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Breaking the Cycle : Chapter 1


DukeofCanterlot
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Twilight Sparkle felt a sense of relief, being a princess was tough - physically, mentally, and emotionally. She spent three months away from her friends at Ponyville at a royal retreat. Spike joined her but her best pony friends were forbidden to go by Princess Celestia. Admittedly, it was probably for the best. At this retreat, Twilight had learned from all the princesses around her what it was like to truly be royalty, she learned about what made her truly special among the ponies as a whole. Twilight was filled with doubt for the past half year as to whether she could make it as a princess.

 

One night, Celestia asked her, "Have you figured out why you were chosen to be a princess yet?" Twilight responded anxiously, "No clue, it is an honor I am not sure I deserve." "Someday, you will realize that is a ridiculous thing to think. I have seen a lot of princes and princesses come into their own over the past thousand years. In fact, you will learn soon that you are more than a princess." "Now I know that you're playing with me." "I think there is an open spot in pony kindergarten if you are interested." "To be a teacher? I would love to." "Yea, sure, what a horrid job that would be..I have a premonition of an important test coming for you soon, it is one of which I don't know its nature, but it will prove to you that you are meant to be one of us." "I won't let you down, Princess Celestia. I just hope I don't lose my best friends in the process." "Sadly, that day will come soon. Immortality is a blessing and a curse." "But that is hopefully a long time away." "Yes, I suppose it is, my most faithful student. You have learned friendship well."

The conversation Twilight had with Celestia that night forced her to think really hard about the future. Twilight was granted immortality by being a princess.. but how long would she have her friends? Twilight knew she would be able to grant her future husband immortality the same way Cadence was able to for her brother, Shining Armor. But Twilight couldn't imagine a happy future without Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie or the rest.. or Spike, but dragons have much longer life spans than ponies. Spike would most likely be around long after her five friends passed. Was that why Celestia had forbidden any of them to visit Twilight during the retreat? Was Celestia preparing Twilight for the future? Oh no... being a princess is not so good after all. At least, that was a long time from now.

 

 

Twilight and Spike were on their way back to Ponyville. "You know what Twilight, I am gonna really miss being back in Canterlot. The gems are better here", said Spike, carrying a gem almost as big as his body on his back. "You should tell Rarity that", teased Twilight. After a brief pause, Spike exclaimed, "Screw Canterlot, we can't get back to Ponyville any sooner!! Rarity is going to love this gem, I might even give it to her if it wasn't so damn good..." Twilight laughed, "Couldn't agree with you more, Spike. I am sure our friends are so excited to see us again. Getting letters from them on a regular basis just isn't enough." "Yea, umm...Twilight, I could use a little bit of your magic to help with this gem." "Oh, sorry Spike." Twilight used her magic to make the gem feel lighter on his back. "Good, otherwise, I was going to ride you with that gem." Twilight rolled her eyes. They got onto the hot air balloon which was going to take them back to Ponyville. Twilight was exhausted and fell asleep.

 

"Destroy the weak one by one..destroy them, you cannot lose." "Destroy, destroy, my princess", said a hissing masculine voice.

 

Twilight opened her eyes and couldn't see a thing, she was in a dark area. She called out, "Spike? Where are you?" "Who's Spike? Destroy the weak..destroy them..it was what you were meant to do." "No, I won't." "You must." "No!" "Yes!" "No!" "Yes!" "NO!!!!"

Twilight woke up in the balloon and saw a groggy Spike,
"Did I wake you up, Spike? I'm so sorry, I must of had a nightmare."
"Me too, Twilight. I showed my gem to Rarity and she called it blase and destroyed it with her magic.. what about you?"
"Oh, not as bad as that. It was nothing."
"You're still shaking, Twilight."
"I don't know, Spike. My dream honestly made no sense."
"Like Pinkie Pie?" Spike laughed at his own question.
"C'mon, that was a little meanspirited", said Twilight with a chuckle.
"But there's a smile, you know it's true, so tell me about your dream."
"Well, I couldn't see anything. I just heard a hissing and horrid voice, it was telling me to "Destroy the weak one by one...", it was awful."
"It must be all the princess duties which are freaking you out. Twilight, just remember that you will be defending the weak, not destroying them..or perhaps you are destroying their weakness to make them strong."
"The voice sounded so horrible though..but I suppose you're right, Spike.  I am glad to have you around. Besides, I could never do such a thing, no matter who told me to do so."

"Even if it was Princess Celestia?"

"She would never."

"I don't know.. a princess that let Discord free just to see if you guys could reform him might be willing to pull a few tricks or too."

"I should summon you to the royal dungeon for blasphemy."
"Who's going to clean your house?"
"Owlicious."
"Shut up, I bet I could get him to go to the dungeon with me. We've become real pals."
"Then, I guess I am screwed."
"Look Twilight, we are at Ponyville!!" 

The hot air balloon landed softly onto the ground.

Twilight got out, levitating both Spike and his enormous gem.

Twilight could hear a bouncing noise. "Pinkie Pie!!"
It was indeed Pinkie Pie.

"Oh Twilight, I have missed you so much! I was worried that you would forget my name but Rainbow Dash was insistent that you wouldn't forget because you were so smart but I still missed you so much." The two hugged. 

"How have things been in Ponyville?"
"Oh great, I made you a special cake and one for Spike. Things are so much more awesomier now that you are here, oh some of the ponies have gotten really mean.. unlike you."
"Really?"
"Yea, that Applejack has become real awful..always boasting about all the stupid work she does on her farm. Nobody gives a damn of course but she's there talking with her dumb country style accent. She won't even let me pick apples but so great you're here but the others are still pretty cool..." Pinkie kept on talking but all Twilight could think is, "Something has gone terribly wrong in Ponyville."

 

Chapter 2 coming soon..


Let me know what you guys think of the story so far!

I am very excited to write it and have a decent idea of where I want to take it.

Edited by DukeofCanterlot
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  • 2 weeks later...

So far so good. Dialogues look pretty plausible (except for several minor moments here and there) and humorous. I'd break them in paragraph 2 in a way you did in other paragraphs. Sometimes it's not obvious enough who's saying what from the context.

 

The most out-of-place part is that paragraph after Twilight fell asleep. I started reading it and I had a feeling that I confused the paragraphs and started reading something out of order. It was quite distracting. Maybe you should sandwich it somewhat more into some description of the actual dream (however fuzzy) before the hissing voice appears? You know, something similar to what they do in cartoons before some sudden action when they lean the figure a bit in the opposite direction to prepare the viewer that something will happen and he needs to pay closer attention (it's called "anticipation of motion").

 

I see what you did there with all that foreshadowing. Try not to overdose it, to not ruin the ending, though, but it's quite well done.

 

The last bit of dialogue between Twilight and Spike (that with Owlalicious) I felt somewhat stalled and unnecessary (I might be wrong, though, if it's in some way important to the plot, but then some anticipation might be required here too).

 

The part about pony kindergarten also looks a bit weird: first she proposes it to her, only to disgust it to her a moment later when Twilight shows how much would she love it. I don't know what to think about it: why is Celestia playing such a wicked game with her?

 

The dialogue with Pinkie Pie seem out-of-character, but I guess it's done on purpose. But then, I'd try to sandwich it a bit, that it won't be so much "in your face".

 

As I said, so far so good. Keep up your work, I'm curious what will happen next ;-) and that's a good sign: you've grabbed my attention.

 

Just BTW, I'm designing a story at present, too, inspired by a dream I had several nights ago. It would be a crossover with "Star Wars", with a little flavor of "Back To The Future" ;-) Maybe you can take a look at it too, and tell me how you find it?

Edited by SasQ
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