Before the Magic of Friendship

[BronyPony 575]

Before I continued writing this fanfiction, I wanted to see what everyone thought of what I had written so far.

 

 

The sun begins to shine over the mountains as the life of day becomes anew. The brightness of a star shines joyfully over the castle in the distance, a white sparkling sight with the glass of cleansing that breaths of wind through the valley floor, where the village lies. The moon has begun to fade and blend within the golden spread as the sun invades the sky with beauty and glamour. With the day springing up into existence, the villager ponies open their doors and let the air of awakening through their homes to spread as they welcome the sun’s rays to warm up their hearts to the happiness that they would daily share to the others of the village. They begin their day with their usual chores of sweeping the dirt of the past outside and let it drift in the wind to bring new life, where the flowers then seemingly bloom with new colors of Spring. Spring had just arrived in Ponyville, arriving from the harsh winters that drew negativity within, but their hearts were so warm with friendship that the winter seemed to be a patch of darkness within the corner of the room that would disappear as the light overtook its harsh, cold fingers. One would not take the time to notice, however, the Canterlot castle that lay in the mountains for its glow blended in with the sun for it had unimaginable glimmer that lit the village. With such blinding light, one would not notice the diligent purple pony, the faithful student Twilight working with such dedication on Princess Celestia’s new task. Out of all tasks that the ruler of Equestria had given her faithful student, this one would be simple, but the comprehension of it would be difficult due to the secret of the past that Princess Celestia had intended to tell to this new princess.

    “My faithful student, I see you are still at work on the task I assigned you. Though it may be of importance, you must rest for rest is important for inspiration to complete such a task. Even a princess must rest for if one did not rest one would not complete any task at all.” Princess Twilight, using her magic to write with her quill to continue writing the scroll which contained her works on the task, turned her head, and with a smile put down the quill on her small, wooden desk. She begins to walk towards Princess Celestia with both excite and discipline. With a breath, she says with such curiosity, “I will do any task for you, for I shall remain faithful to you always, until the end of me, but may I ask what this task is supposed to mean? Trying to investigate the history before the beginning of Equestria is almost impossible for the records for such don’t exist, as I know of.” Princess Celestia, closing her eyes as she walks over to the bookshelf that stands tall among all the furniture, however seemingly invisible to those who do not see it’s true secrets, begins to search through the shelf with millions books, ranging from spells to the records of the giant kingdom that has existed for hundreds of years. “I wanted you to carry out this task to see if you could find something that may be missing from the history books of the beginning of Equestria. I feel you will have the capability to find a missing link to link together the past and the present for even the history books are incomplete,” she says as she walks slowly to the right of the bookcase. Puzzled, Twilight walks over to Princess Celestia trying to search for something that she does not know of, yet has a feeling of what it might be. After a few minutes, Princess Celestia finally opens her eyes and, using her magic, pulls out a large, green book that had seemed to blend within the other books because of its age and plainness. Curious about the book and its mysterious contents, Twilight tries to open the book with her magic, but surprisingly fails. Princess Celestia laughs softly as she walks over to the table containing the scroll of the task that Twilight was working on. “My student, you must complete your task before opening this book for without finishing your task, you will not be able to understand what it all means,” says Princess Celestia as she puts the book on the table. She then walks out of the room to go about her business.

    The sun begins to set over the horizon as day comes to an end. Twilight still works on her task as she looks outside the round castle window, seeing the villagers getting ready for the dark of night. Frustrated, she puts down her quill and walks around the room, trying to look for some clues to what the answer could be for finding this missing link in the history of Equestria. As she is walking around the room, she sees a piece of paper on the stone floor with a phrase written with ink.

In order to find an answer to a question, it sometimes is necessary to find the source of the question.

Finding the tip unclear, she puts it aside and begins to look in the books of the history of Equestria. After several hours, she is finally on the last history book. As she begins looking through the book, as she turns the page a note falls out, similar to the one she found on the ground in the room containing the same handwriting. She begins to read it, which brings her a blast of inspiration.

The beginning of a book is the most important part, for it sets the scene.

She throws the book to the side with the other pile of differently colored history books and searches for the first one. Finding it, she desperately searches the book for answers. Then, after getting back to the very first page of the book, she has an epiphany that excites her for she has finally completed her task. She begins writing furiously on the scroll one simple question.

What had happened before the Magic of Friendship, the start of Equestria?

As the last drop of black ink seeped into the scroll, a golden glow of light began to emit from the green book as if an unknown door to another world had opened. A soft blow of wind began to be released from the magical book, having some sort of life to it. Twilight, surprised at the event, turns to the book and steps backward with nervousness. As the wind began to flow through the room, a small, peaceful whisper is heard by Twilight, unclear to what it was saying. The book opens with pages flipping quickly to what seemed to be the first page of what seemed to be a massive tale of a land long ago. The letters, written with such keen detail, seemed to pop out like the words were hypnotizing the reader, Twilight, to read the book. Twilight could not resist to begin reading the mysterious book. She began reading, realizing that she could not be released from the irresistible spell that had been placed upon her young mind. The words seemed to become a reality, but somehow a fantasy at the same time. From there, she now knew her long journey had begun.

 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Xa6vuPtz8t71RtM27mednopKZqwqpum5145Y0-esDbc/edit?usp=sharing

 

So what does everyone think so far? Do I suck? 

Is anybody going to read and just give feedback? Please?  I worked hard on this story so far and want feedback to see if it is worth writing this.

Edited May 8, 2013 by BronyPony

[Ihei 711]

I think this is amazing!! You should really write more, ponies would really enjoy it. Everything is perfect; your grammar, your dialogue, your descriptive paragraphs. I can't do anything like this. Pleaseeee continue.

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

Your writing is very clean and has some of the best grammar I've seen on this site so far.  But, there are problems dealing with the overall structure of your story and how you're writing.

 

First off, it's really clumped up.  It seems you attempted to make proper paragraphs, but you didn't know where to space it out.  You should always put paragraphs together depending on a few things.  The first is subject, such as keeping it together on what is being written out, then if it goes on to something else or just needs a space depending on movement, then a new paragraph.  The second is talking areas. 

 

You should always place speaking parts by themselves, and separate them from other people talking.  If they perform an action then speak, or vice versa, then you can clump those two together so long as you do it properly.  And another really good thing to do is to put a space after each paragraph.  It helps reading things in the long run for your readers.

 

I am going to help in your second paragraph right now.  I'd do the first, but the second actually has speaking parts so I can show you how to write those properly.  Your writing will be in purple, mine in red.

 

    “My faithful student, I see you are still at work on the task I assigned you. Though it may be of importance, you must rest for rest is important for inspiration to complete such a task. Even a princess must rest for if one did not rest one would not complete any task at all.” Princess Twilight, using her magic to write with her quill to continue writing the scroll which contained her works on the task, turned her head, and with a smile put down the quill on her small, wooden desk. She begins to walk towards Princess Celestia with both excite and discipline. With a breath, she says with such curiosity, “I will do any task for you, for I shall remain faithful to you always, until the end of me, but may I ask what this task is supposed to mean? Trying to investigate the history before the beginning of Equestria is almost impossible for the records for such don’t exist, as I know of.” Princess Celestia, closing her eyes as she walks over to the bookshelf that stands tall among all the furniture, however seemingly invisible to those who do not see it’s true secrets, begins to search through the shelf with millions books, ranging from spells to the records of the giant kingdom that has existed for hundreds of years. “I wanted you to carry out this task to see if you could find something that may be missing from the history books of the beginning of Equestria. I feel you will have the capability to find a missing link to link together the past and the present for even the history books are incomplete,” she says as she walks slowly to the right of the bookcase. Puzzled, Twilight walks over to Princess Celestia trying to search for something that she does not know of, yet has a feeling of what it might be. After a few minutes, Princess Celestia finally opens her eyes and, using her magic, pulls out a large, green book that had seemed to blend within the other books because of its age and plainness. Curious about the book and its mysterious contents, Twilight tries to open the book with her magic, but surprisingly fails. Princess Celestia laughs softly as she walks over to the table containing the scroll of the task that Twilight was working on. “My student, you must complete your task before opening this book for without finishing your task, you will not be able to understand what it all means,” says Princess Celestia as she puts the book on the table. She then walks out of the room to go about her business.

 

 

This is extremely hard to read.  You need to space this out so people can let their eyes move through this better.  Here's your work spaced out properly.

 

 

    “My faithful student, I see you are still at work on the task I assigned you. Though it may be of importance, you must rest for rest is important for inspiration to complete such a task. Even a princess must rest for if one did not rest one would not complete any task at all.”

 

    Princess Twilight, using her magic to write with her quill to continue writing the scroll which contained her works on the task, turned her head, and with a smile put down the quill on her small, wooden desk. She begins to walk towards Princess Celestia with both excite and discipline.

 

    With a breath, she says with such curiosity, “I will do any task for you, for I shall remain faithful to you always, until the end of me, but may I ask what this task is supposed to mean? Trying to investigate the history before the beginning of Equestria is almost impossible for the records for such don’t exist, as I know of.”

 

    Princess Celestia, closing her eyes as she walks over to the bookshelf that stands tall among all the furniture, however seemingly invisible to those who do not see it’s true secrets, begins to search through the shelf with millions books, ranging from spells to the records of the giant kingdom that has existed for hundreds of years.

 

    “I wanted you to carry out this task to see if you could find something that may be missing from the history books of the beginning of Equestria. I feel you will have the capability to find a missing link to link together the past and the present for even the history books are incomplete,” she says as she walks slowly to the right of the bookcase.

 

    Puzzled, Twilight walks over to Princess Celestia trying to search for something that she does not know of, yet has a feeling of what it might be. After a few minutes, Princess Celestia finally opens her eyes and, using her magic, pulls out a large, green book that had seemed to blend within the other books because of its age and plainness.

 

    Curious about the book and its mysterious contents, Twilight tries to open the book with her magic, but surprisingly fails. Princess Celestia laughs softly as she walks over to the table containing the scroll of the task that Twilight was working on.

 

    “My student, you must complete your task before opening this book for without finishing your task, you will not be able to understand what it all means,” says Princess Celestia as she puts the book on the table. She then walks out of the room to go about her business.

 

 

See how much better this is?  I can actually read it now and tell who is speaking.  Of course, you still need to indent all the paragraphs afterwards like I've done up above, so don't forget that.

 

Another advantage of spacing helps show errors in your work.  The first one is shown in the very first paragraph where Celestia talks -

 

 

“My faithful student, I see you are still at work on the task I assigned you. Though it may be of importance, you must rest for rest is important for inspiration to complete such a task. Even a princess must rest for if one did not rest one would not complete any task at all.”

 

 

If you don't see it, you use the word 'rest' four times here.  I've done this before, and it hurts the overall writing by reusing a word over and over.  Use synonyms or even reword this in a new way so that goes away, even making it flow better.  Here's a small example.

 

 

"My faithful student, I see you are still at work on the task I assigned you. Though it may be of importance, I do not want to see you overworked. Rest is an important factor to take into account so that you may be at your best at all times. Even princesses like you or myself have to take a break or any task we aim to complete may be harmed in the process of being overstrained."

 

 

You see how I wrote exactly what you did, but using different words and some rewriting it comes out better?  It takes work to do this, but definitely worth it in the end.

 

The next paragraph has this same problem too with you using the word 'write' then 'writing' afterwords, though it's not that big.  No, there are other issues here.  The first sentence looks like you were trying to say too much.  The second sentence, that comes off really strange.  It needs to be completely rewritten.

 

 

Princess Twilight, using her magic to write with her quill to continue writing the scroll which contained her works on the task, turned her head, and with a smile put down the quill on her small, wooden desk.

 

 

Here's a rewrite, making the scene flow a little better.

 

 

Princess Twilight briefly continues to write down on her scroll, trying to get the last few words down.  Once complete, she places her quill down beside her work before turning her head to her mentor, a large smile beaming at her.

 

 

There's also the fact that there's info we don't need you put here.  Why do we need to know it's a wooden desk?  Why do we need to know it's small?  Only thing I get out of this is that Twilight was given a fairly small room for her work. 

 

If this is wrong and the room is much bigger, then that info you've written is definitely wrong.  Unless Celestia is not as generous as she would appear (or this turns into a Trollestia ideal) and gives her a little, wooden desk. 

 

If the info of the wooden desk is needed in the future, write it then.  If you want to, and just feel like you have to write it now, make it flow into the words and through showing us the details.  Many readers will prefer that over you telling them so much. 

 

And now for the next line.  This feels really strange.  You should try to show actions through the writing.  You have her one moment putting stuff from her desk down, then the next walking. 

 

 

She begins to walk towards Princess Celestia with both excite and discipline.

 

 

Here's an example of a rewrite.

 

 

Standing up from her desk, she walks over to Princess Celestia with excitement in her steps, but with the discipline she was taught to always have with her new responsibilities.

 

 

See what I did here?  That last part is showing that I'm implying she is still new in her role as a princess.  Writers will pick this up subconsciously and remember that.  Here's another rewrite, just slightly different.

 

 

Standing up from her desk, she walks over to Princess Celestia.  She walks forward in a disciplined manner, but her face shows the excitement that belies what many would assume as her upbringing.

 

 

See what I did this time?  Now, it's not about her role as a princess.  It's more about how she is as a character instead, giving the reader insight on just who Twilight is.  Now she can be shown as someone that wants to impress with who she is but with a lot of pip in her, like she's ready to take on anything.  With Celestia here, it can also be interpreted as being impressionable towards her.

 

Now a quick recap of things.  What you've written exactly -

 

 

    “My faithful student, I see you are still at work on the task I assigned you. Though it may be of importance, you must rest for rest is important for inspiration to complete such a task. Even a princess must rest for if one did not rest one would not complete any task at all.” Princess Twilight, using her magic to write with her quill to continue writing the scroll which contained her works on the task, turned her head, and with a smile put down the quill on her small, wooden desk.

 

 

What I've written -

 

 

    "My faithful student, I see you are still at work on the task I assigned you. Though it may be of importance, I do not want to see you overworked. Rest is an important factor to take into account so that you may be at your best at all times. Even princesses like you or myself have to take a break or any task we aim to complete may be harmed in the process of being overstrained."

 

    Princess Twilight briefly continues to write down on her scroll, trying to get the last few words down.  Once complete, she places her quill down beside her work before turning her head to her mentor, a large smile beaming at her.

 

    Standing up from her desk, she walks over to Princess Celestia.  She walks forward in a disciplined manner, but her face shows the excitement that belies what many would assume as her upbringing.

 

 

So far, your overall story is starting out fairly well.  It's a good introduction to whatever you have planned.  I do hope what I said here is helpful in anything you write in the future.

[BronyPony 575]

I think this is amazing!! You should really write more, ponies would really enjoy it. Everything is perfect; your grammar, your dialogue, your descriptive paragraphs. I can't do anything like this. Pleaseeee continue.

Thank you for the compliment. I may have finally found my talent at last?  

 

Your writing is very clean and has some of the best grammar I've seen on this site so far.  But, there are problems dealing with the overall structure of your story and how you're writing.

 

First off, it's really clumped up.  It seems you attempted to make proper paragraphs, but you didn't know where to space it out.  You should always put paragraphs together depending on a few things.  The first is subject, such as keeping it together on what is being written out, then if it goes on to something else or just needs a space depending on movement, then a new paragraph.  The second is talking areas. 

 

You should always place speaking parts by themselves, and separate them from other people talking.  If they perform an action then speak, or vice versa, then you can clump those two together so long as you do it properly.  And another really good thing to do is to put a space after each paragraph.  It helps reading things in the long run for your readers.

 

I am going to help in your second paragraph right now.  I'd do the first, but the second actually has speaking parts so I can show you how to write those properly.  Your writing will be in purple, mine in red.

 

    “My faithful student, I see you are still at work on the task I assigned you. Though it may be of importance, you must rest for rest is important for inspiration to complete such a task. Even a princess must rest for if one did not rest one would not complete any task at all.” Princess Twilight, using her magic to write with her quill to continue writing the scroll which contained her works on the task, turned her head, and with a smile put down the quill on her small, wooden desk. She begins to walk towards Princess Celestia with both excite and discipline. With a breath, she says with such curiosity, “I will do any task for you, for I shall remain faithful to you always, until the end of me, but may I ask what this task is supposed to mean? Trying to investigate the history before the beginning of Equestria is almost impossible for the records for such don’t exist, as I know of.” Princess Celestia, closing her eyes as she walks over to the bookshelf that stands tall among all the furniture, however seemingly invisible to those who do not see it’s true secrets, begins to search through the shelf with millions books, ranging from spells to the records of the giant kingdom that has existed for hundreds of years. “I wanted you to carry out this task to see if you could find something that may be missing from the history books of the beginning of Equestria. I feel you will have the capability to find a missing link to link together the past and the present for even the history books are incomplete,” she says as she walks slowly to the right of the bookcase. Puzzled, Twilight walks over to Princess Celestia trying to search for something that she does not know of, yet has a feeling of what it might be. After a few minutes, Princess Celestia finally opens her eyes and, using her magic, pulls out a large, green book that had seemed to blend within the other books because of its age and plainness. Curious about the book and its mysterious contents, Twilight tries to open the book with her magic, but surprisingly fails. Princess Celestia laughs softly as she walks over to the table containing the scroll of the task that Twilight was working on. “My student, you must complete your task before opening this book for without finishing your task, you will not be able to understand what it all means,” says Princess Celestia as she puts the book on the table. She then walks out of the room to go about her business.

 

 

This is extremely hard to read.  You need to space this out so people can let their eyes move through this better.  Here's your work spaced out properly.

 

 

    “My faithful student, I see you are still at work on the task I assigned you. Though it may be of importance, you must rest for rest is important for inspiration to complete such a task. Even a princess must rest for if one did not rest one would not complete any task at all.”

 

    Princess Twilight, using her magic to write with her quill to continue writing the scroll which contained her works on the task, turned her head, and with a smile put down the quill on her small, wooden desk. She begins to walk towards Princess Celestia with both excite and discipline.

 

    With a breath, she says with such curiosity, “I will do any task for you, for I shall remain faithful to you always, until the end of me, but may I ask what this task is supposed to mean? Trying to investigate the history before the beginning of Equestria is almost impossible for the records for such don’t exist, as I know of.”

 

    Princess Celestia, closing her eyes as she walks over to the bookshelf that stands tall among all the furniture, however seemingly invisible to those who do not see it’s true secrets, begins to search through the shelf with millions books, ranging from spells to the records of the giant kingdom that has existed for hundreds of years.

 

    “I wanted you to carry out this task to see if you could find something that may be missing from the history books of the beginning of Equestria. I feel you will have the capability to find a missing link to link together the past and the present for even the history books are incomplete,” she says as she walks slowly to the right of the bookcase.

 

    Puzzled, Twilight walks over to Princess Celestia trying to search for something that she does not know of, yet has a feeling of what it might be. After a few minutes, Princess Celestia finally opens her eyes and, using her magic, pulls out a large, green book that had seemed to blend within the other books because of its age and plainness.

 

    Curious about the book and its mysterious contents, Twilight tries to open the book with her magic, but surprisingly fails. Princess Celestia laughs softly as she walks over to the table containing the scroll of the task that Twilight was working on.

 

    “My student, you must complete your task before opening this book for without finishing your task, you will not be able to understand what it all means,” says Princess Celestia as she puts the book on the table. She then walks out of the room to go about her business.

 

 

See how much better this is?  I can actually read it now and tell who is speaking.  Of course, you still need to indent all the paragraphs afterwards like I've done up above, so don't forget that.

 

Another advantage of spacing helps show errors in your work.  The first one is shown in the very first paragraph where Celestia talks -

 

 

“My faithful student, I see you are still at work on the task I assigned you. Though it may be of importance, you must rest for rest is important for inspiration to complete such a task. Even a princess must rest for if one did not rest one would not complete any task at all.”

 

 

If you don't see it, you use the word 'rest' four times here.  I've done this before, and it hurts the overall writing by reusing a word over and over.  Use synonyms or even reword this in a new way so that goes away, even making it flow better.  Here's a small example.

 

 

"My faithful student, I see you are still at work on the task I assigned you. Though it may be of importance, I do not want to see you overworked. Rest is an important factor to take into account so that you may be at your best at all times. Even princesses like you or myself have to take a break or any task we aim to complete may be harmed in the process of being overstrained."

 

 

You see how I wrote exactly what you did, but using different words and some rewriting it comes out better?  It takes work to do this, but definitely worth it in the end.

 

The next paragraph has this same problem too with you using the word 'write' then 'writing' afterwords, though it's not that big.  No, there are other issues here.  The first sentence looks like you were trying to say too much.  The second sentence, that comes off really strange.  It needs to be completely rewritten.

 

 

Princess Twilight, using her magic to write with her quill to continue writing the scroll which contained her works on the task, turned her head, and with a smile put down the quill on her small, wooden desk.

 

 

Here's a rewrite, making the scene flow a little better.

 

 

Princess Twilight briefly continues to write down on her scroll, trying to get the last few words down.  Once complete, she places her quill down beside her work before turning her head to her mentor, a large smile beaming at her.

 

 

There's also the fact that there's info we don't need you put here.  Why do we need to know it's a wooden desk?  Why do we need to know it's small?  Only thing I get out of this is that Twilight was given a fairly small room for her work. 

 

If this is wrong and the room is much bigger, then that info you've written is definitely wrong.  Unless Celestia is not as generous as she would appear (or this turns into a Trollestia ideal) and gives her a little, wooden desk. 

 

If the info of the wooden desk is needed in the future, write it then.  If you want to, and just feel like you have to write it now, make it flow into the words and through showing us the details.  Many readers will prefer that over you telling them so much. 

 

And now for the next line.  This feels really strange.  You should try to show actions through the writing.  You have her one moment putting stuff from her desk down, then the next walking. 

 

 

She begins to walk towards Princess Celestia with both excite and discipline.

 

 

Here's an example of a rewrite.

 

 

Standing up from her desk, she walks over to Princess Celestia with excitement in her steps, but with the discipline she was taught to always have with her new responsibilities.

 

 

See what I did here?  That last part is showing that I'm implying she is still new in her role as a princess.  Writers will pick this up subconsciously and remember that.  Here's another rewrite, just slightly different.

 

 

Standing up from her desk, she walks over to Princess Celestia.  She walks forward in a disciplined manner, but her face shows the excitement that belies what many would assume as her upbringing.

 

 

See what I did this time?  Now, it's not about her role as a princess.  It's more about how she is as a character instead, giving the reader insight on just who Twilight is.  Now she can be shown as someone that wants to impress with who she is but with a lot of pip in her, like she's ready to take on anything.  With Celestia here, it can also be interpreted as being impressionable towards her.

 

Now a quick recap of things.  What you've written exactly -

 

 

    “My faithful student, I see you are still at work on the task I assigned you. Though it may be of importance, you must rest for rest is important for inspiration to complete such a task. Even a princess must rest for if one did not rest one would not complete any task at all.” Princess Twilight, using her magic to write with her quill to continue writing the scroll which contained her works on the task, turned her head, and with a smile put down the quill on her small, wooden desk.

 

 

What I've written -

 

 

    "My faithful student, I see you are still at work on the task I assigned you. Though it may be of importance, I do not want to see you overworked. Rest is an important factor to take into account so that you may be at your best at all times. Even princesses like you or myself have to take a break or any task we aim to complete may be harmed in the process of being overstrained."

 

    Princess Twilight briefly continues to write down on her scroll, trying to get the last few words down.  Once complete, she places her quill down beside her work before turning her head to her mentor, a large smile beaming at her.

 

    Standing up from her desk, she walks over to Princess Celestia.  She walks forward in a disciplined manner, but her face shows the excitement that belies what many would assume as her upbringing.

 

 

So far, your overall story is starting out fairly well.  It's a good introduction to whatever you have planned.  I do hope what I said here is helpful in anything you write in the future.

Thank you for the tips. I made the modifications needed. The ending probably was bad for me because I have been so excited to write the actual story that I "lost interest" and wanted to get the prologue done. But, the stage has to be set.  

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

Thank you for the compliment. I may have finally found my talent at last? 

 

Thank you for the tips. I made the modifications needed. The ending probably was bad for me because I have been so excited to write the actual story that I "lost interest" and wanted to get the prologue done. But, the stage has to be set. 

Ah, I've seen that happen plenty of times.  Writers want to have their ideas out as soon as possible, wanting to make scenes move quickly like it does in their heads or just want their writing shown.  Just remember to slow down a little and remember to show, not tell, along with putting proper pacing in your work.  So long as you can do that, you'll have a good story on your hands in the future.