Dunno who I am trying to fool Here as I haven't really changed much at all from those times I just threw my old mask in the trashcan and made a new one like I've always done.
Hiding behind something else because I'm too afraid to come out. Trying to act tough or caring when in reality I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of this world and people in it I've always been scared and i thought these days i been able to move on but now I see that I been lying to myself and everyone else.
I haven't been able to move anywhere I'm still in the same spot I was in when I joined here and even before that.
What has happened is that I have been able to figure out what is going on with me. And the truth of the matter is that I'm scared but I haven't been able to accept that as I bottled up my feelings and emotions trying to get rid of them. I was running away. I couldn't face myself or my own issues. I couldn't face my fear of everything.
I don't know what direction I will end up from now on and I don't really care what I do care about right now is that I have been able to feel more at ease by writing this
For most of my life, I've been keeping things to myself. I was always afraid of what others would think of me from my previous experiences. I don't want anypony to think of me in a bad way. That's why I've been keeping my secrets to myself. And that's what I think makes me so unlikable. I just don't want anypony to think badly of me.
At the same time, I feel like I'm hoping for something that will never happen. And feeling hopeless and full of despair is just a slower way of being dead. Right now, after I returned to the forums, my mind is stuck in a debate if it is worth living anymore or to just end it all. The confusion scares me. The ponies I have met are here so nice, yet the outside world is horrible...
When I don't know which way to turn, slowly I fall. I was actually afraid of having friends again, and I didn't expect ponies to even get to know me that well. I didn't even think they would acknowledge me. I didn't even think I would get noticed. I didn't even think I would be visible to them in the forums.
This is because I am extremely paranoid of my last experience with having friends, because they betrayed me. That's why I am so nervous and socially awkward around new ponies. I'm actually scared of making friends, because I don't want to lose another one. The feeling is unbearable of not being good enough for them. I remember my stomach dropped, a huge headache kicked in as so many thoughts rushed through my mind, and my heart was broken for days. It's sad how they claimed to love and care for me, and yet they replaced me so quickly. I was forgotten.
I gave up on almost everything, from school and work to Xbox and drawing, and life itself. I was broken. I was scared of how much pain I would cause others. "Didn't they like me? Was I not nice to them? Did I do anything mean?" So many thoughts rushed through my head for the last 5 years. I had no friends for the longest time. No one to talk to. No one to understand me. No one to be there for me.
I am liked by other ponies here, and for some reason, I still don't know why they would care for me. Am I really that likeable? Am I really caring? I don't know. But what I do know, is that I am so grateful for their kindness, and that's something I would never forget.
Most of my life I had been In a state of confusion, despair, fear and trauma. Hopeless, but hoping.
Sometimes life can be confusing. I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.
So, this story took place back in high school of my Sophmore year. I did my daily morning routine as usual. I wake up in the morning, eat breakfast, watch a youtube video, get my clothes on ( even though I already took a shower at night time ), go to the bus and get on, and just enjoy the ride to school! When I got off the school bus. My very first class in the morning is P.E ( aka Physical Education ), It's a gym class actually. I went through the doors. I then took a right turn leading into the gym hallways, took another right turn when I got down to the Basketball court area and then went up the 2 flights of stairs to the upper gym to get into the gym. Now, how the layout of the gym was set up is that their is wooden benches from the bottom of the gym to the top of the gym. Their is also steps that are made of some kind of smooth stone in each middle row of the benches from top to bottom. In the middle, is a basket ball court. Which is pretty cool to have! In the middle their is a corridor leading to the gym hallways at the bottom. Now, I know I should've taken the easier way to the gym, but the thing is that they have a gate that closes the way to the gym. Their is also 4 door ways leading to different areas in each upper corner of the gym. 2 of them lead to the cafeteria on one side of the wall. the other side of the gym is another one that leads to the pool area of the gym, but in the hallways. The one I came out of is from the basketball court hallway area. So, when I first entered the gym. I saw a freshmen female walk up to a group of guy's that were walking a few feet ahead of me and asked them "Do you guys have any change?". The group of guys then said "No, we don't" and after they answered her question. She then went towards me to ask the same question. After, she asked me the question. I then asked her myself saying "Why are you asking me if I have change?". She then said "Because I want to buy a soda". I then told her "I don't have any money with me right now, sorry" ( Now, I did have money with me at the time, but it was not enough to buy a soda drink. I know it sounded like I lied to her, but it was because I didn't know what to say to her at the and I was also tired as well and i'm still waking up. I'm a very honest person and I never lie, but only very rarely ). After, our little awkward conversation. I then went down the steps to put my stuff down and went to go hangout with my friends in the school's halls. As I was walking up the steps, I saw that she went around the gym asking people the same question as well. AS soon as I walked out of the gym doors to the cafeteria. I told myself that ( I don't think that's a good idea to go around asking random strangers for money to buy a soda and it's also the first week of school that started as well ). The second week of school started and at the time. 1st period was being let out for passing period before 2nd period starts. Now, for passing period. We get only 10 minutes to go to our lockers and go to our next class. At the time. I was in the freshmen center, because one of my homeroom classes I have next is Basic Math. I was getting a soda at the time. when I was waiting in line to be next for the soda machine and when it was my turn to get one. I got out my wallet and as soon as I did that. The same girl from last week, came around the corner and asked me the same question. Now I was tired at the moment and didn't care about anything for a sec. Also, their were 4-7 freshmen behind me waiting and they saw how awkward the situation was. So, I gave a $1 bill and told myself ( Here is $1 to get off my tail ). After, I gave her the $1 bill. She went back around the corner where she came from and after I saw that. I told myself ( The soda machine is right here and not around the corner ). So, I bought my soda and went to my next period class. I did see her in the halls sometimes around the school, but the good thing is she never asked me again. Now, im wondering if she got into trouble for asking random strangers who she doesn't know and are not her friends. I also think the reason why I gave her a $1 bill is, because I didn't want to be mean or rude to her about it. So, I was nice to her at least.
Moral of the story: Do not give people you don't know or who are not your friend money, because you don't know what they will do with it instead.
I hope you Ladies and Gentlecolts enjoyed this story! Have a good day or night! May your favorite pony visit you in your dreams!
... I HATE this feeling.
As many times as I've seen others here wallow in sadness & misery, I think it might be okay to vent here for a bit; not like I'm saying or doing anything original with this, after all.
And, before I begin, this is NOT a cry for attention, a self-harm warning OR any kind of declaration of 'leaving' these wonderful forums... so no worries, fellow Ponyites - I just need me some good ol' fashioned whine-time.
USELESS. WORTHLESS. SHAME. ANGER. DESPAIR. LOSS. AGONY. TEARS. PAIN.
... suffering daily has become more of a norm for me this past month than I'm comfortable with.
Sure, I have my moments - we all do - but this moment has stretched out for over a month now, and I am SO sick & tired of it. I feel it creep up on me in the morning, sideswipe me in the afternoon, and unexpectedly slap me across the face in the evening; that's not even mentioning the occasional sucker-punch that comes at random during the course of my waking hours.
WHY am I so upset? I won't relate that publicly; those who I've told know, those who I haven't... well, they probably shouldn't know, and it's not something I'd find appropriate to mention during this holiday season. I do believe in merriment for the holidays... which is why I'm just not going to say it here.
But the sheer weight of my hurting has reached the level where I have actually found it necessary to blog about it - and speaking about your pain without naming it... well, it's HARD.
WHY do I keep finding all these rocks of pain in the shoes of my existence? Can't I simply forge ahead & pretend it doesn't even exist? I mean, you see folks do it all the time on TV, in movies and books, in those crappy little self-help books - so why is it so fucking difficult for ME to actually accomplish?
Not only that, but my music... my sweet, sweet music...
Even THAT hurts me now, with certain tunes I used to tell myself I'd never truly understand. Music has been an ENORMOUS part of my life for such a long, long time - since I was old enough to remember - and now it feels as though even my fantasy-escape into music can't help me for long; it always comes back to THOSE songs... and I now understand & feel them more than I ever thought possible.
And it SUCKS ASS.
Every moment, I have been blasted with my sorrow... which occasionally becomes anger, or hate, or spite, or even outright rage... and it feels as though it will NEVER end.
Now, I know I won't feel like this forever. I am well aware that I'm simply hurting, and with time & patience, the pain will lessen, become more manageable, and be just another thing I sigh over when I'm by myself. I'm not going to end my life just because I feel bad right now - that's not only a foolish thing to do, but it also snuffs out any hope, or change, or growth that I might gain from it all.
And far be it for me to gush on & on about how 'no one understands' or 'nobody loves me' - I KNOW folks DO care, and to say those things makes a mockery of the affection & concern they've shown me... so there's no reason for me to claim that I'm unloved. I know folks care - it just doesn't stop the pain, sometimes.
Maybe THAT is why I'm venting here: I feel PAIN, and even after talking with others, it just needs to be somewhere besides my own noggin... so, my thought? If I pour it out onto something else, I can lessen its' impact on my brain, heart & soul - which, in turn, will allow me to heal just a bit more, a bit further, a bit quicker than if I didn't say a single word.
PAIN SUCKS. I have always disliked pain; pain of loved ones, pain of others, pain of self. Pain, though a necessary part of living, takes so many forms, it would be ludicrous to attempt to list out every example, and stupid of me to think of trying to... there's not enough space on the Internet to hold a list of every pain that can possibly be; it's too much.
As human beings, we have a number of options as to how to not only deal with pain, but LIVE with it. Distractions such as zombifying medications, topical books written by smug-looking 'gurus', errant shock comedy, illicit substances and the ever-spinning train of alcoholism are just a few of the ways folks can make the pain lessen... but the grand idea of making pain obsolete is a lie, a sham and an outright fib, all rolled into one.
DEALING WITH YOUR OWN PAIN IS NECESSARY TO GROW.
I feel like I have to tell folks this fact all the damned time... and a number of them not only don't get it, but they REFUSE to; they would rather fall back into the habit of seeking attention than to face their pain & understand it. And when people understand their pain better, they don't suffer as much & learn to get through the brunt of it more efficiently & quickly. It's not a catch-all cure - it's just a part of being mature enough to accept that there WILL be pain... but you don't have to FALL to it.
Pain hurts. Hurts so bad I sometimes wonder if it will EVER end. But I know that it won't be this difficult everyday... and someday, hopefully soon, I'll get through the worst of it, and it will simply be a scar on my heart. An UGLY scar, perhaps...
But a scar is a mass of healing... and it means my soul won't bleed forever.
I'll be okay... eventually... so don't cry for me; I'm doing enough of that on my own. And each tear I shed washes away at least a tiny portion of pain from me, so tears are okay.
... thank you, one and all, for your time, your concern, and your love.
Have you ever experience something that is supposed to be not real, but is real? Well, Ladies and Gentlecolts. I'm gonna tell you a scary and horrifying experience I've been through. Back then, when I was in 4th grade in elementary school. I was living in a church apartment at the time, before I moved into a bigger house. The events started happening one night, when I had to use the restroom before I went to sleep. Half way down the hall of the apartment. I had a instinct to stop before passing the living room area and to turn around. It was not the feeling of being watched, but an instinct somehow kicked in. When I turned around. I saw 2 glowing white eyes peaking out through the door it cracked opened. After, seeing for a split second. It closed the door to the heater room. I next went to go wake up my dad, that sleeping on the couch in the living room and told him what I saw. We went down the hall to the small heater room and when we opened the door. The creature wasn't their anymore. It's like it vanished into thin air in order to get not spotted. After my dad checked. He said that he didn't see anything. I could've sworn I saw something and I seen what I've seen. 3 months later, I had a Spider-Man toy standing on top of my tv. I was watching tv at the time in my bedroom and when I got up. I saw that their was a liquid small water puddle underneath the toy was standing on. The weird part is that it came from his lower half of his body. The good thin is that I've noticed that, because it would've gone through the cracks of the tv. I went to go get my dad about it and he thought that it was odd and weird as well. So, we cleaned up the water puddle and put the Spider-Man toy back in my toy box and never sat it on my tv again. In the summer time, when church ended. I went up stairs to hangout in the apartment, but I've got that instinct again. I stopped on the 2nd flight of stairs leading to my apartment with the door wide opened. Nobody broke in, because we have the bottom staircase locked. So that way any children can't go up stairs. When, I stood their for a second. I heard someone breathing very heavy. The sound of someone getting angry kind of breathing. After hearing the first heavy breathing. I rushed down the stairs so quick. That the breathing got louder and louder, until I hit the bottom and it stopped. I went to one of the church people and told him about it. He then said "that was the angel spirits!". I was like "What?" and I told myself that ( it didn't sound very happy at all. ). A few weeks later. We went to the hospital at night to see our paster, because he was suffering from a heart attack ( He's a big guy in a electric wheelchair ). The very nice last thing he did for before he past away is. He gave us his house for free, which is very nice, kind, and generous of him. So, we packed our things at the church and moved into the paster's house. After that, I didn't have any paranormal problems until later on down the road. I'm glad I moved out of the church and i'm glad I survived a paranormal stealth attack.
Moral of the Story: Demons are real, but they rarely make a appearance in our lives. They are to be taken serious and they are very dangerous on many levels. So, it's best to stay away from the paranormal and beyond the contacts of it. The paranormal is no laughing matter.
I hope you ladies and gentlecolts enjoyed this scary story I've told. I've got more stories that are non-scary later on. Everypony, have a nice day or night! May your favorite pony visit you in your dreams!
Well, once again I find myself copying somebody else's idea for a blog post. Seriously what is wrong with me? Well, I'll tell you what's wrong with me, from the top.
I was born out of a high risk pregnancy. My mother had a congenital defect in one of her heart valves, and it nearly caused both of us to die, from what I heard. That's why I was born in a Seattle hospital. Both of my siblings were born in Renton, Washington, because they were far more normal. I hear that I was also born a couple of weeks premature.
I was apparently initially a relatively normal child. I hear that I was very interested with helping my dad out with stuff. Now I have a hard time believing this, considering the cynical, useless piece of human waste I have become. Seriously, what do I even do for anyone anymore? Sure I occasionally help other people, but most of the time my anxiety and my lack of empathy get in the way. Or of course my pre-occupation with video games and the like.
I was initially considered to be mentally retarded, because I literally never spoke. I initially thought I didn't get into kindergarten because I couldn't tie my own shoes, but this reason makes more sense. I'll admit, they were initially not too far from wrong. My intelligence didn't really blossom until around 4th grade or so. All I had to say for myself until that point was being the first kid done with their multiplication charts... But also I was the only kid to wet myself in the middle of class because I was scared of my uncomfortable surroundings. Also, I was in special education classes, and my reading level was WAY below average. To the point where I was in a kindergarten class for part of the day. Dang I used to be an idiot. In a way I still kind of am...
I finally learned how to learn how to tie my own shoes at the age of 10 and I finally somehow stopped wetting myself around the age of 14... I also finally learned to double-knot around the age of 14 also, but even then I was bullied for single-knotting more than enough by that time to realize I was years behind the curve... My handwriting was abysmal to the point of people being unable to read it... I worked on it for years and it's still yet to get past the neatness of your average fifth grader... Then I gave up on that, because I asked myself this question: What's the use in trying? I can't write like a normal person, so why should I make the attempt to? Seriously, it's a complete waste of time.
Now as an adult, I deal with nearly constant emotional problems. I have silent anxiety attacks (yes, they do exist) at least once every other day, I spend most of my days hiding my depression from myself and everyone else, and I try to tame my, what I consider, manic outbursts. My dad and my grandma used to say I bounced off the wall as a kid sometimes it was so bad. I also had issues with anger that I tried to hide (but failed to a degree), and my anxiety about relationships of the sexual and romantic varieties. Seriously, it's bad. I'm not going into depth HOW bad, but let's just say that it's made me think I'm a disgusting creep for reasons that I can't really discuss in depth because it may break forum rules.
I also deal with the constant issue of being disappointed with what I see in the mirror everyday. Between the eyebrows marred by my anxiety, my uncomfortable and emasculating facial hair that I frequently forget to shave for days on end, all of my body hair, this bulging thing coming through my neck... Now I realized that my legs aren't even. Gosh dang it I'm an ugly mess.
Now that I've worried about my anxiety and depression, I've become aware that my problems may be attributed to Asperger's Syndrome and potentially Cyclothymia and even possibly ADD. Combine that with Gender Dysphoria and you get a freak with no life and little purpose other than to maybe develop a tabletop game, that may not even ever come out if things go wrong.
I feel like there's more to add here, but I'm just not able to think of it right now... I got too wound up seeing a guy play K Rool like a boss in a YouTube video about how stupid he is in Smash Ultimate, and too occupied thinking about how worthless I've been. Luckily I'm not thinking about suicide anymore, but I'm still tormented by thoughts about me being a waste. Also I can't count, because I thought this was the fifth "Cry for Help" when it was only the fourth. Seriously, why?
There has never been a moment in my life where I haven't struggled with something. From almost being a miscarriage as a baby and having to deal with things such as Autism and various other mental illnesses, in addition to many physical issues. Granted I'm not complaining about my life, given that there are many other unfortunate individuals who live in a considerably worse state than I do. What I'm trying to say, is there's a lot about me. However, I sometimes feel that there isn't much about me worth knowing.
I've brought up the fact that I don't have a personality and while I do agree that I indeed have one, I feel that people aren't interested in it. I'm always just on the sidelines, left out. Nobody knows if I'm not there, nobody cares. I don't know why this is. I've opened myself up quite a bit, let my heart out, only to be forgotten and left out.
To quote myself, 'I'm the geeky kid who likes Video Games'. I know there's nothing wrong with that, but I get the impression that I'm not interesting enough to others. I guess these thoughts relate to my recent feelings. I feel empty. It doesn't matter how much I try or how much I pour my heart out to do something, it just leads to disappointment. A hollow victory, if you will. Either it's blatantly ignored or not fully seen, leaving me with the impression that I wasted so much of my time, only to not recieve a second glance. This has lead me to be rather emotionally drained. I haven't cried in two and a half months, which is my longest yet.
On this forum, I can find something unique and distinguishable about every single active user...except myself. What sets me apart from others in the online world? Nothing really. It's more difficult to convey a personality online than in real life. At least in real life, I'm a strange balance between quiet and withdrawn, and silly and over the top. I know there's more in here, but I'm not sure where it is and what it is.
Well... That schedule did not work at all... I tdon'tthink I can ever follow one. Soo, sorry guys but everything has to be random. (to those imaginary people who read this)
Today we had a fire at my school. Nobody really knows what happened but everything smells like smoke and we couldn't leave till 20 minutes after school ended! We couldn't even go inside to get our stuff.And it's FRIDAY ! Hopefully everyone's okay.
It was the first actual fire that I've ever had at one of my schools.
Also: my dad treats me like and idiot, what do I do??
Is your own awareness of your existence the force that enables us to exist in the first place? So would you disappear if you would destroy your own awareness of your existence and everything that is related to that. So basically if you take away everything that enables you to justify your own existence do you exist at all?
I think that its true at least to the limits of this world. you know what that state is being called? its death
What i think is that to be able to be unaware of your existence you have to exist to justify being unaware of it. So what i am saying is that these bodies are just puppets that we experience our existence with. if the puppets strings are cut it "dies" so when you die you cannot experience the individuality of this existence through the body anymore. But there has to be someone pulling the strings there and you know who that is right? that is basically the God which is basically another version of yourself.
You yourself are only one fragment of a larger collective existence that is currently experiencing all the lives of every human that lives or has lived every fragment is fooled into thinking that it is an individual entity from the whole, when basically everything that exists is the same. in the end There is only one thing that exists ánd that is you.
So what is the goal of all this nonsense the goal is for you to become an individual within this non individualistic collective system of existences and basically absorb everything that is into yourself and with that become your own collective entity while still staying a part of the original entity. Sort of like this
I feel so empty. Yet full of emotion. Like the smallest thing could push me over the edge.
What are you supposed to when there's nothing but pain left inside you?
What if everything we were looking for only existed in our dreams?
How do you explain something, when you can't even understand yourself?
It's almost scary, isn't it? The way that sadness doesn't only settle in your body, but the way it completely takes over every part of you.
The fact that, even when you're happy, that sadness is still there, lurking throughout your body, just waiting to show itself yet again.
I don't know to tell you that I'm broken, without feeling needy or selfish.
I don't know how to open up, without feeling judged.
I don't know how to cry, when my tears feel like acid.
I just need you to see that I'm hurting, without me telling you. My words are bleeding out, waiting for you to make me fine although I know that's not your job, and that you're better off without me.
As most of you already know, I've shown evidence of my personal struggle. Though, I have been thinking over things quite a bit recently. Why do I keep going on when all I meet in the end is disappointment. Hell, it's even a chore to get up in the morning. To be clear, this isn't a suicidal post or anything like that. I am completely past that. I just feel that I need to have some kind of break from everything for awhile. Just to clear my head of everything.
I have been thinking of this for awhile now, but I am still unsure if I should just take a break from the internet or just everything in general. I have a few weeks after this semester to do mostly nothing and I may as well take that time to recharge myself. I know I am not the only one who feels this way, but I know a lot of people don't like talking about their problems for fear of being viewed as inept by their peers. I disagree, I think we should all discuss what we have on our minds and talk to one another on ways to solve the problems. I am still looking for a purpose in my life to be happy about. Sure, I have sparingly happy moments, but I wouldn't say I am truly happy.
I would also say that I have sort of addictive personality. I have recently been trying to stop my spending on things that I really do not need, but it has been quite hard. I'm quite an impulsive buyer, so if I see something that peaks my interest, I usually go for it. I know this will get me in trouble in the future and I've been thinking of ways to stop this feeling. I don't know what a drug addiction feels like, but I feel it would be somewhat similar. You want to do this thing because your brain will give you a huge boost in dopamine due to satisfying your craving. I guess in my current mental state, finding anything that will give me that boost in my mood is crucial. Yes, I know I need to find different ways to entertain myself and not something as destructive as compulsive spending.
The next thing I wanted to address is my anxiety on time. What do I mean by this? What I mean is that I have had fears of deadlines in school. I've been fearing what will happen to me if I just be lazy and don't do what I am supposed to do. Yes, I know I need to do the things that I'm told to do, but I have just recently been feeling increasingly apathetic towards doing it. Why is that? It is because I am scared of the outcome if I fail or don't meet the expectations on my instructors. I know some of you would laugh at the idea of that, but for me it is a real fear of mine. I have a deathly fear of failing to the point where I sometimes don't try things because I am afraid that I will fail at it. I know that failure is a pathway to success, but the feeling of failure is just crippling to someone like me. I think I need to find ways to circumvent my fear though. I don't know how, but maybe some of you can give some pointers.
Another thing is about political climate of the world. I have recently gotten quite involved into politics and it has even furthered my depression. Since most things with politics have to do with corruption, it just depresses that is the state of the world. Sure, I know the world isn't perfect, but as they say "ignorance is bliss". That is damn correct, somethings are just better left unknown because of how deplorable they are. I myself vehemently oppose the awful spending of the US government which has lead to our enormous deficit. I also oppose the states and federal government involvement in everything. I feel more things should be privatized and that the government shouldn't give free handouts to people. This is because these people will learn to rely on these handouts and will never get back in to the workforce to be a productive member of society. This hits close to home since my own mother is one of these people, so I have hands on experience with how this affects people. This is why I appose socialist ideals like the ones Bernie Sanders keeps on parading about. They sound amazing in concept, but they are based on idealism and not on reality. That is why most communistic or socialist countries have failed and will continue to fail. Just look at how Venezuela is. They can't even feed their own people because of their socialist dictator. That is also one of the reasons that they are the country with the highest inflation rates of any country.
Anyways, that concludes my rant. I just really needed to let loose somewhere on what I have had pent up inside of me for the longest time. I thank all of you for reading my blog post. Yes, I know there are people who don't agree with my political views and I'm completely okay with that. I also wrote all of this at 2am at the brink of exhaustion, so their might be some glaring mistakes in this rant. Thanks once again for reading this if you have.
Assertion: Irrational numbers have decimal digits that do not repeat, nor do they have a pattern of digits that repeat.
An irrational number cannot be expressed as the ratio of two integers.
Proof by contradiction. Assume that the irrational number does have a repeating pattern of decimals.
First, consider an assumed irrational number x = a1a2•••am . am+1•••am+l•••x1x2•••xn•••x1x2•••xn•••
Where the digits a1a2•••am are the part of the number greater than one. Note the decimal point. The digits am+1•••am+l are a possible sequence of digits after the decimal that precede the repeating pattern. We will first show that we can eliminate these non repeating digits.
Multiply the number by 10m+l which gives
10m+l x = a1a2•••amam+1•••am+l . x1x2•••xn•••x1x2•••xn•••
= y + 0.x1x2•••xn•••x1x2•••xn•••
Where y is some whole number. We can rearrange
10m+l x - y = 0.x1x2•••xn•••x1x2•••xn•••
At this point we have reduced the problem to an assumed set of repeating decimals. We see that m or l could be 0, making for a simpler problem. Continuing, multiply by 10n
10n (10m+l x - y) = 10n 0.x1x2•••xn•••x1x2•••xn•••
= w + 0.x1x2•••xn•••
10m+l+n x - 10n y - w = 10lx - a1a2•••amam+1•••am+l
On the right we have rewritten 0.x1x2•••xn••• in terms of x. In other words, we have written just the repeating part in terms of x. Note that a1a2•••amam+1•••am+l is a whole number, call it u. Algebra gives
10m+l+n x - 10n y - w + u = 10lx
x = (10n y + w - u) / (10m+l+n - 10l)
Where the numerator and denominator on the right are both whole numbers, and therefore x is rational. This contradicts our assumption. To see this more simply, consider a case where x < 1 and does not have any decimals that are not part of the repeating series. This means m = l = y = 0, meaning all the a = 0.
Ok the super scripts don't work so I will try to fix this later.
It has been two whole years since I've found Kendroth.
I know he has been a pain but he has a good heart, better than expected given how I found him. You'd think if he is such a traditionalist, he would burn down villages and eat ponies off the bat but he is far from that dipiction. Made everyone realize those stories were either exaggerations, purely fiction or the exceptions to dragon culture. No one is truly sure.
Kendroth is the only dragon we have seen and I am hoping I can talk to Thor or, if it comes to it, Loki, to see what they know.
After all the good Kndroth has done for me these past two years, I have to send him away. Not as a punishment, despite what SOME of my students ignorantly believe, but as a way to teach him about friendship. You can only do oh so much when you're tied to the hip to a paralyzed stallion.
I won't leave him blind sided, he will have access to my accounts to be able to buy food and such, I'll even keep contact with him via connected Grimoires and I do plan to visit him- no matter where- every now and again. I hope he understands and will some day appreciate it.
No wonder I keep coming back here time and time again. Feels like every other place is like a freaking battleground where there is constant strife for survival. I cannot handle those kind of environments.
What I need is soft mellow and calm ground for me to reestablish myself and breath in. A safe spot where the atmosphere is something that I believe that I can tolerate up to some extent.
Something I also need is to escape from everything that is going on. It's too much to take in all of that and I've been struggling these days because I've not been able to get out enough.
The things just seep into my mind and make their way in without asking me and I can't stop them unless I'm prepared for that. What that requires is solid foundation of mind and non clouded vision. But the longer I struggle without clearing the table the harder it gets.
I haven't been able to discover the whole truth of my situation but it feels like this community is different than the others and because of that I can partly escape the other communities by coming into here.
My view is mostly location based which means that I tie the aspects of my experiences, the communities and the overall atmospheres mostly in locations. Those locations and their combined feelings are a tool for me to reassert my self on a given situation in that location.
What I am saying is that I don't really feel that this site as a location has really much or any ties to the real world or people in there for me. That is basically what I established this site as when I joined here and I was in need of something like that.
Back then it was a bubble. An illusion that I was willingly letting myself into. These days it's more like a medicine that I take but the end result is similar.
What happens is that I am reliving partly the illusion that I was able to establish in the past to escape the world today as it is when I am not able to control my own feelings that are resulted from the experiences related to the world that I have experienced.
However it's not particularly that simple as I am still not fully able to accept myself as a part of the illusion that I was under back then because of that I destroyed the illusion i had back then about a year ago when my internal conflict was at it's peak. That destruction produced two separate illusions as it's result and they are not inclusive to each other.
So While I am able to maintain semi calm state here using this location as a tool to escape from other locations. Lingering around here long enough will give rise to that other illusion which I originally was unable to accept and since the two illusions cannot coexist in my current state it starts a conditional conflict in myself which in turn destabilizes my current state and I need to move again to get myself in order.
Recently I've been able to find an alternative method of escape in which I utilize the form of Japanese produced animation in which some genres are able to draw me in particularly well which in turn enables a better means of escape for me.
However a failure to keep up with that results in a feeling like what I am experiencing currently.
Alright so today I'm going to let you all know when I'll be posting, what times, and which topics on what days.
Sundays will be a book review (sorry I didn't get one up yesterday I will next week). Those will be posted at 1:00 PM my time.
Mondays and Fridays are my normal blogs. That's when I'll be posting about literally anything having to do with myself or the blogs in general. These will be posted at 9:00 PM my time.
On Wednesdays I'll post short story drafts(8:30 PM) and Saturdays I will post the final(8:30 PM).
And it repeats each week. Hopefully I can keep up with my own schedule ! We'll see how it goes.
Content Count: 2569 Posts made, that counted.(+17)
Day's Won: 7 Days having the most brohoofed content.(--)
Last day having most brohoofed content: 30th December 2014
Ammount of Brohoofs: 24.295 Brohoofs received(+245)
Followers: 388 Users following me.(+2)
Forum Rank: Pony
Profile Views: 396.978 times User watched my profile.(+3.223)
Last 6 Visitors:
Ammount of Blogs: 5(+0)
Ammount of Entries in my Blogs: 196 Entries(+1)
Ammount of Comments in my Blogs: 219 Comments(+2)
Ammount of Views in my Blogs: 26.967 Views(+173)
Ammount of Content: 2.626 Pages(+5)
Ammount of Status Updates: 310 Pages(+4)
Ammount of Status Replies: 564 Pages(+4)
Topics Posted by Me: 35 Topics(+1)
Posts in "Count to a million" = 58.426(--)
Days Won Counter:
3rd on 7th November 2015 with 34 Brohoofs
2nd on 21st June 2015 with 85 Brohoofs
2nd on 14th June 2015 with 194 Brohoofs
3rd on 31st May 2015 with 67 Brohoofs
2nd on 27th May 2015 with 106 Brohoofs
2nd on 22nd March 2015 with 154 Brohoofs
3rd on 1st February 2015 with 57 Brohoofs
3rd on 31st January 2015 with 68 Brohoofs
3rd on 26th January 2015 with 71 Brohoofs
1st on 30th December 2014 with 128 Brohoofs
3rd on 13th December 2014 with 37 Brohoofs
3rd on 7th December 2014 with 47 Brohoofs
2nd on 6th December 2014 with 35 Brohoofs
2nd on 23rd November 2014 with 48 Brohoofs
1st on 12th October 2014 with 158 Brohoofs
2nd on 4th October 2014 with 78 Brohoofs
2nd on 1st June 2014 with 76 Brohoofs
3rd on 18th May 2014 with 60 Brohoofs
1st on 26th April 2014 with 152 Brohoofs
3rd on 25th April 2014 with 80 Brohoofs
2nd on 21st April 2014 with 94 Brohoofs
2nd on 15th April 2014 with 118 Brohoofs
2nd on 12th April 2014 with 75 Brohoofs
3rd on 9th April 2014 with 75 Brohoofs
3rd on 8th April 2014 with 131 Brohoofs
2nd on 1st April 2014 with 77 Brohoofs
2nd on 31st March 2014 with 114 Brohoofs
2nd on 30th March 2014 with 90 Brohoofs
1st on 29th March 2014 with 96 Brohoofs
1st on 27th March 2014 with 73 Brohoofs
1st on 26th March 2014 with 78 Brohoofs
2nd on 18th March 2014 with 29 Brohoofs
3rd on 17th March 2014 with 28 Brohoofs
1st on 9th March 2014 with 78 Brohoofs
3rd on 28th February 2014 with 27 Brohoofs
3rd on 24th February 2014 with 25 Brohoofs
Ranking most Brohoofs received: 8th(--)
Ranking most Content: Not included(--)
Ranking most Status Updates: 3th(--)
Ranking most Articles: Not included(Doesn't exist anymore)
Ranking most Characters: Not included(--)
Ranking most Answers: Not included(--)
Ranking most EQE Characters: Not included(--)
Most Submissions: Not included(--)
Most Banners: Not included(--)
Ranking most Calendar Events: Not included(--)
Ranking most Applications: Not included(Doesn't exist anymore)
Ranking most Blog Entries: Not included(--)
Ranking most Posts(All): 1st(--)
Ranking most Product Reviews: Not included(Doesn't exist anymore)
Awards received: 34(+4)
Fics: 4 completed(+0), 0 uncompleted(-0), 0 Unsubmitted(+0)
PlayStation Trophies: 2.995 Trophies(+13) 23 Platinum(--) 115 Gold(+1) 467 Silver(+2) 2.390 Bronze(+10)
- = Got more rare += Got less rare
Rarest Platinum: War Hero(Killzone 2)(--) 2.30%(-0.00%)
Unrarest Platinum: Valedictorian(Bully)(--) 24.72%(-0.01%)
Rarest Gold: Key To The City(Grand Theft Auto IV)(--) 2.65%(-0.00%)
Unrarest Gold: Collateral Damage(The Order 1886)(--) 80.85%(-0.00%)
Rarest Silver: Mission Complete(Call of Duty Black Ops 2)(--) 3.01%(-0.00%)
Unrarest Silver: Bare-knuckle Slugger(Uncharted 2 Among Thieves)(--) 85.30%(-0.01%)
Rarest Bronze: High IQ(Call of Duty Black Ops 2)(--) 2.71%(+0.00%)
Unrarest Bronze: A Rite of Passage(Table Top Racing: World Tour)(--) 98.51%(-0.00%)
Games Played: 88 Games(+0)
Completed Games(100% Trophies): 16 Games(--)
Unearned Trophies: 2.217 Trophies(-8)
Trophies per Day: 0.94(+0.00%)
-=Losed positions +=Earned positions
World Rank: 168.070(-64)
Country Rank(Germany): 13.598(+2)
MLP App Game Stats
Friendship Code: 24c4d30
Characters: 211(+17) from 680(+13)
Collections: 11(+1) from 123(+1)
Costumes: 34(+6) from 93(+1)
Shops: 64(+7) from 172(+2)
Current Laughter Pieces: 991(+10)
Current Generosity Pieces: 999(+0)
Current Honesty Pieces: 996(+4)
Current Kindness Pieces: 992(+13)
Current Loyalty Pieces: 684(+169)
Current Magic Pieces: 846(+216)
Current Stars: 1055(+151)
Current Friendships: 26(+0)
Current Achievements: 10(--) from 25(--)
Minelore Rank and record: 9.881(-7.133) with 48.799 Points(--)
Title Melody Rank and record: 2.838(-14) with 3.723 Points(--)
This Strange New World Rank and record: 13.699(+738) with 5.887 Points(+25)
Time To Come Together Rank and record: 3.443(-11) with 18.195 Points(+0)
EG-Groove Rank and record: 6.898(+126) with 14.905 Points(--)
Cafeteria-Song Rank and record: 20.222(+582) with 10.520 Points(--)
VIP Rank: 0(--)
Current Bits: 474.702(+191.363)
Current Gems: 95(-4)
Areas Unlocked: 7 of 7(--)
Hope you enjoyed those useless stats, see ya next month n.n
This is Patrick S. speaking here. Please pray for my hometown of Taylorville, IL. We were hit head on by a large, damaging tornado earlier this evening, and much of the west side of town has been damaged and even destroyed.
In this blog entry, I’ll just be talking about what’s happening in my life right now.
So, I’m trying to get a job. That’s what I’ve been saying for the past few weeks now though, I need to step it up more and try harder. Anyways, I have no clue what job I will get or how long I will be working, I’m trying various things right now, but I will probably be working 8 or more hours a day once I do get one.
I’m also pursuing a career right now in computer science and programming, so I’ll see how that works out for me. I’m taking some small online courses and learning more about the field. It’s interesting for me, but I still don’t know if I want to do that as a career – there is no reason for me not to, I’m interested in computers and programming languages and I have the capability of understanding most of those things, but I still have doubts. I mean, I’m smart and all, but creating algorithms, variables, functions, and doing mathematics everyday seems too high of a task for me to do. I haven’t failed at any of it, yet, and I’ve understood what I’ve been learning, but I still don’t know. I guess it’s just me, I find it hard to have passion and desire. I feel like computer programming is my passion, but I still feel empty and numb inside like I have been feeling the past few months. The worst part is that when I take a small course on that, I sometimes don’t get any motivation or desire to continue doing it, and I must force myself to complete it which still doesn’t help and makes me feel awful afterwards. I suppose it’s that I haven’t been spending time with others at all, and that I’m usually isolated all day. Is that the problem? If it is, then I’m going to have to spend far more time with others than I’ve been spending, and that is what I’m trying to do anyways.
Despite what I’ve said above, I feel like I haven’t been making much progress lately, and that it’s all my fault. Everything’s starting to get under my skin, I’m more unstable and conflicted than I’ve ever been in my life. I mentioned it before, that I sometimes feel positive and sometimes feel negative, a constant battle within. It’s also the stress, I’m stressing out because I must get a job, get a decent car, get money, pursue a career, get out of my comfort zone, and do something with my life – all while feeling very unmotivated and fighting a brutal battle with my strong desire to give in to laziness and comfort; also, I’m trying to do those things but nothing big is happening because I’m not trying hard enough, so I must push myself even further which makes the pressure significantly worse. I was hoping that knowing my career, possibly something in computer science, would help, and it does a little, but that also makes things worse. I’m not going to let anything get me down and stop trying, but it is starting to really affect me.