Peace Petal

I like all the changes you've made! And I appreciate my cameo, although I'm sure nopony else will be aware.

Intro: Replace "pegasi scouts" with "pegasus scouts." Pegasi is the plural. It wouldn't sound right if you said "unicorns scouts," I think. I think grouping into ponies into personality types is going to be a great help towards learning all these characters for those who are new to G1. That was a good idea. 3rd scene, 4th paragraph: Change "sparkly things form every other creature" to "sparkly things from every other creature." 4th scene, 5th paragraph: “Isn't it impossible to wink through solid objects,” Cherries Jubilee offers. That comma should be replaced with a question mark. 4th scene, 6th paragraph: Replace the hyphen (-) with a dash (—). I luv the horse behavior in the scene with Galaxy and Danny. You may already know, I'm a stickler for my little ponies acting like horses, and that was a big theme for G1, so that checks out as accurate. I also love how Galaxy gave Danny a good twinkle from the eyes. Twinkle-eyed ponies are the best ponies. I like the subtle nod to Ribbon's mind-reading abilities with this line: “Petal Swirl, you are a genius!” Paradise declares, prompting a wry smile from Ribbon, amused by the latter’s indirect self-praise. 6th scene, 7th paragraph: I believe the first comma is unnecessary. Change "The, now writhing, teal" to "The now writhing, teal" I noticed that Surprise made a promise similar to the "Pinkie promise" from G4. Nice little connection, there. 6th scene, 15th paragraph: I believe the first comma ("here, sure") is unnecessary. 7th scene, 1st paragraph: Change "continues" to "continue" in the first sentence. 7th scene, 3rd paragraph: I think the comma after "thanks" and the comma after "nuzzle" can both be replaced by periods. That makes three complete sentences, and since you didn't use a dialogue tag (for example, the word "said"), the commas aren't necessary. So the result would be, “Thanks.” The white earth pony gives the latter’s hand a nuzzle. “It’s 7th scene, 11th paragraph: Add a comma after "tail" before "causing." You said that the ethereal being can neither speak nor understand the pony tongue, but it was shaking its head to some of Petal Swirl's guesses, so it seems to understand, right? 8th scene, 1st paragraph: In the last sentence, you said "as if on their owns..." The "s" is not necessary. Replace with "as if on their own..." Also, I've never seen the word "sky-bourn" before. I would have said "sky-borne." But maybe that's a British thing. 8th scene, 6th paragraph: Replace "North Stars" with "North Star's." 8th scene, 12th paragraph: Replace the comma after "pout" with a period. I love the twinkle-eyed eye-roll. 8th scene, 21st paragraph: Replace the comma after "heads" (before Medley) with a period. Heh, I was just thinking that Lofty was the one pony who could catch her. Great (G1 fan) minds think alike. 9th scene, 8th paragraph: Replace "weave" with "weaves" in the first sentence. 9th scene, 9th paragraph: Replace the comma after "finished" with a period. It's already a complete sentence. Alternatively, you could say "Now that the net is finished," to make it connect to the next sentence if you want to keep the comma. 9th scene, 11th paragraph: Remove the word "the" before "Paradise." It should read: "the designs of the Paradise’s two protagonists" 9th scene, 13th paragraph: Replace the hyphen with a dash. 9th scene, 18th paragraph: Add a comma after "there." 9th scene, 21st paragraph: Add a comma after "audience." Also add a comma after "subside." 9th scene, 31st paragraph: Change the hyphen to a dash. Was it previously established that the King has a black coat? That would make the reveal more dramatic, I think. Nice little detail that could be added in editing if it was not there previously. 10th scene, 2nd paragraph: Replace "cries" with "cry." Subject-verb agreement. 10th scene, 3rd paragraph: Add a comma after "telekinesis." 10th scene, 4th paragraph: Why did you put Buttons' name in quotes? It makes it seem like a nickname. 10th scene, 12th paragraph: Add a comma after "Gusty" before "whose." 10th scene, 14th paragraph: Replace "groan" with "groans." 10th scene, 21st paragraph: You don't need a hyphen in "stale-mate." "Stalemate" will do just fine. 10th scene, 26th paragraph: Replace "B-but-" with "B-but—" (hyphen) 11th scene, last paragraph: You don't need to capitalize "Sapphires." 12th scene, 4th paragraph: Change the comma after "me" to a period. 12th scene, 5th paragraph: Replace "minds eyes" with "minds' eyes." 12th scene, 16th paragraph: You said, "Masquerade remains unbowed..." But, wasn't she bowed? Shouldn't it be "remains bowed"? Also, you referred to Danny as "her" in the last sentence: "jets of steamy bubbles form from behind Danny’s head and cascade about her" 12th scene, 19th paragraph: Replace "friends'" with "friend's". This is the singular possessive. 12th scene, 30th paragraph: Replace "master-crafstpony" with "master-craftspony." 13th scene, 2nd paragraph: Change the comma after "how" to a question mark. Add a comma after 'Mousefur'. 13th scene, 3rd paragraph: Change the hyphen to a dash. 13th scene, 4th paragraph: Change the hyphen after "go" to a dash. 13th scene, 9th paragraph: Change the hyphen to a dash. 13th scene, 12th paragraph: You misspelled Firefly (you wrote "Firely"). 14th scene, 2nd paragraph: Replace the hyphens after "hooves" and before "Mousefur" with dashes. 14th scene, 5th paragraph: You end the paragraph with a quotation mark that is not necessary. Remove it. 14th scene, 8th paragraph: Remove the commas after each and shallow. They are unnecessary. 14th scene, last paragraph: Replace "hind-les" with "hind-legs." 15th scene, 12th paragraph: Add a comma after "says" before "fidgeting." 15th scene, 13th paragraph: Add a comma after "however." 16th scene, 4th paragraph: Change the comma after "group" to a period. "The sentiment draws solemn nods of approval from Megan and Galaxy." Strange that you didn't mention Wind Whistler. The whole character is based off Wind Whistler, after all. 16th scene, 12th paragraph: Add a comma after "Firefly." Also, in this paragraph, you said "Windwhistler." In the merch and comics, it is always written as two separate words. "Wind Whistler." Wait, where did we get armor and a lance from? 16th scene, 19th paragraph: You said here that Whizzer makes the roaring sounds. Is this a mistake? In previous scenes it was Surprise. 16th scene, 26th paragraph: Add a comma after "other." 16th scene, 27th paragraph: Change the comma after "voice" to a period. 16th scene, 29th paragraph: Replace "Wind-whistler" with "Wind Whistler 16th scene, 31st paragraph: Replace the hyphens with dashes. 16th scene, 33rd paragraph: Once again you referred to Whizzer as the roar of the dragon. Which one is it? Her or Surprise? Also, unless this is a British thing, it should be "skillful," not "skilful." 16th scene, 45th paragraph: Add a comma after "one" before "Moon." 16th scene, 46th paragraph: Add a comma after "Thanks." 16th scene, last paragraph: Delete the "#" in "M#ousefur." 17th scene, 1st paragraph: Add a comma after "wolf-pack." 18th scene, 4th paragraph: Add a comma after "tight." 18th scene, 6th paragraph: This sentence seems incomplete. Maybe you meant to say "as her friend heads towards the largest tent" rather than "as her friend heads towards the largest tent" Okay, there we go. This was a very long section, so I think the grammatical errors are pretty sparse, relatively speaking. To be honest, I did my best, but I am certain that I missed many little details. As you may have noticed, a lot of my changes were very nitpicky and detail-oriented, and it's extremely hard to stay focused at that level of detail for such a long chapter. Especially when my method of marking changes is very inefficient. This would have been easier if I could track changes in a word processor. That being said, I don't think the grammar errors are all that important. Overall you're doing very well. I've seen much worse grammar from published stories on fimfiction, and I don't think any of your errors are distracting from the story at all. The overall patterns are problems with commas, dialogue tags, and hyphens vs dashes. As a reminder, the hyphen (-) is only really meant to be used for compound words (sock-soft hooves, for example). The dash (—) should be used for just about all other purposes, including when a character is interrupted mid-sentence, which seemed to be a common occurrence in this chapter. But really I'd much rather talk about the overall story. It's superb! Masquerade and Paradise did a wonderful job putting this all together! I don't know much about theater, but I want to say they did just about everything right--audience interaction, comedic pauses (I loved Surprise riding the Danny-pony), clever use of the unicorns' spells to make special effects. I can tell you put a lot of thought into this. I love the cozy G1 vibes. It's lovely to see them have fun without getting attack by a monster, for once. The characters are so cute, and for the most part you've done a great job of getting their personalities across. And, of course, I love the little bits of horse behavior and terminology thrown in there. This whole story just makes my G1-fan heart glow! I also noticed the clever reference to toy-only Bright Eyes. So I pretty much loved it. Yep, that sums it up. I wish I could have been more thorough with nitpicking grammar, but it was a very time-consuming process as is. And you can see that I got rather sucked into the story, as there are long stretches where I didn't comment anything about grammar.

You were right about... everything. I seriously agree with almost every single pick you made.

Yeah, I wrote the bit about plants and weeds before I got on to Posey letting the buttercups and nettles stick around. This is a suitably neutral ending for me.

I'm so glad you decided to add Paradise to this chapter! Her role is great, and she added a lot to the chapter. Oh, yeah, I forgot that both Minty and Night Light are G1 toys.

¶2: Add a comma between husky and soft-spoken. ¶8: The Brighthouse, eh? Sneaking in a G5 reference as a story? ¶12: I love the scathing sarcasm from gentle Ribbon! Great characterization. Add a comma between big and strong. "big, strong warriors" ¶13: Replace the comma after secret with a period. ¶17: Add a comma between furry and white. Also, I think you can replace the colon with a comma. Lastly, add a comma after it (you can do it, and). ¶19: Add a comma between eager and furry. ¶28: "She is at pains to point out that certain of these characters, not all of whom are named directly, or consistently, are ponies." Is there an error here? Did you mean to say "are not ponies"? Because in the next sentence you go on to describe how some of them are not ponies. ¶34: Who is this pony? You've named all the others. ¶37: Pfft, that was a Pinkie Pie reference, wasn't it? ¶50: Twilight Sparkle? She was just referred to as Twilight in G1. This is confusing. ¶52: Add a comma after Posey. Add a hyphen between post and dusk ("post-dusk"). ¶61: Is there a reason for the hyphen between gentle and ponies? I don't think it's necessary. ¶66: I do not remember a G1 pony named Night Light. Is this just a pony you added? ¶67: "'Thank you, petal.' Posey smiles at her friend." I'm confused right now. I thought Night Light was the one who lit up the trees? So who is petal? ¶68: It may be helpful for you to know that leylandii is a sterile hybrid bred specifically by humans for ornamental purposes, and it does not exist in nature. If you want a tree that is more likely to be found in an actual forest instead of just a landscaped garden, you could just say "cypress," which is the group which contains leylandii. Now, personally, I writhe a little at the characterization of certain plants as good or evil. All plants have their place and only become a problem when they step out of their place and become invasive. However, Posey is not a plant ecologist, like myself; she is a gardener. That means her perspective on plants is not defined by their ecological value but rather their behaviors in cultivation. I've had many a disagreement with people from a gardening background over which plants are desirable or undesirable in a given location. So this seems like a realistic attitude for Posey to have, even if I think it's wrong. And I'll shut up with my plant nerdery now. This isn't actually helpful, is it? ¶76: Add a comma between low and monster-like. I find it a little odd how you keep breaking the paragraphs when it's just Posey talking. It makes me feel like somepony else has gone and interrupted her, but then it's just Posey again. ¶85: Add a comma after log-seat. ¶90: Change the comma after thinks hard to a period. ¶95-98: I love this bit of characterization for Wind Whistler. She means well, but she sometimes fails to "read the room." ¶99: Add a comma between gentle and garden-based. ¶100: I believe the correct possessive would be "pegasus's," rather than "pegasus'." ¶100: "pouts a little at the enthusiasm for the pair" Wait, I thought the enthusiasm was for Paradise. She's not a pair. She's just one pony. ¶105: Add a comma between angry and accented. OOoOoOh, I love the link to Mozart music. Actually, this whole scene, with Paradise and Masquerade doing an interactive performance, is just brilliant. They really planned this out. ¶108: "is outlaw" doesn't quite make sense. I would say "is outlawed" or "is an outlaw." ¶114: Replace "goes on to describes" with "goes on to describe." ¶116: Oh, you made Wind Whistler smile! Now you have truly achieved greatness, Masquerade. ¶117: Add a comma after slippers and after hoof ("slippers, one on each hoof, and"). Hang on, at first "my" character is named Petal Swirl. And then later their name is Petals. Is the "s" deliberate? Like if you're not saying their full name, then the nickname includes an "s." Or was this just an error? Oh, the pink one was Heartthrob. It was odd how long you went without mentioning her name, though. ¶142: Add a comma after deduction. ¶155: I'm surprised they're even considering going to the Saddle Arabian ponies, considering that anypony who visited Vista was also subject to banishment. ¶156: "Ribbon is petting Posey and Magic Star who have buried their faces in their fetlocks." I'm not so sure about this characterization for Magic Star. She is a gentler pony, to be sure, but she is also a strong leader with an even head, as depicted in the 1986 movie. I know it's not really my job to coach you on characterization of ponies who only showed up for a few minutes of screen time, but this is my image of Magic Star. ¶157: Add a comma between glorious and glittering. Also replace "dragons'" with "dragon's" (move apostrophe to before the "s"). ¶158: Add a comma between monstrous and red. ¶164: "Paradise explains that as Mousefur and Vista peer closer" I believe you meant to say Petals there, not Vista. ¶172: I believe the word you are looking for is "affect," not "effect." WHOA Minty is here now. All bets are off. ¶181: Replace the period after feather-brains with a comma. ¶192: Replace the comma after voice with a period. It strikes me as odd that they would credit the cast during an interlude. That's not normally how interludes work. They're acting like the show is over. Could this be a vestige of an older draft, perhaps? Overall, this was a good chapter. Masquerade and Paradise's performance was quite impressive. I'm sure some of the more impatient, G4-only bronies would be wondering about now when the story of this fanfic is really going to pick up--we're three hours in and all we've done is camped. Although I'm certainly enjoying myself. After seeing Minty appear, it would seem to me that you're pretty liberally including elements from other generations (whereas previously I thought you were only using them as stories like the "Brighthouse" and other references). So now I'm guessing that Night Light was Twilight's father from G4. There were still grammar mistakes to clear. The chapter was so long and so engaging that I got quite absorbed in the story and I'll admit that I wasn't proofreading as closely as possible, so there's probably some mistakes that I missed. It seems the main trouble right now is commas. A list of adjectives should be separated by commas (for example, "Princess Pipp Petals is a pretty, pinky, pudgy, pegasus pony." If you have two complete ideas separated by an "and," "or," or "but," there should be a comma separating them. Those are the most common problems. There were also occasionally problems with the punctuation on dialogue tags. Anyway, overall it was quite enjoyable. The grammar mistakes weren't bad enough or common enough to prevent me from enjoying the story. In fact, quite the opposite. The story was so enjoyable that it distracted me from paying close attention to the grammar.

Ooh, just saw this. I will get to it tomorrow.

I love how this post is like 10% story and 90% feedback now. As for that section, I'm not sure what to say. It seems like the tenses are pretty consistent now. But it's still strange that the narrative style switches for just one section.

I also noticed that you included a few other G4 concepts. You referred to "Equestria" (a G4 term; the G1 world is generally referred to as Ponyland, while the specific place the ponies are from is Dream Valley) and you used the word "everypony" (that didn't become a thing until G4). I assumed you had done this on purpose. If it was an accident, now you are aware! I guess there's a good reason to go either way. Do what your heart desires, then. Yeah, I noticed this, and I love it. For me, the more horse-like the ponies are, the better! Either that or I just don't use ropes enough. Happy to help. G1 is fun!