Back for one final post

[Gay Bird 421]

if this is in the wrong place mods, move it wherever it belongs, thanks.

 

Wow it's been years. I just couldn't get through season 4. I don't know if anyone remembers me, but I sure as hell remember this place. It's grown quite a lot, and so have I. Previously I went by dudeguy676 (and doge on occation) in case you don't recognize my username change.

 

i want to tell my story. Since I've been gone from this website, a ton has happened in my life.

 

Ever since I was young, I was living in an emotionally abusive household, between both of my parents. I didn't know anything that I was going through, and i didn't learn until there was no going back that I had been developing a severe depression that eventually became borderline personality disorder over the course of my life. My relationships were falling apart, I was failing out of school, and I couldn't bring myself to do even the things I loved to do. one night, in an attempt to keep myself awake to finish my homework, I poked myself with a pencil, and when that didn't work, I made the first cut on my wrist. I used self-harm to cope with the unbearable stress and eventually started to completely disregard my responsibilities. I let my relationships fall apart by practically sabotaging them myself, and I went through life like a mindless drone. After a few months of cutting and dissociating, I spent time with a friend I had very little contact with at a school party. We had a lot of fun filling balloons with glitter glue and popping them. After the party, she was going out with her other friends to an after party, and being around her friends made me realize I had been spending my time around people who I didn't like, but my anxiety pulled me away from the opportunity to meet a totally new crowd of people and be more free to be myself. That very next day (it was 4/20 I know lol) a ton of stuff started clicking in my head and I realized a lot. I started to understand that I had been putting up with abusive parents, that I had been stuck in a community that I didn't like, and I even started questioning my gender identity. Realizing this made it even harder to maintain my friendships and eventually I was left totally and completely alone, forced to face my suicidal thoughts by myself. I used those thoughts as motivation to do things I otherwise would never have done. I came out as transgender to my dad to start. It didn't go well. As if the panic attack I was going through wasn't enough, he laughed it off at first, and it hurt me more than anything before. It took a lot of explaining before he understood, and he still doesn't quite get it. One night, I stayed up all night to watch the entirety of season 1 of seven universe, and it was worth the missed class the next day. (I was taking summer school classes) I cried a ton watching it and it inspired me, it gave me another boost to get through to my next struggle. I came out to my class the next year and it was another pile of panic attacks and another boost of energy. It went over well this time, but after a few days i noticed that nothing was really different. I still didn't have any friends to talk to. More time went by and I met a friend who wrote music the way I did, and we planned to collaborate on a project that got me inspired, but not enough. I was devastated on my 18th birthday when i was greeted with an empty house. I invited everyone I knew and not a single person showed up. That night, someone on tumblr saw my venting of my suicidal feelings and started talking to me.

 

She was the girl who nearly killed me, and still haunts me to this day. We started talking and getting very close. Our relationship developed so fast it wasn't even a week when we confessed our love for each other. I made the plan to visit her in oregon, and pulled a bottle of vodka out of my dad's liquor cabinet and smoking half finished cigarettes off the ground to cope through the day when we would meet in person. Finally, the day arrives that I fly up to oregon and before takeoff, I get a text from her that went off like a bomb. One of her friends had passed from an unknown cause and she was devistated. i didn't know what to do. I froze in anxiety and ended up leaving early. I didn't get another text from her since. We went from talking all the time and loving each other to being completely cut off. I couldn't take it, and my depression skyrocketed. I tried everything i knew how to do, drinking, binge watching adventure time, slicing my legs open, but nothing kept me from attempting suicide three times. The third nearly killed me, and I woke up in the hostpial.

 

I was lucky enough to get treatment. I went to two amazing programs and learned a ton about myself. My health improved immensely. I stayed clean from self harm for months, I made a ton of new friends, and I started doing things I loved to do again.

 

Never a dull moment though. A few weeks after leaving treatment, I bummed a cigarette from someone at a bus stop. I kept it until I got home and found out that it was laced with meth when i started to feel like I was dying. I called 911 and got to the hospital, remaining conscious while my parents showed up to announce that they're kicking me out of the house. Instead of showing me support and compassion after being cruelly deceived by a stranger, they only made it harder.

 

For the past few days I've been staying with some kind friends from school. I've been working a well paying job to try and gain some independence, but it's not cheap to get a roof over your head. Even through this, which might be the most difficult thing I've been through thus far, I'm going stronger than ever before. My life is in my own hands now and I can take full advantage of it.

 

I want to take a moment to thank this community, or at least some of it anyway. Even if it's sometimes a little embarrassing knowing I shared some truly awful music over at pony.fm, I'm grateful for it. This place was a part of my story and shared a social connection that kept me going through all the rough times. Today though, I'm surrounded by an amazing circle of people and I'm more and more active in my passions for music and film. I don't know if I'll ever catch up with the rest of the show, I've already got steven universe and adventure time to catch up on, and I haven't even seen gravity falls yet. Anyway, I'm moving on to new things and blazing a new trail for myself.

 

So with that, I'm saying farewell to this fandom.