[fanfic] The Rise of Tranquility

[ToridAkbolto 170]

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/78552/the-rise-of-tranquility

 

Please check out my new fanfic. I could really use more feedback on it.  To save you the trouble of loading the link, here is the summary: "A mysterious Alicorn named Tranquility has arrived in Equestria, claiming to be a being of perfect harmony. Aided by an army of her Solemn Guard, Tranquility’s ultimate goal is to bring about the ultimate peace and serenity by wiping out every sentient being in Equestria. Heavily inspired by Reboot."

[TailsIsNotAlone 3,694]

All right jwu, here are my thoughts on this story so far. ^^

 

I was worried when I saw an alicorn OC in the description, but unlike many stories of that sort, this one seems original and headed in an interesting direction. ^^ Right off the bat, I liked the plot and enjoyed where it was headed. The way Discord was used was quite fitting as well.

 

The main problem lies in how the story is paced. Your writing style is fluid and efficient--too efficient. Fluttershy sees the sigil, we find out about this mysterious group, and find out they're not what they seem to be, and Celestia declares war on them--all in just the first chapter. That's quite a lot for the reader to take in, and it's all so rushed that it doesn't allow any tension to build in the story.

 

The battle in chapter 2 is similar--brilliantly conceived, but executed so quickly that very little suspense is present. The pace never slows down and very little is explained. What you have here is good, but this kind of story deserves a much deeper and more gradual buildup to the Guard's true intentions, the battle, and Twilight's capture. It's almost like reading the Cliff's Notes version of a story that would be much more interesting in full.

 

There is much potential in The Rise of Tranquility, and I think that potential could be realized with some revision. The events of the first chapter could have been more effectively spread out over two or three chapters, allowing the reader time to settle in and become emotionally invested.

 

Let me know what you decide to do and if you'd like any additional tips. This is definitely a project worth following. ^^

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/78552/the-rise-of-tranquility

Edited January 26, 2013 by TailsIsNotAlone

[ToridAkbolto 170]

All right jwu, here are my thoughts on this story so far. ^^

 

I was worried when I saw an alicorn OC in the description, but unlike many stories of that sort, this one seems original and headed in an interesting direction. ^^ Right off the bat, I liked the plot and enjoyed where it was headed. The way Discord was used was quite fitting as well.

 

The main problem lies in how the story is paced. Your writing style is fluid and efficient--too efficient. Fluttershy sees the sigil, we find out about this mysterious group, and find out they're not what they seem to be, and Celestia declares war on them--all in just the first chapter. That's quite a lot for the reader to take in, and it's all so rushed that it doesn't allow any tension to build in the story.

 

The battle in chapter 2 is similar--brilliantly conceived, but executed so quickly that very little suspense is present. The pace never slows down and very little is explained. What you have here is good, but this kind of story deserves a much deeper and more gradual buildup to the Guard's true intentions, the battle, and Twilight's capture. It's almost like reading the Cliff's Notes version of a story that would be much more interesting in full.

 

There is much potential in The Rise of Tranquility, and I think that potential could be realized with some revision. The events of the first chapter could have been more effectively spread out over two or three chapters, allowing the reader time to settle in and become emotionally invested.

 

Let me know what you decide to do and if you'd like any additional tips. This is definitely a project worth following. ^^

Alright, I will take your advice into consideration and extend the remainder of this fanfic. I have the whole plot planned out in around 6 chapters, but now it could reach about 10. I probably won't rewrite the first two chapters, though, as reposting them in smaller sections could confuse the few people following my story and cause them to leave.