Why the 'Friendzone' is Fake

[Adente 1,000]

The title says it all. This is an observation I have made over the last few years of high school. Warning: Mild rant incoming.

 

Back in my underclassman years of high school, I foolishly bought into the notion that there was such a thing as the 'friendzone'.  That is, girls didn't want 'nice guys', but wanted jerks, and that if you asked a girl out and she said she'd rather be 'just friends', that was an insult of the highest caliber. Looking back, I'm disgusted I ever held up this sexist and ludicrous notion. 

 

Anyone who views trying to have sexual encounters or a relationship as a gamble, a roll of the dice that immediately either has you swarming in chicks, or 'forever alone', is probably going to champion the notion of the friendzone. They will think of themselves as the 'dogged nice guy', when in actuality they are a guy who has deluded himself into thinking that acting 'nice' to a girl gives him an entitlement to sex or a relationship, or both. Girls aren't vending machines that you put some 'nice' coins in and get sex out. Neither are they unattainable entities that have to be bamboozled or tricked into liking guys. They are human beings who are also actively pursuing relationships. 

 

Another huge issue I have with the crusaders of the 'friendzone' is that they take being told by a girl that she just wants to 'be friends' with them as a cardinal insult. Just because she doesn't want to shag you doesn't reflect poorly on you, its just preference. The very fact that she wants to try and remain friends with you is something you should take as a compliment. She values you enough to want to still associate with you. It would be easy enough to just tell you to 'get lost', but she didn't. But the guys who cry and moan that this is friendzoning them are throwing that kindness back in the girl's face. 

 

Another point: I know this doesn't apply to all guys who complain about the friendzone, but it does apply to a lot. Sure, some people who are in platonic friendships can develop feelings for their friend. But more often, a guy will enter into a 'friendship' with a girl because he's interested (usually purely physically, but he will claim he likes her 'personality') in her romantically, but will hide it under the guise of friendship and hope that by being nice enough she'll eventually reciprocate his feelings. This is underhanded and not a 'nice' thing to do at all. So ironically, those 'nice guys' are actually anything but nice to the girls they are trying to woo. They deliberately mislead and deceive them. 

 

My final issue with friendzone guys: They put the girl of their affection on a pedestal. They imagine the girl as perfect, ignore any flaws, and say that they love her personality, the fact that she's attractive is only gravy to them. Or so they claim, of course. Unfortunately, this blind obsession with this one girl is unhealthy and ignores the fact that there are literally millions of other girls out there. Especially for those friendzone guys complaining in high school, or even worse, in middle school, the chances that this girl is 'the one' are almost nil. And yet they act like she is the only girl on the whole freaking planet. 

 

Okay, I'm all done ranting. Sorry if I offended anyone. I just wanted to get that off of my chest, because I have had way too many acquaintances both offline and online whine and complain about this recently. Guys, just mature a little and treat girls a little nicer. You are not the Knight in shining nice armor. Nor is every guy who isn't you who is in a relationship automatically a douchebag. Just please don't go around making girl's lives harder for them than they already are with all your friendzone crap, please. That is all.

 

Tl;dr: Friendzone is a load of crap, because girls aren't vending machines that take 'nice' coins and give out sex, sometimes there just is no spark of attraction and that won't change, these 'nice guys' actually aren't so nice, and the friendzone notion results in unhealthy obsession over one girl way too often. 

 

EDIT: Some people have misunderstood what I meant to get across. I am not saying all guys who believe in the notion of a 'friendzone' are only interested in sex. On the contrary, I think many of them have sincere intentions, but the simple matter is, sometimes the other person simply doesn't feel romantic interests for you. That's not saying anything negative about you at all, its just personal preference. However, I still think people with a chip on their shoulder because they perceived themselves as having been 'friendzoned', despite having sincere intentions, are in a toxic and unhealthy situation. To alter my 'vending machine' metaphor, girls aren't vending machines that you put nice coins into and get sex OR a relationship out of. 

Edited October 18, 2013 by Windy Runner

[Keyfur 40]

You're growing up It's comforting to know that some guys out there have some sense. 

 

But the friendzone isn't "fake" per se. It's real, it just means a girl wants to be friends. What you're talking about is when some guys take the rejection way too personally, which isn't healthy for anypony. 

 

Vsauce did a really good video on youtube. I think you might find it interesting.

[Adente 1,000]

You're growing up It's comforting to know that some guys out there have some sense. 

 

But the friendzone isn't "fake" per se. It's real, it just means a girl wants to be friends. What you're talking about is when some guys take the rejection way too personally, which isn't healthy for anypony. 

 

Vsauce did a really good video on youtube. I think you might find it interesting.

 

Haha don't worry, I've known this for the better part of 3 years. Its not like I just came to this realization. It was only when I was a wee little freshman that this applied to me. I just felt like ranting about it because recently a lot of guys at school have been whining about this stupid notion and it was driving me up the wall! And as for when I say the friendzone is fake, I mean that the treatment of it as a 'prison' for 'nice guys' is utter bull. It exists, to be sure, but everyone's been in there before. Its not emotional jail, and its certainly not exclusive to 'nice guys'. 

 

The video seems really good, I'll need to bookmark it! God, it reminded me of that stupid phrase 'nice guys finish last'. God I hate that phrase so much.

[Stallion Hoovrick 16]

Being a Sophomore in High-School and having been "Friend-zoned" a few times, I found this very enlightening! Granted I never actually took any of personally (Per say) and just kinda shrugged it off. Now I can see things a little different by valuing my friendships instead of treating them as a curse, of sorts. Thanks Windy Runner.

[ReverseFaller 2,483]

Nice post! You make a lot of great points. I look back at my middle school years and laugh at myself for obsessing over certain girls. Luckily as you grow older your eyes open a little more, and you realize that it was stupid to act that way. Then again, when I was in Middle school I never was in it "for the sex". I just genuinely liked this girl. She had an amazing personality, and was a blast to be around. Well, that and I thought she was absolutely beautiful. Nowadays we're just friends, which is more than enough for me as she's a great friend! 

 

I've overheard guys in my school talking about how the only good part of having a girlfriend is sex. Now this actually pissed me off. They're lucky enough to have a girl who cares for them, and all they care about is the sex? Wow...I've heard of a lot of people complain about being friendzoned. I don't see a friend who supposedly "friendzones" you as a drag, but as a friend. They were you friend before, so why not now? Because you don't have the chance to "get some" anymore? Anyways, the OP pretty much summed up what I'm thinking perfectly in his post. Also, that Vsauce video was awesome! 

[Envy 5,996]

EXACTLY! Self-proclaimed nice guys are anything but. The reason they don't have girlfriends at their side is either because they lack confidence or the girls have seen through their guise.

 

I've had a friend over the years that has whined about all of these things. He has driven me up the wall, because after about 2009 he stopped being all of that nice to me. No, he never liked me that way, he just liked this girl that was in our group of friends, and since she was so nice and accepting of me, he acted as if he was, too. When she rejected him and moved away he reverted to a whole different person. So not only are they disguising themselves as true friends to the girls they like, but they also can seemingly change their entire personality and views on things just to try to impress the girl.

 

There's nothing "nice" about being two-faced.

 

But there's another aspect that you didn't mention (that I know of), and it's what really makes this all misogynistic to me... They act as if they own the girls they like. That every guy she dates is automatically wrong for them, because they're not him. And they think that this girl is actually attracted to him, or that she can change the fact that she's not... BUT, when a girl that he considers unattractive likes him, he'll blow her off without a second thought. He would never even apply his own mindset on the other side of the fence, that maybe she deserves him. Only HIS feelings matter to him, a girl's doesn't. The incredibly simple fact that one can not be attracted to everybody goes right above their head... Because they think they own the girl they like. They may not really notice they're thinking that way, but it comes off as very misogynistic to us.

 

There's a world of difference between the way he treats girls he likes, and the way he treats me. Because he doesn't like me. >.> Oh well. Moving on.

[Fluttershyfan94 5,737]

It's very simple, if a girl or a guy friend zones you it's because they want to remain friends. They don't want to loose that friendship, a friendship is different from a relationship. People like different things, maybe he/she is just not interested in you so he/she puts you in the friend zone. While some may develop romantic feelings for a person the other might not have done the same.

 

I'm often annoyed when people whine about the friend zone. Because it is not like it's because the guy is nice that they don't like you. If there is some chemistry between the two, then there is something destined to happen but if it doesn't it's not because of the friend zone the other person just didn't feel the same. If a girl would friend zone me I would just respect her decision.

 

I have always been nice to most people, I have never had many friends. Except for internet friends, I have never been in a relationship either. It has nothing to do with me being nice. I wouldn't change that aspect of me either. It's just very simple, I just haven't met that person yet and I guess many people are just impatient.

 

Besides, it's not like you can't be friends with a girl without something happening.

[Planty 1,052]

hahaha yeah, the friend zone is basically a way guys deal with rejection, it doesn't exist :x.

 

But Girls don't seem to get that :/, its funny over the last 3 days me and my friends have talked about this a lot!

[Clover Heart 978]

I agree with this post wholeheartedly. Well said, man.

 

I can't stand people who feel self-entitled, especially when it comes to something that affects other people (i.e, a relationship.) Not even giving thought to the wants and needs of the other person, in that situation, one is implying that they deserve to have claim over this section of someone's life when they absolutely do not. These people, I feel, completely disrespect one's right to make one's own choices and to not be badgered because what they want to/don't want to do isn't what you want. Friendzoning is just a way to shame people for not indulging someone's unwarranted sense of self-entitlement. It's bullshit.

[aoEAF2FBvC0MIo2Q 3,671]

@@Envy

Two-faced individuals are the worst. This is something I know first hand...

 

I've only heard of this "friend-zone" thing and I've never experienced it personally. That said, all I have to go by is what people say and it's normally a rather noisy topic. Doesn't seem to be the case here though.

[Champion RD92 8,653]

Well honestly, I feel like a lot of girls, especially the attractive ones, won't even consider a relationship or even a date with a guy who isn't at their same level of attractiveness or popularity. In other words, if the guy is below their league, the girl will not even ever consider them as a possible boyfriend, no matter how nice the guy is and no matter how great of a boyfriend the guy would be. I mean, let's be honest, a lot of people are pretty shallow and they may say that personality is what matters the most, but really, I think most people care a lot more about looks than they care to admit. Now I'm not saying that all girls are shallow, nor am I saying that only girls are shallow. And about the friendzone, I think it really does exist. When a girl tells you flat out that she only likes you as a friend, that's putting you in the friendzone. The girl essentially sees you as nothing more than a guy that they want to be friends with and nothing more. Now I suppose a lot of guys take this as too much of an insult and complain about it a bit too much, but I must admit that it is very frustrating when you really like a girl and she flat out says to your face that she "doesn't like you like that."  Honestly, I feel like when a girl says that, she's basically saying "You're good enough to be my friend, but you're not good enough to be my boyfriend." It's kind of an insult, really. However, I understand that not every girl is gonna be attracted to every guy, and vice versa. I do agree with you though about girls not being a "vending machine" that you put coins into and get sex lol. However, not all guys want a relationship just for sex. It's not really fair to assume that guys only want to be with girls to get in their pants. Really, both guys and girls make assumptions about the opposite sex that aren't really true. Anyway, I'm not really sure what my point even is anymore. I still honestly think some of what I said earlier is true a lot of the time, but that's not always the case I suppose.

[Guest]

I thought anyone with an ounce of intelligence knew it was fake. Obviously girls don't just put a guy in a "friendzone" for no reason. If a girl doesn't wanna date a guy, there's obviously a reason why. We don't sit around and think "hm, I'm totally gonna friendzone him top lel". You can't help who younwanna date and who you don't. And those who you don't wanna date, you choose to be friends with. Then guys bitch and moan like we do it on purpose. Which is ridiculous.

Edited October 18, 2013 by MissCodeRed

[Champion RD92 8,653]

I thought anyone with an ounce of intelligence knew it was fake. Obviously girls don't just put a guy in a "friendzone" for no reason. If a girl doesn't wanna date a guy, there's obviously a reason why. We don't sit around and think "hm, I'm totally gonna friendzone him top lel". You can't help you like wanna date and who you don't. And those who you don't wanna date, you choose to be friends with. Then guys bitch and moan like we do it on purpose. Which is ridiculous.

 

You know, you're actually kind of right. No one can help whom they are attracted to or not. I have been "friendzoned" by a couple girls before, and I honestly felt kind of insulted, like they were saying I wasn't good enough for them or something. But really, I shouldn't expect them to like me in the same way I like them.

 

Although sometimes girls won't even consider dating a certain guy. I mean they could at least give them a chance, and if it doesn't work out, then fine.

[Guest]

You know, you're actually kind of right. No one can help whom they are attracted to or not. I have been "friendzoned" by a couple girls before, and I honestly felt kind of insulted, like they were saying I wasn't good enough for them or something. But really, I shouldn't expect them to like me in the same way I like them.

 

Although sometimes girls won't even consider dating a certain guy. I mean they could at least give them a chance, and if it doesn't work out, then fine.

RD, girls don't friendzone guys but when they DO do what you're talking about... that's not friendzoning. That's called being an uppity, stuck up, better than everyone else bitch. And you don't want a girl like that to begin with you don't waste your time on those.

[Champion RD92 8,653]

RD, girls don't friendzone guys but when they DO do what you're talking about... that's not friendzoning. That's called being an uppity, stuck up, better than everyone else bitch. And you don't want a girl like that to begin with you don't waste your time on those.

 

Well if girls don't friendzone guys, then what do you call it when a girl says to a guy "I don't like you like that, I only like you as a friend." Isn't that what friendzoning is? 

[Guest]

Well if girls don't friendzone guys, then what do you call it when a girl says to a guy "I don't like you like that, I only like you as a friend." Isn't that what friendzoning is? 

Well, from my experience, girls just say that to guys to not hurt their feelings. THEN they don't even talk to them or be friends with them. So if they say that and don't talk to the guy anymore, then they're just being nice and trying to let them down easy. But if they do remain friends, I guess it could be called the friendzone (if you want) but it just meant she wasn't attracted to you like that... and she wasn't thinking in her mind "lol friendzone".

[BoopMan 2,392]

Truth be told I've been turned down by girls, but I never thought they were "friendzoning" me per say. Just not interested. I do have to agreewith RD92. Some girls, and this applies to men too, that just simply refuse to date anyone not of equal status and appeal to them. But as MCR said, that's more of being stuck up, arrogant, and conceited.(my version of it.)

[Descant 1,897]

From my experience, friendzoning is a thing. I think it may be have been a bit more complicated than that, but from my point of view, all I saw was myself being friendzoned by someone I would have bet my soul liked me too. As in, she'd rather just be my friend than go out with me, despite mutual attraction. I mean, still, I'd be more than happy to just be friends with this person. She's great.

 

Anywho... That's not the point I want to make. You call friendzoning sexist. You know that men can friendzone women too, right? You just don't hear women complaining about it as much. But it does happen the other way just as often.

[~Master~ Button Mash 2,307]

Since I've been there at times in my life...

 

I see the friendzone as a form of rationalization. A way of dealing with rejection. Whether it's true or not is actually secondary. People want explanation. And they can either look outwardly ("friend zone" explanation), or inwardly (begin questioning what is wrong with them and becoming self conscious of their flaws. Which was my [not so healthy] method).

 

That's my theory.

 

If anything I'd prefer people believe in the friend zone, because at least then their self esteem is left intact.

Edited October 18, 2013 by ~Master~ Button Mash

[Thrashy 2,798]

I have to say, I find OP somewhat misguided in the outright assumption - an often false one, at that - that those who complain of being friendzoned were interested in nothing more than sex the whole time. Sorry, but that's just a load of BALLS any way you look at it; it may be true for many, but not nearly enough to make such a broad generalization about it.

 

Case in point, I myself am a prime example of a man who fell deeply in love with a woman for her personality alone (let's just say she wasn't what most guys would consider to be physically attractive), only to be sidelined as someone who just "wasn't attractive enough" for her...her words, mind you. That's what you call "friendzoning", kiddies - "You are not good enough to be my partner because I've got unrealistic expectations of how an ideal mate should be."

 

And notice how I said "ideal mate", not "ideal man". This is because women fall just as victim to shallow men as vice versa, contrary to what some of you have been (rather naively, IMO) stating. Perhaps women don't bitch about being friendzoned as much as men do - maybe they're just better equipped to cope with such emotional anguish without venting it openly - but said anguish is still very real, and frankly, it's kind of insulting that anyone would automatically make the assumption that "if he/she's butthurt about being rejected, they only wanted the D/V". Sorry, but if you actually think that way, then it's not 'friendzone complainers' that need to grow up.

 

Now, if it isn't clear by this point, let me just state right now that I have a massive fucking chip on my shoulder about this issue, and if anyone here wants to attempt to look me in the eye and question the pureness of my intentions with the girl who led me on, go right ahead. Hell, do me one better and build a time machine so you can go back and talk to the alcoholic wreck I'd become for nearly 9 months. I'm sure he'd totally agree wholeheartedly with your insinuation that he "just mad cuz he lookin' for a cheap fuck". If you do attempt this, I recommend that you make sure all your affairs have been sorted out beforehand, because chances are slim that you'll come back in one piece.

 

EDIT:

 

...You know, I'm sorry, fellas. I flew off the handle - you have a right to your opinions, and I've no right to lose my temper because you feel differently than I do about the subject. Let me just say that it's still a very, VERY sore issue with me - the pain of having lost whom I believed beyond a shadow of the doubt was my soulmate hasn't gone away after more than a year, and it's bound to stick with me for years to come. It's a deeply personal issue that still really hurts, but I had no right to take out on all you fine folks. I still don't agree with the OP, but it's a valid opinion nonetheless and I will respect it.

 

Love and peace, peeps.

Edited October 21, 2013 by Lowline

[Champion RD92 8,653]

I have to say, I find OP somewhat misguided in the outright assumption - an often false one, at that - that those who complain of being friendzoned were interested in nothing more than sex the whole time. Sorry, but that's just a load of BALLS any way you look at it; it may be true for many, but not nearly enough to make such a broad generalization about it.

 

Case in point, I myself am a prime example of a man who fell deeply in love with a woman for her personality alone (let's just say she wasn't what most guys would consider to be physically attractive), only to be sidelined as someone who just "wasn't attractive enough" for her...her words, mind you. That's what you call "friendzoning", kiddies - "You are not good enough to be my partner because I've got unrealistic expectations of how an ideal mate should be."

 

And notice how I said "ideal mate", not "ideal man". This is because women fall just as victim to shallow men as vice versa, contrary to what some of you have been (rather naively, IMO) stating. Perhaps women don't bitch about being friendzoned as much as men do - maybe they're just better equipped to cope with such emotional anguish without venting it openly - but said anguish is still very real, and frankly, it's kind of insulting that anyone would automatically make the assumption that "if he/she's butthurt about being rejected, they only wanted the D/V". Sorry, but if you actually think that way, then it's not 'friendzone complainers' that need to grow up.

 

I really agree with this. I hate when girls assume like "Oh, he only wanted me to get in my pants, oh my god, guys are such pigs, blah blah blah."

 

Girls can be just as shallow as men, and a lot of guys don't just want a relationship for sex, and it's really not fair to assume that.

[Koelath 442]

The friendzone is a delusion invented by assholes with persecution complexes. There's no mystical zone that prevents being more than a friend but if all you do is act like a friend, no shit that's all you'll be to anybody. The so-called "friendzone" is just something for guys to blame when they undertake the incredibly douchey and creepy idea of getting friendly with a chick as if once they accumulate enough magical friend points, she'll decide she wants to fuck them like it's a dating sim or Mass Effect. When this incredibly bizarre notion proves false, they cry about this imaginary zone because it gives them something to blame other than themselves.

 

Essentially, this is the "friendzone":

 

Guy: "Hey, I like this chick but I'm not gonna just be straightforward about it because I'm a coward. But maybe if I become her friend, she'll eventually realize she wanted my penis up in her cooch all along!"

 

*plan fails*

 

Guy: "AHHH WHAT THE FUCK SHE FRIENDZONED ME, I DON'T UNDERSTAND! I WAS SO FRIENDLY AND EVERYTHING, WHY WOULD SHE THINK I WANTED TO BE FRIENDS! WHY DIDN'T SHE REALIZE SHE TOTALLY WANTS MY DICK!"

 

*Other guy who is actually worth something instead of just being a cowardly slimy nimrod gets the girl instead*

Edited October 18, 2013 by Koelath

[Scootalove 10,684]

I can't stand the friendzone either, since sometimes a girl or woman would reject someone for their looks or it would be the other way around. Just because, someone thinks a boy wants to be a girl's friend to get in their pants does not mean that it is true in some cases.

[Champion RD92 8,653]

The friendzone is a delusion invented by assholes with persecution complexes. There's no mystical zone that prevents being more than a friend but if all you do is act like a friend, no shit that's all you'll be to anybody. The so-called "friendzone" is just something for guys to blame when they undertake the incredibly douchey and creepy idea of getting friendly with a chick as if once they accumulate enough friend points, she'll decide she wants to fuck them like it's a dating sim or Mass Effect. When this incredibly bizarre notion proves false, they cry about this imaginary zone because it gives them something to blame other than themselves.

 

Essentially, this is the "friendzone":

 

Guy: "Hey, I like this chick, but I'm not gonna just be straightforward about it because I'm a coward. But maybe if I become her friend, she'll eventually realize she wanted my penis up in her cooch all along!"

 

*plan fails*

 

Guy: "AHHH WHAT THE FUCK SHE FRIENDZONED ME, I DON'T UNDERSTAND! I WAS SO FRIENDLY AND EVERYTHING, WHY WOULD SHE THINK I WANTED TO BE FRIENDS! WHY DIDN'T SHE REALIZE SHE TOTALLY WANTS MY DICK!"

 

*Other guy who is actually worth something instead of just being a cowardly slimy nimrod gets the girl instead*

 

I don't know why, but this post was hilarious to read lol.

 

I don't think that most guys assume that if they are friends with a girl, the girl will automatically want to have sex with them. That's pretty ridiculous.

[Koelath 442]

I don't know why, but this post was hilarious to read lol.

 

I don't think that most guys assume that if they are friends with a girl, the girl will automatically want to have sex with them. That's pretty ridiculous.

 

You'd be surprised how common it is...People are pretty ridiculous. It's one of the many faults of sapience. Funny how our allegedly advanced brains create so many flaws that lesser animals don't possess. You never see dogs having to put up with this shit.

 

Hell, I was as straightforward as could be with a girl years back and, after a fairly tumultuous period of on-off-on-off stuff, ultimately rejected. Never once have I used the term 'friendzone' in reference to the ordeal though because the mere idea of arbitrary exclusionary zones is just all manner of insulting and asinine. Humans aren't that simple. There aren't three separate circles marked 'friends', 'enemies' and 'people I'd sure like to bone someday'. With people being the fickle, fallible, generally perpetually-conflicted creatures that they are, there are more likely three overlapping circles and the boundaries are all kinda smudged and blurry.

Edited October 18, 2013 by Koelath