[WIP] Teaching Scootaloo to Fly

[~Scootaloo 438]

The most updated version can now be found on FIM Fiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/90533/teaching-scootaloo-to-fly

 

Information: this is going to be my fairly short fan fiction about Rainbow Dash teaching Scootaloo to fly. Also please post feedback!

Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo were standing on one of the lower clouds in the sky. Scootaloo looked over the edge nervously and then looked up to Rainbow Dash for guidance. She wasn´t sure to give this a try, but since she was that close to Rainbow Dash, she build up more confidence within herself. Of course she had courage! But to admit weaknesses in front of her hero mare wasn´t that easy for her.

 

“Go on. Just jump and then use your wings and try to fly” Rainbow Dash told Scootaloo. She knew that the little mare had some difficulties to overcome her fear. Scootaloo always wanted to make a good impression on her, but it was just ok. “What if I fall to the ground though?” Scootaloo asked, fearing the height. Just by looking down made her feel dizzy and the feeling of butterflies in her belly made her crazy. With a small jump he hide behind Rainbow Dash who had to chuckle a bit. “Do you really think your big sis would let that happen to you?” she replied. "Never of course! We are a team, and we can do anything together! Just remember how you beat the fear about the headless horse! Just concentrate a bit, take a bit breath and do what you dreamed about!" Rainbow Dash said, giving the filly a bit advice about her emotions.

 

“I guess you’re right Dash” she answered a bit shaky on her hooves. But since she made a promise, she would do anything to keep it in front of her hero. She trusted Rainbow Dash. Scootaloo moved towards the edge and jumped off. She tried to user wings to go steady and fly, but instead ended up flailing. The wind pressure was just too much, and her little untrained wings couldn´t bear her weight. Rainbow Dash darted down and caught her before she even came close to hitting the ground.

 

“What’d I tell you?” Rainbow Dash asked with flare. She had confidence that Scootaloo could do it, but perhaps the missing training was something she didn´t think about until now. Rainbow sighed and carried her to the ground. “I knew that you wouldn't let me get hurt Rainbow, but I still can’t fly like you” the little filly answered with a saddened voice. Even if it looked easy, she couldn´t do it just like that. Her flapping technique was just good for her scooter to gain speed, but it didn´t help at all for her own weight to lift into the air. “We’ll change that and that’s a promise!” Rainbow Dash answered with confidence in her voice. She would teach everything she knew about flight.

 

[Note: the text above contains edits from Iron Wing (link)]

 

Later that day Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash met at Sweet Apple Acres near the Cutie Mark Crusaders club house. “Alight Scoot the first thing that you’ll need to be as awesome as your big sis is learn to trust” Rainbow Dash explained.  Rainbow Dash picked up Scootaloo and propped her up on top of a fairly high up cloud. She proceeded to untie a blue cloth she had tied around her right hoof and wrapped it around Scootaloo’s eyes effectively blind her. “Um… Rainbow what are you doing?” Scootaloo asked in a somewhat confused tone. Rainbow Dash paused for a second and then in a lighter tone then usual “Making progress” in attempt to mimic something Twilight might say. Scootaloo giggled at this and this helped her release some tension.

 

“Alright Scootaloo I want you to stand up and face forward” Rainbow Dash said as her voice got quitter as she went down to a slightly lower cloud. “Why are you below me?” Scootaloo yelled thinking that Rainbow Dash was far away. “Jump” Rainbow Dash yelled “I’ll catch you”. “What is the point of this again Dash?” Scootaloo replied. “You have to be brave and trust your-” before Rainbow Dash could finish her sentence Scootaloo jumped down and into Rainbow Dash’s arms. “Well that went over easier than I thought it would” Rainbow Dash said exhaling from the small surprise. Rainbow Dash wasn’t really expecting Scootaloo to jump so soon she had figured that she would stall a bit more.

 

“Now what Rainbow Dash?” Scootaloo asked excitedly. She briefly flew in the air before plopping back down on the cloud. “Wow you just flew! It’s wasn’t very much but I guess it’s something” Rainbow Dash said. “I did?!” Scootaloo squealed excitedly. Rainbow Dash cringed a little from her high pitched voice however she quickly smiled, because she didn’t want to ruin her moment. “Yep you sure did” Rainbow Dash said. “So what are we going to do next?” Scootaloo asked again. “Sleep! Even a pony of my caliber needs to rest” Rainbow Dash said as she curled into a ball. Scootaloo was a little disappointed that she was going to have to wait, but after a few minutes of waiting she spotted Pinkie Pie below.

 

“Hi Pinkie Pie!” Scootaloo yelled to her from above. Pinkie Pie jumped into one of Apple trees “Why are you in a tree Pinkie?” she queried the apparently frightened Pinkie Pie. “OH! It’s just you Scootaloo” Pinkie Pie said as she hopped out of the tree and regained her normal bubbly composure. “Why are you laying on a cloud? Let me help you get down” Pinkie Pie said as she pulled out an inflatable boat. “Just jump and you’ll be fine” she continued. Rainbow Dash began to wake up after her short nap and saw Scootaloo about to jump down. “What are you doing?” Rainbow Dash asked demandingly. “I was going down to see a Pinkie Pie” Scootaloo answered as she pointed her hoof at Pinkie Pie. “HELLO!” Pinkie Pie yelled from below. “If you would’ve jumped you could’ve bounced off and really hurt yourself you know” Rainbow Dash explained. Rainbow Dash understood that Pinkie Pie meant no harm and Scootaloo was just getting bored a feeling that she could easily relate to. “Ugh… just ask me If you want to get off the cloud next time. Until you can fly well you really shouldn’t be trying these stunts” Rainbow Dash elaborated. “You sound like Twilight” Scootaloo said thinking about how Twilight is always giving advice. Rainbow Dash nearly fell over and began to say “well Twilight is cool too…”

Edited March 17, 2013 by ~Scootaloo

[HunterTSN 1,444]

Have you uploaded this to FiMFiction? It's a lot more organized and has a much better layout for fanfictions.

 

A couple errors, but Iron Wing either did a good job with the editing or you didn't leave him much to do. Not sure where you're going with this but you should make each part longer or combine them together into one. 

 

Keep me updated.

[~Scootaloo 438]

Have you uploaded this to FiMFiction? It's a lot more organized and has a much better layout for fanfictions.

 

A couple errors, but Iron Wing either did a good job with the editing or you didn't leave him her much to do. Not sure where you're going with this but you should make each part longer or combine them together into one. 

 

Keep me updated.

The first part (Part 1) Iron Wing helped me out and added a bit more beef to it to help me out. I didn't want to take credit for that entirely hence the reason I linked to the post. The second part was written by me (not much that I wrote though so so far). I am probably going to combine parts one and two into a single part and release that. I'm going to have to rewrite the first part and I'll be sure to give credit to her for the initial edits that helped out. 

 

As for uploading to FiM Ficiton I've never heard of ti and I don't know if I can release in parts or if my work is good enough yet...

[HunterTSN 1,444]

As for uploading to FiM Ficiton I've never heard of ti and I don't know if I can release in parts or if my work is good enough yet...

Heck your work is a lot better than some of what I've seen there. As long as you've got someone editing your posts you'll be fine.

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/ - in case you're interested. I would recommend getting an account anyway. Reading is the best way to hone you're writing skills. Just don't read the REALLY crappy fics.

Edited March 14, 2013 by TheSteampunkNinja (TSN)

[~Scootaloo 438]

Well I don't want to burden Iron Wing with editing my stuff all the time. However she did tell me that I can send her my work and she'd read over it .

[HunterTSN 1,444]

I'll be happy to look over it as well, currently I'm already busy with editing full-time for other people and writing my own book, but I will be happy to proof-read anything you show me.

[~Scootaloo 438]

Updated to the latest version of part one

Change Log

Found within the writing

-Merged part one and part two into one.
-Worked on some stiff dialog.

Story wise

-Trying to figure out the direction of the story

Also if anyone would like to help me please reply here.

Edited March 14, 2013 by ~Scootaloo

[Zygen 6,065]

 

With a small jump she hide behind Rainbow Dash

I just noticed this small thing in your part of your writing you posted here I figured i'd point out(Unless I'm totally missing something myself)

 

Looks pretty good so far i'd say, I'm no expert though I've yet to even write any fanfics myself. I also agree that you should try and get it put on FIMficiton if you can. Its easier to read there personally I think.

 

Also if I'm not mistakened I think that whenever speaking starts you are suppose to separate into another paragraph, and when you do another speaker another paragraph, not sure if you intentionally didn't do that, just reminding you in case.

 

Good luck! Looking good from what I can tell so far! Keep it up .

[~Scootaloo 438]

@@Zygen, Actually I did get it submitted (link to the story here) and someone on the site kindly helped me edit it so quite a few of the grammar problems got cleaned up. He also took the time to place comments in the original doc. so I know about what he did. Anyway the story on FIM Fan Fiction is the most up-to-date version.

[Zygen 6,065]

@@Zygen, Actually I did get it submitted (link to the story here) and someone on the site kindly helped me edit it so quite a few of the grammar problems got cleaned up. He also took the time to place comments in the original doc. so I know about what he did. Anyway the story on FIM Fan Fiction is the most up-to-date version.

Oh ok, i didn't see the link in the OP so I just figured the part posted was the most recent.

 

I'll look at it in that case when I get a chance to read it all, and see how it looks so far .

 

Good luck again!

[WingMcCallister 367]

There are still some minor punctuation and word issues floating around. For example, there is one part where you have user written and mean 'use her'. 

 

Story wise, I think it might be worth investigating the hook a bit more. It's not uncommon for me to tell writers to own a piece or to add a spin or element that makes it unique. The way it sits now, you are relying a lot on the built up relationship between Dash and Scoot. While I understand that, and to many fans it'll just work, I'd like to make the case for a bit more in the introduction. An added insight into what brought Scootaloo and Dash to the cloud -- and their emotional states a long that ride -- would really help open up your universe. Bits of this are certainly already there, but I think the piece would be roughly 20% cooler if the opener was a bit more engaging at drawing readers into your vision of the characters. On the plus side, I think there are numerous fans that would love to see this pan out.

 

*Two cents thrown*