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Fluttershy4life

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Blog Entries posted by Fluttershy4life

  1. Fluttershy4life
    Oh no! The title isn't a song lyric! Whatever are we gonna do?
    Well my blog, my rules and since today is the third month, third day (and i was born during the third hour and i'm the third child) aka my birthday I'm breaking my own rules.
    So today I am officially 16 years old, old enough to start driving, and legally have sex in my country. Like every birthday I don't feel any different or older and the fact that I'm 16 hasn't clicked in. I don't know why but it feels so much older to be 16 rather than 15, it's only two years off from being an adult. It's frightening to be honest.
    I had a pretty awesome birthday, one group of my friends held a small get together for me at Starbucks which was really sweet of them and then my parents allowed some of my friends from my other group of friends sleepover. My parents also surprised me this morning with flowers, a card and a giftcard to Chapters which i really appreciate.
    Today is going to be a fairly chill day, my birthday plans? Hang at home, download some new songs, treat myself to the episodes of Girls Und Panzer I haven't watched yet, and perhaps have Subway for dinner with my parents. I'm pretty humble with my birthday, i mean everything that everyone's done for me has blown me away completely and i am extremely lucky to have amazing people in my life. So i guess this is too my friends and family, thank you for everything you've done for me. I love you all so much and i am truly blessed.
  2. Fluttershy4life
    ARM YOURSELF BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE HERE WILL SAVE YOUUUU
    Yeah, I am kind of a fanatic of the music used in the James Bond movies (Quantum of Solace's theme was horrible...but the rejected them was amazing just saying.) Plus James Bond is kind of a hottie...I don't know what it is about a guy with a gun...
    So anyways...my life..
    It seems like every night, I have some sort of mental breakdown or I'm on the top of the world. It's what reactive depression is all about, ups and downs. I am too much for a lot of people to handle. even my parents don't understand me, or my math teacher. On the ADD questionnaire he had to fill out for me he said yes to "mood changes quickly or drastically" Which is very true, I don't even know how it goes. It usually happens when I think. My mind tells me great things that work me up than there is always some sort of demon that pushes me back down so within two minutes even without anything happening at all I can become a total happy go lucky freak to a complete emo monotone person. at home i'm usually pretty monotone for a lot of things, which at school I am nothing at all like. To be honest, I'm nothing but a train wreck. I don't understand myself at all, and I'm still trying to discover who I am. To be honest I don't know who I am. am i this happy go lucky human being? Or am I the quiet, i don't care, everything sucks human? Or am i the overemotional everything is against me let's spam text my ex boyfriend girl? I don't know who I am. None of them seem like me.
    The only time I really do feel like me is when I'm well dancing, but that's only because I get to escape who I am for just a little bit. All of the things that are eating me away inside are gone, all the people that are driving me to the point of breaking (one psych i've had said I am very passionate, but another says I am very resentful..logic.), any sort of drama, anything at all that may be bugging me is gone. I become a character. Someone who is mentally stable sometimes, sometimes I become someone who is completely back-crack crazy (one dance I made to the song Paper Heart is about being heart broken to the point they are in the asylum, I actually have a lot of fun with that one. Another to the song Killing Time is about woman accidentally killing her husband) no matter who I act as none of them are me. I have never acted as myself in any of my dances but that is the best part. I'm not me anymore, and it feels amazing.
    Lastly, I am allowing one human being control my life, someone I cared way to much for and somewhere in my head I thought he would always be there but he wasn't. and now he is the demon in my head breaking my down. He is everything still too me. And I know that it is killing me. I have a bad feeling I won't make it past this year, and it disappoints me greatly that I became such a wuss where I am allowing one human. One. Single. Human. Being. Control everything I am. Allowing him to decide whether or not I live, but it's not really that way anymore. I am getting almost physically sick from this. It's horrible. It's painful. yet I don't mind dying at all. I am sick of waiting for things to get better, and waiting for me to discover myself I have tried so hard. Too hard.
     
    ......Great way to start my new blog on here. But i guess it was the purpose I made this blog. To rant.
  3. Fluttershy4life
    I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD 'AY, I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD 'AY WAITING ON THIS FOR A WHILE NOW So I think I will start every single blog post I have with some sort of song lyric/reference. It's just the way I role. And it makes off to meet better friends, this one guy and I have the EXACT same taste of music and I think him and I will become the really close friends. He keeps on sending me links to songs that I already adore extremely. It's actually pretty exciting that whenever I show him a song he likes it or knows it and I like/know the songs he shows me. He's like my music buddy
    Anyways, the reason why I'm posting this is because the devil is gone. He told me he hates me, and I honestly don't care at all...I'm actually so happy I don't know how to even react...i finally feel awake. Like that demon just left my life and maybe just maybe i will be okay again. Life will go back to the way it was, where I was just living for the day and didn't care about anyone else.
    Usually when someone tells me that they hate me, I would care. But I guess in this case.. I just didn't care at all. Actually, after he did that I was playing hopscotch on the coloured tiles at my work and having fun with my fellow coworkers. It was actually probably the most fun work nights I've ever had. I got to know some other girls that normally I didn't really hang with that much, but turns out they're actually really fun people.
    Not only that, I guess I've learned to start thinking for myself and not about him. My thoughts are actually starting to become more creative I guess you can call it again. I am starting to feel ambitious of things again, I'm beginning to look forward to things again and I don't know life seems to have opened it's doors again. A cappella is starting again at school, i may be able to play violin for music class, i think i've found some of the greatest best friends I have ever met in my life all for which I love and adore, I have plans to get into an amazing school, the classes I have this semester are all my favorites, we may be going back to Florida this year, my best friend in the entire world and I go to the library weekly and get new books to read...I just don't know how to explain this. I feel finally awoken. Like I'm back. this is who I was before he came into my life. Perhaps I'm just at a high because of my reactive depression but maybe not. The resilience I'm feeling...it's just so amazing.
     
    P.S. that picture of me was taken in December, wearing my ridiculous a Capella shirt
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