pool, run a hoof affectionately over my horn, then get up to follow.

[I used to be a stranger 7,988]

Pro: You are knowledgeable enough to know that the last step after primary Editing, is giving it a Title.

 

Con: "Boy becomes a real pony" is not particularly original.

[Kyreth 193]

Pro: You are knowledgeable enough to know that the last step after primary Editing, is giving it a Title.

 

Con: "Boy becomes a real pony" is not particularly original.

 

Yeah that's kinda what I was thinking but I didn't want to go too far out on a limb for my first story.

[I used to be a stranger 7,988]

Dare to be different.

[Blueshift 26]

First person present tense stream-of-consciousness is an astonishingly difficult thing to pull off, even for experienced writers. That said I don't think it's particularly bad, just not particularly original. I totally think that each writer should write something that he/she really feels strongly about, but a story also needs a purpose and a unique hook, and I feel like I've read this sort of story about a thousand times before.