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Skygunner

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Skygunner
Skygunner

Very simple point to this topic.  I'm an unemployed historian (.........)  with a second in English,   and general artsyness.   Oh and basement dweller levels of MLP lore knowledge.  A vendor at MLP c

Skygunner
Skygunner

And here you go    

Skygunner
Skygunner

Right Right, here you go.      

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Scribblegroove

Scribblegroove

Well, if you don't need any help, I might as well throw my OC in. It's far from perfect, and it still needs a lot of work. It's not ar par with the level I want it to be at, but I got lazy, and this is enough to get into most roleplays. Hoefully after some constructive feedback I will get inspired to finish it.

 

There are some flaws in it that I have already spotted but not yet polished out, but I am hoping you can point out some things that I haven't seen yet. :3

 

The first story is kinda bad for what I usually do, but the second story is a lot better.

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/scribblegroove-r5437

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  • 1 month later...
Skygunner

Skygunner

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Could you review my latest OC Force Shock? http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/force-shock-r5503

 

Hello, first I'd like to apologize for how long it took to write this.   I had to go though many drafts for reasons you'll see. 

 

 

 

Let's just get to the point.  This OC has a considerably large number of plot holes.  If you're unaware of the term,  it basically means an action, or response,  doesn't make a lot of sense,  or isn't well justified.   These are what I'd like to focus on first.  So this will be a little out of orde

Why didn't the uncle kill him?   I mean,  how he's written.   This pony driven to the darkest depths out of jealous and anger,  to the point of being pure evil.   Obtaining a magical sword and then....................he just cuts the horn off?  Rides off into the night laughing?  Why?  He's come that far,  he hates Force Shock,  why does he stop at the horn?  Obviously,  because there's no character if Force is killed,  but that's why it's a plot hole.  He either needs to be hurt worse by this encounter,  or the uncle can't have gone full evil until after it.

 

 

Why doesn't Force Shock have a martial arts cutie mark? He trained in them for 7 years. Apparently he's a master in 2 types of them,  so much to the point that he drives his uncle stupid with anger.  How can he be that good, and not have a cutie mark in it?  because then he couldn't gain a cutie mark that matches his name and mysterious ability.

 

Which is a great tie in to

 

"It's not magic,  but it's also not telekinesis because I said so"

That makes very little sense. In fact, it makes it sound like you don't know what it is either.   It's not bad to be phsycic.  Leading into my next point a bit, but the idea he can't use magic basically means everyone will think  "telekenisis".  But....you say it's not.  Then what is it,  this needs to be addressed because,   what you're describing is an unerworldly, unprecedented ability.  Does, he control spirits?  do they move things for him?  We don't you know, it's not explained.

 

"Why didn't he go home after his uncle chopped off his horn?"

Well to do, noble family of alicorns.  He loses one bout and then decides the best thing to do is......live in the slums?   Why?  He has a home, he has parents,  parents whom are probably worried off thier butts for him. Did the uncle kill then? I doubt it, he didn't even kill Force.  So where are they?  This is probably the largest plot hole with his past and utterly needs addressed. 

 

That's about what I can give you to start with.  There's more,  but without those all being resolved in some way,  there's really no point in going into them. 

 

I'm sorry once more,  that it took so long.   Truly. 

 

 

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Dattebayo

Dattebayo

(edited)

Mm...

Gotta get in on this.

Your analysis are in-depth and fair, and frankly, some of these OCs deserved the notch you took them down.

 

Will be back. x)

Edited by Dattebayo
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Courageous Thunder Dash

Courageous Thunder Dash

Hello, first I'd like to apologize for how long it took to write this.   I had to go though many drafts for reasons you'll see. 

 

 

 

Let's just get to the point.  This OC has a considerably large number of plot holes.  If you're unaware of the term,  it basically means an action, or response,  doesn't make a lot of sense,  or isn't well justified.   These are what I'd like to focus on first.  So this will be a little out of orde

Why didn't the uncle kill him?   I mean,  how he's written.   This pony driven to the darkest depths out of jealous and anger,  to the point of being pure evil.   Obtaining a magical sword and then....................he just cuts the horn off?  Rides off into the night laughing?  Why?  He's come that far,  he hates Force Shock,  why does he stop at the horn?  Obviously,  because there's no character if Force is killed,  but that's why it's a plot hole.  He either needs to be hurt worse by this encounter,  or the uncle can't have gone full evil until after it.

 

 

Why doesn't Force Shock have a martial arts cutie mark? He trained in them for 7 years. Apparently he's a master in 2 types of them,  so much to the point that he drives his uncle stupid with anger.  How can he be that good, and not have a cutie mark in it?  because then he couldn't gain a cutie mark that matches his name and mysterious ability.

 

Which is a great tie in to

 

"It's not magic,  but it's also not telekinesis because I said so"

That makes very little sense. In fact, it makes it sound like you don't know what it is either.   It's not bad to be phsycic.  Leading into my next point a bit, but the idea he can't use magic basically means everyone will think  "telekenisis".  But....you say it's not.  Then what is it,  this needs to be addressed because,   what you're describing is an unerworldly, unprecedented ability.  Does, he control spirits?  do they move things for him?  We don't you know, it's not explained.

 

"Why didn't he go home after his uncle chopped off his horn?"

Well to do, noble family of alicorns.  He loses one bout and then decides the best thing to do is......live in the slums?   Why?  He has a home, he has parents,  parents whom are probably worried off thier butts for him. Did the uncle kill then? I doubt it, he didn't even kill Force.  So where are they?  This is probably the largest plot hole with his past and utterly needs addressed. 

 

That's about what I can give you to start with.  There's more,  but without those all being resolved in some way,  there's really no point in going into them. 

 

I'm sorry once more,  that it took so long.   Truly. 

 

 

Okay...I guess I've got quite a bit of work to do. I was thinking about an RP that would finish the story. 

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Skygunner

Skygunner

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I'd love to see the opinions of someone on my characters as they are written: most folks I discuss them with have some kind of extra knowledge of them from roleplaying.

 

If you find time, it would be great to have an outside view on Wish:

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/wish-scribe-adult-r5928

 

No worries if your snowed under though! I can see you've got a lot of requests. :P

ALL SHALL BE ANSWERED

 

-it just takes a while-

 

 

 

So, there's one thing running though all this that is sorta off.    Namely.  "Why does she care so much about her brother"

 

From the information you've provided,  we have a pony,  whom has a family.  Mother, Father, Brother  and herself.  While young -no age given- the brother leaves home.   Okay.   

 

He doesn't come back,  for quite some time.  Parents feel?   She clearly misses him,,but why?  And why then after he doesn't come back that her parents forbid her from going out to look?  Do they know something?  Did he know something? 

 

So...she steals their things and goes out after them.   Did she not love her parents?   Why does she care so much about her brother that she'd be willing to leave her family,  life, and rob her parents in persuit of him.   There's a lot of relations that just aren't said,  but sorta need said.  

 

Parents care about their son?

Parents care about her?

His relationship with her?

 

In short.  Her story makes sense....however,  it isn't justified.    Possibly because this is an abbreviated version,  but her actions seem very strange. 

 

Please don't take this the wrong way,   she actually sounds like a very interesting character to read a story about,  or RP with.   You're just missing some crucial relationship reasoning.  I would also suggest just drawing,  or MS Painting a version of her cutie mark.   It's hard to picture exactly and not sure your reasoning behind it is 100% coming though with the image i'm seeing in my head.

 

Visually,  both she and Shield are just cuties.   -hurp-  Sorry I don't really have much more to say, little short bio (not an issue)

 

 

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Forlong

Forlong

Okay, I've got one that I plan to use for a lot of fanfics and my YouTube account.

post-3094-0-72562000-1399861390_thumb.png

 

Name: Prince Thunderflare

Race: Pegasus

Home: Breezia

Personality:

Intelligent and generous with advice and material goods, but he is pompous and overconfident.  He also has a bad habit of panicing when things aren't going his way.

Powers and abilities:

Biligual.  He can speak Breezish.

Unlike most pegasi, he is able to do a limited number of spells, most of them ice-centric.  He doesn't know why this is, but suspects that he might become an alicorn [spoilers: he won't].

Weakness:

He's afraid of the dark and zombies

Has a low tolerance for high temperatures.  He isn't sure if this is due to his magic powers or his time growing up in Breezia.

Backstory:

Orphaned before he was even a yearling, a group of Breezies found him with his half-dead mother.  She only lived long enough to say, "Please...take my son...Thunderflare...someplace...safe."  He was taken to Breezia, where the Queen took a shine to him and convinced her husband that they should adopt him.

 

I think that's enough information.

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Skygunner

Skygunner

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(edited)

Personally though. I think my character needs a lot more work.

I agree

 

 

 

Well,   I'd like to go over a little bit of formatting first.    It's fine to bring up points that you'd like to elaborate on, but only so often.   For instance in "personality"   the line  "Oh and did I tell that she also is a cyborg? (Will go over in OTHER)".  

I was then promptly looking for any sort of mention of her cyborg-ness,  but of course didn't' see it.  Pretty much not until you get down to Other,  her entire Bio,  no cyborg pony.  Did I really need to know "oh also cyborg?"   It doesn't really reflect whom she is? ..it's just an afterthought tacked on,  in both the description and that Q and  A section, but more on that later.

 

 

See what I did there, I'm telling you that I'll be returning to the point,  similar to way you've mentioned cyborg.    Only difference here is that it's not crucial data.....the rest of this critique will make perfect sense without me commenting on the cyborg bit, so it's ok to shove off until I'm ready to discuss it in full.  There are simply stronger points I'd like to go on about, that will stack with some of the issues with that. Moving on.

 

Contradictions!!!

She loves swimming but hates feeling cold.

She is "loyal to her friends"  but can't make them and avoids other ponies at all costs.

 

I know nothing about her personality now other than that it's immensely confusing,  and it'd probably just be easier to pass her up than try and have a conversation,  especially once she starting unloading all that emotional baggage.   You go through her entire life which is immensely confusing in its own right,  and she's somehow not suicidal?  For once on an OC it actually makes sense (suicide is like candy to OC backstories....along with fierce loyalty to friends, and aggressively defending them,  while still being a individuate loaner.  ) Point is,  this is not a likeable character.   It's painfully obvious why she has issues making friends just from this bit.....ignore the whole rest of her backstory,    Am I right in assuming that she is immensely awkward to talk too,?   Imagine having a conversation with a new person, and they just bail half way though.......that leaves a bad impression.

 

So her back story.  Uhhh, well,  I think you were going for a sort style. Like this is her memories,  or something and she can't remember them 100%.  Maybe?  I'm guessing that's what you were going for,  if not, then that tells you all you need to know about how it's formatted already.

 

So we get a little flyer who has a friend whom is a better flyer than her.  Ok, following it so far.

 

 

She never had time for friends, and never wanted them anyway.  .............w....why?  You say this,  yes, but....you don't explain it.   What happened with her upbringing that she didn't' want friends?  Did her mom strap her to a wall every night and beat her with a sack of carrots until she passed out, then developed Stockholm syndrome to the point where that was a more fulfilling social life?  Probably not,  but without explanation, I'm forced to substitute my own. 

 

 

A bully comes along.  And this pony, who doesn't care about others, social interactions,  or friends....thinks it's a good idea to beat the snot out of the bully?  Guess what,  she's a bully. She just beat another kid senseless, on a whim,  because she felt like it.  

 

 

A few days later, this pony that just wittnessed her pummple another child already loves her, and has melted her icy cold exterior into a friendship bond?  How old are these kids?  So after missing the point,  she exclaims she wants to be a wonder bolt.  THEN sees a sonic ranboom, and changes her goal to.....touching a rainbow?    What?   Ok,  why does the other kid love her already?  As stated above, she has very few likeable qualities. She's cold, antisocial,  and a bully....but just because she whailed on some kid,,,that's love?  Why does she change her mind so fast...and to such an intangible goal.  

 

So now she loses a race........and has another friend apparently. Who are these friends?  Is one the kid that "loves" her?  Whos the other one? And why does coming 4th place send her into a spiral depression. It's 4th place.  Is her ego so large that a single loss makes her suicidal?  Even Rainbow "Stroke my Ego" Dash would just grump around on a cloud.

 

And..in the Forrest she just happens to go into a cave....fine. I can buy a cave......but

 

Theres a spirit in the cave!!!!   What?  A spirit?  What do you mean spirit, and why is it a dick?

"A life filled with regret or a curse concluded with the unknown?"

 

UHHHH, what. I'm already lost,  but all these things just keep coming on. You are stacking it high and higher with these sorta ill-justified tropes in order to, I assume,  make the character...however it's not coming across like that.  Let's reiterate what shes comes across as so far.

 

Shes unlikeable

Shes antisocial

Shes a bully.

She has a love interest within a few days of meeting him

She has a enormous ego

She meets a spirit who punishes her for no apparent reason.

 

I'm fairly sure this is NOT what you want me to think at this point. But, from how it's written,  this is the picture I am left with.

 

Ok..recap over. Punished for landing in the spirits cave with a life full of regret...and whatever the other one means. What on earth does the other one mean?   I dunno,   curse concluding in the unknown?  So.....a curse where something bad will happen?  That's a little vague. 

 

In the end it doesn't matter, because the spirit "tricks" her.  That's not a trick, that's just lying.  The spirit is a jerk.

 

But apparently there was a secret 3rd option?  You foreshadow that the spirit did more.....but....no elaboration.  This is a profile,  not a fiction...if something happened,  its best to mention it, especially if it'll be showing up later.

 

Now she's 11.  And this is a few years after all the events prior.  11?  A few years?  so what,  up until now,  this all took place when she was......8 or 9?  less?  Where are her parents exactly?  Why didn't they follow her into the woods when she lost a competition that she'd have no comprehension of magnitude of?    Really, only 11?

 

 

She apparently is down to no friends in this,   having a fight with one "Some time ago" . Over what? Why?  When? Why would he re-friend her?  Where's the other friend at? 

 

And the first thing these reaffirmed friends do is go for a walk though the dangerous forest?  WHY. Why have they perpetually been going into this horridly dangerous forest. That,  mind you,  the last time she went in,  was cursed twice.   Some timberwolves just conveniently happen to show up and some how murder her friend, left her ok,   then left them alone so she could feel sad and hug him till he died.

 

What,  did she fight them off?  Aren't they Pegasus, why don't they just fly away.   How did he sacrifice himself for her?  Why didn't they kill her as well instead. Why didn't they finish killing him/eat him?   

 

So now she gets a few more things stacked on her already over encumbered list of flaws

 

She isn't that smart when it comes to personal safety

She got her friend killed

 

 

.And that's it. That's literally the end of her back story.  Done. All she wrote.

 

But wait,  what about being a cyborg? What about this curse?  Where were the parents of this 11 year old and why are they so bad at keeping her out of the forest of obvious danger?

 

"Oh Btw, she's a cyborg that is bent on killing celestia but was stopped by the elements of harmony."

 

I'm done.  I literally can not help you specifically fix this unless you realize how overdone this character is.  Her character truly is made of so many different kinds of tropes that do not mesh with each other.  I'm sorry,  but that is the simplest way I can put it. 

 

What i suggest to you,  is pick one.   One of these major themes and just stick to that.

 

Cyborg

Curses

Young Love/Tragic Death

 

One of those three.   Once you choose one,   then start to focus exactly on why the events happen.   So.....if you chose cyborg.  Explain why she became one, who did it,  etc.  Each of those themes is more than enough to fill multiple pages with back story and reasoning.

 

You may need to make more characters if there are other stories you want to tell.  Or possibly alternate universes. But putting so much "stuff" onto one character,  and not really justifying any of it just leads to a very confusing,  odd OC. 

 

Finally, Justify everything.  While I'm sure this makes a lot of sense in your head....it comes out as very confusing on paper.   Ever detail you can put down helps to clear it up,  hitting the major bullet points in a disconnected style doesn't help explain the character, it just leaves holes. 

 

 

 

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Foxx

Foxx

(edited)

These threads end in shitstorms but I'll give i'll give it a shot before it crashes and burns.

 

Have a Snowbound

I haven't really developed her personality yet, so just critique the design.

the_enchanted_pond_by_sparkdash-d7it2bg.Art by me, do not steal or recolor!

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  • 2 weeks later...
Skygunner

Skygunner

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Story here

Donkey is a donkey....thats sorta like a pony.

 

 

Well first off let's start off with a sorry. First for missing ya the first time, second for going on vacation before finishing. I'm sure the anticipation has been destroying your very soul......alas.

 

First thing that jumped out was names. We have twins...Sunburn and Erythema. Those names are pretty jarring together...actually had to look up what it meant. Definition in hand, there's a connection -it makes sense- but only by actually knowing what the word means.

 

Middle class family....but "unsettling air". Not sure what you mean by this.

 

So...backstory. Very brief....it makes sense, there's really not much to say of it, as there isn't much there. I would like to question how a bright reddsih orange donkey is good at hiding however.

 

Then suddenly society collapses? Kay? Donkey society? pony society? Bandits kill his, mom....dad kills the bandits....and the end result is moving away ? Ok..so, whatever is going on here, sounds like an actual story, and not a backstory. And it's a lot of stuff to just gloss over in a few phrases. So, for a characters backstory, I'd be looking for things like. "Why is this important."

 

It wasn't really established early on that he really loved his mom. She seemed like a nice mom for sure, he'd probably miss her...but I can't really gauge how much of an emotional blow this is to him. In a world where everything is dark, death, murder, survival becomes commonplace......things like that.....aren't as jarring. If anything, a moment of peace, like a picnic with his dad and sister...would be more mind bending than any sort of standard reality.

 

Ok, so society is still collapsing. At this point,you're really just telling me a backstory...not a character profile.

 

"his skills developed"

 

how, when, what happened. These are the little details I'm looking for. So, the mom being stabbed, is about the strongest bit of characterization you have here. That only needs a little bit of minor tweaking to become his life defining moment.

 

Why does he like carrying around the knife? Where did he learn to shoot the bow at? How old is his dad and why does his death in this collapsed society hold any significance for this donkey, whom is part of a unit like clan.

 

You have a good story going. It makes sense I'm sure to you. It'd probably be rather interesting to read. However, for explaining the actual character.....that's not this.

 

Take a look back at some of the other reviews I did and their profiles. The feed back really is different for each one, but in (most) all of them I can at least talk about the character, even if it not in the most positive light.

 

 

I wanna apologize again that this took so long to write. Life truly doesn't wait for many. I'll also try to make a sample profile now as well, for future reference. So do keep at him, it's an interesting story!

 

 

 

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Skygunner

Skygunner

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Hi, I'm not a very good writer and barely an artist. I started drawing less than a month ago so my art isn't that great yet. I don't really like to go into too much detail because I like the idea of my OCs being a growing thing. I want my drawings to "be" the story and therefore directly influence my character's personalities and traits. I imagine them pretty much like a blank piece of paper that is waiting to be filled. 

 

However, I need a little bit of help on her back story. Not exactly sure what it is, but it seems a little cheesy and off. Also I feel like it messes with the continuity and the lore of the show a bit too (although the show itself is terrible at that as well lol). I'm also concerned how genetics actually work in the MLP world. Is it possible to have offspring of all three types of ponies? What about the technology in Equestria? 

 

I would greatly appreciate your insight about all of this. Feel free to critique my design as well. I had a really hard time choosing the right colors and I'm still not sure if I will ultimately stick with  what I decided on. Thank you in advance. 

 

 

http://kawaiipony2.deviantart.com/art/Welcome-Ion-Spark-438744137

 

 

So....yeh.

 

Few things

 

 

 

There is a backstory here.......if i'm understanding correctly.

 

She is an inventor of sorts, inspired by seeing pinky pie. Earth pony in a Unicorn/Pegasus family...

 

and that's about it?

 

I mean......that is her. That sounds like a fine character, but I can't really leave much more feedback than that. Consider fleshing her out a little bit, not saying give a life story, but surely more than just seeing pinky pie has influenced her life.

 

 

She has those eye things...I have no idea what they are. Perhaps she is part robot, maybe she has eye parasites, or maybe she just always is standing near a heartbeat monitor and it keeps reflecting into her eyes. I dunno! That's something that can be explained. Other ponies reactions to it can be explained (just don't say that she's bullied for it...gag me with a cliche spoon)

 

Is she arrogant? Spiteful toward unicorns and pegasus? Jealousy is one emotion but others usually go along with it.

 

Extrodinary feats? What ones? what has she done and made to make her as she is. You -TELL- me she's done these things, but don't -SHOW- me what she's done. Be elaborating in places, you can make her into a fairly strong character.

 

 

I suggest looking around at a few of the other reviews here, get an idea of what a "back story" is, and how it can (or shouldn't) be constructed.

 

Best of luck! Sorry it took so long to get to ya!

 

 

 

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kawaiipony

kawaiipony

So....yeh.

 

Few things

 

 

 

There is a backstory here.......if i'm understanding correctly.

 

She is an inventor of sorts, inspired by seeing pinky pie. Earth pony in a Unicorn/Pegasus family...

 

and that's about it?

 

I mean......that is her. That sounds like a fine character, but I can't really leave much more feedback than that. Consider fleshing her out a little bit, not saying give a life story, but surely more than just seeing pinky pie has influenced her life.

 

 

She has those eye things...I have no idea what they are. Perhaps she is part robot, maybe she has eye parasites, or maybe she just always is standing near a heartbeat monitor and it keeps reflecting into her eyes. I dunno! That's something that can be explained. Other ponies reactions to it can be explained (just don't say that she's bullied for it...gag me with a cliche spoon)

 

Is she arrogant? Spiteful toward unicorns and pegasus? Jealousy is one emotion but others usually go along with it.

 

Extrodinary feats? What ones? what has she done and made to make her as she is. You -TELL- me she's done these things, but don't -SHOW- me what she's done. Be elaborating in places, you can make her into a fairly strong character.

 

 

I suggest looking around at a few of the other reviews here, get an idea of what a "back story" is, and how it can (or shouldn't) be constructed.

 

Best of luck! Sorry it took so long to get to ya!

 

 

 

Hi! Thanks for the review. When I made that picture I was an extremely new artist that was just really excited to make his first OC :P. I kinda reconstructed my OC from the ground up when I made a tumblr account for her. The back story looked really bad to me after thinking about it for a bit, so I decided to scrap the entire thing. 

 

I realized that my first OC was much more of a experiment for future projects. However she really grew on me when I started the tumblr and even started gaining some awesome fans! I even started a prologue series so I can get a proper back story for her. I'll admit that the main reason I started a tumblr was so I can practice my art and have a little fun while doing it at first. Now the blog is something entirely different. 

 

A lot of people had the same questions as you when I first started the blog. The answers to them can be found on my blog. I think it's really cool to have tons of interaction between your followers! It really adds to the RP element, and my OC grows into a stronger character with every update. Perhaps in the distant future, I'll have enough questions and updates so Ion could turn into a character I can be extremely proud of. 

 

Here is the link to Ion's tumblr if you want to check it out:

http://ask-ion-spark.tumblr.com/

 

Oh yeah the updates are slow since I'm still a beginner artist (about 4 months now!) but hopefully I'll get faster. I can definitely feel myself getting better after all this practice :P

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Skygunner

Skygunner

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i always love hearing what people have to say about my OC. 

 

here you go http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/fallen-star-r5043

Are you sure you love hearing what people have to say? Not everyone is nice....

 

 

 

Before we begin, I'd like you to do something for me. Suggesting you have 2 arms, just slurp those right up your sleeves and inside your shirt. Don't be shy, just....arms inside shirt. Guesssssssss what! A wing is a modified arm, so hiding wings in side a shirt is like trying to hide your own arms, in your own shirt! Only it's way worse!

 

Alicorn wings (like he has there) are actually quite large, so hold onto a dinner plate in each hand, and take a look in the mirror.

 

Little

 

Bit

 

Obvious.

 

 

 

This needs addressing. Because everything you've built up about this character is geared to everyone not knowing he is an alicorn. Which...brings me to my next point.

 

A splinter kingdom that is all about power....and having a son who is an alicorn...the most powerful pony type....is a bad thing?

 

why?

 

It's said that it's bad.....but not established.

 

 

Finally cannon integration. Is...rarity blackmailing him to work for her? I don't think she is, but that's sorta how it comes across.

"he has been employed by Rarity's Carousel Boutique( not willingly mind you"

 

He's an interesting idea, I actually have an OC with a similar concept. So maybe I'm a bit bias to this guy....but regardless. He just needs some fleshing out in areas...justifying WHY he has to hide.

 

 

  • Brohoof 1
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