"Against The Rules" Read my Fanfic?

[Dashabel 381]

EDIT: I apologise in advance for the difficulty to read the story itself - in the original piece, italics, paragraphs, bolds, you name it, are used; FimFiction.net rids half of that, and then this site half again. Sorry, but I'm just not going through the whole story just for this topic. But you can go to the link below!

 

So I've started writing a fanfic called Against the Rules, and posted it in Fimfiction.net. Here's the link:

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/103191/against-the-rules

 

OMFG what happened?? My whole description that was RIGHT HERE just disappeared when I went to edit.. And the story.... I guess you'll have to go to the link after all... ^^

Damn it.

Edited July 24, 2013 by Dashabel

[Hat988 105]

This one is hard to read because it is without paragraphs so I’ll review it from the link (so if there are any differences between here and there you won’t be confused). It makes it easier again to read if you use a new line for each time a character uses dialogue. For example:

 

 

“Hi,” she said.

 

“Cool,” the refrigerator replied.

 

From the shock, she fell to the floor.

 

 

Squarked Twilight. You invented a new word! But I don’t know if it’s a squawk or a yell or something so I cannot imagine very well what Twilight is doing here. Rainbow Dash then ‘moaned’, ‘frowned’, then Twilight ‘yelped’ and so on. Almost all of the time, it is much better to write ‘said’, using these adverbs very rarely (for effect). The objective is to convey enough information in the dialogue itself and context in which it is spoken so that the reader does not need to be told ‘she yelped’. ‘Said’ is quicker to read; the line is registered almost automatically, but if you put something else there whoever is reading will have to correct himself (e.g. already imagined Twilight said it hurriedly, but then has to change his memory so she also yelped while saying it).

 

There is also a large amount of dialogue making the story read almost like a transcript. Try first to describe what the characters are doing without using any dialogue at all. How much can you show without saying it explicitly? Twilight might be pulling books out of her spell practicing shelf and getting flustered. It would be pretty obvious then she cannot find what she is looking for. This gives the reader something more to be interested in. Rather than being told outright, reader can exercise his own intelligence to guess (your description can make sure he guesses well) and if he thinks he knows what is happening, you can then say in dialogue a surprise like:

 

 

Rainbow Dash watched her distressed friend pull the last book off the shelf before brushing her hoof around to be certain there were no more. Barely looking at the title, she tossed it in an amassing pile of old spell textbooks.

 

“I just can’t find my secret stash of dog snacks!” Twilight turned around. “Oh! Hi, Rainbow! What are you doing here?”

 

 

Chapter 1 is lot more interesting (not saying prologue is bad) because you are describing what Rainbow is going through instead of simply saying “I’m confused”. There is more to be curious about as well, especially the ending. There is also escalation. Rainbow is doing what seems to be fairly reasonable and it still gets worse for her. There is a significant amount of change from the start of the chapter to its finish.

 

But the start of chapter 2 makes it feel like there was not much progression at all. It is much too similar to the start of chapter 1; waking up with a bad headache. It is like all of chapter 1 was merely to get Rainbow to understand something then start again. She is also giving up too easily (going back to sleep). She has just discovered a new world. Shouldn’t there be more moving around/discovery/adventure? At least for a bit. You can use that opportunity to explore settings that you might want to use later in the story so the reader is already familiar with them by the time you really use them. Even though she was just run over this can still happen. Maybe there could be symbolic dreams, mingled with what is actually happening around her bed. The chapter gets better quickly though, just the start is the problem.

 

What if there were more of the aliens?

What if? It’s not even clear if they’re a threat yet.

 

Would Rainbow say ‘blimey’?

 

Easy to fix stuff:

Practise - > Practice

“You sure could use one..” -> “You sure could use one…”

“Hey, I found your-“ -> “Hey, I found your—“ (em dashes are used for interruptions, alt+0151 on numpad is the hotkey). This applies to other bits in your story but I haven’t listed them.

Put space before (

 

I only read up to chapter 3 but I think you are doing really well with a story that can be interesting in many ways! I hope what I have said helps.

Edited July 22, 2013 by Hat988

[Dashabel 381]

Thank you so much for the feedback! I shall definitely take into account these things - you clearly know what you're talking about

EDIT: Also, the annoying this is, it was in paragraphs - plenty of them - on my notes, which I'm writing it in, but when I upload it to FimFiction, it rids of them.

It will take me a while to correct my mistakes, but you have taught a good lesson, sir. (Madame?) Most if them are typing mistakes, anyway... Darn iPad...

Edited July 24, 2013 by Dashabel

[Hat988 105]

You are welcome  I know at least in Word (does that come on iPad?) if you disable automatically adding spaces between paragraphs it can copy easier onto Fimfiction.