An Alien Walks Amongst Us - Constructive Criticism is Appreciated

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

So, I've been writing this for a while now.  Fixing it, making it more filled with interesting things; I'm hoping to get some good stuff out there to read.  Any feedback is appreciated on what I have right now.

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/70801/1/an-alien-walks-amongst-us/prologue--you-just-have-to-believe

 

 

 

Description -

 

Lyra, a simple pony with simple dreams.  Dreams involving aliens, that is.  Her fascination with them even got her a job dealing with them, though no one takes it seriously.  Lyra hopes to one day be able to meet one, she just needs to believe.

 

In comes a human, whom mysteriously gets transported to Equestria.  It's up to Lyra to show the alien the ways of her people!  The power of friendship, magic and hugs await her on this strange adventure.

 

Location of where the image can be found - http://www.deviantart.com/morelikethis/279309067#/d4mak97

 

Edited December 25, 2012 by Hazardus_Havard

[Sky Warden 2,243]

Hello again. Some humble feedbacks from me, if you excuse me?
You really like human-pony fic 'eh? Haha. No prob. Another 'you' perspective. Interesting.
Try to be as brief as possible and trust the reader with their, uhm, intelligence. This part for example :

”Hey Anon, still watching the money grubbing bastards over there?”

You sigh when you heard that damn man’s voice.  Gleekman... That stupid man kept getting arrested at nearly every place he was placed in, he kept his words sharp and rude, and to top it off he was prone to violence.  The type of big violence that was not so much fun to deal with afterwards.

Just be seeing the dialogue above, the reader can determine that Gleekman is a rude person, so you don't have to tell the reader that he's rude and harsh spoken. See how the art of show not tell can be so brief and strong. The reader knows that violence isn't so much fun to deal with, so telling it isn't necessary. You've already showed the reader that Gleekman is rude and harsh spoken, so you don't have to tell them about that. Trust them with their, uhm, Intelligence.

Another is that you use many passive sentences. That's not as strong as active voices, so it will be a good idea not to use passive voices. Active voices are briefer and much stronger.

Well, look at the characters counter, 1079. I guess I will stop here, for now. Just let me know if you need some more.

Edited December 27, 2012 by Sky Warden

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

 

That is definitely something to think over whenever I try to bring another person into the mix next time.  Though, this was supposed to be a memory scene right now where the character is remembering things.  Like, he's sort of taking himself through his memories in an attempt to remember what happened.  But once again, what you pointed out is definitely something to remember for later on.

[Sky Warden 2,243]

That is definitely something to think over whenever I try to bring another person into the mix next time.  Though, this was supposed to be a memory scene right now where the character is remembering things.  Like, he's sort of taking himself through his memories in an attempt to remember what happened.  But once again, what you pointed out is definitely something to remember for later on.

Well, Aye. It's a memory scene, but it will be nice to use interior dialogues on it so the reader won't feel like you're dictacting them. You know, to show the thought of the character. The narrative is the same, at any scene, it will be nice to use the same way.

Like, "Mind your own bussiness" He (Or you) thought as he walked away from her.

The narative is written in an ordinary way while the thought is spoken with an interior dialogue.

Oh, I also remember a good memory scene from a novel. The character was speaking with a woman, but his mind was wandering somewhere else. The writer showed that the characters mind was wandering by showing the scene inside the characters mind. When the woman done with a sentence, the writer brought the reader to another scene that had a connection with what the woman said. Like this, the woman said something about a man that she just met in the morning. The character knew the man and writer brought the reader to the scene where the charather interacted with the man earlier. No need to tell the characters mind, we just need to bring the reader to it by showing them.

Edited December 27, 2012 by Sky Warden