Iced Glory

Note: If you don’t like life stories, this really isn’t for you. I made this mostly to get this off my chest and into words. I’m not looking for critique, I’m not looking for negativity, I just wanted to put this somewhere other than my head. Long ago I was told I was the happiest kid in the world. I used to smile no matter what the cause; whether for no reason or for something I thought funny. I would always make my family smile and give joy to their lives. Honestly this came as such a shock to me when I was told this. One, I had no recollection of anything before being 10 years old. The fact that I’m depressed, emotional and sensitive these days didn’t help convince me what they were telling me was true. Then I asked questions and inquired more about who I was. Talk about discovering yourself; I felt like I had amnesia at this point. Any who after an hour long talk I went to collect my thoughts. I thought about what they said and started comparing between today and then. I was born autistic, possibly retarded from what I’ve heard. I didn’t learn how to talk until I was 5. Read and write barely at 6. What came out of my mouth was “Choco Mihlk”, “Chi Chi” (My sister apparently), and everything else didn’t make sense. I must admit, I thought it was hilarious that I would even say those things. I had a crazy thing for trains. Apparently I’d have a spaz attack every time I saw one. I honestly couldn’t describe it to you, let alone myself. That’s basically all I know about my personality from back then, I’m sure there’s more little unimportant details. When my parents found I couldn’t talk they became worried I was born this way and I would be like this for the rest of my life. They literally tried everything they could to get me to talk or do something that required some smarts but it just wasn’t happening. I’d just eat, poop, smile and laugh. Not a bad combo. Any way I eventually got put in school hoping that something there would make me snap out of it. Apparently it ended up being one teacher who taught me to talk; not so much reading and writing though. It was one small step for me, actually no, that’s a giant leap for me! My kindergarten year ended and I had accomplished one thing at least. Though, I had to experience my first sorrow at the end of it as well. My brother and sister literally moved away both at the same time. This is one of the few things I remember, I literally cried for weeks during the night in my bed. I possibly knew more than I thought at the time than I ever thought possible now. The only reason I would ever cry that much is if I knew that I was never going to grow up with them and for the rest of my life I would only see them once every couple of years; even more for my sister. I still weep at this thought, even as I’m writing it. This is definitely one of the things that have caused my depression to grow over the years. Now I can’t exactly remember what birthday but I’ll just assume my 6th birthday, I got a N64. During this year I struggled hard with basic concepts such as reading, writing and math. Now before I was born my parents believed in as little exposure to T.V. and electronics as possible was good but it wasn’t condemned. My brother and sister were homeschooled through Elementary and Middle School and were allowed to do whatever they wanted after their work was done. I was to be homeschooled too but obviously that wasn’t going to happen. Anyway back to the N64. My parents noticed I had a high interest in video games and electronics. They decided to just let me go with it and see what would happen. Good thing they did because I actually learned to read because of it! Basic things obviously but still I taught myself. Writing was a little harder for me to grasp but I was lucky to have the same teacher that year to help teach me a special way. Not much happened between grades 2-4 other than me struggling a lot. At least I had some smart in me even if it was a touch. Grade 5 is to be titled the year of despair and utter hopelessness. I honestly wish I could forget about this year and say it didn’t happen but we can’t do that now can we? Even though I didn’t remember much, my dad jogged my memory pretty well when he started describing it. The teacher was the worst I’ve ever had. She refused to be hands on with the students and instead gave us at least an hour of homework after every day of class; which translated for me, three hours of work. And if I didn’t get it (which was 90% of the time) I’d have to get one of my parents to help me. My parents gave up so much of their free time to try and help me. It drove me insane that I would never get what I was being taught and instead just do the work and throw it in the back of my head. My parents went to see my teacher at least twice a week, just to try and figure out different learning methods they could do with me. But my teacher was stubborn in her ways thinking that more work would eventually make me get it. WRONG! Somehow I got through the year with 50%’s in just about every subject. Grade 6 and 7 is when I was literally visited by an angel. My dad was absolutely fed up with how I was being taught and demanded that they figure out a way that I could learn. Note others were struggling just as I was but I was quite an exception. The school had enough funding to pull together a special class for one grade; and brought in a teacher from out of nowhere to teach it. It was like I was blessed or something; for the first time I was actually learning! Stuff was sticking in my head. I could remember things more easily and I was having fun. My teacher’s name was Mr. Murray and he deserves to be recognized along with Mrs. Jones who came into help teach the class as well. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be writing this giant story right now. Anyway back to what was happening in the class. Me and the rest of the kids have never been able to learn but we were learning and it was really amazing. I can’t really describe the teaching method but I can say it worked and that’s all that mattered to me. But the program didn’t have enough funding to go for another year and I had one year left before high school. Fortunately the principle of the school pulled a rabbit out of his ass and had just enough funding to do it one more time. Grade 7 was basically the same as 6 but it was literally life changing. I had learnt enough to boost me off like a rocket through high school! I cried tears of joy at the last day of grade 7. We went to a BBQ at Mrs. Jones house and all I could see was happiness, joy and laughter. I gave Mr. Murray a hug and literally started crying my eyes out, I think he did too. I now considered him to be more than the greatest teacher, but a friend. Once again I had the intuition that I may never see him again and started crying every night again for weeks. The sad thing was…I was right. I won’t go into high school just because there’s too much to go into. I’ll just describe it as it having its ups and downs. (More ups then downs.) I’m not going to lie I picked some pretty smart friends when I was in school I’m so happy we ended up being the group we became. But I never told them how I was before I met them and during my time I had met them. I think they had their suspicions when I was put in a special class for grade 6 and 7 but nothing more. If I were to say how I got out of my early childhood disorder I’d say; I have no fucking clue. And that’d be the honest truth because I have no memory, only bits and pieces and my parents to help put the bits and pieces together. Funny thing my dad said to me was “You left quite a pile of death and destruction when you went through school.” He was referencing all the teachers that retired when I went on to the next grade. Approximately 4 teachers retired after I went through their grade. I know what you’re thinking; they retired because they planned retirement for that year; right? Nope. Ha-ha. Somewhat funny but interesting to say the least. So what’s the point of this? Why am I wasting your precious time so you can read this life story? You may ask. To ask myself a simple question. Was it worth it? Was my time going through school, struggling and the thought of even having me worth the effort? I’ll be honest, I don’t know. Now before you think I should have answered yes life is worth the effort let me finish. My time through high school wasn’t the greatest, that’s one cold hard reality that hit me for the first time on how the world really was. From my point it was full of negativity, aggression, control, fear, chaos and hardly any good. Another quote from my dad “You never smile anymore, you always smiled but now you don’t. Why?” I never answered him. This doesn’t mean I would never be a nice person, I actually considered my-self the kindest person in the school. I was always nice, polite and mannerly. I just never smiled. I actually can’t remember the last time I smiled; isn’t that sad. I mean I smile and laugh at things funny but never out of meaningless joy. But yet before school, before I was exposed to the worlds exploits, I was at peace. I never had a reason to be sad or depressed. I didn’t have a care in the world. But when I began to go through school I began with a smile and ended with a gloom. During my time at home I’d start throwing a tantrum and then a few seconds later realize that I shouldn’t be doing this and stop completely. I’ve always had a very large self-control over myself but it still scared me that I would even get as far as starting to do nasty things. I was literally scared of what I was becoming. I did everything I could to fight it back. In so doing I locked everything and when I say everything I mean everything inside of me. My parents considered me the best behaved child ever in existence, people on the street thought I was the kindest boy and I thought I was the worst that whole time. Throughout my high school especially when I was in drama, I let my emotional bubble burst sometimes. It could only happen when someone drove me to the point of insanity and it takes a lot to get me there. But somehow people found a way and I’d literally just about scream and yell all over them. But instead I take a big gulp and push it all away and when I get home I cry my guts out. Little did I know it would be harder to contain the next time it happened. This brings me to where I am today, still with an emotional bubble ready to pop when someone pushes me hard enough and just fill up bigger for the next round. The thing is the bubble will never go; it will always be with me wherever I go, no matter how long time has passed. All my bad experiences seem to be the easiest to remember for me. I can see five of them right now but not one good one. I wish I never had any of those experiences. I know what you’re going to say again. You need those experiences to help deal with future issues. No. They were never necessary, they were unprovoked and I was acting in everyone’s best interests but no I still deserved it in their mind. If I had never learned how to do anything and got rejected from school I would never have learned any of the evils this world has to offer. I would have kept my happiness, I would have kept my laughter and I would have kept smiling. Some people would say better to have knowledge than nothing to base anything on. I agree with this but not for this world. I actually see no future for this world or its people. I know there are good people out there but there’s too much bad. I’ve given up a long time ago to not care what goes on anymore. However people cared enough to get me to learn. People cared enough to get me through school. People cared enough specifically just for me. So I will give this world one more chance and hope I can do something to change it; what that is I don’t know. Hopefully I won’t lose this slim hope I’ve gained and instead hold onto it for the rest of my life. I can only hope.

Don't Worry.docxThere once was a time I would lash out and be as useful as I could and give as much advice as possible. Perhaps that time is over. I haven't helped anybody in a long time because I haven't been needed but I saw a topic recently that seemed to be teetering from one side to the other with a decision closely drawing to a conclusion that would tip it one way forever. So I figured I haven't been useful in a long time why not start now? I wanted to try and tip the decision in the complete opposite direction and make it a positive outcome. I went to work immediately writing out an amazing piece of work. I thought it would be short but I felt I had to instill confidence as it was needed desperately. So it turned out to be a whopping 1118 words. I thought about shrinking it down but I read over it and showed it to my friend and he agreed that it would be very helpful. I was pretty exhausted, as I had worked 3+hours on it. I wanted to make sure everything was perfect, as I didn't want to send the wrong message. I sent it off and started to freak out if I had done something wrong. I hadn't; just nerves I guess. So far it's been three days and I've been awaiting a response. I know that the person has been coming online in that time. I kind of feel appalled that I haven't had a response and the smaller posts have had a response. Even just saying that they don't agree with me or saying something would make me feel much better, but I've got bupkis. Maybe I will stop doing this if my work isn't worth a response. I can only hope their holding off a response, but something tells me that's not the case. Out of kindness I will not link the topic but I will put the document in the description as I feel it's too much work to just go unnoticed. P.S. I did just read the blog post on large posts. Usually I would say I'm glad, I'm not the only one but the fact that people ignore such well written posts is sad. I'd rather have mine ignored rather than most of the communities.

I've never been anywhere near a forum before, or any social site for that matter but I thought I'd try it out. I came across the show almost a year ago from a friend. I never took him seriously until a few months later. I've been lurking around; mostly on the creative side of the fandom from artwork to videos, animations and of course the show itself. I've loved everything I've seen and I'm glad this show has brought so much love into so many people, including myself. I guess the last thing I should say is: What's my favorite pony? To be very honest, from the very beginning it's always been Rainbow Dash but now it's Fluttershy; for reasons I have yet to understand myself. Perhaps I see some of her personality left in me, maybe, maybe not. I hope this hasn't been too long, I didn't intend it to be that way. I do apologize if it is. P.S. I'm shy on the internet but not in real life. Why? I don't know.