Need help on Fanfiction

[Sir.Flutter Hooves 2,953]

Hello and bro hoof to all!

 

I have recently written a fan fiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/92907/revenge-of-a-fallen-student

 

Buy my problem is not alot of people have liked it. I believe that because I always update it so late around 1 o'clock or 2. Can someone tell me the best time to update a story, and if anybody has read it, please tell me what you think.

 

Thanks and bro hoof /)

[SilverHeart 741]

If you have not done so yet I would recommend taking a look at this thread and asking for help here. The two who lead the thread are pretty good writers. They're also friendly and willing to help.

 

http://mlpforums.com/topic/43854-a-friendly-proof-reader-reviews-writing-tips-sharing-can-be-found-here/page-13#entry1302656

[Blue Moon 6,336]

It is pretty good, but it needs a bit of work. The pacing needs to be fixed and the dialogues are a bit awkward. Other than that and a few grammatical errors, it's good.

[Sir.Flutter Hooves 2,953]

It is pretty good, but it needs a bit of work. The pacing needs to be fixed and the dialogues are a bit awkward. Other than that and a few grammatical errors, it's good.

Thanks! I read yours, and it is also good. I just forgot to like it, but it will be going into my favorites. I will make the pacing better, and the dialogue will be less awkward in the future.

 

Thanks /)

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

First off.  You have a prologue... that takes three parts to write.  Just, why?  The purpose of a prologue is to introduce things to the reader that they should know beforehand, or just as a way to introduce the story.  Why cut that up into such small parts when one is sufficient?  They're also all very small reads.  They should've been put together into one part.

 

Some of your grammar can use correcting.  Now, I can't say I'm the greatest since I'm still learning how to properly write myself, but here's what I saw just at the beginning.

 

Your writing in red, mine in purple.

 

"Welcome young Sunset Shimmer. Welcome to Canterlot, the Princess will be here in one moment." said a black stallion wearing the traditional guard clothing.

 

• First, you have a backwards quotation mark at the beginning (it appears in the FimFic site). 
• Second, your welcoming her twice, which is redundant.  Shorten it up so it reads better. 
• Third, you need to comma when you go to a persons name.  Example: Good morning, Jordan. 
• Fourth, when you go away from a talking part, you either need to comma it off if it's continuing the scene or period it if the parts over. 
• Fifth, don't over-describe your work.  You might run into the problem of writing things that people don't care about, possibly even turning into the dreaded purple prosing of your work. 
• Sixth, do things that make sense.  He's a professor, so I hope there's a reason for him to be wearing guard clothing.  Also, guards don't wear clothes, they wear armor.  Or armour, depending on where you live. 
• Lastly, you identify him as Principle Oak later on.  Why didn't you just use his name here?  Here's a revision.

 

"Welcome to Canterlot, young Sunset Shimmer," Professor Oak says, tossing his cloak to the side with flourish. "The princess will be here in one moment.

 

Me adding in his cloak tossing is just for fun, but it does two things here.  One, it tells us what he's wearing so we have some visualization of the character.  Two, it moves the scene with some interest added in how he acts.

 

Other things with the first part.  You don't need to italicize your talk with the Princess and Sunset Shimmer, so remove that.  I only italicize when someone's thinking to themselves or if it's needed such as the title of a book or if someones putting emphasize on a word.

 

Another thing, give your story telling pieces some real meaning and don't expect the reader to just believe much of what they read.  A yin yang symbol as her cutie mark?  You do know that the meaning behind that is balance, correct?  As it's the moon and the sun, my first thoughts when I see the princess talking to her is 'Oh, she's probably going to be the princess of Twilight.

 

Twilight: The period of the evening during which this takes place, between daylight and darkness.

 

Or something similar like a princess of balance.  Like the in-between of Celestia and Discord.

 

You also need to remember to keep your readers attention.  Show, don't tell.  That's quite possibly the absolute most important part in writing.  Remember that while writing, and I can guarantee more people will enjoy your work.  It's just more difficult to write that way.

 

 

As for the other two parts of your prologue.  You have a second voice in her, telling her to do bad things.  That immediately turns some readers off, since it's a cheap cop-out on having a character turn bad.  Have something else turn her, with more reason than that.  It'll turn out better.

 

Third part.  The part that looks bad is you having your antagonist immediately turning evil suddenly, beating the crap out of Celestia (are you serious?) and then only losing in the end due to greed.  You moved this too fast.  Pace is an important key to writing, and without it, stories tend to look like a clumped up mess of ideas.

 

If you want to write a good story, you should go back to your prologue and then combine it into one.  Give her a proper reason to be evil.  A day turnaround from good to evil doesn't look right at all. 

Edited April 1, 2013 by Hazardus_Havard

[Sir.Flutter Hooves 2,953]

First off.  You have a prologue... that takes three parts to write.  Just, why?  The purpose of a prologue is to introduce things to the reader that they should know beforehand, or just as a way to introduce the story.  Why cut that up into such small parts when one is sufficient?  They're also all very small reads.  They should've been put together into one part.

 

Some of your grammar can use correcting.  Now, I can't say I'm the greatest since I'm still learning how to properly write myself, but here's what I saw just at the beginning.

 

Your writing in red, mine in purple.

 

"Welcome young Sunset Shimmer. Welcome to Canterlot, the Princess will be here in one moment." said a black stallion wearing the traditional guard clothing.

 

• First, you have a backwards quotation mark at the beginning (it appears in the FimFic site). 
• Second, your welcoming her twice, which is redundant.  Shorten it up so it reads better. 
• Third, you need to comma when you go to a persons name.  Example: Good morning, Jordan. 
• Fourth, when you go away from a talking part, you either need to comma it off if it's continuing the scene or period it if the parts over. 
• Fifth, don't over-describe your work.  You might run into the problem of writing things that people don't care about, possibly even turning into the dreaded purple prosing of your work. 
• Sixth, do things that make sense.  He's a professor, so I hope there's a reason for him to be wearing guard clothing.  Also, guards don't wear clothes, they wear armor.  Or armour, depending on where you live. 
• Lastly, you identify him as Principle Oak later on.  Why didn't you just use his name here?  Here's a revision.

 

"Welcome to Canterlot, young Sunset Shimmer," Professor Oak says, tossing his cloak to the side with flourish. "The princess will be here in one moment.

 

Me adding in his cloak tossing is just for fun, but it does two things here.  One, it tells us what he's wearing so we have some visualization of the character.  Two, it moves the scene with some interest added in how he acts.

 

Other things with the first part.  You don't need to italicize your talk with the Princess and Sunset Shimmer, so remove that.  I only italicize when someone's thinking to themselves or if it's needed such as the title of a book or if someones putting emphasize on a word.

 

Another thing, give your story telling pieces some real meaning and don't expect the reader to just believe much of what they read.  A yin yang symbol as her cutie mark?  You do know that the meaning behind that is balance, correct?  As it's the moon and the sun, my first thoughts when I see the princess talking to her is 'Oh, she's probably going to be the princess of Twilight.

 

Twilight: The period of the evening during which this takes place, between daylight and darkness.

 

Or something similar like a princess of balance.  Like the in-between of Celestia and Discord.

 

You also need to remember to keep your readers attention.  Show, don't tell.  That's quite possibly the absolute most important part in writing.  Remember that while writing, and I can guarantee more people will enjoy your work.  It's just more difficult to write that way.

 

 

As for the other two parts of your prologue.  You have a second voice in her, telling her to do bad things.  That immediately turns some readers off, since it's a cheap cop-out on having a character turn bad.  Have something else turn her, with more reason than that.  It'll turn out better.

 

Third part.  The part that looks bad is you having your antagonist immediately turning evil suddenly, beating the crap out of Celestia (are you serious?) and then only losing in the end due to greed.  You moved this too fast.  Pace is an important key to writing, and without it, stories tend to look like a clumped up mess of ideas.

 

If you want to write a good story, you should go back to your prologue and then combine it into one.  Give her a proper reason to be evil.  A day turnaround from good to evil doesn't look right at all. 

 Ok, I just combined all the prologues into one long one. Thanks for the advice. Have you not read the chapter about her back story? It has some reason why she turned evil. Thanks for the advice.

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

To be honest, I only read the prologue.  Why?  First impressions are very important and if people are truly disliking your work, that is where the problem mostly lies.

 

I think the biggest problem is the whole 'she's a good pony, but then one day does a 180 immediately turning evil out of the blue' thing.  I don't know how the chapter of her back story is, but as a reader this is what we're seeing from the get-go.  And it just looks really bad.  You should lengthen your prologue, have some scenes of her going through life with a positive look on it.  Pace it well.  During her life, give her reasons to turn evil.  Maybe she has a family that doesn't get much in life.  Like they're poor, and she never gets anything she wants?

 

She can have this view of 'Why is it that my family, myself included, get left out of things unlike other families?' because she's so poor.  Even in the princess's tutelage, she can still have that view, wanting more but only given the bare minimum (the princess wants to teach her well, not wanting to overpower her student, but Shimmer doesn't see it like that).  In her mind, Shimmer will want to do right but will be needlessly greedy if given the chance.  And when given that chance, she decides to take it.

 

See?  Now that feels better to read.  Also, when confronting Celestia, she pretty much beat her down.  Really?  A newly turned pony princess manages to beat her teacher who knows more spells than her without any effort?  If anything, make it like Shimmer planned this all along since it was the best moment to get an enormous amount of spells at the time.  She got Celestia in a spell (if you make it a runic type, like only activated when Celestia is on it and then Shimmer activates it when she wants, that would look nice) that saps at her magic reserves, while also making her powerless to anything.  And then you can continue with the whole Shimmer losing thing.

 

Just some ideas to help improve your story.

Another post -

 

Maybe you can make it unique here?  Shimmer may want all the spells, but you can have her magic base secretly being runic magic?  Just another idea.  It might be difficult to do though for your story.

[Sir.Flutter Hooves 2,953]

To be honest, I only read the prologue.  Why?  First impressions are very important and if people are truly disliking your work, that is where the problem mostly lies.

 

I think the biggest problem is the whole 'she's a good pony, but then one day does a 180 immediately turning evil out of the blue' thing.  I don't know how the chapter of her back story is, but as a reader this is what we're seeing from the get-go.  And it just looks really bad.  You should lengthen your prologue, have some scenes of her going through life with a positive look on it.  Pace it well.  During her life, give her reasons to turn evil.  Maybe she has a family that doesn't get much in life.  Like they're poor, and she never gets anything she wants?

 

She can have this view of 'Why is it that my family, myself included, get left out of things unlike other families?' because she's so poor.  Even in the princess's tutelage, she can still have that view, wanting more but only given the bare minimum (the princess wants to teach her well, not wanting to overpower her student, but Shimmer doesn't see it like that).  In her mind, Shimmer will want to do right but will be needlessly greedy if given the chance.  And when given that chance, she decides to take it.

 

See?  Now that feels better to read.  Also, when confronting Celestia, she pretty much beat her down.  Really?  A newly turned pony princess manages to beat her teacher who knows more spells than her without any effort?  If anything, make it like Shimmer planned this all along since it was the best moment to get an enormous amount of spells at the time.  She got Celestia in a spell (if you make it a runic type, like only activated when Celestia is on it and then Shimmer activates it when she wants, that would look nice) that saps at her magic reserves, while also making her powerless to anything.  And then you can continue with the whole Shimmer losing thing.

 

Just some ideas to help improve your story.

 

Another post -

 

Maybe you can make it unique here?  Shimmer may want all the spells, but you can have her magic base secretly being runic magic?  Just another idea.  It might be difficult to do though for your story.

 You know what? The idea of her suddenly turning evil may be a little to farfetched. I will contribute some of her backstory into the prologue. 

 

Thanks/)

[Lewis the Brony 110]

Also, the main protagonist is an alicorn, correct? It does seem correct by the cover art. But, let me tell you something.

 

A lot of people will dislike your story if it features an OC alicorn. Now, I'm not trying to say that you can't be limited in making your OC but when you put it in a fanfic, or put it in a plot (no, I'm not talking about...that you perv). Then, expect a dislike storm, all just because it features an OC alicorn.

 

I like to keep it short, simple, and sweet; In fanfic canon, alicorns are only Twilight Sparkle, Princesses Celestia and Luna, and Princess Cadance unless modified by show canon.

 

Also, don't use Pony Creator for your cover art, that also leads a massive amount of dislikes. Its just advice.

[Sir.Flutter Hooves 2,953]

Also, the main protagonist is an alicorn, correct? It does seem correct by the cover art. But, let me tell you something.

 

A lot of people will dislike your story if it features an OC alicorn. Now, I'm not trying to say that you can't be limited in making your OC but when you put it in a fanfic, or put it in a plot (no, I'm not talking about...that you perv). Then, expect a dislike storm, all just because it features an OC alicorn.

 

I like to keep it short, simple, and sweet; In fanfic canon, alicorns are only Twilight Sparkle, Princesses Celestia and Luna, and Princess Cadance unless modified by show canon.

 

Also, don't use Pony Creator for your cover art, that also leads a massive amount of dislikes. Its just advice.

 Well, she is not an alicorn in the chapter I have recently written. I am basing this character off an upcoming Sunset Shimmer toy. Here's a pic:

 

Thanks for the advice. /)

[Lewis the Brony 110]

 

 Well, she is not an alicorn in the chapter I have recently written. I am basing this character off an upcoming Sunset Shimmer toy. Here's a pic:

 

 

Thanks for the advice. /)

 

Oh...Sorry for the alicorn advice, upon my first look, I thought it was an OC alicorn.

 

Anyway, your welcome. I like it when I take my time to give advice to those who post fics on fimfiction.net since I've been on that website since May, 2012.

[Sir.Flutter Hooves 2,953]

 

Oh...Sorry for the alicorn advice, upon my first look, I thought it was an OC alicorn.   Anyway, your welcome. I like it when I take my time to give advice to those who post fics on fimfiction.net since I've been on that website since May, 2012.

 

 

I've gotten that OC thing alot. I'll look you up on Fimfiction, and read some of your stories. Really appreciate your advice again.

 

Thanks /)