Varrack

The last several months of my life have been absolutely surreal and life-changing. I will never, ever be the same, nor do I wish to be how I once was. When God himself visits you in the dark of night, and shows you how long wandered from him, you can never be the same. When your social circle collapses, your grades plummet through the floor, your family splinters into pieces, your belief system shatters, and your self-esteem drops like a rock, you can never, EVER, be the same. Mankind, you see, is stuck in this loop. This loop of constant self-gratification, distraction, and ignorance of the upper nature of the universe. We live to die, trying to enjoy the most of the life we get here. That's how I was. Until I saw that my life was a bunch of smoke and mirrors...and realized that the things I thought I cared about didn't actually matter. When you see the devil face-to-face, it snaps you out of that cycle. It gives you meaningful perspective, and shows you the very root of your pain. Everyone suffers in silence...let's not deny it. We all have issues, we all have faults. But if you're lucky enough to be so succumbed by your faults that you realize they aren't really you...it is probably the best thing that could ever happen to you. If you suffer, it is no one else's fault. No one put you in your unfortunate circumstances. They just happened. If you can accept the fact that you were put in these circumstances by nature and it happened for your very growth...then it is very easy to forgive yourself. I have long held anger and resentment in my heart. I have long felt hurt and suppressed. I have long been backed up against a corner, hating myself for being there. But it is not YOUR fault, the reader, that I am here. And I am NOT a victim...so much as my mind says I'm not. I absolutely CAN change my attitude toward life and not hold anger toward another human being...because I was always worthy of being forgiven, and was never actually hurt in the first place. The hurt just existed in my head. Remove those toxic emotions from myself, and I become new. My reality completely changes, and my real self emerges. It was as if I was never angry in the first place...as if I was always light on my feet with nothing I could possibly be bothered by. I don't have to be an antisocial loser, because I never was one outside of my own delusion. The delusions that plague so many people cause them to hesitate and be miserable in their lives. If I have any room for self-forgiveness (and I do), then there is no reason to be unhappy and bitter. I have been depressed and anxious for the last several months and refused to move at all, fearful of myself and what was to become of me. But now I know that the root cause of my depression was my own self-doubt and deep hole of shame that chained me down for so long and held me prisoner in my own body. Thank you, Lord, for showing me the light. Allow me to find myself again.

I go because my family does and it would be weird if I didn't. But I wouldn't consider myself religious...spiritual is a much better word. Having to go to a building to be taught about truth seems silly when I'm perfectly capable of seeking truth in my own time.

A dude

We had some too. It was pretty cool.

Me basically every day

I think I've posted here before but my name is bryson.lott. It'd be nice to get to know some new peeps! So yeah, hit me up.

There's no line. As morality is subjective, nothing can truly be "evil" beyond being noncompliant with our collective moral standards. We generally regard evil people as being insane anyway (think serial killers, psychopaths, etc.) so I wouldn't agree with the OP's assumption that there is a difference between "evil" and insanity at all.

Imagine that you are sitting down in a public space. People are coming and going, minding their own business. They're paying little attention to you, kept up in their own thoughts. Then, as if on cue, they begin moving faster, as if it's a movie and the fast-forward button was just pushed. Pretty soon they're zipping around you, moving in every which way. They're so caught up in their lives that they don't hesitate to move exactly where they're heading. The only person who isn't moving as fast as they are is...you. You just sit there, in that seat, watching everyone move around you in a flurry of motion. They can't see or hear you...you're just stuck there, watching everyone move about in their own lives. You keep watching them until you realize...you've seen this all before. This is a video that has been replaying in your mind every single day. You can't escape it; it is the reality that you have lived in for the past several months. The people you see in this video - they are your friends, your family, your co-workers, your peers, your associates. They are brushing by you all the time, yet they are completely oblivious to your own mental chatter, your own thoughts and emotions that constantly prod your conscience. You want to reach out to one of them, ask them how their day is going and what they've been up to lately. But as you try to, something else draws you away. You slowly realize that the reality you live in and the reality they live in are not the same. They are going about their own casual life, sprinkled with pleasures and day-to-day duties, while you are being mugged by feelings of insecurity, unworthiness, and despondency. It is as if some creature has come up from the ground, has snatched you, and is dragging you back down into the earth with it while no one bats an eye. You're sinking low into the earth, but you might as well not be to everyone else. "But wait a second," you say to yourself. "Maybe people do care. What if they're willing to help but just aren't aware of my problem?" Don't even bother them, says another voice. They don't want to help. No one cares about your stupid problems. And so you go on, living the nightmare. You convince yourself you're worth no one's time, and slowly find yourself isolated from everyone you once conversed with. Withdrawn into the world of your own, the only reality that really seems to exist. Eye contact becomes too much of a bother. Small talk is too infuriating for you to carry on for long, so you try to avoid it the best you can. All the while, your thoughts keep returning to your current state of misery. Out of the 50,000 thoughts you have every day, 50% are about how different your reality is from everyone's else's...how isolated and alone you've become. Your mind is filled with white noise day in and day out. You zone out all the time, constantly snapping back to "reality" everyone else seems to be living in...and then retreat back your own, the one that has its firm grip around you. It's like there's a party happening, but instead of being in the room everyone else is in, you're trapped underneath the glass floor, looking up at everyone else above. Or you're a fish in a river that finds that he can't move anymore, and can do nothing except watch the fish around him swim by effortlessly. It's a deep, dark hole of despair that leaves you stranded from anything you once found comfort in. A void of emptiness, with plenty of room for negative emotions to thrive in. Maybe one of these days when you're sitting there gloomily watching this video of people whizzing by...one of the people actually notice you and come sit next to you. You're skeptical of them at first, but as they talk with you, you find yourself beginning to trust them. After a few weeks, when you finally think you've found someone you can actually share your thoughts and trust with, they get up and just leave. Nothing more - they just abandon you. You feel as if a dagger has just been thrust into your heart...and vow never to trust anyone ever again. Resentment has come along and made you its own, and you find yourself welcoming anger and bitterness into your daily life, resenting every speeding passerby but secretly wishing one would know what you're going through and could offer some assistance. Days, weeks, and months just all blur together. They all become the same - time doesn't matter anymore. How can you care if all you can focus on is this white noise that keeps echoing through your brain? Holidays zoom by...future dreams and prospects become mere dreams that you force yourself to not think about. For if you do, you may lose your sanity. You can make out some of the people conversations of those who are speeding by around you. Sometimes it's small talk, sometimes it's future plans or ideas. Every once in a while someone will briefly notice you and ask you how you're doing, to which you'll reply "fine", while trying not to seethe in rage as you ask yourself how these people can not notice how much pain you're in. You're hate yourself for hating them for ignoring you, and the cycle of shame and anger keeps repeating itself in your mind so much that you force yourself to think about something else. Every positive thought is followed by a negative one. "Maybe tomorrow it'll be nice and sunny" might be followed by...who cares...your life will remain dreadful regardless. Or perhaps the thought "hey, there's an extra credit opportunity today" will come before: why even try when you're already failing this class so badly? Perhaps you have a terrible day and hit rock bottom. The worst it gets. When all that fear, insecurity, and despair all comes crashing down on top of you. When you wake up on an iceberg in the middle of the ocean, and can see nothing for miles around. Panic grips you as you realize that there's nobody around...and you're completely alone. You're isolated, hopeless, and worst of all, you're numb. Very numb, and torn apart by that hole in your heart that produces all the negative emotion that haunts you and creates your reality. It's an empty, painful existence which is the reality for millions of people in the world. Now maybe you can climb out. Maybe you take some medication and those zipping people all around you will slow down. Maybe you can find yourself able to talk again and able to reach out to other people, ending the isolation that once permeated your reality. Perhaps you can cut out that white noise, take those stairs up to the floor where the party is, and swim freely in that river again. If that's the case, good for you. Others, including me, aren't quite there yet. But maybe, just maybe, if enough of us get out, we can hunt down this demon and end it for the millions who suffer from it. There's got to be a way, and I hope one day this will become more easily treatable. But for now, I can take pride in calling myself a soon-to-be survivor of this awful darkness.