Can someone critique this story?

[Astral Blitzen 469]

Sorry for any errors, this is a freewrite. 

 

 

 

She was in bed lying on her back staring at the large face of a clock on her ceiling that she had painted many years ago.

 

 

"Tell me a story, ya' bloody thing", she angrily whispered, "All you do is tell me about time! Is that all you do!", her whisper turning into a shout," Why not tell me a story, o-or hello, or something. I'm just so sick of you telling me time all the time!". She turned onto her side facing her night stand. She grabbed the digital clock that was on top it and held it up to her face, staring at it intently. The LCD display showing '12:00' flickered on and off.

 

 

"At least you tell me more... Than just about time", she cooed as if she was talking to a filly. She flicked the switch on the side of the radio. *static*, she fondled the tuning knob looking for a station *static*. The mare looked at the clock in shock and awe. Shaking and eyes watering she said in a eerily calm voice clenching her teeth," You... You traitor. Y-you *twitch*. Don't tell me your siding with...", she pointed at the painted clock, "With him". Her mood changed again quickly, her grimace quickly turning into a wide grin, and she hung her tongue out of her mouth stupidly and she shut off the radio.

 

 

"Awww... I'm sowwy, I didn't mean to get angry at you", she said fondling the volume and the tuning knob on the clock, "Now, I want you to tell me something that isn't about time. I'll give you one more chance", she said tilting her head at nearly ninety-degrees with her tongue still hanging out from her mouth, "otherwise, your TIME here will no longer exist *twitch*... Buck, that sucked."

She flicked the switch on the clock *static*, she carefully turned the tuning knob all the way to the left then all the way to the right. Everything was static.

 

 

"So, Mr. CLOCK, you are a *twitch* traitor, out to *twitch* kill me", she bared her teeth at the clock grasping it with both hooves. Now face to face with the traitor, she twisted her body and yanked the cord of the alarm clock out of the socket *snap*. The mare let out a maniacal laugh that reverberated throughout her room.

She literally hopped off her bed holding the clock above her head, as she sprinted toward a window on the other side of the room.

 

 

"NOW, NOWWW you are gonna *twitch* gonna, g-get it!", she yelled. She threw the alarm clock through the window. The window shattered and glass rained down in front of her. There was an audible thud a split second later as the clock hit the ground below.

Will anyone give their opinion?

[yayayayayala 1,668]

Gasp! I smell insanity! *snap*

 

The *twitch* was a little iffy thing...also, I read her voice in a sort of Irish accent. Maybe it's the time of year. XD! I think this is kind of interesting, though I don't get the tongue-hanging. Insanity, I suppose.

I enjoyed the last paragraph

 

Edit: Whisper-read the dialogue to myself; I actually really like it! It's an interesting concept - derp that, it's an EXTREMELYHIGHLYFASCINATINGLYINTERESTING concept!!! With a little cleaning up and some expansion later on, this would be really really awesome!

Edited March 21, 2014 by yayayayayala

[Astral Blitzen 469]

Gasp! I smell insanity! *snap*

 

The *twitch* was a little iffy thing...also, I read her voice in a sort of Irish accent. Maybe it's the time of year. XD! I think this is kind of interesting, though I don't get the tongue-hanging. Insanity, I suppose.

I enjoyed the last paragraph

 

Edit: Whisper-read the dialogue to myself; I actually really like it! It's an interesting concept - derp that, it's an EXTREMELYHIGHLYFASCINATINGLYINTERESTING concept!!! With a little cleaning up and some expansion later on, this would be really really awesome!

I will expand on it; think of this as more of a rough draft, also she has a German accent.

[Noire Panzer 3,526]

Enjoyed reading it and I have to agree with yaya's edit. Pretty much summed up what I thought for me 

[Rainbow Eclipse 3,926]

She was talking to... an alarm clock? And displaying emotions toward it?

 

I am at a loss for words.

[Astral Blitzen 469]

xD, thanks for the criticism!

[yayayayayala 1,668]

I will expand on it; think of this as more of a rough draft, also she has a German accent.

Oh, a German accent. Okay XD! Oh, and you're welcome for the critique!

Edited March 21, 2014 by yayayayayala