your opinions please!

[Twilight Mist 54]

I've finished the first chapter of my fanfic and I was hoping to get your options. Basically the plot is the mane six fall through a wormhole. Stranded, they agree to join the multiverse agency, where they fight criminals, terrorists etc. However they find out that Equestria has a dark past, and that a long lost prince has come back to seize the crowns off of Celestia and Luna

 

Chapter one.

 

'Jeez, what are we doing in this shithole?' Rainbow Dash asked.

'Waiting for our orders.' Twilight Sparkle replied.

' Why do the crims always have to have their hideouts in the middle of nowhere?'

'Why do you think, there hardly going to set up an illegal wormhole in the middle of downtown, are they?'

' suppose not.'

Just then there was a loud knock on the van door where the two had been waiting.'

'Guess who I found?' Asked one of the five who were struggling to get into the warmth of the van.

'Who Pinkie? Oh Daniel it's you'

'You seem surprised to see me Twilight' the multiverse agent replied.' Well don't worry

I'm here to give you your orders.'

'At last,' Rainbow Dash said sarcastically ' Do you know how long me and Twilight have been sitting in this freezing cold van'

'Well at least you weren't in the cold' another of the young ladies said.

'Easy ladies, do want your orders or not? Now listen closely, we have intelligence to indicate that a major criminal syndicate is using the illegal wormhole you discovered to traffic a large amount of a drug called Xcite from the Shiva Universe. Xcite is extremely potent to humans in this universe so the haul must be destroyed and the Wormhole closed.'

'so what's the plan?'

'Right Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, I want you in there all guns blazing kicking ass. Think you can do that.'

'Of course.' The three said in unison.

'Rainbow, Fluttershy I want you on the building opposite, anyone comes out,shoot them.'

'You've got to be shitting me'

'There a problem, Rainbow?''

'Yeah, Fluttershy is a shit shot.'

'No, i'm not' Fluttershy replied quietly.

Before Rainbow Dash could respond a young lady wearing a cowboy hat asked ' what about me?'

'Don't worry Applejack, I haven' t forgotten you. You're with me. Now remember, the main priority is the drugs and the wormhole. If any of them surrender, fine but remember, these criminals have blighted millions of lives. No one will miss them if they are killed resisting, got that?'

'Yes'

'Goodie' Pinkie Pie said as they all clambered out of the van ' now I can finally try out my new handguns.' She pulled out two Desert eagles.

' out of all the colours you could have chosen, you had to have them painted pink' Rainbow Dash said

'Yep' Pinkie Pie replied

'This is gonna be a long night.'

 

'How long till this transaction takes place?' A shifty looking character asked

'He should be here in five minutes' his partner replied.

'I don't like this'

'What do you mean?'

'I mean this Daniel, did he give you his surname, or is that even his real name? I don't trust him.'

'And the feelings probably mutual, we're drug dealers after all..'

Suddenly one of the walls in the building imploded

'What the hell?'

'ARGH'

The shifty character reached for his radio 'what the fuck is going on!?'

'Boss, an eighteen wheeler has just driven into the building'

 

'ready girls, one, two, three, go go go'

Twilight, Rarity and Pinkie Pie rushed out of the truck to engage the criminals amid a hail of gunfire.

'Twilight, use your powers!' Rarity shouted as she was fighting hand to hand with two criminals.

'Right' and at that she launched a force push which knocked four criminals flat.

 

Meanwhile, on the roof of the building opposite Rainbow dash was staring into the scope of a sniper rifle.

'Typical, I get stuck up here while everyone else gets the action. Well to hell with this, I'm going in'

'But...but Daniel told us to stay here' Fluttershy replied.

'Fuck that' Rainbow dash said as she leapt off the roof and ran toward the warehouse.

'Ooof' as she reached the entrance she collided into one of the criminals knocking them both to the ground. She began to get up when someone else came out of the warehouse with a submachine gun pointed at her.

'You stupid bit..urgh!'

Rainbow Dash looked up to see Fluttershy floating above her with the sniper rifle in hand.

'See, I told you I wasn't a rubbish shot!'

 

Inside the warehouse Twilight,Rarity and Pinkie Pie were clearing up the last of the drug dealers.

'Is that everyone?' Twilight asked.

'Yes' Rarity replied.

Suddenly a panicked voice came through their headsets.

'Guys, we've got a problem. Big time.'

They both rushed to find Pinkie Pie aiming her handguns against the leader of the gang.

'Able was right, he was right not to trust that asshole' as he opened up his jacket to reveal a bomb vest.

'Listen you don't want to do this' Twilight pleaded

'Oh,I do! You think I'm going to going to spend the next century frozen. I'd rather die.

What are you staring at.' The criminal kingpin turned around to see Daniel behind him.

'No one calls me an asshole!' Daniel exclaimed, giving the criminal a knockout punch.

'You see, that's how it's done.Applejack, you can come out now!'

'Phewee, you guys made a real mess!' Applejack said as she emerged from the driver seat of the truck.

'Did I miss anything?' A voice called out behind them.

'Rainbow, I told you to stay on the roof of that building!'

'Ah, you know me, I didn't want to miss out on all the fun.'

'Never mind, come on I'll show you the haul. Nearly two tonnes of the stuff.'

'What are we going to do with it?' Pinkie Pie asked.

'Send it back to where it came from. Twilight I' m going to need your powers. Do you think you could lift that amount in one go.'

' I'll try, but couldn't we just move the gateway?'

'No can do. It's connected to the mains. Now come on, let's get a move on!'

 

'Wow, that's a lot of drugs!' Pinkie Pie exclaimed.

'Looks just like flour to me.' Applejack commented

'So does Cocaine, but you wouldn't bake a cake with it.' Daniel said 'Remember girls, Drugs are the biggest threat that the multiverse has faced. Far bigger than war or terrorism.'

'I wonder what it's like?' Rainbow Dash pondered aloud ' if it's really as addictive as everyone says?'

'Don't even think it' Twilight responded angrily ' Xcite is designed for humans, not equestrians. Remember when you tried ketamine?'

'Oh come on, ketamine is made for us.'

'Yeah, as a tranquilizer!'

Before they could argue any further Rarity interrupted ' the gateway is open.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Edited February 1, 2014 by samuelkingsley

[Book Horse 12]

Wow!  Awesome job!  I really like it.  It's really exciting.  I've never really been into fan fiction before, but I think I'm going to give it a shot!  I like how Fluttershy said 'rubbish shot' instead of 's*** shot' like Rainbowdash said.  Just like Fluttershy!  Anyway, the first chapter is really awesome, hope you can finish it and maybe post it on the forums!

[Bucky McGillyCuddy 956]

 

 

'Wow, that's a lot of drugs!' Pinkie Pie exclaimed.

Now you have my attention haha.  

[BassBrony 33]

Ponies, drugs, and guns. Haha that's a combo you don't read everyday! 

i would recommend a bit less dialect, and more explaining 

i'm definitely looking forward to the rest of the story