A Luna fanfiction I have started

[Macklin 88]

   I couldn't chose a single Prefix for this story but I would lean more towards Dark/Sad. The more I thought on Luna the more I have come to realize what a tragic character she is. I want to try to explore that with this fanfic though there are a couple of things I would like to state now:

 

  1. Yes, Winter Raven (My OC) is in this story, no he is not a love interest but more of a vehicle at times to explore certain story aspects.

  2. I repeat, this is not a romance between Luna and my OC. Not gonna happen, no way, uh uh.

  3. This story will go dark (not gory dark) at times as through out this story Luna will have to face an all new evil on her own as the guardian of the night and dreams. Haven't worked out all the details yet for him but my inspirations are coming from Babylonian sources at this time.

  4. I have grammar issues, I have taken college classes to fix them to no avail. Though the teachers in those classes love my characters, ideas, and plots. So I know my grammar needs work no need to repeat that. 

  

 With that out of the way I would like some feed back on Chapter 1, and please note this story starts the night after the episode "Luna Eclipsed".

 

 Thank you and I hope you enjoy!

 

 

Chapter 1

 

               Princess Luna let an evening wind carry her up above the scattered Canterlot clouds. The moon was beautiful tonight and its light gives her both joy and sorrow. A warm companion during her lonely vigil, the light of the moon also reminds her of the darker times, and all that time alone, screaming…

              

               She shakes her head, and tries to banish those memories. A task she finds to be easier tonight than it has been any night before. Last night was Nightmare night, the memories she made in Ponyville during the festivities help shield her from the more unpleasant thoughts.

               Friends, fun and frights.

The world has changed so much since she was gone but now, now she has less trepidation about it. Now there is hope that things will get better, that she can change and grow enough to make it in this brand new world.

 

               The alicorn princess looks to find a comfortable cloud with which to take a small reprieve and enjoy the view that Equestria has to offer. Finding one she takes a moment to settle, she can feel tension in her chest, tension she plans to let out with one good, cleansing breath. She breathes in…and the cloud disappears.

               It takes her a moment to realize that she is falling; it doesn’t make sense! The princess opens her wings and rights herself quick enough, turning back to face where she had been. She expects an enemy and instead finds a young wide eyed pegasus staring at her in horror.

               “Your Majesty! I am so, so, sorry! I didn’t see you there!” The pegasus would bow as best he could while remaining airborne.

 

               She watches him for a moment, and can see the trembling of his flanks which was hard for her to do with his coat being such a dark pastel blue set against the backdrop of the night sky. Aside from the dark pastel blue coat he had a dark blue mane and tail which had large white stripes mixed into them.

               Luna moves to be on the same level as the young stallion. “What is your name?”

               The stallion would raise his eyes momentarily to look up to her before looking down again; “My name is Winter Raven ma’am and I am so sorry it was an accident. I know I should have been paying more-“

               “It is alright….accidents…happen…” Luna interrupts him. In the old days she would have been handling this very differently but those days are gone and the present is a very different time. She must learn to be just as different, if she is to survive in it.

 

               The other pegasus would be looking at her oddly, like he is seeing something really weird or out of place. Looking around Luna doesn’t see anything that should illicit such a reaction so she asks; “What is it?”

               “Your voice…much less scary than normal.”

               The stallion apparently spoke before he thought for his eyes go wide and he covers his mouth.

               Luna chuckles; “We…I…have learned that the traditional royal voice may not be appropriate for every day conversation.”

               The stallion would go from looking scared and worried to looking fascinated. “You said I.”

               Luna finds herself to be confused; “Yes I did…what’s wrong with that?”

               Her irritation would be starting to build, as she turns away to move on with her evening he would say, “We to I is a huge fundamental shift! It’s just a massive change in perspective…in seeing the world and your place within it. What happened?”

               She pauses and looks back at him, an edge of anger in her voice. “That is not your concern!”

 

               Winter Raven looks sufficiently admonished; “I apologize Princess; sometimes I forget my place. My work is my passion and that passion can make me act out of line.”

               “Isn’t your work weather management?”

               “Oh no, that’s my job. My work is helping people by listening; sometimes by talking…my family has been doing it since forever and my grandmother taught me everything she says I would need to know.”

               “I don’t need any help.”

               Winter snorts as he moves to the next cloud and begins to work on it. “You and I both know that’s not true. I may not be the pony to help you I will admit but being away for a thousand years, coming back, everything different, almost everyone you knew gone…not even counting what is was like to be Nightmare Moon or to have that ripped away…you may not need me but you will need somepony.”

              

Luna thinks on his words and after a few moments have past and another cloud bursts she asks. “Why are you up here Winter?”

               “Clousdale wants the sky to be clear by morning.”

               “No I mean, why are you, yourself, up here?”

               “Oh…” The stallion shrugs, “I tend to like the quiet and peace. Night tends to be a much more enjoyable time and no one else likes to be up all night working.”

               “Why don’t you open up a business and make money helping people?”

               It seems that comment catches Winter off guard, “Because that would be wrong! And rather horrific if you ask me. My family has been helping ponies for a very long time and we never charge. That could lead to some pony not receiving help just because they don’t have extra bits to spare…”

               The stallion would shudder.

               “Have you helped many others?”

               Winter nods; “I’ve helped some for certain.”

               “How many is some? Who?”

               The stallion moves to the next cloud and starts giving it the old one-two punch; “I can’t say. Well I CAN say perhaps saying I choose not to say is a better option.”

               Luna moves so she can see him face to face again; “Why not?”

               “It’s there misfortune, none of my own. It ain’t right to talk about it to others.”

               Luna narrows her eyes at him; “I could order you to tell me.”

               The pegasus sighs; “Yes you could.”

               “At which point you will tell me.”

               Winter shakes his head.

               Luna snorts in mock anger and raises her voice; “Do you know what would happen if you disobeyed an order from your Princess!?”

               The young stallion would raise his head so that he was looking the Princess in the eye. Luna was a bit taken aback at how sad, how soulful those golden eyes of his are. “Only one way to find out your Highness.”

               There was no challenge, no push back in his words or stance. This isn’t a threat, just a simple statement of fact. Luna marveled at how one so young could maintain himself in such a manner in her presence. Not even the guards held their calm the moment she started to sound annoyed or angry.

               “Why would you be so stubborn?”

               “Because it’s the answer you’re looking for.”

               Luna blinks; “What do you mean?”

               “If this was about who I talked to, you would simply give the order. This is most likely about how far am I willing to go to keep a confidence and the answer is, as far as I can.”

               “Why would I be concerned about that?”

               “Because you want to talk to me, and you’re seeing if it is safe to.”

               “What allows you to make such an assumption?”

               “The fact that you are still here, talking to me, asking the same questions I am always asked by those who want help.” Winter Raven moves onto the next cloud and begins to work on dissipating it.

               “How dare you be so presumptuous!!” Now Luna is actually angry.

               “I make no presumptions Princess, I’m just going by what you are saying. Even if you aren’t hearing it for yourself.”

              

               Luna turns and takes off, leaving the pegasus and his words far behind her though his words seem to catch up to her quickly. She shakes her head to clear her thoughts, perhaps there were things she wanted to talk to someone about…

               When the moon enters her view her own faded echoing screams cry out to her, a memory, a horror that seems to want to cling to her.

               But what good would it do? What would it accomplish? Not to mention that he would honestly be too…low, is low the right word? To listen to such things. He may be good, and it isn’t a class thing but the burdens of a Princess shouldn’t just be given to anyone.

               There are certain burdens that a Princess must bear that would be too heavy for most. If this went wrong what would happen? How wrong would it go?

 

               Looking down Luna sees that she has apparently started a wide soft arc back in the direction of Canterlot. She seems to have made a decision that her forethoughts haven’t caught up to yet.

  I was debating starting another topic but seeing as it would be related to this anyhow I have decided to simply just post it in here as well. 

 I would like some feedback on the design and scope of the villain for this piece.

 I am sorry that the image is from Pony Generator, I can't draw and while it did not have all the options I would have preferred for my villain it is fairly close. I would have liked more raggedy clothing but aside from the clothing he is as I would expect him to be.

 Also included is a bit of history and some explanation on how he works, what he does, etc, etc.  

 So here is the villain "Aka".

 

 

 

A demon born in the early days of Saddle Arabia “Aka” as he now calls himself was a cruel creature that enslaved the ponies of the regions through dream subjugation. If they behaved they could sleep and dream as normal, if one were to step out of line then things would go bad. You risked never waking up again or even death though his victim’s would tell you that death would be a mercy.

 

Alas nothing lasts forever, and eventually the ruling family rose up and drove Aka back, stripped him of his strength but did not destroy him. Simple destruction would not be enough of a punishment for all that he has done.

So they allowed him to live but worked their magic in such a way that as long as the people saw them as the rulers of Saddle Arabia the population would be immune from Aka’s touch. So Aka waited and waited, even did his best in his weakened state to help foster notions of discontent and rebelling, yet nothing worked. It seemed that the demon was destined to roam Saddle Arabia eternally as a shade.

 

One night though Aka while drifting through the capital found something new, something wonderful. Something called Celestia was visiting and she brought an entourage with her, among that entourage was one stallion who had so little faith in himself, so little self-worth that Aka found he could crawl into that earth pony’s mind and hide.

He didn’t try to feed or ensnare the mind but simply hid in the shadows of thought and learned. Aka learned the language, of Equestria and its ways; it learned enough to know that it would have to be careful, crafty, and sure in its actions if it is to be able to withstand Princess Celestia.

Then the other Princess returned, the guardian of night, the one that some would whisper was…damaged goods. Princess Luna, and with that Aka knew he had his window of opportunity, if he could sway or consume the night princess then he would be in a much better position to deal with Celestia.

The truth of the matter is that Aka does not care about Equestria, it is only the means to an end. That end being the destruction of the ruling family of Saddle Arabia. They thought their petty minds figured out a way to prevent him from living in his home, prevent him from being with his people and from harming those who would oppose him?

Maybe in the short term they had been right but in the long term they will never be free of him and once the servant army of Equestria rains down upon his enemies in a desperate bid to barter sleep and safety for their young; everyone will learn a valuable lesson.

The road ahead would be long, and arduous and he has yet to overcome the first obstacle; Princess Luna guardian of the night and dreams.

 

 

 

Aka gains strength by trapping people in their own dreams and feeding off of them as they continue to dream absorbing some of their strength into himself. Magic from unicorns, agility, speed and maneuverability from pegasi, and strength as well as stamina from earth ponies.

There are two types of entrapment he can do, the soft hold which is more easily broken but only strengthens him with a minuscule amount (about 1/25^th the victim’s level) and enshrinement where he pulls someone from their dreams and entraps them in a jewel that he keeps close. A victim of enshrinement’s body will not die but stay a slumber as he drains much more of their ability from them (roughly ½)  though enshrinement is rarely used as it is much riskier for Aka to accomplish/

If someone who is entrapped manages to escape and wake up it does not affect Aka that much. If someone escapes enshrinement though it could be a fatal experience for the demon, though the only ways he knows of escaping is if the victim’s body dies or…the crystal is destroyed. The crystal being destroyed usually is such a shock to the victim’s spirit that they tend to die anyway.

No matter how strong he gets the bulk of his ability outside of the dreamscape come in the form of manipulation and illusion. Though other minor feats of magic become possible as he gets strong enough by trapping unicorns. He does not have the undefined magical power to do whatever like Discord, nor in a one on one all-out fight could he hope to stand against either of the Two Sisters but as he would say, he has his ways and means to get by.

In the dreamscape though once he strengthens up enough there can be no equal, but again that comes more from manipulation and tricking the dreamer into making what he wants “real” than actually being powerful himself. Once he crawls into a mind though he gains the ability to learn what they know usually by simply watching the memories and thoughts unfold from the inside.

[yayayayayala 1,668]

Interesting concept. One problem is that you seem to be switching tenses, going from past in the very beginning to present, and once going to future tense where it doesn't really fit. I advise picking one tense (either past or present, depending on which you're most comfortable working with) and staying with it (unless it's a flashback, at which point the tense can change).

 

 

 It seems that comment catches Winter off guard, “Because that would be wrong! And rather horrific if you ask me. My family has been helping ponies for a very long time and we never charge. That could lead to some pony not receiving help just because they don’t have extra bits to spare…”

               The stallion would shudder.

If I were to edit this sentence, it would come out to:

 

 

 

The comment catches Winter off guard. "Because that would be wrong! And rather horrific if you ask me. My family has been helping ponies for a very long time, and we never charge. That could lead to some pony not receiving help just because they don't have extra bits to spare..." The stallion shuddered.

 

I apologize for not asking permission to edit the bit; I just want to help you improve in your writing...being a frequent writer myself, I want you to have the opportunity to connect with readers and such, because that ability is wonderful! And I don't want any aspiring writer to miss out on that.

 

Why I took out the use of "it seems" is that the reader would interpret the use of "it seems" to mean that it isn't apparent that the comment caught Winter off guard. If that's what you're going for, then that's awesome, but if it isn't, then "it seems" doesn't have to be there.

And "the stallion would shudder" is that example of future tense that I referenced earlier. It kind of halted me as I read, because it was out of place.

 

(I hope that was clear, and didn't sound rude! ^^

 

Aside from the minor bumps, I'm interested to see where you take this story with that villain, Aka...I love his backstory! I also really like that bit about "damaged goods"; that's an inventive, creative way of describing Luna to a demon that I have never seen before, and I want to see where you'll go with this story!