Ashen Pathfinder

On 2/5/2017 at 4:50 AM, Iced_Coffee Nerd said:

Love the unique touch of some Cheetah.

That's a jaguar; actually.

After reviewing the application I must say that this character is lovely, and I can't wait to RP with her when you're fully approved.

Sending to second approval...

Understood, and consider it corrected.

That's a fair point! The specific name has been removed, and replaced with vague references.

Thank you for the compliments Eloquence! ^^

As for what you pointed out:

1. That bit with Twilight was altered to mention the general deer community.

2. Typo fixed; I blame OS-X. XD

Kay Dreamer's scenario is vague, while you specified things very clearly xD

 

Changes done, off to approved.

Fair point; ambitious interpreting on my part. XD

Thanks!

@,

 

One thing I'll point out here, without which I'd throw it into "Approved" outright:

 

 

 

 

Why killed? As far as I recall Sombra was all about enslaving every single pony possible. Is there any reasonable reason as to why they need to die in order for your application to work?

I was basing it off of Kay Dreamer's scenario as I didn't want to stray too far from established lore; considering she is the only other crystal pony.

But if it needs to be changed I can do that.

I hopefully took care of the tense issue. ^^;

And thank you!

I forgot to mention that I made an edit to the cutie mark origin story after some advice from Khajiit. There was one requirement that I failed to take into consideration, but that part, at least, should be good to go now.

With all criticisms noted, I have made the following changes:

1. I have reworked the first two paragraphs to make sure that pegasai are not seen as lower-class in Canterlot; while also taking out hints that assumed there were more unicorns.

2. The sentences of the personality section have been consolidated to reflect the paragraph requirement.

3. I've reworked that bit that describes his time in flight school. Hopefully that will remove any pretentious assumptions about his talent. ^^;

4. I worked on the Resonance bit; hope that is enough.

5. Bolded part removed.

Hope that helps! Thank you for taking a look at him.

Denied for using the word moist.

 

 

I promise I'll get to your character when I get home if someone else hasn't done it already.

 

Why you...

And no worries; take your time!

Excellent! Thank you Kay for the initial approval, and Sky for the final. I duly appreciate it.

Excellent! Thanks to all of you who reviewed the app and offered advice. It is much appreciated!

Thank you Kay!

I took your advice into consideration and I made the following adjustments:

1. Derbyshire is located in eastern Equestria.

2. I greatly expanded upon the description for Derbyshire; as well as adding some history here and there.

3. References to filly, college, and the Sojourner profile were deleted or corrected.

If there is anything else that needs to be done please let me know, and thank you for taking the time to review the app.