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J-Rusty

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  1. J-Rusty

    Blog #2: Responsibility

    By J-Rusty,

    I am not a very responsible person. I am so irresponsible, in fact, that I could write a blog about it.
    I take no responsibility for what is said in this blog.
     
    Responsibility is a weird thing: it is an abstract concept of relying on one thing, to do some other thing, which something in some form has asked something to do. For humans, it is obvious: "I have the responsibility of picking this fruit so that my tribe gets food," or "I have the responsibility of not wearing green pants with a red shirt, because that is hideous." This is obvious because - as is commonly accepted - humans are exceedingly stupid. So stupid in fact, that it is the only known creature in the entire universe who can form a defining concept of what stupidity is, and still go ahead and do exactly that very thing which is considered stupid.So it should come to no surprise that we also invented the term responsibility, only to throw it in the bin because we didn't feel like playing with it at the time.
     
    The interesting part about responsibility, however, lies not in the term - it lies in the concept. Humans didn't create the concept. The concept exists in almost every living and social creature: "I help the pack to hunt, I get food," or "I help the hunt to pack, and it'll be on the next plane to Ohio." It's all about survival: "if I'm bad for myself, I'm bad for the pack and soon dead, so I do not help hunt to go away." For lesser life-forms it's more simple: "I eat, or I die." As you can see, responsibility is always, in one form or another, forced upon us - even if it is something as trivial as eating.
     
    Why am I talking about this?
    Well, I recently was very irresponsible, by trying to be too responsible: "If I help pack hunt, we get food, but if I hunt instead of pack, pack can focus on better things!"
    It might sound harmless enough, until you realize that the reason the pack hunted together, was because it was the best and sometimes only way to get food. So after that, I felt like a complete fool - which I should: I'm only human after all.
     
    I also, as it happens, have a very strong shame drive. I feel awfully embarrassed and sometimes useless after having been corrected by the pack, even though it isn't a big deal in the big whole. The reason to why I react so strongly, and have this huge shame-drive, is because I also have a problem with egoism. It is very easy for me to build myself up as being mature, responsible and just generally being the centre of other people's lives, which is why I often feel as if a mistake on my behalf will have long lasting and negative repercussions - which leads to me feeling a huge responsibility to myself and everyone around me. Of course, I know this not to be directly true, but it is a part of my subconscious and possibly even my personality, so it seems to affect me even though my logical circuits is very sure to tell me that I'm just a regular person who leaves a marginal impact on most people's lives at best.
  2. J-Rusty

    Blogpost #1

    By J-Rusty,

    There are many reasons as to why I definitely should not be writing a blog right now. There are so very many reasons, in fact, that I could write a blog about it - which, technically, I am. The reasons for not writing a blog is so universally obvious that just the mentioning of not having time to write a blog, seems utterly redundant, so I will spend no more time saying that I shouldn't do it, and just go ahead with doing it.
     
    It was little more than 2 weeks ago that I got a pm telling me that I'd become a designer for Poniverse. At first I was worried; my designing skills are very rudimentary, and I usually operate on raw intuition when making stuff, but after awhile things settled and I got a good start. But then I was worried something else was starting to go around - It is a common phenomenon that people think they are better than they actually are, but it is different for me; it's not the opposite - I have a pretty non-murky sense of my capabilities - but rather a weird mutation of opposite egoism that makes people think that I am better than I actually am. This is not to say that I'm bad, but in reality, I'm not that good either: I just give off the illusion of being good, by spending a considerable amount of time to give off that impression. In fact, during the past couple of days, I have spent possibly 14 hours of only working - that being from 18:30 to 01:00 - and that is after I get home from work. I am very lucky to have SFyr and Ody around to paint ponies, I tell you that.
     
    But, I am a designer, and I helped create this years MCM banner, so I'll talk a little about the banner:
    It is a pretty neat banner. It's pretty, and it is neat. As a person that designed it, I of course see the flaws of it. Some weird thing happened with the layering before it was uploaded, and I can't get rid of the feeling that there is something weird about the trees... Of course, SFyr made the ponies, so I've got no complaints there, which is something I would never write just in case he'd be dropping by this blog post. Not at all. Actually.
    Great job SFyr!
    I am just very glad that I did not have to paint any clouds, which is one of my absolute pitfalls. I can handle a landscape, I can handle typography, but throw a fluffy cloud in my direction and I'd be spending the rest of the week in a mental hospital.
     
    That was a little about the banner - now is today:
     
    I have not gotten very far with many things today: I was up too late yesterday, because I had to sit up and remind myself that I needed to sleep every so often. This isn't a normal problem, but ever since I became staff, my sleeping routines has changed more than my Youtube recommendations list, thanks to a certain staff. If there is anything that can be said about the staff it is this: They are a good bunch - absolutely mad - but good, and I know that if I ever need help with anything, at least two of them will consider answering my plead, think about it, and then politely leaving the idea of answering all together.
     
    Another important fact to note about me and my interaction with the staff - or any other person for that matter - is that there always seems to exist some kind of disconnection somewhere: as if a screen cable has been poorly plugged in to the monitor, only allowing green or grey to show. I am a very sarcastic person, but at the same time I am very, very concerned to not offend or confuse anyone. This leads me to constantly analysing what I am writing, revise it a couple of times, and then just abandoning the idea of saying anything at all. This often leads to a strange form of one-way dialogue: the person I am writing with will be mentioning something small, perhaps not even something very interesting, and then he or she will wait for about 5 minutes while I am throwing around pencils, books, statistics about useful jokes and anecdotes until I finally come up with the one hit wonder "huh..."
    These things can and does make me seem slightly inconsistent. Of course, if I pick up on this, I will spend even more time trying to maintain consistency through my chats - or well, the chat. Even though I love to talk to people, I am a rather silent type, who has trouble maintaining a strong social interaction with people - especially online. I do try, though.
     
    Now, I want to say, that I write the blog just as much for the Forums, as I do for myself. It is not my intention to complain about my behaviour, and it is not something which I am overtly worried over. It is like an old bike: it is kind of heavy to get it going, it squeaks from time to time and people look at me oddly when I ride it to the grocery store, but it has sentimental value, dammit! I am thinkning that keeping a small blog like this might help me structure my thoughts better, and if anyone happens to read it, I can take in comfort that, somewhere out there, there is someone, who has absolutely nothing to do right now. And I envy them.
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