Working on a Fanfiction

[Ellothar27 3]

I'm currently working on a Fanfic...If you could please take a look at it and tell me what you think of it I would really appreciate it c: It still doesn't have a title sadly. So far I have chapter one finished. I know it needs a little more editing but I want to see if people would be interested in reading a story like this. Please let me know if you enjoyed reading it so far c: Here it be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I look outside my window. All I can see is the dreariness of the neighborhood that has been here for quite some time now. If I were to guess, it has been like this for at least 7 years now. There are not many people living here now. Not like before. There used to be many people who lived here and it was much more happier. But ever since the rumors about a serial killer living in the neighborhood, everyone has moved away. Everyone, except for me. Sadly I could not afford to move out for the job I have does not pay enough to save up. Hell I barely have enough to pay for this house and to support myself.

 

I have been alone in this neighborhood for so long now. Sometimes I believe that I'm going insane from the isolation. Other times I believe that one night I will simply fall asleep and when I wake up, I will be somewhere different. Somewhere more happier and enjoyable. But of course that never happened. That only happens in stories. This was reality. The cold, harsh truth…

 

It was Saturday; I was off work until Monday morning which gave me time to relax within my household and think. Like my Future, my past, sometimes my present. Things I should have done and things I should do. But when I do think of things to do and improve on, something always gets in the way. If it was work or an injury of some sort, something always stopped me. It was almost if I was destined to stay here for the rest of my life until I die. I tried not to think about it too much. It would just lead my mind into fictional ideas, I already had too many of those ideas when I was younger.

Why should I think about them again? It only made things worse for me back then. So there's no point to think about them now.

 

I got out of bed that morning and sighed. It was raining. I honestly loved the rain, but it's been raining for a while now. I didn't mind it though. I walked down the stairs and went into the kitchen to make myself some coffee and some toast. I placed a few slices of bread into the toaster and turned on the coffee maker. I then sat down in the living room on the couch, waiting for my breakfast to be done. As I waited, I turned on the television. It was a rerun of Chopped. But it was covered in static for some reason…

 

I was too lazy to check what was wrong with it at the time, so I just watched it for a moment. But suddenly the static was gone and it was no longer on the Food channel. Instead, it was showing a concert…But instead of people, there were…ponies? No. My mind must be playing tricks on me. On my television was showing a DJ pony hosting a concert with an audience of ponies. I quickly grabbed the remote and tried to change the channel but it wasn't working. Even when I tried to turn off the television, it did not work. I got tired of these games and stood up and tried to do it manually, but I paused in front of the T.V. Something about it seemed so real…I tried to place my hand on the screen, but my hand went through! I quickly pulled back from fear and stood back a bit. I was scared but so interested at the same time…I walked up to it once more and placed my hand inside it. I thought for a moment, and then I decided to go inside. I ducked a bit and began to crawl inside. To my amazement, everything around me sounded so real. I was backstage of a concert and instead of people were ponies…I stood upward and looked around.

 

“This has to be a dream…” I thought to myself.

 

As soon as I said that, the television behind me went from the portal back to my home to a normal television. But I did not notice for it was behind me. I walked forward and looked around. I could hear the Disk Jockey making music with their turntables. It sounded like they were closing up the show. I looked behind the curtain and saw the DJ. She was a white pony with different shades of Blue in her hair. She was wearing purple sun glasses and was jamming to the music. As she closed the show, she turned around and walked towards the back of the stage. As she walked, she turned a bit and looked straight at me! She looked surprised. I quickly sprinted out of sight and back where I came from. But when I got there the portal was gone! I began to panic with fear and turned around. She was walking towards me!

 

“D-Don’t hurt me!” I yelled out to her. I was cringing so badly now. I was as scared as I could be.

 

“Dude…You’re a human!” She yelled out at me.

 

I looked at her in confusion, she knew what I was?

 

“You must be Ellothar! Octavia told me about you!”

 

“Whoa whoa whoa…Octavia…? What's going on?!” I yelled out panicking.

 

"Princess Celestia asked me and Octavia to take you in as our guest for a bit…She said you were having a hard time in your world. So she asked if you could stay we us, and we both agreed! She told us all about you…” Vinyl said with a little grin.

 

“N-No one has called me Ellothar in years…S-So I'm stuck here…?” I asked with fear in my voice.

 

“For the entire year new buddy!” She said with excitement.

 

So much was going on. I had just went through a portal and now I was going to be living with a few ponies in a pony world? This was just too much! These things were racing through my head...I fainted…

 

When I woke up, I was in a different place. As soon as I open my eyes I quickly closed them again. The lights were so bright! I tried to open my eyes slowly and soon my eyes got use to the brightness. Maybe because I blacked out for so long that my eyes haven't gotten use to the lighting…

 

I then sat up. I noticed that I was now in a room that looked somewhat like a bedroom. The lamp beside me was turned on and the door to the room was slightly opened. Someone must have found me and taken me to their home.

 

“That was a crazy dream…”

 

“Oh! I hear you are awake now. I'll be there in a moment.” A soft female voice said from outside the room.

 

“Thank you...Um, can you tell me where I am exactly?” I asked.

 

She then walked into the room, leaving me to stare at her in shock. She was a pony! Her hair was a light black with a shine. Her skin was gray and her eyes were a beautiful shade of purple.

 

“U-Um…Am I just seeing things, or are you…?”

 

“Am I a pony? Oh yes. I am indeed. You must be Ellothar. Princess Celestia has told us about you. She told us you have been living in a lonely place for so long so she asked us if you could stay with us. So Vinyl and I both agreed to take you in for a while.” She said.

 

My mind was still trying to process all of this. First I was just in my living room waiting for my breakfast to be cooked in the toaster, then I was transported backstage of a DJ with a crowd of ponies, and now I was in a pony's room who said she and her friend will be taking me in for a while? What in the world was going on here…?

 

“I-I'm sorry…I'm still trying to process all of this. So let me get this straight. I’m going to be staying here with you and your friend here for how long…?”

 

“You will be staying here for one year. I do hope you enjoy your stay…I think you met my roommate already. Shes the one who is the DJ.”

 

“Oh goodness…. I guess I did meet her already. I'm so sorry…Do you have anything to drink? I need to clear my mind…”

 

“Ah of course, I shall get you something. Please wait here.” The female pony said as she walked out of the room.

 

“Goodness gracious this must be a dream…But it feels so real…” I said to myself.

 

I sat on the edge of the bed. This was indeed real…I wasn't fooling myself. This was just so…I never would have guessed this could happen. I mean…This just seems so un-real.

 

“Yo Ellothar, I got you that glass of water you wanted.” The DJ pony said as she walked into the room. The glass of water was floating in front of her with a blue aura glowing around it. The aura was glowing around her horn as well. She floated the glass towards me and I grasped it with both of my hands.

 

“Thank you…what was your name again?” I asked her.

 

“My name is Vinyl Scratch new roommate! To tell you the truth, I was kind of excited for you coming to stay with us for a bit. Finally someone new to hang out with you know."

 

"Aye...Yes." I said before taking a sip of water. "This is truly....amazing..."

[NavelColt 22,876]

It's looking fairly decent so far ^^ Just need to come up with a title and I'd say keep on going. The characters sound believable and the detail is good. For a few tips though:

 

I mean…This just seems so un-real.

You don't need to capitalize words after an ellipse (three periods used for silence), if it's the same thought and not a new sentence.

 

And, this just stuck out at me, personally. Why is future capitalized?

Like my Future, my past, sometimes my present.

8/10 thus far I'd say :3 Keep going! It'll be interesting to see where this goes and how the characters will interact on a daily basis.

[Ellothar27 3]

It's looking fairly decent so far ^^ Just need to come up with a title and I'd say keep on going. The characters sound believable and the detail is good. For a few tips though:

 

 

You don't need to capitalize words after an ellipse (three periods used for silence), if it's the same thought and not a new sentence.

 

And, this just stuck out at me, personally. Why is future capitalized?

 

 

8/10 thus far I'd say :3 Keep going! It'll be interesting to see where this goes and how the characters will interact on a daily basis.

 

 

 

Oh thank you so much! :'D This truly means a lot to me. Aye the capitalization must of been typos, thank you for pointing that out.

 

 

I shall indeed continue this story! I shall work on it today

[Kalypso 69]

I like the beginning but after that i stopped from what i did read it was good but i don't really like stories were Celestia invites humans to Equestria it just dosn't fit with my head canon

Edited October 15, 2012 by Kalypso

[Sugar Surprise 6]

You probably could have thought for a better reason for Celestia to let you live in their world, because other people have these kind of lives, too...it's just a little bit unfair. But it's good. .w.