Scootadash Sort of Fanfic Review? For English?

[RussellB 19]

Scootaloo admired Rainbow Dash since the day they met, but can Scootaloo achieve her dream of being a flyer and a younger sister of Rainbow Dash?

 

I was assign to write a trilogy for English, at the same time... I wanted to write a Scootadash fanfic... what better than to do them together?

 

*The story is written on EARTH

*The ponies are humanized

*The characters have different names, but is introduced

*Flying has been replaced with Racing

Give your sincere opinions on the CHARACTERS if you felt that the character was in character.
My goal is to have my character in character while in a different character. As you read, did you feel I was explaining the character right etc. Did you get it right away in your head as I started introducing them, or did you had to read further to get it, or did you even get it.

I've tried uploading it on FIM Fiction but it needs to be at least 1000 words :| .I plan to poninize everything as I finish.

Such as a black pinkie pie and a french snob.

 

 

 

 

 

- Number 1 Fan -
 

      “One more lap to
go,” said Ashe in mock exhaustion as she sped through the dusty race tracks
towards the finish line. “You can do this, I am, after all, the most awesomest
racer in all of Longtham” she laughed quietly to herself as she reached her maximum
speed. She squinted and stared at the finish line, stepping harder on
accelerator, thinking it would go faster if she applied more pressure on it.
Sweat rolled down her forehead to her chin. The adrenaline pumped in her body.
She licked her lips and smirked. She was enjoying this.

   In a flash, she was
ahead of other racers and was already pass the finish line, she won first place
and was ready to perform her victory pose.

   She stepped out of
her cyan colored car as her friends rushed towards her cheering with glee. One
particular one ran up and gave her a deathly hug, stopping her heartbeat for a
second.

   “HMPPF” Ashe blurt
out as her eye balls widened and seem to pop out a little, “Ca... Can’t” She
took a deep struggling breathe, “BREATHE”.

    “Let her go
Pamela” said Tania. She could just make her voice with the ringing in her ears
from the deathly hug.

   The spunky, tomboy racer
was finally given a chance to settle down as she scanned the group of friends
smiling at her.

   Starting from left
was Pamela, grinning to her limits of her dark rosy cheeks, “That silly
hyperactive party girl” She thought to herself. Pamela always had a smile as
her default facial position, but today it was huge, even in Pamela standards. She
was the only black in the group.

   Next to her was
Tania, smiling at Ashe, Ashe was surprised she wasn’t reading a book of some
sort, she always had her head buried in a book or studying, but today, she
seemed to have come empty handed. No one, not even her parents could separate
her from studying and books, not even the prime minister himself, she probably
has a thing for books Ashe thought to herself.

  A little to the right was Jessie. “Hey, Robyn
Ashe.” Said Jessie in her thick southern accent pulling a sly smile and repositioned
her cowgirl hat. That’s just like her thought Ashe, the only girl that could
match her athletic skills. Jessie was her friendly rival since they were just
little girls, they would race in every way to be the best, but Ashe won most of
the time.

   Sitting next to her
on a jeweled crusted straw chair was Claude Francois Frederic Louis Phillipe.
Ashe took the lazy cut and called her Louis, though she would correct Ashe
every time. “Please Robin, I wished to be referred to as Madame Francois, and
those uncouth nails of yours, they’re harming my gorgeous eyes” she would say
in her native damsel in distress British posh accent.

   Standing next to
her timidly with her was Seraphina her cute droopy eyes and warm smile
unmistakably shouted the words: Kind, Loving, Careful, Motherly at everyone who
met her the first time. Ashe knew Seraphina first out of the lot; they grew up
together, since they were babies. She was a little too shy and was afraid to be
assertive at times. Ashe was the complete opposite of Seraphina, she was spunky
and stubborn, and would always blurt words and completely regrets them later.
Though being so spontaneous, she was loyal to her friends. Ashe stood by
Seraphina’s side as they grew up, Seraphina being an easy target for bullying.
The tomboy girl would get herself into fights often when other kids insulted
Seraphina. No one insults her friends when she is around.

   Next to her was…

   “Sunny?” Ashe said,
she cocked her eyebrows up.

   Sunny was her
number 1 fan and she was friends with Ashe’s friend’s younger sisters. Sunny
was like Ashe’s sister, they had the same personalities. A much younger Ashe,
hovering around 10 years old, while Ashe sited on 19, although she would act as
a 13 at times, she was playful and often played pranks on her friends, which
contradicted per personality.

    Sunny took a step
forward and took a deep breathe.

   
“Ohmygosh,youweresoamazingoutthere,thewayyoupulledthosetricks,youovertookfourracersatonce”
Sunny said as quickly as could.

    “Uhh, Thanks?” Ashe cut her short.

    Sunny squeal in a
tomboy-ish manner.

   “Why are you here
Sunny? Don’t you have school to attend to?” Ashe asked

    “And miss out on
my biggest hero’s performance? Sure I can” Sunny said sarcastically. “Oh me and
the other two planned a victory party for you over at the club, let’s go!”

     “You planned a
party WITHOUT me?!” Pamela the party girl cut in.

    “Wait, how did you
know I was gonna’ win?” Ashe asked cutting in.

    “You always do.”
Sunny replied in an unsurprised tone as she cocks her eyebrow up.

    Ashe smirked
proudly she lay back on her cyan colored race car. “See you there.” Sunny said
as she took off in another direction.

    “Gee, I wonder how
it’s like being surrounded with fans, Robyn Ashe” wondered Tania still looking
into the direction Sunny ran to.

    “It’s something
you have to get used to when you’re as awesome as me” boasted Ashe.

[NavelColt 22,883]

Seeing as this is a fanfic that you're looking for feedback on before you/as you submit it for an English class report, I'm moving this to Creative Resources :3